A year ago, I had my niece and nephew over spring break. My Timehop keeps reminding each day of all that we did. We had an awesome time. Partly because they knew it would be the last time we would see each other for a while. It was partly because of the excitement. Their Aunt Jo was moving and they were excited to come visit.
I have to admit, even I was excited at the time. We were about to embark on a new journey that included house hunting and exploring a new area. I had placed my faith in God that He would sustain me through it all, even the hardest parts like being so far away from these two kids.
When I had to cut ties with my family, I spent four years without any contact with my brother or his family. I had broken the cardinal rule of a severely dysfunctional family. I had left. I know from mutual contacts, they were angry and had disowned me.
These two kids though....they drew me back the second I was healthy enough to tolerate the incidental contact with other family members. For the first half of their lives, I was a fixture for them. My nephew told everyone at his Kindergarten graduation that he was going to get married and move to KC with his Aunt "Doe" (he had a bit of a speech problem when he was younger) when he grew up.
Each time we made the two hour trip back to our home towns, I had the kids with me. They stayed all night with us sometimes Friday and Saturday nights. We did that from the time they were babies until August 2007. Our lives were meshed with each other and I loved it. I loved being an aunt.
I do have another niece and nephew with my other brother, but we were never close.
In the years I had no contact with my niece and nephew, my heart broke. They were the one thing that I always let threaten my healing. Sometimes it seemed like Jesus wasn't enough to justify the trade off. I know now that wasn't true and I just needed time. But, those are four years I can never get back.
The time I spent with them last year was so special to me. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, could have prepared me at the time for what I would face from then to now.
I know I should be thankful for the nearly four years I had back with them after a four year absence. I am thankful. I am also profoundly saddened by where things stand now.
Honestly, I am angry. I have said it before, but I blame my parents. I know ultimately that the actions of my brother are what drove us all apart this time. However, his actions were a direct result of the dysfunction he came from. I'm not excusing him. Behavior makes sense when you understand where it came from.
While I understand that time and space is definitely needed for me to maintain my own health, it is still painful. It is an open-ended hurt. Like the first time, there is time frame. I can't say it will all magically be better in one or two years.
The kids are 14 and 15. They will be graduating in a few years. Even then, they will still be a part of a dysfunctional family. So, I can only hope and pray that there will be an opportunity to reconnect then.
I have definitely been through years without them. This time is different though. I'm not making a decision to have something besides them. This time, it is my brother's decision that there not be contact. It makes me sad because he's cut off contact with someone who loves them dearly.
I think this is one of those things that stays active enough in day to day thinking to remind me of my broken heart. Sometimes a broken heart has to stay broken until time mends it back together.
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