I Love You

Why is that phrase so complicated?

It really isn't. Unless you have a traumatic past where you never truly experienced love of any kind.

I was 22 years old before I told anyone I loved them. It was my boyfriend/now husband. It came in the third year of dating him and he had been saying it since nearly the first date.

There were a few guys I dated before him. The second they said I love you, I was out. I wish I were kidding. Those three words were like a poison that stung my eyes, made me choke out a thank you and got me running far, far away. Poor guys, I know they didn't understand it. I'm not sure I did either.

Even after I said it in return to Kent, I didn't really mean. I guess that isn't really fair. It isn't that I didn't mean it, but I certainly didn't know what it was or what it meant to love. I just knew he needed that level of commitment from me at the time.

We were married the next year and I continued to say it as a response. It took a lot of years to say it to him and really feel it. He never gave up and I think that's what finally broke me, teaching me to love.

It's not hard to understand when you know the background. NEVER, not once did anyone in my family ever tell me they loved me. To this day, not one person in my family has ever uttered any semblance of those three words. My parents did a very good job of teaching me what it was like to not be loved and that I could never do enough or be good enough to be loved.

When you live with that for your entire life, it sets a guide for what love is or is not going to be for you. I have seen it in the relationships of my aunts, uncles, brothers, cousins. They all struggle to openly love their spouse and children. It is like that on both sides of the family.

My husband had to go to great lengths to prove his love to me. He had to be persistent and constantly reassure me that he needed nothing in return. He lived a lot of years in our marriage of knowing that I had no capacity to truly love or show him love.

There was a point where it changed. I changed. I began to understand love. I also developed a new set of faulty ideas about love. I believed that my husband was the only person who would ever love me. He was my husband and it was an expected thing. What I never expected was to be loved by anyone else.

Keep in mind, my longest friendship is 16-17 years. Because I had no capacity to show affection and genuinely love or return love, I didn't develop any deep relationships with people. If my friend had been overtly loving, I probably wouldn't have stuck with her either. Most of my friends, the ones who know me well, have all come along in the past seven years or less.

Until seven years ago, I never really had friends who openly expressed their love for me. Honestly, I can only attribute that to God. Most of my friends are Christians. Christians seem to more openly express their love for one another. I believe they do because of God's love and the Holy Spirit.

It is very difficult for me to admit this, but I still struggle with friends who love. My goodness, don't take that as me saying I don't want my friends to love me. Quite the opposite. It is like hugs. I love hugs, but I never initiate them. I want my friends to love me and tell me they love me.

It's still hard though. When they say they love me, I revert back to that young girl who didn't know what that meant. I feel fear and instinctively question their motives. I try to decipher what will be needed so that I don't lose their love and what I have done to earn it. Initially, I'm overcome with all those wrong beliefs that I usually say nothing or respond with a thank you.

Believe me, I do love my friends. Truth be told, I love most of the people I meet. When God fixed that in me, He did a great job. I quickly develop an emotional connection with people and have some level of love for them. I don't share that though. I don't want to be looked at like a freak, even though I think loving people is absolutely biblical.

When someone tells me they love me, I know they genuinely care about me. I know they know me well enough and love me, faults and all. I don't question their genuineness, especially if they have said it more than once.

Here is the cool thing about love amongst Christians. Something that still blows my mind. Something I often fail to remember. When Christian friends tell you they love you, they are expressing a familial love. Familial love was something I had never experienced until becoming a Christian and understanding what it meant to be a member of the body of Christ. I had to understand that we in Christ, we are all brothers and sisters. When I did, it made that love even more amazing.

The other really cool part is how unconditional, undeserved love shown to me by other Christians has strengthened the love I have for God. Not only that, but it constantly reminds me of how God's love is unconditional and undeserved....but I get it anyway.

My husband and I both have mutual friends, same and opposite sex. They are amazing. They openly express their love for us. We both are always in awe that people love us. We both love, love, love that we have brothers and sisters in Christ who are there when are family is absent.

I know. That's a whole lot to say, if you are my friend....I love you. I will fail to tell you. I will give you an awkward response or none at all if you tell me you love me. You will never know how much your love means to me and I'll never be able to admit your words heal my heart. But, I love you. You are my friend, my brother or sister in Christ and I love you. Each time you tell me I am loved, you are helping heal the heart of a little girl who was never loved by her family. Each time you say I love you, you are teaching me to be honest and emotive.

I love you and I thank you.