Not Just Mine

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my grief and loss of children, that I selfishly forget that I am only one half of this equation.

Today, we had a young family sit in front of us at church. They've been bringing their baby daughter with them since she was only days old. I think she's probably 3-4 months old now. Honestly, I selfishly spend a lot of times wishing this baby were in the nursery. She's a screaming, crier and it's hard to pay attention with the growing number of babies in the sanctuary.

So neither my husbands feelings, nor any regard for this baby were on my radar this morning. As we were mid worship, I looked over at my husband. I found him with his quirky grin and eyes locked on the baby.

My husband loves kids. He's the kind of guy that everyone knows would be a good dad.

It struck me in that moment, how often I forget that his hearts desire was never met. He wanted children. He has always longed to be a dad.

My fertility issues are all a direct result of the horrific abuse I've been through. None of it is him. Odd and interesting fact, him and his two brothers have all struggled with infertility in their marriages. In ours, it's all me.

We don't talk about his feelings about it often and for good reason. He doesn't ever want me to feel worse about it than I do. He doesn't want me to take on more guilt. I appreciate that. But I do know how he feels.

He holds my parents directly responsible and dwelling on it stirs anger in him that he can't hardly stand. He hates them for what they've taken from him. At times, he has felt as though this is a punishment for something he has done wrong. Outside of choosing the wrong wife, I'm certain he has done nothing to cause it.

How do you ever come to terms with that? How do you ever let go of the guilt that you are the reason your husband can't have his hearts desire?

I can't imagine what my husbands expression would be if he were holding his own child. I think that would be the sweetest moment of our lives.

We still have the option to get fertility treatments, but all the previous named issues still exist. My husband would also say that at almost 50, he's too old for a baby. At almost 40, I might be too.

While it warms my heart to see my husband smile, it still breaks a little.