Mental Health BooBoo

There's no secret that in my time here in Ohio, I have sought counseling for a couple issues and most notably grief.

Let me start by saying that I have no shame in seeking mental healthcare. Honestly, I think the world would be better adjusted if more people took care of their mental health. Mental healthcare comes with such a stigma. If you seek mental healthcare, you must be crazy. Right?

Wrong!

My mental health is important to me. I also have to acknowledge my past. I had an extremely traumatic life prior to 2007. I have survived a level of torture and abuse that can only be envisioned as a horror movie. I absolutely have to consider that I didn't walk away from that unscathed and am still in a period of healing and restoration.

While a lot of healing came in moving away from my family and places I'd been traumatized, I am not naive enough to think I am fully healed. I constantly deal with anxiety and PTSD. Those things won't just go away and haven't. I know that the amount of time I spend alone heightens my loneliness and along with that comes increased anxiety and depression.

When I look at the trauma of the move, loss and changes of the past year, I also must consider that counseling has and will continue to be vital to fight the depression that even the most sane person would be prone to feel. The past year would have taken down a normal person. Lost two babies. Nearly died. Turned brother in for abuse. Moved away from friends and support system. Yea that short list is a lot.

I definitely need someone to talk with once in a while. I need someone who can walk me through times of high anxiety.

So, I got on the waiting list for the local mental health center way back in the fall. They told me it'd be spring before I got an appointment. They weren't far off. I got an appointment for today.

I went in for a paperwork appointment and to set up a first appointment. After getting there, we were informed that the one counselor who took our insurance had quit. Ok. So this isn't new to me. I've scheduled with two primary care doctors since we've been here only to find out the week of the appointment that they had or were quitting. Plan B? Nope.

They literally have no way to see me with my insurance. At over $100 per visit with insurance that would cover it, there's no way I'm paying out of pocket. It could be 6 to 12 months before they get a new provider.

We have other options. I could drive an hour or more to be seen. That's not much of an option for me. I've not driven more than 20 minutes away and never to any of the cities. After an appointment where I get highly emotional, I cannot safely drive home. I can't expect my husband to take off to take me every time. So, I'm at the mercy of the local providers at this time.

I'm completely split on how I feel about this.

I'm ok with not digging into the past. It's popped up a more than a few times this past year and I've just wanted it to go away. It's not easy telling someone face to face what I've been through. I've shared tiny bits of it with a few people here, but I've not had to divulge huge amounts of info since moving. I think I've only shared my testimony with two people. It doesn't scare me to do that, but counseling is more than that. It digs deeper than words on a page with a complete stranger.

I'm not overly thrilled with getting to know someone new in this realm. It's just complicated. In addition, I'm against secular counseling. The last time I tried that, the counselor encouraged us to divorce.

On the other hand, I know I'm fighting a losing battle with depression. I'm starting to fit the description of every depression led commercial. My contact with people is minimal. I don't have activities I enjoy. I don't laugh. I'm tired and my body aches all the time. My anxiety is through the roof and my OCD tendencies have picked up. I know there's a need. I know I need someone to logically talk through life with me once in a while, especially while I struggle with relationships here.

This one is out of my control. I can't do anything to change it. It's going to be 6-12 months. By then I should have my own counseling degree and either be further into this journey of healing or a hot mess. Only God knows.