I Can't Be There

As we roll through April and our 12th month here, there's a lot of reflecting being done. I promise, there are happier posts to come. It hasn't all been bad and there have been great times even in the midst of tough times.

One of the toughest things about our move has been the distance between us and family and friends. The absolute hardest is being here when friends are going through trials.

With me not having a job and having a flexible schedule, I was able to spend the last few years in KC being with, helping and caring for our friends when they were in need. I loved being able to serve our friends in those ways.

My schedule allowed me to cook meals, babysit children, sit at the hospital and much more. While I loved being able to help, I usually hated the situation. There's rarely a good reason your friends are in the hospital or in need.

Thanks to a dear friend, I learned how to walk into someone's mess and be useful. She also taught me how to assess people's needs while respecting boundaries. Most people, in their pride, will decline help even when they are in dire need. I know, I'm usually one of them. She taught me how to lovingly push into that pride and lighten their load during a tough time.

Obviously, serving people in that way really hasn't happened here. I know God has a plan and will use me when the time is right.

But, I can't help but feel helpless when I know my friends back in KC are in need. I can't be there. I want to be, but I can't.

Since we have been here, we've had friends who've lost loved ones and we couldn't be there for them. We've had friends who've been sick and needed meals. We've had friends sick who could have used help with little ones. We've missed it all.

We've prayed for them, which is about all we could do. But, it still leaves us feeling helpless. It is in those times that we have to trust that God with them as much, if not more, than we trust Him to care for us.

Before we moved, I had the privilege of serving a friend of mine with cancer. She was diagnosed a year before we moved, so she is on her second year of fighting cancer. Her diagnosis was hard for all of us. She is my age. She was active with young kids. She was also the first friend with cancer for some of us, at least one so young.

Her diagnosis wasn't just hard for us all to accept, so was her prognosis. Never during the past two years has she ever gotten a good prognosis.

She was diagnosed after a surgery on her abdomen. She had stomach issues for months that doctors had misdiagnosed. After surgery, she was told she had endometriosis and cancer. Later on, it was found that endometriosis wasn't present, but the colon cancer had spread.

I was extremely fortunate that during her couple hospitalizations, I got to spend a lot of time with her. We had some amazing conversations about faith, life and her children. The size of her trial was nothing compared to the size of her faith.

She had it rough. Her surgery left her with a mess and her chemo made her tired. But yet, her faith stayed even bigger.

I found out today that she has suffered a stroke. I have only few details. Even if I were there, I wouldn't be able to do anything. The kind of care she needs now is far beyond what any of her friends can give. We can only pray. And given the situation, we can only pray that God's will be done. As hard as it is, my faith in this has to be bigger than her trial. God loves her and is with her even in this.

But, this is one of those times it is so hard to be so far away. Even if I can't do anything for my friend, I wish I were crying amongst our friends today.