This past year has been one of the toughest for me in regards to dealing with my infertility. At one time, I had over 20 friends and acquaintances who were either having babies, pregnant, just had babies or having grandchildren for the first time. Everywhere I looked around me, there were babies. Probably the hardest were people my age having babies. Happy for them, but it stung a lot worse than my younger friends having babies.
I have been quietly sitting in my own anguish while skirting around as many baby showers and hospital visits as possible. There have also been a few times that I've taken a leap out of my comfort zone and held babies. I had not held a baby since the day an ER doctor asked me if I wanted to hold my own stillborn baby boy. I found that it wasn't quite as painful as it had once been.
It was during my ride home from a friend's house today when I realized that I really am fortunate to have friends with small children.
Over the past year, I've had the opportunity to spend time with a beautiful, young mama of two little girls. Until baby sissy arrived a few weeks ago, I got to spend time with the nearly two-year-old almost every week. Besides my nieces and nephews, she's probably the only toddler I have spent much time with.
Let me tell you, I absolutely love this little girl. She's such a doll. When she says my name, which isn't easy for a kid, it just melts my heart. She's got a huge imagination and is so well-behaved.
I got to spend some time helping with the prep work for her upcoming birthday party. It was fun to spend time with my dear friend and I wanted to help her out as much as possible. A hungry newborn who has an internal feeding clock that is timed with absolute accuracy keeps her pretty worn out.
I realized today that I wasn't just helping my friend. This has been an opportunity to do something I wouldn't otherwise be able to do. Purple princess birthday decorations for a little girl are full of glitter and shine and fluff and fun. Something I will never, ever get to experience on my own. But, thanks to my dear friend, I got to be surrounded by all of it. My life would never offer me a chance to be covered in glitter, glue and tissue paper scraps. It was so much fun!
It might not always be easy. In fact, there are going to be lots of times which are down right painful reminders of what I don't have. But, those experiences like helping with 2 year-old party decorations make it so worth it!
Friday, June 28, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
A Father's Day Unlike Most
Usually, Father's Day would be a tough, tough time for me. Between having no reason to be thankful for my sperm donor and not being able to make my husband a father, I usually sulk the day away as I dutifully make the trip back to see my father-in-law.
Today has been a bit different in some respects. Sure, I am still angry and hurt over what is not. But, this year I have held onto something a little better than years past.
During our recent trip to Branson with my brother's family, I had a chance to have a short yet sweet conversation with my little brother.
We introduced them to our favorite dessert diner on the strip. My nephew threw a giant size fit during our time there because his parents refused to buy him his own dessert. The desserts average about $7.50 per plate and are huge! I usually end up with just a piece of cake or a scoop of ice cream because I can't even finish one of their speciality funnel cakes. These things are massive with strawberries, two scoops of ice cream, whipped cream and a cherry.
My brother made the right decision, the kid couldn't have finished an entire plate right after we had just eaten ginormous burgers from another diner. Regardless, my nephew showed his more childish side and caused a scene.
The next day was the day they went trout fishing. That gave them several hours of father son time together.
After they arrived back at the condo, my brother and I sat at the table while everyone watched tv and busied themselves with other things.
My brother shared with me that he had talked to my nephew about his behavior the night before. He said he made my nephew use his lawn mowing money to pay for his fishing permit. He said he had planned to pay for it, but knew it would mean more to him if he had to sacrifice for it.
It took my nephew a long time to catch a fish and they got fairly close to giving up before they caught anything. He said he asked my nephew what it would have felt like to him to have paid for the permit and not caught anything. My nephew's response was that it would have been a waste of money, like throwing it away. My brother said he told him that if he'd have gotten an entire dessert and not been able to eat it all, that would have been like throwing away money.
To you, that might seem like a simple thing to teach your child. For my brother, it's a big thing. My brother finished our conversation by telling me that he had to teach his kids that kind of thing because nobody taught him that.
He's right! Nobody taught any of us about money or savings or check writing. We saw a good example of how to get yourself in debt or steal or write bad checks.
Both of my brothers had problems with writing bad checks. Two days before my wedding, I drove my then 19 year-old little brother around to 21 places to pay for bad checks. Some were written for $100s and others for under $5. My grandpa covered it all. Bad check fees, bank fees, check cost...he paid it all. One by one, we picked them all up and got his name removed from humiliation lists of bad check writers.
That was probably the first experience he had with anyone teaching him the difference between the right way to handle a checking account and the wrong way. I by no means have gone unscathed in this area, but I haven't ever written a bad check.
I thought about that conversation today, repeatedly. My brother isn't a perfect dad. He may not even be a good dad by any stretch of the imagination. But, he's a better dad than he was ever taught to be. He's the best dad that he can be given the examples he had growing up.
I am so thankful for all of that. I'm thankful that in so many ways, he is breaking the cycle he came from. It's not perfect, but I at least got a perfect glimpse at the progress he has made. I am thankful today that he is worthy to be celebrated on a day like today even though his role model is not.
With any luck, he will continue to mature and become less and less like his dad. That's all I can ever hope for him and his children.
Today has been a bit different in some respects. Sure, I am still angry and hurt over what is not. But, this year I have held onto something a little better than years past.
During our recent trip to Branson with my brother's family, I had a chance to have a short yet sweet conversation with my little brother.
We introduced them to our favorite dessert diner on the strip. My nephew threw a giant size fit during our time there because his parents refused to buy him his own dessert. The desserts average about $7.50 per plate and are huge! I usually end up with just a piece of cake or a scoop of ice cream because I can't even finish one of their speciality funnel cakes. These things are massive with strawberries, two scoops of ice cream, whipped cream and a cherry.
My brother made the right decision, the kid couldn't have finished an entire plate right after we had just eaten ginormous burgers from another diner. Regardless, my nephew showed his more childish side and caused a scene.
The next day was the day they went trout fishing. That gave them several hours of father son time together.
After they arrived back at the condo, my brother and I sat at the table while everyone watched tv and busied themselves with other things.
My brother shared with me that he had talked to my nephew about his behavior the night before. He said he made my nephew use his lawn mowing money to pay for his fishing permit. He said he had planned to pay for it, but knew it would mean more to him if he had to sacrifice for it.
It took my nephew a long time to catch a fish and they got fairly close to giving up before they caught anything. He said he asked my nephew what it would have felt like to him to have paid for the permit and not caught anything. My nephew's response was that it would have been a waste of money, like throwing it away. My brother said he told him that if he'd have gotten an entire dessert and not been able to eat it all, that would have been like throwing away money.
To you, that might seem like a simple thing to teach your child. For my brother, it's a big thing. My brother finished our conversation by telling me that he had to teach his kids that kind of thing because nobody taught him that.
He's right! Nobody taught any of us about money or savings or check writing. We saw a good example of how to get yourself in debt or steal or write bad checks.
Both of my brothers had problems with writing bad checks. Two days before my wedding, I drove my then 19 year-old little brother around to 21 places to pay for bad checks. Some were written for $100s and others for under $5. My grandpa covered it all. Bad check fees, bank fees, check cost...he paid it all. One by one, we picked them all up and got his name removed from humiliation lists of bad check writers.
That was probably the first experience he had with anyone teaching him the difference between the right way to handle a checking account and the wrong way. I by no means have gone unscathed in this area, but I haven't ever written a bad check.
I thought about that conversation today, repeatedly. My brother isn't a perfect dad. He may not even be a good dad by any stretch of the imagination. But, he's a better dad than he was ever taught to be. He's the best dad that he can be given the examples he had growing up.
I am so thankful for all of that. I'm thankful that in so many ways, he is breaking the cycle he came from. It's not perfect, but I at least got a perfect glimpse at the progress he has made. I am thankful today that he is worthy to be celebrated on a day like today even though his role model is not.
With any luck, he will continue to mature and become less and less like his dad. That's all I can ever hope for him and his children.
Friday, June 14, 2013
TGIF
Oh my word am I glad it is Friday. I don't work, so I usually don't get excited for the weekend. However, this week is different.
The two weeks prior to this one were hellish at times and quite physically and mentally draining. I had been looking forward to this week for several days, if not weeks. I knew it would bring me some rest and relaxation that I desperately needed.
Oh but I was so wrong.
The most dreaded phone call you can get from your spouse while they are on their way home from work is the "Honey, don't freak out but I've been in an accident." I've gotten a few of those in the past 15 years. The 2nd most dreaded call you can get at that time is "Honey, don't be mad but I have to leave town...in the morning!"
Damn it!
Literally, my husband booked his flight at 7 pm and left at 7 am for the entire week. Completely unexpected and certainly the curve ball in my week.
Things usually fall apart while he is gone, especially me. Things break. I don't sleep. This week was no exception.
Tuesday things went well and I was sure this time would be different, despite the sleep deprivation. My goal this week was to repaint our patio table and chairs. I got them painted no problem. One minor problem though. The paint is oil based and doesn't come off anything easily. No husband, means I have no way of knowing where the cleaners are for the paint. No problem, throw the cheap brush away and life is good, right? Well, yes except I've been sporting white paint splatters on my legs and feet all week like a trophy. Oh yea, I can't forget to mention the giant mess of paint that I got in my hair. How does that happen? I know it's quite trendy to have color streaked hair, but I'm not much into it. So, curly styling it has to be for now until I can get it all picked out. Goodness, that stuff is like hair concrete. With the curls, it's a bit harder to see...but I KNOW!
As I sat inside on Wednesday morning, I heard a giant swoosh outside. Hmm...that wasn't the mailman. A peak out the window and I saw the culprit. A giant limb had broken and fallen to the ground. My neighbors were of little help. One of them exclaimed, "That made me crap my pants!" The other stated, "You know you need to get that out of the street."
Well the darn thing was barely in the street and they both watched while I unsuccessfully tried to move it. Have I mentioned what classy neighbors I have?
So, I headed to the backyard to water plants since we've had some really hot weather this week. My spray nozzle was stuck, so there was no soaker hose watering. My super strong husband always puts those things on so tight.
Before he left, my husband asked me to pull the wooden forms off the concrete patio so that it would finish curing. Yea right! After I failed with the sprayer, I knew the forms were far beyond my scope of ability. Let's face it, I don't have a lot of upper body strength and I think that task might have been outside of my pay grade.
Thankfully, a couple friends of ours came over and took care of the manly tasks that needed done. Whew! Only half way through the week and I surely would be able to relax the rest of it.
Wait just a minute!
Have I mentioned that I don't sleep while my husband is gone? Yes. Have I also mentioned that one of said classy neighbors picked this week to install a pool? No. Oh my. Starting on Wednesday, every morning there has been large equipment running right outside my bedroom window by 7 am. Fun, right? What's more exciting is that these are the heavy drinkers who often have parties (not loud, just late). How much more fun is that going to make the summer for us? Ugh!
Thursday night finally came and I knew I only had one more night alone. Usually, I find comfort in that and can cat nap my way through the night. Oh but wait....not this time.
As I folded the 10 loads of laundry I had ignored since last week, I heard strange noises come from the front of the house. With a large kitchen knife in hand (that's all I had), I searched the house. Nothing! Every time I would step out of the bedroom, it would stop. The dogs were exhausted and unphased by it, which was odd since they often fuss and bark when a car door shuts a block away.
Needless to say, I stacked and piled and pushed furniture in front of all the doors. Yea, because nothing says safe like potentially blocking the exits for an intruder to leave if they are hiding in my house.
The noise never stopped! I never slept! Ugh!
This morning, I was digging in the mess of tools in the garage looking for the stapler. Ok, I know you are probably thinking that at this point I probably shouldn't be operating anything potentially dangerous, but that's just the kind of risk taker I am. Ha!
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a furry thing jump from a box. OY! The worst thing we've ever had in the garage is a mouse and a baby bird. This ain't no mouse. I don't know what it is, except furry.
No problem, I'll back my car out and turn my dog loose. She's part Cocker Spaniel and often hunts. She's got quite a record of dead mice, bunnies and birds. I knew she'd be all over it. I tried to get the little critter stirred up so she would jump right on it.
Nope! She plopped down on the concrete floor cocking her head from one side to another. I'm positive she was saying, "I'm tired. You kept me up all night long. You chase that stupid critter while I sit here and laugh at you."
Finally, my husband will be home sometime around midnight. Goodness, I cannot wait!
The two weeks prior to this one were hellish at times and quite physically and mentally draining. I had been looking forward to this week for several days, if not weeks. I knew it would bring me some rest and relaxation that I desperately needed.
Oh but I was so wrong.
The most dreaded phone call you can get from your spouse while they are on their way home from work is the "Honey, don't freak out but I've been in an accident." I've gotten a few of those in the past 15 years. The 2nd most dreaded call you can get at that time is "Honey, don't be mad but I have to leave town...in the morning!"
Damn it!
Literally, my husband booked his flight at 7 pm and left at 7 am for the entire week. Completely unexpected and certainly the curve ball in my week.
Things usually fall apart while he is gone, especially me. Things break. I don't sleep. This week was no exception.
Tuesday things went well and I was sure this time would be different, despite the sleep deprivation. My goal this week was to repaint our patio table and chairs. I got them painted no problem. One minor problem though. The paint is oil based and doesn't come off anything easily. No husband, means I have no way of knowing where the cleaners are for the paint. No problem, throw the cheap brush away and life is good, right? Well, yes except I've been sporting white paint splatters on my legs and feet all week like a trophy. Oh yea, I can't forget to mention the giant mess of paint that I got in my hair. How does that happen? I know it's quite trendy to have color streaked hair, but I'm not much into it. So, curly styling it has to be for now until I can get it all picked out. Goodness, that stuff is like hair concrete. With the curls, it's a bit harder to see...but I KNOW!
As I sat inside on Wednesday morning, I heard a giant swoosh outside. Hmm...that wasn't the mailman. A peak out the window and I saw the culprit. A giant limb had broken and fallen to the ground. My neighbors were of little help. One of them exclaimed, "That made me crap my pants!" The other stated, "You know you need to get that out of the street."
Well the darn thing was barely in the street and they both watched while I unsuccessfully tried to move it. Have I mentioned what classy neighbors I have?
So, I headed to the backyard to water plants since we've had some really hot weather this week. My spray nozzle was stuck, so there was no soaker hose watering. My super strong husband always puts those things on so tight.
Before he left, my husband asked me to pull the wooden forms off the concrete patio so that it would finish curing. Yea right! After I failed with the sprayer, I knew the forms were far beyond my scope of ability. Let's face it, I don't have a lot of upper body strength and I think that task might have been outside of my pay grade.
Thankfully, a couple friends of ours came over and took care of the manly tasks that needed done. Whew! Only half way through the week and I surely would be able to relax the rest of it.
Wait just a minute!
Have I mentioned that I don't sleep while my husband is gone? Yes. Have I also mentioned that one of said classy neighbors picked this week to install a pool? No. Oh my. Starting on Wednesday, every morning there has been large equipment running right outside my bedroom window by 7 am. Fun, right? What's more exciting is that these are the heavy drinkers who often have parties (not loud, just late). How much more fun is that going to make the summer for us? Ugh!
Thursday night finally came and I knew I only had one more night alone. Usually, I find comfort in that and can cat nap my way through the night. Oh but wait....not this time.
As I folded the 10 loads of laundry I had ignored since last week, I heard strange noises come from the front of the house. With a large kitchen knife in hand (that's all I had), I searched the house. Nothing! Every time I would step out of the bedroom, it would stop. The dogs were exhausted and unphased by it, which was odd since they often fuss and bark when a car door shuts a block away.
Needless to say, I stacked and piled and pushed furniture in front of all the doors. Yea, because nothing says safe like potentially blocking the exits for an intruder to leave if they are hiding in my house.
The noise never stopped! I never slept! Ugh!
This morning, I was digging in the mess of tools in the garage looking for the stapler. Ok, I know you are probably thinking that at this point I probably shouldn't be operating anything potentially dangerous, but that's just the kind of risk taker I am. Ha!
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a furry thing jump from a box. OY! The worst thing we've ever had in the garage is a mouse and a baby bird. This ain't no mouse. I don't know what it is, except furry.
No problem, I'll back my car out and turn my dog loose. She's part Cocker Spaniel and often hunts. She's got quite a record of dead mice, bunnies and birds. I knew she'd be all over it. I tried to get the little critter stirred up so she would jump right on it.
Nope! She plopped down on the concrete floor cocking her head from one side to another. I'm positive she was saying, "I'm tired. You kept me up all night long. You chase that stupid critter while I sit here and laugh at you."
Finally, my husband will be home sometime around midnight. Goodness, I cannot wait!
Monday, June 10, 2013
The Alzheimer's Elephant
Up until this weekend, I had always considered myself to be patient and compassionate with those afflicted with an illness. I think this weekend showed me that I am actually neither of those things when it comes to Alzheimer's.
This wasn't the first time I have spent extended periods of time with my mother-in-law since her diagnosis last year. It wasn't even the first time I had spent multiple days with her since then either. It was just worse this time.
She was initially given a general dementia diagnosis in January 2012 with her first visible signs showing up in November 2011. We were told she had an early onset of a rapidly progressing dementia. She spent over a year going from one medication to another, while the family struggled to accept the diagnosis for what it was. All the while, her memory and mental stability was nose diving.
Last month, she finally had an appointment at a memory clinic with a doctor who specializes in dementia. After a day of testing, he determined that she had a mild case of Alzheimer's. Keep in mind, of the family who attended the appointment with her nobody asks questions and nobody really understands what the doctors say. Not to mention, most of them hadn't really accepted she couldn't make a full recovery from this. So, it is my humble opinion that they heard what they wanted to hear and failed to get all the information they could. Regardless, they were told the kind she has is not hereditary and that she would remain stable for the next several years.
Let me tell you something, this woman is not stable. She continues to deteriorate mentally. This doctor hasn't watched the last 18 months and the continuous decline. He didn't see in that one day how much she has changed over just the past two months. In fact, I didn't even have to be there to know that the family wasn't even completely honest about her behavior.
During times when she isn't around or people are alone with my father-in-law, he slowly begins to open up and share the part of life that nobody knows. He confided in my husband several things this weekend that probably should be shared with everyone in the family. It's a huge concern that there maybe financial issues (which my husband and I saw hints of clear back in 2011) and there is some violent behavioral issues.
This weekend was so difficult. She, the Alzheimer's, it was the giant, big fat elephant in the room that nobody really wanted to talk about. You could see it on everyone face. You could feel the thickness of it in the air. It was the source of so much anger and hurt. But, as a group they couldn't bring themselves to discuss it.
It was almost textbook grief. Each family member in their own way was exhibiting some stage of grief. Every one of them could see that she is becoming this empty shell and they all were grieving what they are slowly losing. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. I saw all of it except acceptance. I've never watched this slow process of grieving, but I'm guessing the acceptance must come with the physical loss.
Yes, I get to go through it too. Regardless of the relationship we've had in the past, she is still my mother-in-law and she's been in my life for nearly 20 years. For me, I realize that I am firmly into the anger phase of this process.
I would much rather have her be the crabby woman who only tolerated me instead of how she is now. I was beyond frustrated with her this weekend.
The questions....oh my, they never stopped. She continued to ask what things were. A fly on the window; owl statue in the garden; blanket on the couch. She would ask if she could use the restroom. That was all after she argued with me over who here son was.
If it hadn't been for the questions, she wouldn't have spoken at all. She mainly sat. She would shuffle from inside to out. She work a t-shirt, under a sweatshirt with a giant heavy hooded sweater over it all. When she was outside, she wore the hood on her head. It was 75 degrees outside and she sat in the sun.
She spent an enormous amount of time in the bathroom and barely ate anything. She wasn't sick, this is evidently a routine thing for her. She doesn't know what is happening or what to do, so she goes to the bathroom. From my observation, I believe she goes a lot to avoid accidents because she really doesn't know when she has to go.
She wore the same clothes two days in a row. I know this is a small thing, but it makes me angry that nobody will correct her. I'm sure nobody wants to deal with the behavioral side of it when she doesn't deal well with being told what to do.
I'm angry that in the past 18 months she's lost the ability to have a rational conversation. It makes me mad that someone has to physically watch her all the time. I'm angry that she has to be told over and over who I am and that she constantly asks where my kids are. Not angry with her or at her, but at the situation.
It is aggravating to watch it all happen and here the excuses and see the denial. There was a point toward the end of each day when she would finally just go sit in the truck. Usually at least 90 minutes prior to leaving, she would go sit in the hot truck and stare into the sky.
If this is mild, I hate to see what worse is for her. If this is stable and how she will be for the next few years, it's still going to be hard on everyone.
A friend of mine often says "Alzheimer's Sucks." I believe she is right.
This wasn't the first time I have spent extended periods of time with my mother-in-law since her diagnosis last year. It wasn't even the first time I had spent multiple days with her since then either. It was just worse this time.
She was initially given a general dementia diagnosis in January 2012 with her first visible signs showing up in November 2011. We were told she had an early onset of a rapidly progressing dementia. She spent over a year going from one medication to another, while the family struggled to accept the diagnosis for what it was. All the while, her memory and mental stability was nose diving.
Last month, she finally had an appointment at a memory clinic with a doctor who specializes in dementia. After a day of testing, he determined that she had a mild case of Alzheimer's. Keep in mind, of the family who attended the appointment with her nobody asks questions and nobody really understands what the doctors say. Not to mention, most of them hadn't really accepted she couldn't make a full recovery from this. So, it is my humble opinion that they heard what they wanted to hear and failed to get all the information they could. Regardless, they were told the kind she has is not hereditary and that she would remain stable for the next several years.
Let me tell you something, this woman is not stable. She continues to deteriorate mentally. This doctor hasn't watched the last 18 months and the continuous decline. He didn't see in that one day how much she has changed over just the past two months. In fact, I didn't even have to be there to know that the family wasn't even completely honest about her behavior.
During times when she isn't around or people are alone with my father-in-law, he slowly begins to open up and share the part of life that nobody knows. He confided in my husband several things this weekend that probably should be shared with everyone in the family. It's a huge concern that there maybe financial issues (which my husband and I saw hints of clear back in 2011) and there is some violent behavioral issues.
This weekend was so difficult. She, the Alzheimer's, it was the giant, big fat elephant in the room that nobody really wanted to talk about. You could see it on everyone face. You could feel the thickness of it in the air. It was the source of so much anger and hurt. But, as a group they couldn't bring themselves to discuss it.
It was almost textbook grief. Each family member in their own way was exhibiting some stage of grief. Every one of them could see that she is becoming this empty shell and they all were grieving what they are slowly losing. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. I saw all of it except acceptance. I've never watched this slow process of grieving, but I'm guessing the acceptance must come with the physical loss.
Yes, I get to go through it too. Regardless of the relationship we've had in the past, she is still my mother-in-law and she's been in my life for nearly 20 years. For me, I realize that I am firmly into the anger phase of this process.
I would much rather have her be the crabby woman who only tolerated me instead of how she is now. I was beyond frustrated with her this weekend.
The questions....oh my, they never stopped. She continued to ask what things were. A fly on the window; owl statue in the garden; blanket on the couch. She would ask if she could use the restroom. That was all after she argued with me over who here son was.
If it hadn't been for the questions, she wouldn't have spoken at all. She mainly sat. She would shuffle from inside to out. She work a t-shirt, under a sweatshirt with a giant heavy hooded sweater over it all. When she was outside, she wore the hood on her head. It was 75 degrees outside and she sat in the sun.
She spent an enormous amount of time in the bathroom and barely ate anything. She wasn't sick, this is evidently a routine thing for her. She doesn't know what is happening or what to do, so she goes to the bathroom. From my observation, I believe she goes a lot to avoid accidents because she really doesn't know when she has to go.
She wore the same clothes two days in a row. I know this is a small thing, but it makes me angry that nobody will correct her. I'm sure nobody wants to deal with the behavioral side of it when she doesn't deal well with being told what to do.
I'm angry that in the past 18 months she's lost the ability to have a rational conversation. It makes me mad that someone has to physically watch her all the time. I'm angry that she has to be told over and over who I am and that she constantly asks where my kids are. Not angry with her or at her, but at the situation.
It is aggravating to watch it all happen and here the excuses and see the denial. There was a point toward the end of each day when she would finally just go sit in the truck. Usually at least 90 minutes prior to leaving, she would go sit in the hot truck and stare into the sky.
If this is mild, I hate to see what worse is for her. If this is stable and how she will be for the next few years, it's still going to be hard on everyone.
A friend of mine often says "Alzheimer's Sucks." I believe she is right.
Friday, June 7, 2013
The Patio..duh, duh, duh...
I am sitting here in what feels like the 98th hour of a blackhawk helicopter hovering over my head. Ok, that might be a little over dramatized but you get the picture. It has been about 10 hours over two days of a jackhammer running just outside my backdoor.
My husband, his two brothers and his dad are busting out a patio and it's noisy! It's the latest ordeal in our money pit. Our house really isn't a money pit, it's just reached "that age" where everything likes to fall apart.
The year of drought followed by winter and spring of abundant moisture has left us with a basement wall which has a growing crack. The wall itself has begun to buckle and press in toward the basement. Evidently we will have a hefty job to do still, but first the flow of water must be altered. The only way to do keep the abundance of water flowing down into the wall is to tear out our sloping patio and repour it.
I'm not sure what that jumbled mess sounds like to you, but to me it sounds like more money we don't have needing to be spent on the house to prevent a catastrophe from happening. Thankfully my husband's family is full of guys well versed in concrete, so most of them have agreed to help. Still expensive! Is there ever anything that happens to your home that is urgent or emergency that is cheap? NO!
Heavy lifting and dust and jackhammers aren't my thing. Really, that can't be. I'm not physically cut out for that kind of stuff. No joking. So, I have assumed the role of dutiful wife.
That's no joke either. I've prepped and cleaned and cleaned and prepped for the past several days for the deluge of people who will be in and out the next few days. We rarely have guests, so it's a big deal. An even bigger deal is planning for a round up of people who definitely without question do not like me.
It's hard to get pumped for that. It doesn't feel like a labor of love when you know it won't be good enough. The food I cook won't taste right. The house won't be clean enough. I won't be social enough.
I have and always will be a white trash girl from a dumpy little town who stole the heart of their first born son and big brother. I will never, ever fit the bill for what they had hoped for in a daughter-in-law. But, this is one of those times I am supposed to forget about that and pretend as though I'm one of them.
Really, I suppose that doesn't matter. What matters right now is that most of my husband's family is coming together to help him out. They are all working together for a common goal and for that I am thankful.
There is one very twisted up/down side in all of this. My once very opinionated mother-in-law is now much more mellow. It is hard to believe. On her first trip to our house as a married couple, she completely rearranged our kitchen drawers and cabinets because I hadn't been smart enough to do it correctly. Now, she sets on the couch with a blank stare and an occasional question.
It might be the questions that are the hardest. She questions who the guys are working on the patio; all her sons and husband. She asks where the kids are; we don't have any. She asks me how work is going; I haven't worked in three years. She asks how long it's going to take; I don't have a clue. She asks again how long it's going to take; still don't know. She asks if we have moved the bathroom; no we have not. And....repeat....
Again, I'm so thankful that the guys are here to help their brother and son. He needed that. He needed his family and I am glad they are here with him. I am grateful that tomorrow will bring a rare opportunity for me to have his niece and nephew. And well, since I'm a "feeder" I'll have a chance to feed a large group of people.
My husband, his two brothers and his dad are busting out a patio and it's noisy! It's the latest ordeal in our money pit. Our house really isn't a money pit, it's just reached "that age" where everything likes to fall apart.
The year of drought followed by winter and spring of abundant moisture has left us with a basement wall which has a growing crack. The wall itself has begun to buckle and press in toward the basement. Evidently we will have a hefty job to do still, but first the flow of water must be altered. The only way to do keep the abundance of water flowing down into the wall is to tear out our sloping patio and repour it.
I'm not sure what that jumbled mess sounds like to you, but to me it sounds like more money we don't have needing to be spent on the house to prevent a catastrophe from happening. Thankfully my husband's family is full of guys well versed in concrete, so most of them have agreed to help. Still expensive! Is there ever anything that happens to your home that is urgent or emergency that is cheap? NO!
Heavy lifting and dust and jackhammers aren't my thing. Really, that can't be. I'm not physically cut out for that kind of stuff. No joking. So, I have assumed the role of dutiful wife.
That's no joke either. I've prepped and cleaned and cleaned and prepped for the past several days for the deluge of people who will be in and out the next few days. We rarely have guests, so it's a big deal. An even bigger deal is planning for a round up of people who definitely without question do not like me.
It's hard to get pumped for that. It doesn't feel like a labor of love when you know it won't be good enough. The food I cook won't taste right. The house won't be clean enough. I won't be social enough.
I have and always will be a white trash girl from a dumpy little town who stole the heart of their first born son and big brother. I will never, ever fit the bill for what they had hoped for in a daughter-in-law. But, this is one of those times I am supposed to forget about that and pretend as though I'm one of them.
Really, I suppose that doesn't matter. What matters right now is that most of my husband's family is coming together to help him out. They are all working together for a common goal and for that I am thankful.
There is one very twisted up/down side in all of this. My once very opinionated mother-in-law is now much more mellow. It is hard to believe. On her first trip to our house as a married couple, she completely rearranged our kitchen drawers and cabinets because I hadn't been smart enough to do it correctly. Now, she sets on the couch with a blank stare and an occasional question.
It might be the questions that are the hardest. She questions who the guys are working on the patio; all her sons and husband. She asks where the kids are; we don't have any. She asks me how work is going; I haven't worked in three years. She asks how long it's going to take; I don't have a clue. She asks again how long it's going to take; still don't know. She asks if we have moved the bathroom; no we have not. And....repeat....
Again, I'm so thankful that the guys are here to help their brother and son. He needed that. He needed his family and I am glad they are here with him. I am grateful that tomorrow will bring a rare opportunity for me to have his niece and nephew. And well, since I'm a "feeder" I'll have a chance to feed a large group of people.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Festival Yuck
Isn't strange how your subconscious is clearly aware of something long before you are?
This weekend was miserable. My husband was in a bad mood, but so was I. My mood was already in a nose dive long before he admitted his own crabbiness. I had no clue why. The only thing I could come up with was knowing my weekly routine was going to be non-existent. And sure, that's always enough to cause problems for me.
As I listened to a commercial on the radio this afternoon, I realized this weekend there is a festival in town. I've seen the signs, but it just didn't register. It's a festival that we used to attend and have a great time.
Unfortunately, that brings my parents to town for several days this week. I can't go into details on his part of it because I would hate for anyone to be looking for them.
I purposely don't go to the town they live in and I hate it that they would ever come here. I also know in years past, my dad has taken advantage of the opportunity to harass me and generally cause me pain.
How do you prep for that? He knows what he's doing. He doesn't put himself in positions where he could get caught, so we have no grounds for an order of protection against him.
There's no way to prep. The disgust, anxiety and anger over it just has to ooze it's way out while I try to keep it all together. I would struggle with that even with my regular routine and support, but this year I'll have to do it alone.
This weekend starts a pattern of them being nearby several times a month until fall, but this is certainly the closest they get. Thankfully!
It's just not what I needed in an already difficult week.
This weekend was miserable. My husband was in a bad mood, but so was I. My mood was already in a nose dive long before he admitted his own crabbiness. I had no clue why. The only thing I could come up with was knowing my weekly routine was going to be non-existent. And sure, that's always enough to cause problems for me.
As I listened to a commercial on the radio this afternoon, I realized this weekend there is a festival in town. I've seen the signs, but it just didn't register. It's a festival that we used to attend and have a great time.
Unfortunately, that brings my parents to town for several days this week. I can't go into details on his part of it because I would hate for anyone to be looking for them.
I purposely don't go to the town they live in and I hate it that they would ever come here. I also know in years past, my dad has taken advantage of the opportunity to harass me and generally cause me pain.
How do you prep for that? He knows what he's doing. He doesn't put himself in positions where he could get caught, so we have no grounds for an order of protection against him.
There's no way to prep. The disgust, anxiety and anger over it just has to ooze it's way out while I try to keep it all together. I would struggle with that even with my regular routine and support, but this year I'll have to do it alone.
This weekend starts a pattern of them being nearby several times a month until fall, but this is certainly the closest they get. Thankfully!
It's just not what I needed in an already difficult week.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Day Like Today
Today was one of those days that makes me feel happy and sad all at the same time.
It started early, way early. Three of us took off for a giant tent sale at 5 am. The shopping was overwhelming and fun and exciting. It just wasn't the best part of the day.
Early and me as co-pilot doesn't work well, so we started off going to Kansas but ended up only adding a few minutes onto the trip. Nobody got mad, we laughed and checked out the sites.
When you are in line with 30 and then 50 and then eventually a couple hundred other women, what is there to do? We talked, enjoyed coffee and pastries and talked some more. It is so rare for me to have time with a couple ladies I don't know well and genuinely enjoy the conversation.
We all embarked on a unique shopping experience after our three hour wait. Regardless of what we said or did, we will forever be bonded by our experience and the multiple layers of craziness we witnessed. As we picked through the tables and tables of stuff, some things were very clear. We all three share some similar tastes and some very different ones. We also agree that next year we will arrive at least an hour earlier so that we too can unleash our inner level of crazy and get even better deals.
After we had scoured every last inch of the tent, we paid and loaded our new prized possessions and headed to shop the rest of the stores. It was nice to stroll through the stores without taking an elbow to the chest or smashed toes.
We sat down for lunch at a cafe and again, the conversation was richer than the food.
It was such a great day.
It's hard for me to not have a touch of sadness about it. I know not everyday can be this way. But, I only get a couple days like this a year. It is so rare for me to get to spend time with multiple people when there isn't an expectation or it doesn't involve completing a task.
What is far more rare for me is to have an extended period of time when I get to feel normal. Like just one of the girls hanging out with the girls.
Again, I know that everyday isn't that way. Most people are busy enough that they only get this type of interaction once or twice a month. I'd just like to have it more than once or twice a year.
Oh how I long to have more days like this. Days when just being me and being with other people can collide and feel so normal.
It started early, way early. Three of us took off for a giant tent sale at 5 am. The shopping was overwhelming and fun and exciting. It just wasn't the best part of the day.
Early and me as co-pilot doesn't work well, so we started off going to Kansas but ended up only adding a few minutes onto the trip. Nobody got mad, we laughed and checked out the sites.
When you are in line with 30 and then 50 and then eventually a couple hundred other women, what is there to do? We talked, enjoyed coffee and pastries and talked some more. It is so rare for me to have time with a couple ladies I don't know well and genuinely enjoy the conversation.
We all embarked on a unique shopping experience after our three hour wait. Regardless of what we said or did, we will forever be bonded by our experience and the multiple layers of craziness we witnessed. As we picked through the tables and tables of stuff, some things were very clear. We all three share some similar tastes and some very different ones. We also agree that next year we will arrive at least an hour earlier so that we too can unleash our inner level of crazy and get even better deals.
After we had scoured every last inch of the tent, we paid and loaded our new prized possessions and headed to shop the rest of the stores. It was nice to stroll through the stores without taking an elbow to the chest or smashed toes.
We sat down for lunch at a cafe and again, the conversation was richer than the food.
It was such a great day.
It's hard for me to not have a touch of sadness about it. I know not everyday can be this way. But, I only get a couple days like this a year. It is so rare for me to get to spend time with multiple people when there isn't an expectation or it doesn't involve completing a task.
What is far more rare for me is to have an extended period of time when I get to feel normal. Like just one of the girls hanging out with the girls.
Again, I know that everyday isn't that way. Most people are busy enough that they only get this type of interaction once or twice a month. I'd just like to have it more than once or twice a year.
Oh how I long to have more days like this. Days when just being me and being with other people can collide and feel so normal.
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