I got the text today that I've been dreading for two weeks. Two weeks ago, I got the text that my friend with cancer had a stroke. As her recovery from the stroke began, we (her friends) learned that she had been told late last year that her cancer had spread and she had masses in her stomach and lungs.
When she was diagnosed, we were told she had 10 years. Like I said in a previous post, that's a long time in the realm of cancer. A lot can happen. Treatments today are far better than 10 years ago.
After her testing late last year, 5 years was tossed around. Ok, not good, but there's still hope. Five years with young kids is never enough but a good chunk of time to watch them grow and teach them.
After the stroke, a year or two was discussed amongst friends based on tid bits of info being passed around. Ok. Wow. It's getting real now. At that time, we were told that she had 6 months of chemo left and then there was nothing they could do for her.
Today, I got the text I've been expecting and dreading. My friend had taken a turn for the worse. The doctors have stopped chemo treatments because they are no longer beneficial and are more harmful. Her cancer is spreading and there is nothing they can do. She is in a great deal of pain. She has been placed under hospice care for the remainder of her time.
Her prayer is to have the pain controlled enough so that she can have a few good days with her family. It doesn't seem like an unreasonable request.
One of my friends said today that the reason they have been so tight lipped about her condition is that she has been in denial. Oh my goodness! What young person wouldn't be. While her faith is strong, her flesh is weak just like the rest of us. She is one of the most straight forward people I know, but I'm sure leaving her children has left her looking the other direction in the face of cancer.
I don't have to tell you, but I will. My heart is breaking. I want her healed and I selfishly want her healed on this side of heaven. Our original 10 year window has shrunken and I'm not the least bit ready to say goodbye.
As I told my husband tonight, I've experienced losing people fast and without warning like with accidents or suicides. I've experienced slow, agonizing loss too. Watching someone slowly die is much harder.
It's difficult to know exactly what to think or pray. Do you hope for a miracle or accept the prognosis? Do you pray for extended life knowing it will be painful or do you pray for a swift passing? Do you text as you normally would, knowing it would be meaningless? Do you dare make a call, knowing you'll have nothing to offer but your own tears? It's a difficult road without many directions.
I would much rather see my friend now than go to her funeral. I don't think with my husbands job, that will be possible. It sucks being so far away.
Knowing the end is near for someone you love alters your everyday life. When you read email or look at Facebook, you hold your breath and hope that there's no bad news. When you hear your phone ding, you cringe and pray it's not the text you fear the most right now. You pray diligently, but selfishly concern yourself with your own heartbreak. You try to be positive even when your gut knows.
I cannot imagine never meeting my friend. She has been an encouragement. She's made me laugh. She's never hesitated to be honest, even when it hurt. She's taught me to have grace with stupid people. Seriously, that was a big one.
Losing her is going to leave a big void for everyone who knows her. It's a void nobody else can fill. I'm not sure about her other friends, but I want to honor her. I don't know how, but I want to use everything she has given to me and pass on her legacy. I want to make the world a better place in some small way because she made it better in big ways.
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