I'm not sure what this season in my life is called, but I know it is full of changes. Some small, some huge. Some wonderful, some painful. Some intentional, some surpass all understanding. Regardless of the change, it is a change and for someone who does not deal with change well....it is overwhelming.
When I look around my house, almost nothing looks the same as it did a year ago. Good or bad, it has all been changed. Actually, the changes are all good. The means by which they happened have not been so good. Kent and I both got pushed into making changes and purchases for our house that we were not ready nor prepared to make. That along with some major empty promises have brought about abrupt change and left us with so much undone. Now the change is still happening, but I constantly find myself trying to deal with the change of things being completely undone or unfinished.
Even though I haven't worked in 18 months, I officially left my position of nearly 10 years in December. I loved my job and cannot imagine doing anything else. It was a difficult decision, but necessary. That was a change with good and bad, but mostly sadness.
As I look at the past year and the unraveling of my life, one thing I rested in was the idea that I was safe from being hurt in abusive ways. It is a change of how I view my entire life and my idea of safety, when I think about each time I have learned I was wrong about this. I think my first clue that true "safety" from abuse is an illusion was when I was assaulted 50 yards from my front door. My idea of living a safer life only continued to get twisted from there, learning I have been in the hands of one abuser or another often during this time. This realization was one of the more painful changes.
When I think about people who were in my life a year ago and maybe a little longer, I can only a very few familiar faces in all the change. I don't develop relationship easily, so I tend to try to hang onto the good ones as long as I can. I think that is what makes broken relationships even harder to accept. It is another change that is incredibly painful and for many reasons.
Even the past 10 days have been filled with change.
Kent and I were involved in an accident on May 27. Kent hit a car and then we hit a ditch. With the exception of some minor but nagging injuries, everyone was fine. The truck, however, was not. It is a change to not have the truck. It was paid for, didn't have any major issues and was the first truck we had bought together.
The truck is replaceable. Right now, I am not sure that my confidence on the highway is replaceable. I am someone who likes to go. When I am bored, I want to drive or go for a ride. Maybe I am more like a dog or baby than I think sometimes. Up until that day, I would have jumped in a car without much hesitation and been fine to travel all over the country. Not now! I am fearful and have anxiety about many things, but getting in a car was not one of them until now. I don't know how to get on the highway and just be ok. That is a change that I hope does not stay long.
A week ago, we had our lab Soffee put to sleep. By the way, she isn't sleeping so I don't know why they call it that. It is a change to not have her as a regular part of my life. From morning to night, she was a fixture in my life. She often woke me up in the morning, barking at the other dogs or cat for doing something she didn't approve of at the time. She laid on the floor by the tub while I took a shower. I often wondered if that was her way of protecting me. She followed me to the door as I walked out every morning. She often met me at the door when I got home and greeted me with a bark. She always let me know when it was time to eat at night or again when the other dogs were misbehaving. I usually had to wake her up and send her to the bedroom at bedtime. It is a change to have all of those constants one day and have them gone the next.
Best case scenario would be that I either instantly become more adaptable to change or there be no more change in my life. I don't believe either of those things will happen. Maybe I could wish for less painful changes that drain me emotional and leave me brokenhearted. Maybe for now this season could just slow down so that I can catch my breath and assimilate all the changes that have occurred.
