Maybe Cancer, Maybe Not

A few days before a blogpost, I usually have some idea of what's on my mind and what needs to come out.  Not this past couple weeks.  It's been a roller coaster.

I suppose that things started to take a nose dive about the time of the last post.  The disappointment of the kids not coming to visit was just the beginning.  In hindsight, it was probably good they weren't here.  My past two weeks have been filled with one medical appointment after another.

Two weeks ago, I had to make a trip to the ER.  I'll spare you the graphic details, but I thought I was going to die.  I obviously didn't, but it started a whirlwind of doctor visits and tests.

Bloodwork and initial tests in the ER showed that I had an abnormal growth pattern in my uterus.  My hemoglobin was low and I was weak.  I would have an emergency visit with a gyno a couple days later.  The upside was that my bloodwork did not show any abnormalities in white or red blood cells, indicating that I wasn't fighting any infections and didn't show any immediate evidence of fighting a major disease.

My appointment would lead to more tests, biopsies.  At that time, I honestly wasn't worried.  This was the same steps that happened prior to my diagnoses of adenomyosis over seven years ago. 

In the meantime, my tear duct infection made a roaring comeback and forced me to a local eye doctor.  Since it was recurrent, I had to start a round of high powered antibiotics.  No fun.  Two rounds of those, increasing in strength, has left me with even more tummy trouble.

I also had to make an appointment for November with a dermatologist because a suspicous black spot showed up on the back of my arm.  To add to that fun, I am going to need to see an ENT soon because my positional vertigo is back with a vengenance.

Any wonder why I feel like I am suddenly falling apart?

Don't get me wrong, it was sweet of people to check to see if I had gotten results from my biopsies.  However, I realized that others were far more concerned than I was.  Insert sudden onset of fear right here!

In addition to all the other issues, the biopsy process only worsened the problem that sent me to the ER in the first place.  Miserable!!!!

On Wednesday morning, I received the call I had been waiting for....sort of.  It wasn't the doctor, it was the nurse.  She said that I now needed to come in to talk to the doctor because the course of treatment had been changed.  I begged her to tell me if it was cancer and of course she could not clearly answer that. 

Why is it that when bad news comes, you are always driving?  I calmly called my husband and then immediately began the wailing, hyperventilating cry.  I love my husband.  He was so wonderful to take off the rest of the day to stay with me. 

Later that day, we sat and listened to the doctor as she explained my results in her very broken English.  Let me just add this funny.  Uterus in broken English doesn't sound anything like uterus, but more like some made up word for some kind of snake. 

I digress.  She explained that there was no evidence of cancer.  However, the tissue samples were abnormal and may contain precancerous cells.  She said because of that, she needed to transfer my care.  She said if I chose to not get any treatment my entire life, those cells had about a 10% chance of developing into cancer. 

Now we wait to see a specialist in another city.  We aren't sure exactly what treatment will be, but know that hysterectomy is on the table.  That's another discussion for another time. 

I think if I weren't in so much pain right now, I would be far more excited. 

There are a few things I have gotten out of these past two weeks. 

Being really sick has grounded me a little bit from my normal worrying about every little ache and pain.  My hemoglobin wasn't low enough for a transfusion, but it was almost low enough for IV intervention.  It was also low enough to make me very weak and very cold.  My goodness, I'm just now wearing only one shirt to bed.  I'm still not sleeping well because of pain, but I am exhausted most of the day.

When it really matters, I'm not alone.  My husband has been there when I needed him and when I wanted him. 

I have the Corrie Ten Boom quote between our bathroom mirrors that goes something like this...You never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.  This whole process of moving and falling apart has tested my faith beyond what I realized.  I was angry.  I was hurt.  I blamed God.  I felt like I was being punished.  However, laying on an ER table, completely weak and feeling as though you might die before anyone helps you, you realize that Jesus is all you have.  When the sounds got distant and the people got blurry, the only thing I had was Jesus.  Either He would walk me through this or I would see Him soon.  I know, I wasn't that close to death.  But, I was probably weaker than I have ever been in my life and probably more scared than ever before. 

Honestly, I don't know where all of this is going.  I don't know the outcome.  I don't know what the plan is for any of the other looming health issues.  Goodness, please pray for us.  Our plates are full and running over right now.  And, we are here to go it alone.  Just us and Jesus and those who encourage and pray for us.

A Glass of Wine and 2 Zebra Cakes

Sure you have seen those Little Debbie Zebra cakes in the gas station, the little white cakes that are 50 cents.  Last night I ate two of them and drank/guzzled a glass of wine, the cheap, $3 stuff that tastes more like grape juice than alcohol.

Why?

Because I am firmly sitting on rock bottom here in Ohio.  As evidenced by the zebra cakes, there is an infinite amount of self loathing going on down here in the pit.  A pit so deep that the delectable coated cake and cream could not budge me at all.

Even as I laugh at funny that sounds, I know that at the heart of it....this is no joke.

There is no sugar coating it, things are rough right now.

For starters, I am falling apart physically.  I have some significant health issues which can only be resolved with a hysterectomy.  I'm not ready for that.  For three weeks, I have been fighting a tear duct infection.  We've both had serious sinus pain and headaches since we moved, along with stomach problems.  Our stomachs have not adapted to the hard mineral water we have to drink here and we both load up on anti gas/anti acid meds everyday.  Oh, and my hair has grown quickly but is falling out.

I suppose that stress could be a contributing factor.  We have been put under a huge amount of stress that we never expected and certainly never asked for either.

Our house still isn't sold.  We don't even have any prospects.  We did drop our first agents and now have a new one.  However, after several months of making it work financially, we just can't any more.  We had to stop paying our mortgage payments on the other house.  

I'd like to take a moment and have a full blown rant.  Why do people pass so much judgement when they find out you have a second mortgage?  We aren't the only people to get ourselves into financial trouble, lots of people do.  We chose to pay our debts instead of filing bankruptcy.  And, I would like to add, not in any time during those years or since have we ever had late payments and have never been delinquent on an account.  In fact, the majority of our $180,000 of credit card debt was from credit cards used/abused by one of my family members.  Instead of prosecution, we assumed the debt. And yet, we get judged for it now as if we weren't responsible.

Ok, back to the house.  We are now in the Hail Mary phase of this.  If we do not get our house sold in the next 75 days, we are looking at one of the following:  foreclosure, short sale, bankruptcy.  It's not looking favorably for us.  

When we moved here, we chose an extremely modest home with low payments and low utilities.  We did that so that we could recover from the 7 years of $2500 mortgage payments.  We wanted some breathing room so that we could do things like travel back home and eventually move back home and pursue more actively adoption or foster care.  Now, we face a mountain of uncertainty and what looks to be financial ruin.

Honestly, I should be in church right now.  If things worked out at all, I'd be sitting in church right now with my niece and nephew.  Keeping in mind that those two kids are my only link to family at all, you can imagine how heartbroken I am that they aren't here.  It was a fight and a juggling act to get them plane tickets.  Less than 24 hours before they were to leave, my nephew fell down a river embankment and tore something in his knee.  I'm incredibly thankful he was not hurt worse and that he had a cell phone on him, because he was alone.  His next week is going to be filled with doctor visits, tests and determining the need for surgery.  My niece didn't want to come alone.  So, I sit here alone.

A week ago, we realized that much of my husband's depression and anxiety had been from an anti depressant he was taking.  His new doctor here got him off of it and he has turned a corner emotionally.  Over the past two weeks, he has admitted to me that he had contemplated suicide to make things easier for me.  I seriously freaked.  We have multiple guns in the house and he knows how to use them.  I'm pissed that an anti-depressant caused so much depression.  It caused that and brain fog and physical pain and six months of me having to carry us both emotionally.  I'm glad to have him back.

Probably one of the more constant and hardest things is the lack of a support system.  We are in the middle of nowhere.  There is a 3 month wait for general healthcare and a 6 month wait for mental healthcare.  I'm the outsider here.  Everyone is friendly and that's great.  However, there's not much room for me inside of the established cliques and bonded social groups.  I've tried to reach out to people the way I have learned.  Invite ladies for lunch or coffee.  No go.  They don't do that much here.  It's a foreign concept to them.  I ask questions of church leaders and ladies at church when any kind of social event is happening.  Shut out.  I get told a lot that it's for kids or just basic info with no invitation.  They truly don't know how to accept a stranger.  And, I could get on a real soap box about this too.  If you can't bring an outsider or newbie into the church and make them feel welcome...well then you should probably not by witnessing to the lost.  A lost person and outsider have a lot in common and neither will make it inside your church if you don't make a place for them.

I honestly don't know when or even if things will turn around.  I hope they do, even though I struggle with where the hope is placed.  It's lonely here in this pit and I hate it, but I'll never make it out alone.  Left to my own doing, I'll contently set here trying to drown the pain in wine and zebra cakes.