The Father

Our preacher touched on something in his sermon yesterday that made me think through my growth as a Christian. In the last prt of his sermon, he talked through what being a father meant and how God as the Father is seen or described.

When I first became a Christian, it was easy to see God as an authority figure. Even though I've always been a strong Type A personality and have fit more naturally into leadership roles, I still have a healthy respect for authority. It was quite easy to see God as being comparable to a boss only over every aspect of my life.

I'll be honest, I've been known to test authority. Never in a rebellious way, but in ways where I could make sure that the authorities over me had were safe or had my best interest in mind. I've done that in jobs and with my husband. It was my way of knowing if I should stay or go and for good reason. Remember, I lived under an evil authority for a very long time.

Since perfection eludes us, I know that no father is 100% comparable to God. I completely get that. However, some fathers are a lot closer than others and most fail completely. Then there are the fathers, like mine, who absolutely warp the idea of what a father is.

When I became a Christian, I couldn't see God as a Father. In fact, when people referred to God the Father, I cringed. I even heard God referred to as Daddy a few times and tht just sickened me. Even through I understood that God was loving and just, I could not wrap my head around him as a Father.

Like I said, my idea of a father was terribly warped. I had a true and righteous hatred for my dad. He had never shown me love. He had hurt me all ways possible. He wasn't a good guy. He was evil. Everything for him was conditional and the end result was always painful. He never wanted children to love and teach. He wanted children for his own personal hell he had long fantasized about.

For 32 long years, that was my view of a father. The TV version of what a dad should be, like Ward Cleaver, was only a mythological creature. It never occurred to me that dad's were really supposed to be that way. Loving most of the time and firm when needed.

I know I wasn't a perfect child. I did make mistakes. It's sad, but I couldn't tell you what they were. I can never recall a time when my wrong was explained to me nor when the punishment fit the crime. I thought about this not long ago.

One summer day, I was actually allowed to go to a school mates birthday party. I had just finished third grade and the party was on the school lawn. My parents told me to be home at 3 pm. The party started at 1 pm and the school was one block away. They sent me off with rules and a plan for failure. I had no watch and the party was outside with no clocks. Unable to really enjoy the party, I fidgeted and was anxious the entire time about getting home on time.

At what I believed was a reasonable time to leave, I ran home. As I pulled open the door, I saw the clock on the VCR change from 3:00 to 3:01. Surely that counted. I was on the front porch and in the doorway at 3 pm as expected. My mom directed me to the garage. My dad was waiting for me with a board that had a carpet tack strip attached. He beat me until I fell to the floor.

To this day, I still don't understand what happened there. It seems like the punishment was already planned before my expected failure. But there was no explanation.

That was one of 1000s of reasons why my ideas of a father were so skewed.

My counselor worked so very hard to change my thinking. She had a huge part in my evolution, but so did others. I had to see it. I had to see fatherly love and good dads. Being in the church helped me see that.

Probably the most profound moment for me was with a friend who has a special needs son. I watched the dad come home and show immense love for his son one day. His son is non verbal and has little ability to give him anything in return. It was unconditional love like I'd never seen. In that moment, I could finally conceive this idea of God as a loving Father.

It was a painful journey to fully acknowledge God as my Father. But there is something very beautiful here despite the pain. Once I got it, accepted it, believed it fully, I never looked back. My dad was replaced. He had never earned the right to be my father. In a sense, he was out and God was in.

I think when your birth father is so incredibly horrible, it's much easier to embrace God as the Father. God the Father is everything you've dreamed of having and more. He loves and corrects when needed. There's explanation of correction in the bible. It's an amazing thing that is truly difficult to put into words.

I'm thankful for my Father. Not the one who donated the sperm, but the one who created me and loves me still.