Still There

Even though I carry it with me everyday, I had not opened my Grace for the Moment in nearly a month. I don't know what it's like for anyone else, but in tough times it easy to feel too broken, even for God.


I rarely have a problem directing others to God when they go through tough times. In my heart, I know that it is only in God that we can ever find true forgiveness, love, acceptance, comfort, joy and so much more. Even when we find those things in other people, it is because they are able to share what God has given them in abundance.

It is short trip at times to the bottom of that deep, dark pit where I feel broken in pieces and ripped to shreds. In that place is where I look at the mess I am and have no hope that even God can save me. It is here that a cloud of despair fills my heart and builds a wall between what I know is true and what I feel at the moment.

Looking back to my childhood, I realize that a deep, dark pit was a place of comfort for me. There were times when I would separate myself from the abuse and chaos around me by mentally going to a deep, dark pit. While it was a lonely place, it was a safe place. It was a place where nothing bad could happen. The longer I stayed there, the more deprived I became. Even in the safe place, I found myself alone, unable to breathe, and wanting to leave. Although I had created a place where I did not have to feel the physical and emotional pain, even the deep pit fostered a pain of it’s own.

Even if I did not know Him during those times, He knew me. I was a child, broken by circumstance, sin and evil. As I look at any child today, I know God loves them. Broken and alone, I too was loved by God as a child. But it is the evil that was so prevalent in my life which keeps me feeling too broken for even God.

With what is going on in my life right now, it’s even easier to feel as though I am broken into too many pieces for God to sew back together. I tend to look at the road I have ahead and feel overwhelmed. If it’s too big for me to imagine, then it must be too big for God. That is a thought that often consumes me and has wafted through my head a lot recently. Too big, too many pieces, too much and the road is just too long….I am too much for anyone and for God.

Today’s verse in Grace was this:

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and He saves those whose spirits have been crushed. Psalm 34:18

How is it that today, May 26, 2010 I would need to know that? How could it have been so perfectly planned? Who knew I would be sitting in that deep, dark pit, knowing that I was broken beyond repair? Who knew I would need to be reminded that God loves the brokenhearted and saves those whose spirits have been crushed?

Only God!

Why?

Because He loves me and He is bigger than my brokenness!

Once Again....

After a long, emotional day, I sit here wondering if God can hear my cries or knows the threads of my tattered heart.

There is barely a day that goes by that I do not find another obstacle staring me in the face. Some of them are little bumps in the road while others are huge hurdles that without a doubt will take more than one try to overcome.

As if it were prewritten, my day started completely out of control. With only minutes to get myself ready, I walked out of the house rattled but ready to take on the day. Sometimes, it is easy for me to remember that my day will not go in any direction where God will not go before me.

My rattled start was followed by a constant movement of people and noise, making it difficult to maintain a sense of normal.

Today was a day when my hurdles seemed to grow larger and my fight to overcome them grew weak. I do believe some of that is a bi-product of living daily with an illness.

By the time my day was less than half over, I had seen many reminders that my life is not my own and neither is anyone else's.

On any given night during the past two weeks, I have been in danger of being hurt or worse. I know it is only by the power of God that I am sitting here now. But the residual emotions and reality of that is harder than I care to share right now.

I learned also that a friend had been diagnosed with cancer. Again, her life is not her own. Her hurdles may grow larger and she may grow weary. But even with her, on any day, she will not go anywhere God has not gone before her.

It is possible that I have more to deal with at the moment than I know how to comprehend. There is no starting point and no ending point. What other choice is there besides to cry out to God? When my hurdles grow larger, I can only cry out for help. When I don't have the words to take away a friend's fear, all I have is the ability to cry out to God. When I struggle to understand my out of control life, the only thing I can do is cry out to God.

I wish I had the confidence to know that God knows each of the broken pieces of my heart. I believe it is only in the crying out to God that will lead to moments when I clearly see how knows me, loves me and promises to rebuild my broken heart.

I am exhausted. I can only cry out to God. I am too weak to overcome my hurdles. I can barely look them in the face. I am crying out to God that He will show up in big and powerful ways right now and remind us all that He is the only one who can mend the brokenness.

God, if you are listening....YOU KNOW! YOU KNOW MY CRIES!

To God Alone

My life, when looking at a week long span, is at best described as a roller coaster. This would not be the way I would choose to live but is how I live because of circumstance.

There are times I am able to stomp on the brakes, coming to a screaching halt. But, mostly, my life is totally out of my control.

Lately, I have been identifying with Aaron Shusts song "To God Alone." He is saying, here I am...do what you want with because my life is not my own and I will give you (God) all the glory.

That is truly how I am learning to live every day. My life is not my own. I can try my best, but it doesn't belong to me. For those of you who know me, know that in an even more extensive way, my life is not my own. I am learning to allow God to take my life and trust that He will be sufficient in everything and everywhere.

When I became a Christian, I had nothing to hang onto in the rough times accept a God who's promises were all written and completely unknown to me. It was like getting on a bike for the first time and trying to trust that someone would catch you if you fell, even if you couldn't see them.

I've always been the kind of person who had to learn the hard way what was real and true. My Christian life hasn't proven to be any different. I once had someone tell me that as a new Christian, you have to use other people's experiences to hang onto God's promises in the bad times. That's easier said than done.

Finally, I have some real life God experience under my belt. It's a lot easier to trust that someone will catch you when you fall if you feel their hands guiding you.

Not to overshadow the past six months, but the last two weeks have been particularly tough for me. My roller coaster life took some quick turns and fell from the highest peaks to the lowest valleys.

Can You take me by the hand?

Can You use me as I am?
Break me into who You want me to be
When the time is finally right
Will You open up my eyes and show me everything You want me to see?
This life is not my own

To God alone be the Glory

Fitting In???

This is one of those moments when it’s necessary to be brutally honest. Some people may not appreciate my honesty at times. I never do the “it’s my blog and I’ll say whatever I want” but it really is. I never mean to offend anyone, but I also cannot always speak the truth unless I am willing to be honest about the good and the bad.


I had the privilege of being an observer during a group activity/game with our youth group at church. I could hear the girls giggling and the guys, well, doing the guy “things.” By guy things, I mean wrestling, running and being children at heart.

The thing that came to mind while I listened and watched the youth group was their sense of togetherness. Sure, there were small groups that tended to hang together. But, there were no obvious outcasts. To take in an overview of the group, you would conclude that they genuinely enjoyed spending time with one another.

I know many of these kids have grown up in church together, so there is some familiarity. But they seemed to fit together as if were each a piece of a puzzle. I choked back each and every tear that came as I listened to the kids.

Looking back at my life and even now, I think that is something that has been missing. I don’t think I have ever found too many places where I felt as if I fit.

While I am very grateful for my church, it is one of those places where I have yet to find my place.

In all fairness, I have no other positive church experiences to compare this one to and I am very introverted in groups of any size.

The church I attend is comprised largely of seasoned Christians with a solid base of those who are charter members or long term members. I do believe that foundation of people is what makes a church very solid. I also believe it is the downfall to new Christians finding their place in the church.

Not since I was a child had I been to a Sunday School class. As Kent and I considered attending, a new class was forming. That class was great for me, not so much for me. The group had couples and singles who were my age or younger. The subjects they covered were basic enough that I could understand them and the questions that came up seemed to cover what was floating around in my head.

That class changed in leadership and in membership as well. The class I had become comfortable in was no more. Along with the change, the younger people left. Maybe it was the change that was too much for me. The new leadership in the class taught far beyond my understanding, so I too left.

I did visit other classes, but found similar experiences in all of them. They were full of seasoned Christians who conversed on a level my little brain could not follow. I have also had a difficult time finding a leader who was willing to answer the silly questions and literally hold the hand of a spiritual toddler.

Again, in all fairness to everyone involved, I have not spent time in every single class. I will be the first to admit that I gave up before exhausting every single opportunity. There may indeed be other opportunities there that I haven’t experienced.

That was two years ago this month and I still have not found a place in Sunday School where I fit.

Other bible studies have been much the same.

Kent and I have a small home. While we have enjoyed being a part of small groups, we have been hesitant to get too involved. Our home is old, small and dingy compared to every other home our groups have met in. We haven’t offered, not only for size, but for fear that we would be looked down on for how we live.

For a while, I thought I had found a place in our women’s bible studies. After attending for over a year, I realized that I was still just on the outside of every group of women. There was one night when it became painfully obvious that I would not easily fit in that group either.

A woman, Christian for years, offered her opinion one night about why women are raped. She said that women who wear provocative clothing are asking for it. I’m not one bit shy about saying that any group who allows a woman to say this so freely is not the place for me. Since then, I have struggled to go back. It’s easier to stay home.

I have tried more recently another small women’s bible study. The jury is still out on it. Could it be the place where I fit in the puzzle? Maybe, but I hold that idea very openly.

Kent and I have often thought about trying a different church. But, we feel very strongly that it was God who took us to that church. And, likewise, we feel God has not guided us to leave.

It is with tear stained cheeks and a lonely heart that I ask God to open a place for me. A place where He knows I fit and a place where I can find comfort in being a part of the puzzle.

Green and Pink

While I got ready today, I laid out my next blog topic. And, once again, my mind was changed by the time I sat down to write.

I woke up with frustration over so much in my life. Some days, I can think about it and move on without much hesitation. Today wasn't going to be one of those days, I wasn't going to let that happen. I wanted to be frustrated. I deserve to be frustrated. I haven't driven in months. It is rare to have time alone. Right now, every day a war begins for me before my feet hit the floor and battle goes on inside me until my eyes close at night. I wanted to be frustrated about that!

But, all of that escaped me. As I sat in the sun and consume all that surrounded me, I began to lose my frustrations. The pink and white flowers that were in various stages of bloom drew me in and the sounds of the birds captivated my thoughts. The bright green trees caught the gentle breeze and gave me a slight wave as if they were welcoming me to join them.

During a therapy session in November of 2008, I watched a video that, at the time, I thought was nothing more than silly jabber that would never be of use to me. But, now I recall how the doctor talked about taking a deep breath in and exhaling all the anxiety and bad thoughts out.

Breathe in fresh air, forcing out all that was bad. In with the good, out with the bad. Yes, that was what was happening to me. The silly jabber was coming back to me and I was doing just that.

It didn't seem to be happening by choice. I wasn't sitting there doing anything special. It was a natural process and it was taking hold me right then and there.

My day could have begun and stayed in that ugly frustration. It would have been ok if it had. In all reality, that frustration will likely return and sooner than I'd wish.

But I cannot deny that, even if for a short time, I was able to let go of all that was wrong and live in the beauty of all that was right.

Ahhh, I live for moments like this and moments like this give me reason to live.

You Know

Have you ever had times when you sat watching television and after an hour you couldn't remember one thing you had just watched? That's fairly common for people, especially after a long day. It's easy for a tired mind and body to "zone out" while doing activities that are for the most part, mindless.

Chances are, even you if you don't remember it, you have done this type of thing. But imagine for a moment if you did that for hours at a time or even days.

I am still uncomfortable sharing exactly what is going on in my life, but I can safely share that I have periods of time like this.

It is not uncommon for me to go through blocks of time, sometimes hours and hours, without any memory of it. It is not uncommon for me to find myself in places, talking to people or even doing obscure things without any immediate knowledge of how I got there.

Without a doubt, I always feel unsettled at first and then try my best to recall the last thing I remember. As was the case today when I found myself sitting at church and not remembering much since yesterday evening. I was fully functioning, just not myself so to speak.

When I sat down in the church sanctuary trying to remember anything to connect me to the last 16 hours, I started to wonder if I really needed to agonize over it.

Rarely do I find comfort in opening the bible and looking at random pages. But today, I found myself reading Psalm 139.

The sanctuary is the one place that reminds me of God's place in my life and my situation. Sometimes I sit in the sanctuary of the church and the one and only thing I think about is this:
Jesus said, "Your Father knows how many hairs there are on your head!" (Matthew 10:30)

When you lose as much time as I do, there is comfort in knowing that God knows. He knows where you are, what you are doing because He knows you and me.

I had never read Psalm 139, but it too is a picture of how God knows us and knows where we are in life. I must never stray too far from knowing that in those times when I have no memory, God does and knows every minute, every second.

1 O LORD, you have searched me

and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

This is not all of the Psalm. I encourage you to check it out.