Whether it be circumstances or relationships or our own issues, I think sometimes we just get to be angry. Sometimes, I think we get to be angry and don't have to find the good in anything.
I am right there, in that time when nothing is good and I am angry at everything. I don't even feel guilty about it either. With as little as I know, understand and believe about God, I think one thing is true. If He knows every hair on my head, then He surely knows how I feel and why. Why even bother trying to hide what is true, right?
It has been a long, hard year and I have a lot to be angry about without question. My circumstances have forced me into a dark place and I feel as though I have lost more than I have gained. I get to be angry about that.
A year ago, I had a great job. It was stressful and many of the people I worked with were unkind, but I loved the job regardless. In January of this year, I took a temporary medical leave of absence. Temporary turned into permanent, which led to my resignation this fall. It has been an incredibly painful loss for me. For nine years, that has been my home away from home. I put my heart into much of what I did. Dysfunctional at their best, the people were the closest thing I had to a family. It has been a loss all the way around and one that adds to the loneliness this time of year brings.
It has been over a year now since I have been able to drive. In the past year, I have heard people complain about the price of gas, traffic and having to drive across town on errands. In my little mind, I'm saying "are you kidding me?" In not being able to drive, I have lost the ability to do those things. I must depend on someone else if I want to go anywhere. I'm rarely given choices and am usually at the mercy of the person willing to let me tag along, which I am thankful for. But think for a second how you would feel if for a solid year that you only had limited choices of where you could shop, eat, or even spend your spare time? It's another loss that makes me angry.
For most of the past nine months, I have not been allowed to spend any large amount of time alone. In fact, I am only allowed one hour alone on any given day. That hour alone rarely happens and usually is interupted by a phone call halfway through. I am not discounting the effort it takes for those around me to make sure that I am never left alone. But think again how you would feel to not have the ability to have alone time. It is a freedom that many people enjoy without realizing that it is a freedom. I am most angry about this loss.
This year has been full of learning things about myself that I hadn't previously known and most of it has been dark and ugly. I have taken steps backwards by learning that a survivor is someone who has lived through abuse and accepting that I am not yet a survivor. With all that I have learned and all that has happened this year alone, I am not yet a survivor of abuse and I am angry about that.
God tells me right in the bible that I don't just have to be angry about all of these things, I get to hate them and rightfully so. Romans 12:9 says "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil, cling to what is good." My anger is a direct result of the evil that has been done in my life. I get to be angry. I get to hate it! And...I'm guessing if God knows me that well, then He knows that right now I can't cling to anything good. The only hope I have left is that someone else is clinging to the good and will grab my hand before I fall.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
In the simplistic
Oh how I loathe this time of year...
That might sound a little harsh given what the "true meaning" of Christmas is all about. Now that I understand what God did for us by sacrificing His son for us, the birth of Christ is way more important to me. However, I would like to use this as an opportunity to point out a couple key thoughts.
1. Christ likely wasn't born anywhere near December 25th.
2. The Christmas story we see in nativity scenes is not 100% correct.
3. The birth and life of Christ was so significant that we should not need a set time of year to celebrate, it should be celebrated daily in our lives and hearts.
Christmas time tends to bring families together and large groups of friends to share the joy of the season. That's where I get stuck or maybe lost. I have my husband and a few friends. Come time for the actual holiday, all my friends have families of their own and it will be just my husband and I. Having my husband is enough, but is also a painful reminder of our lack of children and loss of family ties. It's also a time of painful memories of what never was in my family.
In trying to find the good in the midst of all the bad, I am holding onto something special this year.
Maybe I'll share later what Christmas' were like for me as a kid. I'll just say that they were far from joyful and far from celebrating anything about Jesus. Although I didn't know it at the time, Jesus had a little toe in my life as a kid.
A neighbor once gave me a snow globe that had a very simple nativity scene and played "O Little Town of Bethlehem." I must admit that I didn't care much about the nativity scene. I loved the song and could get lost for hours in watching the snow. It was an escape from the wild, dangerous world around me.
Like everything that brought a glimpse of joy to my life, my dad hated that snow globe. So that he wasn't able to destroy it as he had threatened, I hid it under books and clothes in my closet. I was able to hold onto my precious snow globe for about four years. On Christmas day when I was about 12, my dad finally followed through on his promise to take a hammer to my snow globe.
It wasn't that he broke a toy, he did that all the time. It was that he stole that little bit of comfort from me that was nearly impossible to find and obviously not something I could hold onto.
A few years ago, I shared that story with my husband. That started a two year hunt for a similar snow globe that had ended with no luck.
A few weeks ago, I shared that story with a friend. I am not sure if she heard the disappointment in my voice or just knew I would need that kind of comfort this year more than ever.
To my amazement and surprise, she found two snow globes with nativity scenes that play the same song. I'm not sure what sent her on the mission, but mission accomplished.
But what she did was more than just give me a gift that I had been searching for over the past few years.
I've spent the last year living in the realization of all the pain that my past has caused and all that others have robbed from me. I walked into this holiday season feeling as though everything....EVERYTHING, including my hope of overcoming all of my obstacles, had been stolen from me.
Now, I find myself sitting at various times with one of those snow globes. Listening to the music and watching the snow, I get lost in a simple joy where nothing is stolen and everything is perfect. It may only last for a few moments, but I hang onto those moments as tightly as I can right now. Those moments are all that will see me through. And all I can bring myself to ask God for in this moment is that He give me the strength to hold onto that simple picture of His love...even if just for a moment when the rest of my life is dark and swallowed up by the remains of evil.
Thank you Roxanne...
That might sound a little harsh given what the "true meaning" of Christmas is all about. Now that I understand what God did for us by sacrificing His son for us, the birth of Christ is way more important to me. However, I would like to use this as an opportunity to point out a couple key thoughts.
1. Christ likely wasn't born anywhere near December 25th.
2. The Christmas story we see in nativity scenes is not 100% correct.
3. The birth and life of Christ was so significant that we should not need a set time of year to celebrate, it should be celebrated daily in our lives and hearts.
Christmas time tends to bring families together and large groups of friends to share the joy of the season. That's where I get stuck or maybe lost. I have my husband and a few friends. Come time for the actual holiday, all my friends have families of their own and it will be just my husband and I. Having my husband is enough, but is also a painful reminder of our lack of children and loss of family ties. It's also a time of painful memories of what never was in my family.
In trying to find the good in the midst of all the bad, I am holding onto something special this year.
Maybe I'll share later what Christmas' were like for me as a kid. I'll just say that they were far from joyful and far from celebrating anything about Jesus. Although I didn't know it at the time, Jesus had a little toe in my life as a kid.
A neighbor once gave me a snow globe that had a very simple nativity scene and played "O Little Town of Bethlehem." I must admit that I didn't care much about the nativity scene. I loved the song and could get lost for hours in watching the snow. It was an escape from the wild, dangerous world around me.
Like everything that brought a glimpse of joy to my life, my dad hated that snow globe. So that he wasn't able to destroy it as he had threatened, I hid it under books and clothes in my closet. I was able to hold onto my precious snow globe for about four years. On Christmas day when I was about 12, my dad finally followed through on his promise to take a hammer to my snow globe.
It wasn't that he broke a toy, he did that all the time. It was that he stole that little bit of comfort from me that was nearly impossible to find and obviously not something I could hold onto.
A few years ago, I shared that story with my husband. That started a two year hunt for a similar snow globe that had ended with no luck.
A few weeks ago, I shared that story with a friend. I am not sure if she heard the disappointment in my voice or just knew I would need that kind of comfort this year more than ever.
To my amazement and surprise, she found two snow globes with nativity scenes that play the same song. I'm not sure what sent her on the mission, but mission accomplished.
But what she did was more than just give me a gift that I had been searching for over the past few years.
I've spent the last year living in the realization of all the pain that my past has caused and all that others have robbed from me. I walked into this holiday season feeling as though everything....EVERYTHING, including my hope of overcoming all of my obstacles, had been stolen from me.
Now, I find myself sitting at various times with one of those snow globes. Listening to the music and watching the snow, I get lost in a simple joy where nothing is stolen and everything is perfect. It may only last for a few moments, but I hang onto those moments as tightly as I can right now. Those moments are all that will see me through. And all I can bring myself to ask God for in this moment is that He give me the strength to hold onto that simple picture of His love...even if just for a moment when the rest of my life is dark and swallowed up by the remains of evil.
Thank you Roxanne...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)