How many licks does it take to get to the center of Tootsie Pop?
How many years do you have to go to church with someone before they don't treat you like a stranger?
Ya know, I don't have the answer to either one of those questions. But, I'm pretty sure the first would be easier to figure out.
Let me share a couple experiences I had this past weekend. I should also say that these aren't the only two, but probably the two closest together.
Saturday, we were at a bbq with friends. With the exception, of two families, we have gone to church with all of these people for many, many years. Some of them, 10 years minus the 2 we were in Ohio.
We had a man come up to us and start talking. This wasn't a big deal, we knew him. We had been in small group with him, spent many of these 4th of July picnics with him, been to his house for dinner and my brother in law had worked with him at one time.
The problem, he didn't know who we were. He didn't just forget our names, he didn't remember anything about us. He said he felt like he should know us, but didn't.
On Sunday, we ran into a family we went to church with for six years. My husband worked in the sound booth with the husband and I helped the wife each year during vbs in some way or another. They didn't recognize us or engage in any conversation at all.
I'm not exaggerating when I say this often happens to us.
I suppose I am humbled each time when I figure out once again my insignificance.
Why is it that church people are like this more than anyone else?
I have run into former coworkers from a job I held for a month nearly 20 years ago and people recognize me. There are people who have worked for me or with me for short times and will stop me in a crowd. The girl who went to school with me in 6-8 grade will stop me a convenience store. So, how is it that people I "do life" with for years don't recognize or acknowledge me when they sit down right in front of me?
Could it be that people in church are caught up in their own self so much that they don't see people around them?
I'm going to say it and know it won't be a popular opinion. Is it possible that church people are some of the least caring/loving people out there?
Honestly, I am kind of kicking myself. If I could go back to my first church and the few people who told me it wasn't just that church, I'd probably apologize for not believing them. They were right. It isn't just that church. It's permeated every church everywhere.
I'm also going to offer another unpopular opinion that many will disagree with, but I know to be true from experience.
Churches cultivate strong, lifelong relationships for many people. What the church does not cultivate very well are relationships between lifelong members and those who are different. By different, I mean people who come to know Christ as an adult or those who do not have children. I fit both. I know they don't foster relationships for either of those groups. I have seen it for us and for others like us.
I will say that this has taken a toll on my fragile relationship with church. It isn't that I want significance at all. But, if I share a meal with someone multiple times, I would hope they would remember something about me.
All of this makes starting over again look even more appealing. I don't mean in finding a church, but moving to another state.
Friday, June 30, 2017
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
Nothing Else Matters
"His desire is for us to cling to him. There will come a time when nothing else matters, but God."
That was something I picked up from the sermon at the church we visited this week. This and the entire sermon on Jacob spoke to my heart. There were two different directions this tugged at my heart.
I typically don't have a lot of self esteem issues and I'm not sure that's what I have going on now. Lately, I have just felt too broken, too dirty, too much. Not for anything or anyone in particular, but just in general.
That's not a big revelation or confession of guilt or some huge sin in my life. Believe me, I lead a rather dull life these days. I think it is probably more of realization that there's a growing distance between God and myself. Possibly because of my very real discontent with church. Possibly it's my world experience bleeding over into my view of God.
I have spent a solid three years feeling very disconnected from church and people. Even now, I don't feel like I have a lot of friends or even human contact. I have made efforts to change that, but it doesn't seem to work. I told myself in Ohio, that it was the people. Here, I am having a harder time not taking it personally.
In fact, I'd say I am taking it very personally. There's probably not a week that goes by that I don't think that maybe I'm too this or that for people to want to be around me. I have spent hours and days wondering what I could do to make myself more attractive to people.
Now, I do think this has led to me feeling like I'm unattractive to God. If people don't want to be around me, then he probably doesn't either. It's been an ongoing battle between heart and mind for months now.
I woke up last week with Natalie Grant's song Clean in my head. This is song I haven't liked much. But, it really does touch on exactly how I have been feeling. It's a process. My heart and mind will eventually get on the same page, but it's a slow process.
This sermon was a reminder of exactly what the song says. The way I see me, the way others see me, that's not the way God sees me. What I've done, my sin, none of it matters. He makes me clean if I cling to him.
The other part of this for me has to do with my family. When we moved back, we had a strong connection with my brother and his family. After Thanksgiving, we lost it. I have no idea why. We've gone about seven months without much more than a couple fb messages. It isn't from not trying. We've tried to see them, call and text. We've gotten nothing back.
I won't lie, it's been hard. Super hard. I have felt abandoned all over again. There's no words that can describe that kind of pain.
What I got from yesterday was that I still have God. I sacrificed my family once for God. If they want to abandon me again, that's fine. I still have God. He won't leave me. It doesn't' make it any less painful. But when the tears are dried up, I still have this good thing in my life.
I probably need to write this reminder on something that I look at everyday.
That was something I picked up from the sermon at the church we visited this week. This and the entire sermon on Jacob spoke to my heart. There were two different directions this tugged at my heart.
I typically don't have a lot of self esteem issues and I'm not sure that's what I have going on now. Lately, I have just felt too broken, too dirty, too much. Not for anything or anyone in particular, but just in general.
That's not a big revelation or confession of guilt or some huge sin in my life. Believe me, I lead a rather dull life these days. I think it is probably more of realization that there's a growing distance between God and myself. Possibly because of my very real discontent with church. Possibly it's my world experience bleeding over into my view of God.
I have spent a solid three years feeling very disconnected from church and people. Even now, I don't feel like I have a lot of friends or even human contact. I have made efforts to change that, but it doesn't seem to work. I told myself in Ohio, that it was the people. Here, I am having a harder time not taking it personally.
In fact, I'd say I am taking it very personally. There's probably not a week that goes by that I don't think that maybe I'm too this or that for people to want to be around me. I have spent hours and days wondering what I could do to make myself more attractive to people.
Now, I do think this has led to me feeling like I'm unattractive to God. If people don't want to be around me, then he probably doesn't either. It's been an ongoing battle between heart and mind for months now.
I woke up last week with Natalie Grant's song Clean in my head. This is song I haven't liked much. But, it really does touch on exactly how I have been feeling. It's a process. My heart and mind will eventually get on the same page, but it's a slow process.
This sermon was a reminder of exactly what the song says. The way I see me, the way others see me, that's not the way God sees me. What I've done, my sin, none of it matters. He makes me clean if I cling to him.
The other part of this for me has to do with my family. When we moved back, we had a strong connection with my brother and his family. After Thanksgiving, we lost it. I have no idea why. We've gone about seven months without much more than a couple fb messages. It isn't from not trying. We've tried to see them, call and text. We've gotten nothing back.
I won't lie, it's been hard. Super hard. I have felt abandoned all over again. There's no words that can describe that kind of pain.
What I got from yesterday was that I still have God. I sacrificed my family once for God. If they want to abandon me again, that's fine. I still have God. He won't leave me. It doesn't' make it any less painful. But when the tears are dried up, I still have this good thing in my life.
I probably need to write this reminder on something that I look at everyday.
Monday, June 26, 2017
Valley Campus Church
Since we moved, we have often seen huge trailers and signs for a church meeting at the grade school behind our house. Sunday, we finally decided to give it a try.
The church meets in the grade school. Although, I have no clue how long this has been going on, it seems well established. We live on a cul-de-sac and the school backs up to the houses on our street. I can stand on my deck and see kids playing during the school year and definitely hear them. It is by far, the most convenient church we could attend.
This campus is a satellite of First Baptist Blue Springs. We set almost right on the border of Blue Springs, so I suppose this is a perfect spot for a campus. They bring in large trailers full of equipment, set up and take down, all in a matter of hours.
One of the reasons to give this church a try is that we naturally believed a lot of our neighbors were attending. We have seen signs in yards and have seen them pull in.
The atmosphere was incredibly relaxed. I suppose meeting in a gymnasium lends itself to being relaxed.
Greeters and those handing out programs gave a friendly, great impression as we walked in the door. That's kind of where it stopped though. Once inside the door, nobody told us where to go, talked to us or even said hello for that matter. When we got to our seats, we spotted a family we knew from a previous church. We were surprise, yes. The fact that they walked past us without speaking or acknowledging us wasn't so much of a surprise. I'm going to get to that in another post.
This church has spared no expense on set up. If you ignored the stadium seating behind you, you would think you were in a legit church and not a gym. It was a very nice set up with stage and equipment.
There was a worship band and the music was fast paced and great. Honestly, I only knew one song. I felt like maybe that was because I don't listen to the radio much these days.
We were so fortunate to be able to witness two baptisms. Is there anything better than visiting a church and seeing the ordinance of baptism being carried out? I think not! It also give you quick insight into what the church believes about baptism. I will say that I don't think I've ever seen a baptism done in a feeding tank. Definitely a new experience.
The preaching was great. The pastor did not provide the correct notes for the bulletin, so I don't have anything to prompt me now. However, it was such a well delivered sermon, that I didn't need notes. He spoke about Jacob. He told about Jacob's life, how we may not be able to identify with having multiple wives but how we can all identify with being broken, manipulative, liars, in search of ways to put ourselves ahead of others even if we have to push them down.
Even in our brokenness, God doesn't leave us. When we wrestle with him, he doesn't leave us. When we are at our lowest point, he doesn't leave us. His desire is for us to cling to him. There will come a time when nothing else matters, but God. Such a powerful message and one I needed to hear.
The bulletin was ok. It didn't give much info about the happenings at this particular campus. I felt like it was all about the main campus. I would have liked to have more pertinent info for this particular campus.
I know from the website only that they have a lot of ministries. Most we would have to attend the main campus to be a part of. That isn't terrible, as the main campus is only about 15 minutes away. According to the website, there are life groups that meet in homes. Again, we got no info about that. There are no Sunday School classes at this campus, but they do have children's programs during church.
As we left, we met both the preaching pastor and the pastor/music leader. Both were incredibly nice and one lives in our neighborhood.
This is a church we will likely visit again. It was disappointing that the church didn't seem that welcoming or friendly. The parking lot seemed a little empty, so maybe it was just an off week. We would also want to visit the main campus if we were ever to make a decision to join this church.
The church meets in the grade school. Although, I have no clue how long this has been going on, it seems well established. We live on a cul-de-sac and the school backs up to the houses on our street. I can stand on my deck and see kids playing during the school year and definitely hear them. It is by far, the most convenient church we could attend.
This campus is a satellite of First Baptist Blue Springs. We set almost right on the border of Blue Springs, so I suppose this is a perfect spot for a campus. They bring in large trailers full of equipment, set up and take down, all in a matter of hours.
One of the reasons to give this church a try is that we naturally believed a lot of our neighbors were attending. We have seen signs in yards and have seen them pull in.
The atmosphere was incredibly relaxed. I suppose meeting in a gymnasium lends itself to being relaxed.
Greeters and those handing out programs gave a friendly, great impression as we walked in the door. That's kind of where it stopped though. Once inside the door, nobody told us where to go, talked to us or even said hello for that matter. When we got to our seats, we spotted a family we knew from a previous church. We were surprise, yes. The fact that they walked past us without speaking or acknowledging us wasn't so much of a surprise. I'm going to get to that in another post.
This church has spared no expense on set up. If you ignored the stadium seating behind you, you would think you were in a legit church and not a gym. It was a very nice set up with stage and equipment.
There was a worship band and the music was fast paced and great. Honestly, I only knew one song. I felt like maybe that was because I don't listen to the radio much these days.
We were so fortunate to be able to witness two baptisms. Is there anything better than visiting a church and seeing the ordinance of baptism being carried out? I think not! It also give you quick insight into what the church believes about baptism. I will say that I don't think I've ever seen a baptism done in a feeding tank. Definitely a new experience.
The preaching was great. The pastor did not provide the correct notes for the bulletin, so I don't have anything to prompt me now. However, it was such a well delivered sermon, that I didn't need notes. He spoke about Jacob. He told about Jacob's life, how we may not be able to identify with having multiple wives but how we can all identify with being broken, manipulative, liars, in search of ways to put ourselves ahead of others even if we have to push them down.
Even in our brokenness, God doesn't leave us. When we wrestle with him, he doesn't leave us. When we are at our lowest point, he doesn't leave us. His desire is for us to cling to him. There will come a time when nothing else matters, but God. Such a powerful message and one I needed to hear.
The bulletin was ok. It didn't give much info about the happenings at this particular campus. I felt like it was all about the main campus. I would have liked to have more pertinent info for this particular campus.
I know from the website only that they have a lot of ministries. Most we would have to attend the main campus to be a part of. That isn't terrible, as the main campus is only about 15 minutes away. According to the website, there are life groups that meet in homes. Again, we got no info about that. There are no Sunday School classes at this campus, but they do have children's programs during church.
As we left, we met both the preaching pastor and the pastor/music leader. Both were incredibly nice and one lives in our neighborhood.
This is a church we will likely visit again. It was disappointing that the church didn't seem that welcoming or friendly. The parking lot seemed a little empty, so maybe it was just an off week. We would also want to visit the main campus if we were ever to make a decision to join this church.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
First Baptist Church Odessa
This week, we visited First Baptist Church Odessa.
For a few reasons, I would have to go back to this church to really give it good consideration. I was extremely sleep deprived and a bit grouchy.
My husband heard about this church from a former coworker.
They have two services, 8:30 am and 10:50 am with Sunday School in between the two.
Following maps, this church was difficult to find. It is in a super small town and I think maybe it has two addresses. One of those is now found on gps. Once we found it, we realized it is super easy to get to and from as it is straight through town.
It is in a very nice building. The sanctuary is big with seats instead of pews. Let me tell you, those seats are big, wide and comfy. I know it's a small thing, but if I'm going to sit there for over an hour, comfort is always good.
They have a very easy to read bulletin with order of service. It has a fill in the blank sermon outline, as well as plenty of info about the church. Probably the only vital error I see with it is the back page. One column is for first time guests to fill out and put in the collection plate so that they have a record of your visit. The other column on this tear off page has all pertinent information. It has all bible study, service and ministry information and all the contact info for staff and pastors.
As for ministries, between the bulletin and website, I know they have women's and men's studies that break for the summer. They have a Wednesday night bible study and Thursday morning. I have no clue what they study or if they adult only. They do offer Celebrate Recovery. I like a church that offers something for the hurting, but I'm not sure about CR specifically. This is something I'd explore more if we chose this church.
They do have a choir, which appeals to me. I love and miss choir. It is also rare to find one.
We were greeted by the preaching pastor and he was at the door as we left. He seems like a very personable man. Only a few people shook our hands or spoke to us. I'm trying to determine how many people have to interact with you for you to feel like you were really welcomed. I'm sure that's different for everyone and probably is different based on congregation size.
The actual sermon was good. It was on Romans 5:1 and kept our attention. We are used to using online bibles on our phones. Inside the sanctuary, there is no cell service for us. They have a guest wifi, but it needs a password. We could not find a password anywhere, so it was useless for us. Kind of a bummer.
Probably the thing I would want to experience again is the music. I wasn't impressed. I know what you are thinking, you don't go to church for the music. However, music is important to me. There are times when I am struggling and I get zero from the sermon. During those times, music is how I connect to the service, church and it keeps me going when I would rather stay home. Except for one song, the music was either hymns or older and unfamiliar to me. I'm not saying that is horrible, but I do prefer more of a mix. I can't connect to the music if I don't know it.
Overall, it was a good experience. Based on what we saw and have read online, this church is inline with what we believe. It does look to be an older, established congregation and of course, makes us wonder how receptive they are to new people.
For a few reasons, I would have to go back to this church to really give it good consideration. I was extremely sleep deprived and a bit grouchy.
My husband heard about this church from a former coworker.
They have two services, 8:30 am and 10:50 am with Sunday School in between the two.
Following maps, this church was difficult to find. It is in a super small town and I think maybe it has two addresses. One of those is now found on gps. Once we found it, we realized it is super easy to get to and from as it is straight through town.
It is in a very nice building. The sanctuary is big with seats instead of pews. Let me tell you, those seats are big, wide and comfy. I know it's a small thing, but if I'm going to sit there for over an hour, comfort is always good.
They have a very easy to read bulletin with order of service. It has a fill in the blank sermon outline, as well as plenty of info about the church. Probably the only vital error I see with it is the back page. One column is for first time guests to fill out and put in the collection plate so that they have a record of your visit. The other column on this tear off page has all pertinent information. It has all bible study, service and ministry information and all the contact info for staff and pastors.
As for ministries, between the bulletin and website, I know they have women's and men's studies that break for the summer. They have a Wednesday night bible study and Thursday morning. I have no clue what they study or if they adult only. They do offer Celebrate Recovery. I like a church that offers something for the hurting, but I'm not sure about CR specifically. This is something I'd explore more if we chose this church.
They do have a choir, which appeals to me. I love and miss choir. It is also rare to find one.
We were greeted by the preaching pastor and he was at the door as we left. He seems like a very personable man. Only a few people shook our hands or spoke to us. I'm trying to determine how many people have to interact with you for you to feel like you were really welcomed. I'm sure that's different for everyone and probably is different based on congregation size.
The actual sermon was good. It was on Romans 5:1 and kept our attention. We are used to using online bibles on our phones. Inside the sanctuary, there is no cell service for us. They have a guest wifi, but it needs a password. We could not find a password anywhere, so it was useless for us. Kind of a bummer.
Probably the thing I would want to experience again is the music. I wasn't impressed. I know what you are thinking, you don't go to church for the music. However, music is important to me. There are times when I am struggling and I get zero from the sermon. During those times, music is how I connect to the service, church and it keeps me going when I would rather stay home. Except for one song, the music was either hymns or older and unfamiliar to me. I'm not saying that is horrible, but I do prefer more of a mix. I can't connect to the music if I don't know it.
Overall, it was a good experience. Based on what we saw and have read online, this church is inline with what we believe. It does look to be an older, established congregation and of course, makes us wonder how receptive they are to new people.
Monday, June 19, 2017
Church Searching
Let me start out by saying, we have a church home. There are plenty of people there who know us and we love dearly. It is a perfectly fine church.
Now, let me explain the stirring in our hearts that is driving us to look at other churches.
Our current church is over 30 minutes away. Since we have fully recovered from having to drive over an hour to anything, we feel the 30 minutes is a little bit long. Sure, once a week is no big deal. But, if you want to fully get involved in a church, then you need to be there more than just on Sunday. By the time my husband gets home, we get dinner, an hour on the road for an hour long bible study is just too much for one night. That is the biggest problem and certainly is the number one reason we are struggling to connect with our church. It isn't anybody's fault, it is just a product of circumstance.
Now might be a good time to make a huge observation. When we left our church in 2014, we were developing new relationships in this church. We were only there for six months, but it was a great six months. There were a few families from our first church and that made it pretty cozy. When we returned in 2016, the church seemed to be full of equal parts new people, previous members and transfers from our first church.
I'm not going to lie, I still have the tiniest bit of hurt plaguing me from our very first church. We attended the church for over six years. We sat in the same place week after week. We went to nearly everything. We got involved in ministries and I led or helped lead in a few. I served in the church office for over three years. Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of times struggling with church because of my own personal stuff. But, we were there.
During that time, people weren't very nice to us. We didn't have children and really didn't have a place or people. It wasn't until we right before we left that we had established a place. In the five years prior to that, people didn't make an effort to get to know us. They barely said hello. In fact, during my time in ministry, I saw the most awful sides of people. Here's the deal though. I've forgiven all of that. However, now we see many of these people sitting in our church now. They still won't bother to say hello and I don't feel overly compelled to put myself in their path. I'm human, it stirs up painful reminders of our first church and difficult to swallow in a church where we are failing connect.
Then, we are just tired. Exhausted really. I don't need to enumerate it, but we spend over two years of church just being hard. Hard because of the unwelcoming, people and crazy situations. Hard because our hearts were just not in it, not really allowed to be in it.
I can only speak for myself, but I don't want to be in church if it's going to exhaust me emotionally. I love church and due to circumstance, the church is my family. I need to be in a place where I can be me and fit. I need to not be judged or stuffed in a corner because I don't have children. I need to be with a church who will allow me to serve people in the ways I am gifted, even if those aren't the way I would choose.
So, here we go. We know that if God doesn't lead us to anywhere else, then He's leading us back to our church. I'm going to try to keep track of our experiences each week. Not for anyone, but me. I need to be honest and try to flesh out those parts of me that are overly critical. I'm hoping God will make it very clear to us in a good time frame, but I know we will keep looking until He does.
Now, let me explain the stirring in our hearts that is driving us to look at other churches.
Our current church is over 30 minutes away. Since we have fully recovered from having to drive over an hour to anything, we feel the 30 minutes is a little bit long. Sure, once a week is no big deal. But, if you want to fully get involved in a church, then you need to be there more than just on Sunday. By the time my husband gets home, we get dinner, an hour on the road for an hour long bible study is just too much for one night. That is the biggest problem and certainly is the number one reason we are struggling to connect with our church. It isn't anybody's fault, it is just a product of circumstance.
Now might be a good time to make a huge observation. When we left our church in 2014, we were developing new relationships in this church. We were only there for six months, but it was a great six months. There were a few families from our first church and that made it pretty cozy. When we returned in 2016, the church seemed to be full of equal parts new people, previous members and transfers from our first church.
I'm not going to lie, I still have the tiniest bit of hurt plaguing me from our very first church. We attended the church for over six years. We sat in the same place week after week. We went to nearly everything. We got involved in ministries and I led or helped lead in a few. I served in the church office for over three years. Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of times struggling with church because of my own personal stuff. But, we were there.
During that time, people weren't very nice to us. We didn't have children and really didn't have a place or people. It wasn't until we right before we left that we had established a place. In the five years prior to that, people didn't make an effort to get to know us. They barely said hello. In fact, during my time in ministry, I saw the most awful sides of people. Here's the deal though. I've forgiven all of that. However, now we see many of these people sitting in our church now. They still won't bother to say hello and I don't feel overly compelled to put myself in their path. I'm human, it stirs up painful reminders of our first church and difficult to swallow in a church where we are failing connect.
Then, we are just tired. Exhausted really. I don't need to enumerate it, but we spend over two years of church just being hard. Hard because of the unwelcoming, people and crazy situations. Hard because our hearts were just not in it, not really allowed to be in it.
I can only speak for myself, but I don't want to be in church if it's going to exhaust me emotionally. I love church and due to circumstance, the church is my family. I need to be in a place where I can be me and fit. I need to not be judged or stuffed in a corner because I don't have children. I need to be with a church who will allow me to serve people in the ways I am gifted, even if those aren't the way I would choose.
So, here we go. We know that if God doesn't lead us to anywhere else, then He's leading us back to our church. I'm going to try to keep track of our experiences each week. Not for anyone, but me. I need to be honest and try to flesh out those parts of me that are overly critical. I'm hoping God will make it very clear to us in a good time frame, but I know we will keep looking until He does.
Saturday, June 17, 2017
Job from Hell
Maybe it's a good thing I don't have a job. A lot of the last nine months, many of the everyday responsibilities have fallen completely on me.
No, that's not a complaint about being a housewife. I naturally assume a lot of the day to day things as my own. But, during the time I have been a housewife (remember I worked a full time job up until 2010 and last year), my husband has always been a partner.
During that time, I could always count on him to help with laundry, dishes, dogs, cleaning, etc. The last ninth months have changed him and taken a lot out of him.
The first seven months of this new job, he was working 60-70 hours per week. Oh my word! He would leave at 6:15 and not get home until 7 pm, working 6:45 to 6:30. With his 30 minute lunch break, that meant 11.25 hours per day. When he would get home, he would eat dinner and work another 2-4 hours. On the weekends, we would do something in the morning on Saturday and Sunday was church. Both afternoons were spent putting in another 10-12 hours. And, now that I really add that up, I realize he was easily working over 80 hours per week. And, getting paid for 40.
You can probably imagine the exhaustion that came with working so many hours. He had very little energy to do anything. When we would go out to dinner or try to do anything, he was so tired and I could see it in his eyes.
There's a physical and mental toll that number of hours takes on a person. I think he experienced them all.
Before I go into that, let me add a little about his working conditions. They aren't good. It is a small, family owned company and they seem to thrive on high drama. The work environment, from all I've heard, is abusive and toxic. Since this is a public blog, I won't say where he works or give too many more details at this time.
Let me also add a little about my husband. He is the kindest, most sensitive man who works hard and had an old school mentality about most things. He has a very fragile self esteem and craves love. The absolutely hardest thing he's ever experienced in life was losing his mom last summer.
Now, to set the stage properly, you have a sensitive person in the midst of grieving working in a toxic environment for over 80 hours a week.
I don't know about you, but that has train wreck written all over it to me.
My once easy going husband began having panic attacks, breaking down mentally and emotionally and would choose sleep over any other activity. He was not himself.
During this time, I was craving attention and time as I was getting no other place. My needs weren't met because they couldn't be. He had nothing left to give. I was getting angry and hurt. He lashed out at me because he could. I wouldn't fire him. Living with him turned from less of a partnership to more of being a hippo walking on eggshells.
You see where this is headed. It was ugly. The straw broke. I had to get real with him and get him to see that we couldn't live like this.
Thank the Lord, his eyes were opened and there was improvement. He got some help putting things in perspective. He started to become more of the man I knew and loved again.
Don't mistake what I am saying. It's not over. It's certainly not perfect. The work environment is still toxic and we cannot wait until he gets out of there. He still works way too many hours, but it's not excessive. He's way more receptive to me pointing out when the job starts to take over our lives.
Of course another job change sets up some instability and lots of potential changes for the future. That's another story for another time.
No, that's not a complaint about being a housewife. I naturally assume a lot of the day to day things as my own. But, during the time I have been a housewife (remember I worked a full time job up until 2010 and last year), my husband has always been a partner.
During that time, I could always count on him to help with laundry, dishes, dogs, cleaning, etc. The last ninth months have changed him and taken a lot out of him.
The first seven months of this new job, he was working 60-70 hours per week. Oh my word! He would leave at 6:15 and not get home until 7 pm, working 6:45 to 6:30. With his 30 minute lunch break, that meant 11.25 hours per day. When he would get home, he would eat dinner and work another 2-4 hours. On the weekends, we would do something in the morning on Saturday and Sunday was church. Both afternoons were spent putting in another 10-12 hours. And, now that I really add that up, I realize he was easily working over 80 hours per week. And, getting paid for 40.
You can probably imagine the exhaustion that came with working so many hours. He had very little energy to do anything. When we would go out to dinner or try to do anything, he was so tired and I could see it in his eyes.
There's a physical and mental toll that number of hours takes on a person. I think he experienced them all.
Before I go into that, let me add a little about his working conditions. They aren't good. It is a small, family owned company and they seem to thrive on high drama. The work environment, from all I've heard, is abusive and toxic. Since this is a public blog, I won't say where he works or give too many more details at this time.
Let me also add a little about my husband. He is the kindest, most sensitive man who works hard and had an old school mentality about most things. He has a very fragile self esteem and craves love. The absolutely hardest thing he's ever experienced in life was losing his mom last summer.
Now, to set the stage properly, you have a sensitive person in the midst of grieving working in a toxic environment for over 80 hours a week.
I don't know about you, but that has train wreck written all over it to me.
My once easy going husband began having panic attacks, breaking down mentally and emotionally and would choose sleep over any other activity. He was not himself.
During this time, I was craving attention and time as I was getting no other place. My needs weren't met because they couldn't be. He had nothing left to give. I was getting angry and hurt. He lashed out at me because he could. I wouldn't fire him. Living with him turned from less of a partnership to more of being a hippo walking on eggshells.
You see where this is headed. It was ugly. The straw broke. I had to get real with him and get him to see that we couldn't live like this.
Thank the Lord, his eyes were opened and there was improvement. He got some help putting things in perspective. He started to become more of the man I knew and loved again.
Don't mistake what I am saying. It's not over. It's certainly not perfect. The work environment is still toxic and we cannot wait until he gets out of there. He still works way too many hours, but it's not excessive. He's way more receptive to me pointing out when the job starts to take over our lives.
Of course another job change sets up some instability and lots of potential changes for the future. That's another story for another time.
Thursday, June 15, 2017
Nine Months Back
This weekend marks our ninth month back in KC. I would like to say that it is all great, but that simply wouldn't be true.
Ok, so I had some misguided ideas of what life would be like when we moved back. I spent two long years wanting to get back to our life here and well, life wasn't exactly the same when we returned.
That was ok. Hard, but ok. I certainly thought by the ninth month, we would be more back on course. There was a pretty good chance that it would just take time to adjust back to a life here.
It hasn't happened.
I am sure I will address some of these with their own post, but there a few things that haven't gone the way we expected. My husband's job is just short of a nightmare. We have struggled to find our place in church. Our friends don't really seem to have a place for us, for the most part. I am bored out of my mind.
My boredom is probably the second hardest part. In Ohio, I at least had a church to volunteer/work at for most of our time there. I realize now just how much I took that for granted. It truly was a sanity saver, despite how hard it was at times.
Neurotic, OCD, part-time employee with chronic insomnia isn't really on high demand here in the city. The chronic insomnia makes driving an issue for me and I still don't drive any highways or interstates.
I have tried to connect with a couple non-profits for volunteer work. However, they have been so disorganized that they haven't been able to communicate well enough to answer questions. I am only human and only have so much tolerance for months of unanswered emails or phone calls.
Since the first of November, I can tell you exactly how much social interaction I have had. Two lunch dates with one friend, 3 trips to Costco, 2 lunch dates with other friends and 1 evening in a hot tub with 2 friends. I know, don't complain. It's more than I had for over two years in Ohio.
I'm going to be very real for a second and say something that accurately reflects my heart at times. I don't live in Ohio any more! I honestly don't see people any more than I did when I lived there. Between friends who came to see us and our visits back home, I spent more time with friends and family when I lived 12 hours away.
Even though it's hard, I don't openly complain about it and am overly grateful for the times I do spend with friends.
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