When I was living in my parents home, I did not know I lived with satan worshippers nor did I understand my role or place. It took me several years in the church to really understand it.
Because of the dissociative amnesia, I still do not have full memories of several areas of my past. This is one of those areas. What I have are limited playback of some very scary stuff.
My parents hated church, God, the bible and especially people from the church. They burned bibles, hid from visitors, cursed the visitors and cursed God. Now, I understand that doesn't necessarily indicate satanic worshipping.
For as long as I can remember, my dad had a large black book with shiny red letters and symbol on the cover. He hid it in his bedroom along with other things he shouldn't have had. We never looked at it and frankly, stayed far away from it. Even in our crazy life, it was scary to all of us. It wasn't until I did some searching online a few years ago that I found out it was called the Satanic Bible.
My dad was involved in some very sketchy activities. I remember being a witness to a few and believe it is a fair guess that there were many, many more with and without me.
I remember going, not by choice, to a hill in the country with my dad. There were several other people there, some in scary masks and others naked. Each memory contains a variety of animals being tortured, killed and even burned alive. There were often people having sex in obscure ways. There are a few memories I have of being a participant.
There is so much more which is locked away for me. Dissociative amnesia is like having puzzles of events in your head. Sometimes you have 1 pieces of the puzzle and other times you have 99 of 100 pieces. I have to believe that God has chosen to protect me from some of the most horrific things by allowing me to have dissociative amnesia and repressed memories.
Another thing my dad did was repeat some awful things when he was torturing me. He would say things like he was honoring someone and fulfilling a law. I have since learned that he was chanting as some sort of cultish ritual.
Not only did my dad plant deep seeds about who God was or was not, he drug me into his cult and satanic ways. I was never a satan worshipper. But, satan had power over me for a very long time. I too spent a long time hating God, not believing in God and hating church. It was in my blood, what I had been taught.
The fact that I willingly walked into church eight years ago is nothing short of a miracle. I won't go into the entire story right now, but staying in church was a slow progression of the Lord softening my heart and shining light into the darkest areas of my life and heart. It didn't happen instantly.
In fact, staying in church has been a fight for me throughout all eight years. Spending so many years in complete oppression, it is easy to understand why my default would be lies and not truth. When things are tough or there is confrontation or I feel like an outsider, my default is to walk away.
While I don't want it to be, my default is to listen to satan. I know satan doesn't want me in church. He would be greatly satisfied for me to never grow and to walk away from God. Isn't that his entire goal?
I'm not making excuses. The reality is that my 32 years of living in darkness is hard to overcome. Eight years still has not been long enough to pull me completely away from default. That's a tough reality. However, that sets me up for a lot of spiritual warfare.
Even though I have only been to church once in over two months, I know that is where I need to be. We all need to be in church, I know this. But, someone who has such a strong default to darkness who has fought their way out of a cult definitely needs to be in church. God has to be made a priority if satan is ever going to be defeated.
I was thankful to have a conversation with someone this week who also understands the importance of me being in church. Maybe not for the exact same reasons, but they still understand how easily it is for me to fall away and how vital it is for me to attend. Because of their understanding, they were able to encourage me in ways I desperately needed.
Without church, I can survive for a while on prayer and my bible. If I were in an area without churches, I know God would sustain me. However, in this place, at this time, I will eventually suffer without preaching, worshipping with other believers and fellowship. I need those things. God has shown me over and over that I need those things to continue growing closer to Him and further from satan.
I know it is going to take more time, healing and maturity for my default to change. I can't wait for that. I look forward to the day when pain drives me to God and church instead of away.
No comments:
Post a Comment