The past few days have been tough, probably more than I expected.
Let me first get out what was right. I have to acknowledge what was good and the people who made it so.
My husband gave me exactly what I asked for. A weekend of no cooking. My sensative stomach is paying the price for that, but I'm happy. He also took me wherever I wanted to go. We started Friday night. We have a casino about an hour away. We aren't big gamblers, but we are so desperate to be around people. So, for the first time in over eight years, we went to a casino. We first stopped at their buffet.
I'm usually not much into community smorgasbords and their germs, but I made an exception. There was actually good food to choose from and it wasn't bland. After loading up on prime rib, buffalo perch and pecan pie, we headed into the casino. We each made a donation to our local schools at the slot machines and decided to head home. On the way out, we hit the machines that always pay out...the pop machine.
The next day, we headed to Cincinnati. We've lived here a year and only been to Cincy once. On the way, we stopped a donut shop. A Walmart cashier and Pigeon Forge recommended it. I'm glad he did. They were the best donuts we've had since we left KC. Then we headed to Ikea. Evidently when it rains hard on a Saturday, everybody with a screaming child heads to Ikea.
That place is a bit overwhelming. Once we got it figured out, it was pretty smooth. We got a ton of ideas for the house. We didn't go in with a list, but we came out with a cart and a basket full. We loved getting some things to freshen up the house and a second dresser, that we've needed for years. We had lunch there. It wasn't spectacular, but it was free. Evidently, if you spend at least $100, your food is free.
We made the long, super rainy trip to Trader Joes and then home. We tried a deli in town for dinner and it was good. I'm thinking we will definitely go back. Today, we headed to a Japanese steakhouse after church. It was ok, but maybe not the quality we are used to. Definitely good for this area. We hit a couple stores and came home. Tonight, we got burgers from a place in town and I'm officially stuffed and ready to not eat for days.
Two friends surprised me with precious gifts and cards. It was so sweet of them. I've had lots of birthday wishes on Facebook and a couple texts. So sweet of people to think of me.
It's all been fun and sweet and far more than I deserve.
There is a sadness to this birthday that is unique to this year and this place.
The first is obviously my family. They are responsible for half the tears shed the past few days. I woke up at 3 am this morning and couldn't fight back the tears. More than any birthday in the past eight years, the situation with my mom has gotten to me. It was 40 years ago that she had her first child. The same child she now no longer claims.
Did she think of me today? Did she even remember what today was? Was it anywhere in her hardened heart that made her want to reach out to me? Then the reality of my questions sets in and I know the answer to all of them. At 3 am, that reality rested heavy on my chest. I can only imagine that's a normal response for anyone who's estranged from their family.
I think it's further complicated by not having a relationship with any of my family or my husband's family. I do have 15 family members on Facebook and phone numbers of about 20. I had one aunt and one cousin acknowledge my birthday and no texts. I think that would make anyone sad.
Of course it sucked not being with friends on my birthday. That's all I ever wanted. My closest friends know how hard birthdays are for me. Sadly, only a couple of them bothered to contact me. Again, how can I not be sad? It was a big birthday. Of course it was hard to feel so incredibly alone. it really hits on those old feelings of not being wanted.
I'll smile and tell everyone it was a good day. But, it wasn't. It was incredibly painful. I'm thankful for the people who went out of their way to make it special. They are the reason I won't let this linger.
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