The worst kept secret in my life is how difficult the past two years have been. I feel like I've reached a point. Maybe it's a turning point, maybe it's a point of no return. I'm not sure yet. What I do know is that there must be changes going forward or the thing that's going to break is me.
This blog has been and always will be a place for me. I've never written for anyone else, just me. It's been good for me. I've been able to look back at things that have been good, difficult and stretched my faith.
Over the years, I've shared my blog with people who I trusted enough. Enough to to be vulnerable. I've shared it with people who have wanted to know more about me and my journey.
I've also found that my blog, whether by design or accident, has fallen into the hands of people I wished it had not. There have been times I've been harassed. I've had my words used against me. My blog has even become a source of rumor and gossip for those who's hearts haven't been so kind toward me.
While there's been good, the bad has been hard. I need to good. I need everything that this blog was meant to be. But I feel the need for some self preservation. I need for people who don't have my best interest in mind to no longer be a part of my blogosphere.
In order to have those two things, it's with great sadness to say this blog has come to an end.
I'm still going to blog. Like I said, the good and healthy part of this is too good to let go. There is a new blog. One that will allow me a bit more anonymity.
Now, if you are a personal friend or someone who is a regular reader and would like the new blog, feel free to contact me. I'll be happy to have you continue on this journey with me.
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Sunday, April 3, 2016
Chair Victory
We spent yesterday morning furniture shopping. The love seat I set on is about worn out. It's not old. But when we started to use it daily, we learned the quality wasn't what we expected. My husband's chair has been with us for about ten years. It's been broken and fixed and broken again. The move proved to be its undoing and it's not been the same for two years.
So we set off with a plan, but two completely different ideas on what we wanted. He was content for us to have two completely different chairs. He wanted a rocker recliner with a handle for the recliner. I wanted an oversized recliner or love seat. I wanted matching colors or colors that would compliment our couch.
Store after store, we found things that were ok. Not exactly what we wanted, but tolerable. It became clear that we were growing even further apart on what we wanted.
Our last stop before lunch was an Ashley store in Dayton. I immediately found my oversized recliner. My husband, a shock to me, set down in a plush rocker recliner with electronic controls. Up. Down. He was impressed with the mechanics and comfort.
Then we started to talk about my choice. They didn't match nor compliment the couch. My choice also looked like an opportunity for me to sit in awkward positions and hurt my back. After some discussion, I sat down in my husbands choice of recliner. I loved it. So comfy.
It took all of a few seconds for us to say...two please! Of course there was a time of dealing and price discussions. They made us a deal. They even deliver clear down to us. Not something we've found easily in Dayton.
You might think the fact we came to a decision in 30 minutes is the victory. And maybe it is. But, that's not the victory for me.
About 4-5 years ago, we had to throw my recliner out. We literally hauled it to the dump. It wasn't old. It wasn't broken. It stunk. My chair, over time, had been saturated by urine. Not by pets or us, but an abuser who used urination as a form of exerting control in our house.
It's sick, yes. But it was a reality of the often tortured life we lived when we had a close proximity to my dad. There's a long list of the ways he showed control in our home. He needed to be the alpha, even when my husband wasn't even aware.
Living over 700 miles away from him now makes his reign in our lives over. It is glorious!
Since we threw out my recliner, I've sat on the couch or love seat. I didn't want a chair. I didn't want something of my own for him to mark and defile. I won't lie, Part of that is shame. I didn't believe I deserved anything of my own.
When we got home yesterday, I was overwhelmed. There's a part of me that had a "haha you can't destroy my stuff" moment. The best way I can describe what I felt was victory. I get to have something of my own and know it won't be destroyed.
Buying any furniture is usually a hassle. I know, we've done it. But there's nothing better than buying furniture and having it be part of the victory over the past, the abuse and the abuser. There aren't enough of those victories, so they should be celebrated and acknowledged.
So we set off with a plan, but two completely different ideas on what we wanted. He was content for us to have two completely different chairs. He wanted a rocker recliner with a handle for the recliner. I wanted an oversized recliner or love seat. I wanted matching colors or colors that would compliment our couch.
Store after store, we found things that were ok. Not exactly what we wanted, but tolerable. It became clear that we were growing even further apart on what we wanted.
Our last stop before lunch was an Ashley store in Dayton. I immediately found my oversized recliner. My husband, a shock to me, set down in a plush rocker recliner with electronic controls. Up. Down. He was impressed with the mechanics and comfort.
Then we started to talk about my choice. They didn't match nor compliment the couch. My choice also looked like an opportunity for me to sit in awkward positions and hurt my back. After some discussion, I sat down in my husbands choice of recliner. I loved it. So comfy.
It took all of a few seconds for us to say...two please! Of course there was a time of dealing and price discussions. They made us a deal. They even deliver clear down to us. Not something we've found easily in Dayton.
You might think the fact we came to a decision in 30 minutes is the victory. And maybe it is. But, that's not the victory for me.
About 4-5 years ago, we had to throw my recliner out. We literally hauled it to the dump. It wasn't old. It wasn't broken. It stunk. My chair, over time, had been saturated by urine. Not by pets or us, but an abuser who used urination as a form of exerting control in our house.
It's sick, yes. But it was a reality of the often tortured life we lived when we had a close proximity to my dad. There's a long list of the ways he showed control in our home. He needed to be the alpha, even when my husband wasn't even aware.
Living over 700 miles away from him now makes his reign in our lives over. It is glorious!
Since we threw out my recliner, I've sat on the couch or love seat. I didn't want a chair. I didn't want something of my own for him to mark and defile. I won't lie, Part of that is shame. I didn't believe I deserved anything of my own.
When we got home yesterday, I was overwhelmed. There's a part of me that had a "haha you can't destroy my stuff" moment. The best way I can describe what I felt was victory. I get to have something of my own and know it won't be destroyed.
Buying any furniture is usually a hassle. I know, we've done it. But there's nothing better than buying furniture and having it be part of the victory over the past, the abuse and the abuser. There aren't enough of those victories, so they should be celebrated and acknowledged.
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