The week before we headed out here, I lost my grandpa. To date, I still have no clue what he died from or where his remains are. My greedy family had him cremated and he had not been buried beside my grandma as of the last time we were back in Kansas in November.
Let me start by saying, my grief is not motivated by some idea that I would have spent the holidays with him. I would not have.
My grandma died 19 years ago. I was angry for a long time. Then, the dam broke and I was angry at both of them for abuse and their inability to stop the abuse they knew was happening in my home. It took years of counseling for me to come to a place of forgiveness with both of them.
I forgave my grandpa in my heart, thinking I would never see him again. I had been told in the last few years that he had developed dementia. Even when I had the opportunity to see him, I did not.
When I went to see him in the hospital, days before he died, something happened. There is a huge difference between forgiving someone in your heart and mind and forgiving someone face to face.
In his hospital room, with my husband watching, I forgave him. I held his hand, kissed his head. I told him I was sorry he was going to die and that I forgave him. I told him that I loved him and left.
Despite the next several days of high emotion over what my family was doing, I was forever changed.
I can't really say it enough. Forgiving in person is far more powerful than forgiving a person you never see again. It is life changing.
For me, it has allowed me to release and file away the bad things that happened with my grandparents. With that, there has been a flood of memories with them. Not bad, but all good. Keep in mind, there were usually other bad memories associated with them, but they weren't related to them. Ie.being molested by a cousin at their house, abused by my dad for going to their house, etc.
One of the things my grandparents did well was celebrating Christmas. This season has brought memories of so many good times. My grandparents had a santa come to their house. They loaded us all up and took us to look at Christmas lights. They gave us very personal gifts that were usually something we really, really wanted.
Not only have I been able to enjoy those memories, I have been able to grieve them for the first time since they ended over 25 years ago. That has been really good for me. I know grief isn't typically something that is good. This is. It is good to grieve something from my childhood that I miss, something I loved. With my childhood the way it was, this is probably the only thing that was good.
This experience has allowed me to truly grieve my grandparents and the ways they were good in my life. I finally have some permanent closure in part of my life and it is good. I hate that he is gone. I believe there's a possibility he was a christian when he died. I know he had health problems that he would not recover from and he is no longer suffering with those.
There was a point when I questioned what all of this was for. I questioned why my brother made it possible to say goodbye to him but then bailed on me and still has never told me why. I questioned why they couldn't have just let me know when he died and be done with it. Obviously, I have explained the greatest reason why above. Losing him was ultimately a good gift to me. But there was something else.
As I sat crying with my husband in the car on our way to the dump one day, I got his perspective.
He shared with me what he saw that day at the hospital. He told me that he saw a strong woman who had been hurt and who walked in without any doubt and forgave the person who hurt her. He said he not only saw me forgive him, but he saw me love him. My husband who rarely shares anything from his perspective when it comes to my family and me, had seen the entire thing. He was telling me what I knew but what he saw. He said he saw in that moment someone who had maturity and love and healing.
Sometimes I think he only sees the bad stuff that I go through. I am glad he was able to see with his own eyes this experience. I think it was important for him to see that all the tears and years of counseling and fighting has brought progress. Of course we know the cost, but it isn't lost on me that without it none of this would have been possible.
Weeks later, I can certainly reflect on this and see how God uses trials for His good. Beauty from ashes. My grandpas death has brought some beautiful things along with the grief.
Sunday, December 24, 2017
Saturday, December 23, 2017
Christmas Blues
Christmas snuck up on me this year with the move and trying to get settled. A week ago, I hadn't bought one gift. I felt like I was doing great to have the tree up and the house decorated.
We do have the excitement of being in a new home and Kent with a new job. That's a little buffer for the normal Christmas blues. But, this year is different.
There is the usual sadness over being alone, for me especially. I can't really imagine what spending Christmas with a family is really like. I never had a normal Christmas with my family and the last one was 11 years ago. I had many Christmas's with Kent's family, but was never really a part of it.
There's a profound sadness when you look at your life and realize there is only one person who wants to be with you on Christmas. One person who loves you enough to give you a gift. One person who even knows where you are or what you are doing on Christmas. Thank God for my husband. Without him, I would have nobody.
My husband is still grieving his mother this year. This is our second year without her, but she hadn't been with us for three years before that. It was five years ago this week that I called her and she didn't know who I was. I am not sure holidays will ever get any easier for him.
I have some grief of my own this year. I'll be writing about that by itself, but the loss of my grandpa has opened the door for something I never expected.
Thanksgiving was so busy for us. We were unpacking and trying to make sense of this whirlwind move. But, Christmas will be slower and it will be tougher to be alone. At least we are settled enough that I can cook instead of head to Golden Coral.
Kent has gotten to be a part of several celebrations at work. His work is really good to him. We did get invited to a gingerbread house decorating party. It was so much fun. We've also tried to pick up a couple of the local light displays and may do somethings this weekend.
We are definitely trying to overcome the blues and make new memories. We have been working hard to fight the natural bent to just sit around and wallow in our grief and pain.
We do have the excitement of being in a new home and Kent with a new job. That's a little buffer for the normal Christmas blues. But, this year is different.
There is the usual sadness over being alone, for me especially. I can't really imagine what spending Christmas with a family is really like. I never had a normal Christmas with my family and the last one was 11 years ago. I had many Christmas's with Kent's family, but was never really a part of it.
There's a profound sadness when you look at your life and realize there is only one person who wants to be with you on Christmas. One person who loves you enough to give you a gift. One person who even knows where you are or what you are doing on Christmas. Thank God for my husband. Without him, I would have nobody.
My husband is still grieving his mother this year. This is our second year without her, but she hadn't been with us for three years before that. It was five years ago this week that I called her and she didn't know who I was. I am not sure holidays will ever get any easier for him.
I have some grief of my own this year. I'll be writing about that by itself, but the loss of my grandpa has opened the door for something I never expected.
Thanksgiving was so busy for us. We were unpacking and trying to make sense of this whirlwind move. But, Christmas will be slower and it will be tougher to be alone. At least we are settled enough that I can cook instead of head to Golden Coral.
Kent has gotten to be a part of several celebrations at work. His work is really good to him. We did get invited to a gingerbread house decorating party. It was so much fun. We've also tried to pick up a couple of the local light displays and may do somethings this weekend.
We are definitely trying to overcome the blues and make new memories. We have been working hard to fight the natural bent to just sit around and wallow in our grief and pain.
Thursday, December 21, 2017
Funny Thing About Moving
Moving 3 times in 3 1/2 years has taught me a lot. One thing is that moving will show you exactly who your friends are.
About a year before our first move, I had a dear friend move. From my perspective, she was uncaring and cavalier about moving away. At that time, another friend explained to me that it is harder to be left than to leave. That was right. During our first move, I had excitement and a certain amount focus on the future. It was during that time that I really got it.
I was leaving everyone behind. I wasn't focused on them, I was focused on me and what needed to happen to make the transition. My friend who moved away wasn't uncaring or cavalier. She was focused on what needed to happen. She was moving. It wasn't that me or my feelings didn't matter, it was that at the time she needed to be focused on herself. I was the same way.
The thing I don't and never will understand is how quickly things dissolve once you do move away.
My friend who moved away and I still stay in touch. I hear from her nearly daily and she's the first person I share my life with and the person I usually ask for prayer. Since our first move, I have only one friend who's stayed in contact with me.
When I left the first time, I had a ton of friends. The first month we were gone, I got lots of texts. They eventually stopped. That first year, we had four visitors. The second year, we had three visitors. While in KC, I went months without seeing anyone. It is almost like after we moved away the first time, we were permanently forgotten.
Since we moved to Indiana, I've had one person text me. That's it. The same person from back home who's stayed in contact since the first move.
I still scratch my head. Friends of 19 years, 10 years, 8 years, 5 years and so on. Nobody bothers to contact us any more. In fact, most of the contact we make goes unanswered. It's sad. I know I didn't reconnect with too many people while we were in KC, but gosh. We literally hear from NONE of them. Even friends that were close enough to know how tough this move was going to be have abandoned us. It's painful and I fight anger.
There is a ray of sunshine in all of this. We are just under 2 hours from where we lived in Ohio. I made a friend there, really we made friends with a family there. This woman and I have stayed in touch since we moved from Ohio. She is an encouragement to me and I appreciate that she takes the time to check in on me as I try to do the same. Her and her son came to visit the day after we moved in and I can't wait for her to visit again. In fact, I look forward to being able to do things with her and her family in the future.
While I am sad that I don't mean much to many people, I am thankful that I mean something to a few people.
About a year before our first move, I had a dear friend move. From my perspective, she was uncaring and cavalier about moving away. At that time, another friend explained to me that it is harder to be left than to leave. That was right. During our first move, I had excitement and a certain amount focus on the future. It was during that time that I really got it.
I was leaving everyone behind. I wasn't focused on them, I was focused on me and what needed to happen to make the transition. My friend who moved away wasn't uncaring or cavalier. She was focused on what needed to happen. She was moving. It wasn't that me or my feelings didn't matter, it was that at the time she needed to be focused on herself. I was the same way.
The thing I don't and never will understand is how quickly things dissolve once you do move away.
My friend who moved away and I still stay in touch. I hear from her nearly daily and she's the first person I share my life with and the person I usually ask for prayer. Since our first move, I have only one friend who's stayed in contact with me.
When I left the first time, I had a ton of friends. The first month we were gone, I got lots of texts. They eventually stopped. That first year, we had four visitors. The second year, we had three visitors. While in KC, I went months without seeing anyone. It is almost like after we moved away the first time, we were permanently forgotten.
Since we moved to Indiana, I've had one person text me. That's it. The same person from back home who's stayed in contact since the first move.
I still scratch my head. Friends of 19 years, 10 years, 8 years, 5 years and so on. Nobody bothers to contact us any more. In fact, most of the contact we make goes unanswered. It's sad. I know I didn't reconnect with too many people while we were in KC, but gosh. We literally hear from NONE of them. Even friends that were close enough to know how tough this move was going to be have abandoned us. It's painful and I fight anger.
There is a ray of sunshine in all of this. We are just under 2 hours from where we lived in Ohio. I made a friend there, really we made friends with a family there. This woman and I have stayed in touch since we moved from Ohio. She is an encouragement to me and I appreciate that she takes the time to check in on me as I try to do the same. Her and her son came to visit the day after we moved in and I can't wait for her to visit again. In fact, I look forward to being able to do things with her and her family in the future.
While I am sad that I don't mean much to many people, I am thankful that I mean something to a few people.
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
Here We Are
Here we are in Indiana. It has been a busy couple months and things are just now slowing down.
How did we get here?
My husband started his job in Ohio on October 23. During that time, we lived started out in an extended stay hotel. We went through a little uncertainty with the sell of our KC home. However, that got wrapped up and crazy enough, closed on the original date from our first contract. It was super fast!
Long story short, we spent two weeks in the hotel and looking at houses every chance we got. We knew that we had to be back in KC on the third week, but knew our time in extended stay was not over. We got kicked out of our hotel (crazy, crazy story with liars and crazy women) and got $1000s of unapproved charges on our credit card from the hotel. In the meantime, we had a debacle in house searches. We found a house that we liked. Got ready to put an offer on it only to find out the tax rate for Dayton and Montgomery County is outrageous. If you have a $1500 house payment, over $500 of that is taxes. No Thank You!
On Halloween, we switched agents and states. Kent's job is 10 minutes from the border of Indiana. We went on November 1st and looked at six houses. All six would have been perfectly fine. We were way happier than any of the 50 houses we had walked through in Ohio. We quickly narrowed down our options to two. One was more expensive and bigger, the other was brand new and days from being finished. After some discussion amongst agents, the family in the first house wasn't willing to move in our time frame. So, we chose the new house. Contract negotiated and accepted.
I immediately emailed the agent who helped me with pre approval on the mortgage. Two days later (it went that long because things were crazy with hotel and trip back to KC), I finally called. The agent was no longer with the company and I got transferred around to the right person. It was now November 4 at 10 pm.
After explaining the situation, I told the mortgage agent that I wanted to close on November 21 so we could be in a home before the holidays started. That was 17 days. Let me tell you, there was nobody who thought this loan could be closed out in 17 days. Too many things had to fall into place perfectly and that was still no guarantee.
I had a crazy amount of faith and calm. I never doubted. I had every document I needed and the time to call everyday for updates. I scheduled the movers to be there on November 21 and I was not letting anyone convince me this couldn't be done.
There were hurdles and bumps along the way. Nothing I could control and nothing I could fix. We had delays in getting Kent's employment verified. There was confusion over property tax because Indiana is weird with property tax. There were delays with insurance and info that wasn't provided properly. They were small, but all threatened to delay closing.
I won't lie, those small things eventually frayed my nerves. We were living in a very small room at the local Best Western. It rained non stop over those ten days. The relocation company became increasingly difficult to deal with and I was still fighting with the previous hotel on charges.
It was stressful, but things got more exciting as the day got closer. We did close on our house on November 21. It was a 17 day turn around and the fastest some of our mortgage agents had ever seen.
Our lead agent was a christian man. He did amazing things behind the scenes. Things I didn't know about until the day of close. He immediately contacted the title company and keep in constant contact with them. He did magic with our closing numbers. We went to close with less than 5% of our home cost. I still have no clue how he managed to do all that.
Moving in was no small fete in itself. It was terrible, our worst yet. I think I'll save that for another post. It took one week exactly to get completely unpacked, situated and decorated inside the house. It shouldn't have taken that long, but was a result of very poor packing.
I'll have to write another post on how surprised I am by how different this is from our Ohio experience. It has been wonderful!
How did we get here?
My husband started his job in Ohio on October 23. During that time, we lived started out in an extended stay hotel. We went through a little uncertainty with the sell of our KC home. However, that got wrapped up and crazy enough, closed on the original date from our first contract. It was super fast!
Long story short, we spent two weeks in the hotel and looking at houses every chance we got. We knew that we had to be back in KC on the third week, but knew our time in extended stay was not over. We got kicked out of our hotel (crazy, crazy story with liars and crazy women) and got $1000s of unapproved charges on our credit card from the hotel. In the meantime, we had a debacle in house searches. We found a house that we liked. Got ready to put an offer on it only to find out the tax rate for Dayton and Montgomery County is outrageous. If you have a $1500 house payment, over $500 of that is taxes. No Thank You!
On Halloween, we switched agents and states. Kent's job is 10 minutes from the border of Indiana. We went on November 1st and looked at six houses. All six would have been perfectly fine. We were way happier than any of the 50 houses we had walked through in Ohio. We quickly narrowed down our options to two. One was more expensive and bigger, the other was brand new and days from being finished. After some discussion amongst agents, the family in the first house wasn't willing to move in our time frame. So, we chose the new house. Contract negotiated and accepted.
I immediately emailed the agent who helped me with pre approval on the mortgage. Two days later (it went that long because things were crazy with hotel and trip back to KC), I finally called. The agent was no longer with the company and I got transferred around to the right person. It was now November 4 at 10 pm.
After explaining the situation, I told the mortgage agent that I wanted to close on November 21 so we could be in a home before the holidays started. That was 17 days. Let me tell you, there was nobody who thought this loan could be closed out in 17 days. Too many things had to fall into place perfectly and that was still no guarantee.
I had a crazy amount of faith and calm. I never doubted. I had every document I needed and the time to call everyday for updates. I scheduled the movers to be there on November 21 and I was not letting anyone convince me this couldn't be done.
There were hurdles and bumps along the way. Nothing I could control and nothing I could fix. We had delays in getting Kent's employment verified. There was confusion over property tax because Indiana is weird with property tax. There were delays with insurance and info that wasn't provided properly. They were small, but all threatened to delay closing.
I won't lie, those small things eventually frayed my nerves. We were living in a very small room at the local Best Western. It rained non stop over those ten days. The relocation company became increasingly difficult to deal with and I was still fighting with the previous hotel on charges.
It was stressful, but things got more exciting as the day got closer. We did close on our house on November 21. It was a 17 day turn around and the fastest some of our mortgage agents had ever seen.
Our lead agent was a christian man. He did amazing things behind the scenes. Things I didn't know about until the day of close. He immediately contacted the title company and keep in constant contact with them. He did magic with our closing numbers. We went to close with less than 5% of our home cost. I still have no clue how he managed to do all that.
Moving in was no small fete in itself. It was terrible, our worst yet. I think I'll save that for another post. It took one week exactly to get completely unpacked, situated and decorated inside the house. It shouldn't have taken that long, but was a result of very poor packing.
I'll have to write another post on how surprised I am by how different this is from our Ohio experience. It has been wonderful!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)