The Other Shoe

Waiting for the other shoe to drop? What does that mean? I know what it means, but the saying itself doesn't make sense at all. I know it means that things are going fairly well and you're just waiting for something bad to happen. 

The saying is a source of anxiety and trepidation. Not just for me but lots of people. Some people constantly spend their lives on edge waiting for that next bad thing to happen. I used to fall into that cycle, but have learned not to let it control me with anxiety. 

I know I've shared this before, but I had a time like that before we found out about the move. Things were going great. We'd found a church after a painful departure from our first. I was literally in a full blown anxiety attack. After a long talk with my counselor and friend, I let it go. Two weeks later, we were told of the move. 

This last year has taught me a lot about not letting that fear and anxiety have control over me. Not to be cynical, but bad things are going to happen. We live in a fallen world. We are going to have periods of life being ok and even smooth. But we should also expect interruptions and tragedy. Sometimes the good periods last a long time without an interruptions. Tragedies are usually far between. But we can expect them. 

One of my friends said something earlier this year that was simple and yet profound. Jesus' life wasn't easy, why should I expect mine to be. Wow! Yes! 

This last year has brought us one trial after another. The houses purchase and sale. Health issues for us both. Loss. Adaptation. Injuries. Broken appliances. (I'm waiting for the heater repairman for the fourth time as I type this.) 

We've learned, kind of forcefully, to live in periods of contentment and being ok even through those trials. I won't lie. Some have been easier than others. Dealing with broken appliances doesn't really compare to losing a baby. A flooded crawl space is a lot easier to work around than overwhelming loneliness. 

Even in the tougher times, more emotional times, there has been a sense of calm for the most part. In those times, we've learned to lean more on each other. Probably most importantly, we've found that God sustained us through those times. Sometimes we didn't see it until much later, but we did recognize it. 

What we've been through this past year would have strained any marriage and stressed even the most laid back person. Honestly, if this past year had happened 3, 4, 5 years ago, I'm not sure I would have survived. I don't say that flippantly. During those times, the tiniest bit of stress drive me to self destructive behavior and even suicidal thinking. I had no capacity to handle anything and those helping me could only pray for a hint of stability. I thank God for a couple good years of progress, healing and growth before this past year happened. 

I'm thankful that the past year has helped me with some of my anxiety issues. I can't say I'm overly thankful for the path it took. How do you ever get to a point where you can be thankful for things like loss and loneliness? But I can be thankful for where it has brought me and what it has taught me.