Today, I had a very dear friend remind me to take the time to make note of everything going on in life.
This past few weeks have been a whirlwind. My husband has taken back to back trips, leaving me to deal with all this house stuff alone. I don't fault him, it's the job. Hence why we are moving to Ohio...less travel.
It's been hard physically. Going from morning to night non-stop on this project or that is no fun. We had lots of help. There were only a few days of about 14 that we didn't have someone here to help us. My husband's brothers and dad came this past weekend to help us push through the last. Several years of DIY home projects wrapped up in 2 weeks. Whew!!!!
We settled on a real estate agent. We got this incredibly helpful duo. No kidding. They put the for sale sign in the front yard and then spent the next hour talking through everything thing with us.
I'd like to pause from the factual part of this for a second. Not at any time during this process have I been quite as emotional as when they pushed that sign into my front lawn. That was the moment for me. The moment when the emotional part of this got real. It was the beginning of the end. We both stood in the kitchen, watching, silent. There wasn't a dry eye amongst us. A bittersweet moment that I am glad I got to share with my husband.
We did get my husband's company's official relocation package with two options for us. We did counter their offer and haven't heard back. We still know we are going, but are waiting to see if they will make any further concessions for us uprooting our lives. Still a wee bit stressful for us.
So, let me just touch on that a little bit. The offer didn't include a lot of what they promised. We were put in a position to choose the option where we were responsible for moving ourselves. My husband was absolutely not looking forward to renting a Uhaul and driving over 600 miles, only to have to do it again with the cars.
The company is allowing us a tiny bit of closing cost money. Speaking of money, yuck! That probably deserves a post of it's own someday, but buying another house was stressing us major. Neither of us had really financed anything since our deep debt debacle of 2007. We were both waking up at 3 and 4 am in cold sweats worried that we were going to have to rent because of bad credit. I was seriously having flashbacks from living in trailer houses with rats as big as dogs.
We have been worried that my husband would have to eat up his entire vacation to do stuff to the house and move us.
My husband walked around for two solid weeks reminding me that this move was going to put us in financial ruin.
Monday night, heart on my sleeve, I headed to bible study. In reality, life is getting so busy that it was probably the last or close to last night I could be with the ladies. I couldn't enjoy it. The stress weighed me down and kept me from soaking it in. They prayed for me, my husband and the house to sell. I left still feeling so defeated and depleted.
His mercies are new every morning. That's my new mantra.
Ok, so maybe not morning, but afternoon.
Tuesday, I tore down my garden because it just wasn't super appealing with the winter brown and dried weeds. I burned a vinyl glove into my right hand. I was having another bad day!
Then it all turned around. So fast, I couldn't hardly believe it. My head is still spinning. (Really, this fluctuation in weather is giving me vertigo.)
My agents have done an excellent job communicating and setting my expectations and educating me. They got the house listed on Tuesday and by Tuesday evening, we had our first appointment set for today. We ended up with four total showings for today. Once cancelled because they overlapped and one may not have shown up. We got great feedback from one and the other is interested. What that means, I don't really know yet. However, it makes my weary mind a little happier.
I've had multiple moving companies walk through and each one seemed to come in higher than the last. I've run the numbers and it just wasn't feasible for us to move ourselves with a Uhaul and then come all the way back for cars. Not to mention, I am not a good long distance driver when I am completely alone in the car. Late Tuesday afternoon, I had a quote come back from a friend of a friend who owns a moving company. With transporting one vehicle, packing, loading and unloading, he came in just $500 over our allowance for moving. We were both elated. We don't know where we are going to get the extra $500, but at least it's not double our allowance.
Another thing I could cover in an entire post by itself is a dear friend of ours. She's become like a little sister to us both. Our day to day life is going to be incredibly different being so far away from her. She has insisted from the beginning that she be a part of the moving process. She's been here through everything up to this point, we were both excited at her desire to make the long trip with us and unpack. We are beyond tapped out and we were planning to tell her this week that we just couldn't afford to fly her home. On Tuesday, we had some mutual friends offer to pay her plan ticket home. How incredibly thankful we are for that.
My agents got me hooked up with a mortgage specialist. They purposely sent us to someone who specializes in getting home loans for people with serious financial issues. Of course they did, cause we talk about our credit like we are the worst of the worst. Well much to our surprise, we have excellent credit. AND...we already got pre approval for a home loan. AND...we got approved for a lower interest rate, higher amount and lower house payment than we thought possible. No more cold sweats for us! That just made the idea of house hunting look a ton more fun too.
We can't get too excited yet. To get into a house, we may very well use every bit of savings we have. In fact, it's going to make it tight for us. With all the closing costs, down payment, excess of expenses like moving...we are so totally going to be broke for our first few months in Ohio. I don't even know how I will fill my fridge with groceries, but trust in God to provide those little things that seem so big to me.
Really, isn't that the crux of all of this? Trusting in God. Each step along the way, my doubt has morphed into trusting God's timing and plan over my own, obedience and then watching Him work.
As you can see, my days are filled with highs and lows. I've started the difficult/necessary times of going to coffee or lunch with friends for the last time (at least last time for a long while). I'm sad a lot. Then I get excited. Crap, I feel like the Missouri bipolar weather girl.
Things are so uncertain. I'm still scared. We both are. We aren't sure how all these numbers are going to work and how we will make it through. It's all big stuff for me, little stuff for God. He's already got this figured out.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Unexpected Difficulties
There is something I really hadn't planned for expected with this season we are in right now. The way my husband and I would somehow flip flop on how we cope and process or what this would do to our relationship.
This is hard to share, but truth that someday I hope to look at as a time of growth for us both.
It has been one month today that I found out we were headed for Ohio. I became immediately focused on what it would take to make that happen. I haven't fought the idea and I have stayed incredibly positive, especially in regards to my husband.
My husband, well he lived in denial for the first several weeks and tried frantically to secure other employment. Getting the house ready to sell wasn't a priority, now was thinking through what all was in front of us. I suppose there are pros and cons to this and I applaud his effort.
Please don't think I am bashing my husband. I'm not. He's just handled all of this very differently than I have. He's handled it how I would have a year or more ago. I don't fault him for it. As he so easily points out to me, he has more to lose than I do. (I would probably argue that point.)
He is the first born who feels an incredible responsibility to his family. From the time he started work in Wichita through our second year of marriage, he traveled home every single weekend without fail. He loves his family and being close to them is important to him. I love that about him.
The idea of being over 10 hours away from his family is more than his brain can comprehend and more than his heart can accept.
His family as a whole are in very difficult days, watching his mom's mental state deteriorate rapidly. She is currently locked in a state prior to marriage/children when she lived with her mother. We know that the best days are behind us and the days ahead are numbered and precious. I know it hurts his heart to even think about being so far away.
In this time; in this place, we don't know God's plan or how He is working. We just have to trust this is right for us when all the other doors close and there is only one opportunity sitting in front of us.
All of that has made for a very difficult month. While I find myself drawing closer to God and putting more trust in Him, there are times when I feel so distant from my husband. This past month has brought more fighting and tears and hurt feelings and misunderstanding and even more tears than the past five years combined.
Maybe that is one reason I am ready to go on with this process. I long for the days prior to a month ago. Days when our most heated discussion was what to have for dinner. I'll trade tears for unpacking boxes anyday.
Being completely alone and afraid and weary, I did the only thing I knew. I got down on my knees and prayed.
If you are reading this, you are probably someone who knows us well. I'd ask you to join me in praying for my husband and this process.
This is hard to share, but truth that someday I hope to look at as a time of growth for us both.
It has been one month today that I found out we were headed for Ohio. I became immediately focused on what it would take to make that happen. I haven't fought the idea and I have stayed incredibly positive, especially in regards to my husband.
My husband, well he lived in denial for the first several weeks and tried frantically to secure other employment. Getting the house ready to sell wasn't a priority, now was thinking through what all was in front of us. I suppose there are pros and cons to this and I applaud his effort.
Please don't think I am bashing my husband. I'm not. He's just handled all of this very differently than I have. He's handled it how I would have a year or more ago. I don't fault him for it. As he so easily points out to me, he has more to lose than I do. (I would probably argue that point.)
He is the first born who feels an incredible responsibility to his family. From the time he started work in Wichita through our second year of marriage, he traveled home every single weekend without fail. He loves his family and being close to them is important to him. I love that about him.
The idea of being over 10 hours away from his family is more than his brain can comprehend and more than his heart can accept.
His family as a whole are in very difficult days, watching his mom's mental state deteriorate rapidly. She is currently locked in a state prior to marriage/children when she lived with her mother. We know that the best days are behind us and the days ahead are numbered and precious. I know it hurts his heart to even think about being so far away.
In this time; in this place, we don't know God's plan or how He is working. We just have to trust this is right for us when all the other doors close and there is only one opportunity sitting in front of us.
All of that has made for a very difficult month. While I find myself drawing closer to God and putting more trust in Him, there are times when I feel so distant from my husband. This past month has brought more fighting and tears and hurt feelings and misunderstanding and even more tears than the past five years combined.
Maybe that is one reason I am ready to go on with this process. I long for the days prior to a month ago. Days when our most heated discussion was what to have for dinner. I'll trade tears for unpacking boxes anyday.
Being completely alone and afraid and weary, I did the only thing I knew. I got down on my knees and prayed.
If you are reading this, you are probably someone who knows us well. I'd ask you to join me in praying for my husband and this process.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
My Prayers
So I have found that when you have people helping pack and clean, you lose track of things you weren't quite ready to put away. Most of my journals and notebooks are somewhere in the abyss of already packed boxes in the basement. This list is for me, but also for anyone who is following our journey and would like to pray with and for us.
1. Peace and comfort for my husband. He's having a difficult time with the move. More info on tomorrow's post.
2. Physical health and stamina for both of us. Stress does strange things to me. I went to bed last night covered in hives that were gone this morning.
3. Finances. This deserves a post all of it's own. We have some circumstances that are making this move difficult. There are a variety of things that all need to fall into place quickly and perfectly or we are absolutely screwed.
4. The house. We need to have the house on the market by next Monday and then we need it to sell quickly. The faster it sells, the better off we will be in regards to #3.
5. Our relationship. It's rocky right now. I'm not talking divorce! What I am saying is that we are getting to move over 10 hours away where we will know each other. Going into that as cohesive as we can would splendid.
6. The package. For a month we have waited for the relocation package. We got it yesterday and it wasn't as good as promised. We are going to have to try to negotiate, knowing that they are fairly stuck on their offer. We are packing up our entire lives, we need just a little bit more to help us out.
I am positive there is and will be more, but those are priorities right now.
1. Peace and comfort for my husband. He's having a difficult time with the move. More info on tomorrow's post.
2. Physical health and stamina for both of us. Stress does strange things to me. I went to bed last night covered in hives that were gone this morning.
3. Finances. This deserves a post all of it's own. We have some circumstances that are making this move difficult. There are a variety of things that all need to fall into place quickly and perfectly or we are absolutely screwed.
4. The house. We need to have the house on the market by next Monday and then we need it to sell quickly. The faster it sells, the better off we will be in regards to #3.
5. Our relationship. It's rocky right now. I'm not talking divorce! What I am saying is that we are getting to move over 10 hours away where we will know each other. Going into that as cohesive as we can would splendid.
6. The package. For a month we have waited for the relocation package. We got it yesterday and it wasn't as good as promised. We are going to have to try to negotiate, knowing that they are fairly stuck on their offer. We are packing up our entire lives, we need just a little bit more to help us out.
I am positive there is and will be more, but those are priorities right now.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Packing and Painting and Painting and Packing and...
Even though I am at peace with the impending move, I am growing quite weary in the process leading to it.
By nature, I am a very organized person. So I would of course have multiple lists of things that need to be done prior to the house being market ready.
Day in and day out, I work on this place from the time I get up until about three hours past the point my body threatens a boycott. Despite my best effort and the help of some really awesome people, it feels like the lists just aren't getting completed. It's deflating to sit down each morning and only be able to check off one or two things from the day before.
Thankfully and unfortunately, I am getting to the end of what I can do. I know I should be doing the happy dance and I suppose I am. There's just so much left to do and I have a super busy husband. In fact, I had planned out every evening this week to maximize our time. However, he got two hours notice on Monday that he had to head to Maine.
That's the part which makes me tired and discouraged. What makes me weary is that I realize now that all of this work, I am doing for someone else.
I'm not deep cleaning cabinets and purging because we want to enjoy a clean house. No! I am working my tail off so that people can walk through our house and judge me on what kind of housekeeper I am. And, if I have done a good enough job then hopefully they will consider buying.
Not only that, but I have to think about what someone else would like to see. How would someone else like to see my bathroom drawers arranged? How much space would someone else like to see in my closet or on my kitchen shelves? Crap!!!!! First of all, I have very different taste. How can I possibly know what someone else is going to like or want to see? I'm not a mind reader. Second, EW!!! The idea of someone nosing through my closets or drawers just creeps me out, makes my skin crawl....until I am reminded that I'm going to be doing that to someone else. Just a creepy!
The process is kind of crazy. Like I have said, I still cannot wrap my head around it most days.
I can't tell you how loved I have felt by the number of people who have given up their precious time to help us. However, I am sad that it has been all work. Each person who walks in the door is a gift and I want to cherish it. I want to talk with them, hug them. It never quite works that way though.
Hopefully my weary, non-motivated mind and body can scratch a few more things off the list today.
By nature, I am a very organized person. So I would of course have multiple lists of things that need to be done prior to the house being market ready.
Day in and day out, I work on this place from the time I get up until about three hours past the point my body threatens a boycott. Despite my best effort and the help of some really awesome people, it feels like the lists just aren't getting completed. It's deflating to sit down each morning and only be able to check off one or two things from the day before.
Thankfully and unfortunately, I am getting to the end of what I can do. I know I should be doing the happy dance and I suppose I am. There's just so much left to do and I have a super busy husband. In fact, I had planned out every evening this week to maximize our time. However, he got two hours notice on Monday that he had to head to Maine.
That's the part which makes me tired and discouraged. What makes me weary is that I realize now that all of this work, I am doing for someone else.
I'm not deep cleaning cabinets and purging because we want to enjoy a clean house. No! I am working my tail off so that people can walk through our house and judge me on what kind of housekeeper I am. And, if I have done a good enough job then hopefully they will consider buying.
Not only that, but I have to think about what someone else would like to see. How would someone else like to see my bathroom drawers arranged? How much space would someone else like to see in my closet or on my kitchen shelves? Crap!!!!! First of all, I have very different taste. How can I possibly know what someone else is going to like or want to see? I'm not a mind reader. Second, EW!!! The idea of someone nosing through my closets or drawers just creeps me out, makes my skin crawl....until I am reminded that I'm going to be doing that to someone else. Just a creepy!
The process is kind of crazy. Like I have said, I still cannot wrap my head around it most days.
I can't tell you how loved I have felt by the number of people who have given up their precious time to help us. However, I am sad that it has been all work. Each person who walks in the door is a gift and I want to cherish it. I want to talk with them, hug them. It never quite works that way though.
Hopefully my weary, non-motivated mind and body can scratch a few more things off the list today.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Heart Pounding Peace
As I lay here, the only creature awake, I find myself floating between heart pounding fear and complete peace.
Since the hint of moving came up, I have felt as though God was in control and this was the plan. I haven't fought it or ever questioned it. While my husband spent a couple weeks in denial, I embraced the idea and began to plan.
My husband made a last minute attempt to keep us near. He was offered a job. I'm proud of him for trying. As he left for the interview, I knew in my heart that it wasn't the direction we were headed. Sadly, the company just isn't the right fit. There is something to be said for an evil you know, as opposed to the evil you don't.
We should know this week exactly when he is expected in Ohio. Our house is nearly ready to be put on the market. We have a financial plan that should put us on the right track to start over in Ohio. I have an incredible amount of peace about all of these big things.
It's all the little things that bring on the anxiety. House inspections. House selling. House hunting. Finding my spring clothes. Seeing friends. Seeing family. Health. All could be big things. All bog me down with anxiety.
Seriously, I often wonder who's life I'm living because this wasn't what I thought life would look like. I'm not complaining. It's just all so foreign.
I know as long as I'm with my husband, everything will be fine. This is just a particularly difficult season of stress and unknowns. It's a time of being thankful, but yet shedding tears over window blinds. It's a time of firsts and lasts. It's a time of terrible communication and fighting, yet growing closer together. It's a time of confidently being surrounded by love, yet preparing our hearts for sad goodbyes. It's a time of fear, yet peace.
Since the hint of moving came up, I have felt as though God was in control and this was the plan. I haven't fought it or ever questioned it. While my husband spent a couple weeks in denial, I embraced the idea and began to plan.
My husband made a last minute attempt to keep us near. He was offered a job. I'm proud of him for trying. As he left for the interview, I knew in my heart that it wasn't the direction we were headed. Sadly, the company just isn't the right fit. There is something to be said for an evil you know, as opposed to the evil you don't.
We should know this week exactly when he is expected in Ohio. Our house is nearly ready to be put on the market. We have a financial plan that should put us on the right track to start over in Ohio. I have an incredible amount of peace about all of these big things.
It's all the little things that bring on the anxiety. House inspections. House selling. House hunting. Finding my spring clothes. Seeing friends. Seeing family. Health. All could be big things. All bog me down with anxiety.
Seriously, I often wonder who's life I'm living because this wasn't what I thought life would look like. I'm not complaining. It's just all so foreign.
I know as long as I'm with my husband, everything will be fine. This is just a particularly difficult season of stress and unknowns. It's a time of being thankful, but yet shedding tears over window blinds. It's a time of firsts and lasts. It's a time of terrible communication and fighting, yet growing closer together. It's a time of confidently being surrounded by love, yet preparing our hearts for sad goodbyes. It's a time of fear, yet peace.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
I'm not a leaver...
We still do not have a specific timeline on this move. Some days that seems to be the crux of my anxiety and others I'm thankful that we are still tucked away here at home.
Regardless, it is onward we go.
There are so many things we need to have done before we get an appraisal and agent. Those lists are made and started. Two nights ago, my husband asked me why I was rushing to get the house taken care of when we didn't have a specific timeline.
Well, my loving, but-oh-so-content to keep floating on the river of denial husband, it is the right thing to do. The work has to be done, so why wait?
Besides my overly OCD, I will not procrastinate, let's get this show on the road ways, I have never been the leaver. I have been the one who gets left.
We have lived in the same place for over 15 years. Whether it was neighbors or friends, we have been the ones to stay. In 15 years, we've been left a lot. Whether the friend left for a new job or moved far away, we have been through the sending them off thing over and over.
It is fair to say that I have been through it enough to learn a few things. I've seen it first hand or I have the benefit of hearing the friend's reflection after they had gone.
There is a lot of stuff to do to the house. It's the most miserable part of this process. Doing hard work that we hadn't planned for and would have eventually done as time allowed. It's messy and not fun, but it has to be done.
I want to get this part done and out of the way. Once it's done, we don't have to stress over the timeline. Once the house is ready to go on the market, then it won't matter if we have only 1 month or 6 months before we move. In reality, his company could tell us tomorrow that we have 30 days to get to Ohio. We don't want to get into that super stressful situation of him having to commute and leaving me with all this stuff on my shoulders.
That's absolutely the number 1 reason to do it now. Selfishly, I have another reason that doing it now is important to me. I want us to be able to enjoy the time we have left here.
As I said to my husband just last night, we cannot enjoy any of the time we have left if we are stuck at home every single weekend working on the house.
There is so much we want and need to do. We need to spend as much time as possible with my husband's parents. His mom is declining so fast that each time we see her, we know it's as good as it gets. We need to spend time with them while she's at least functional, even if she doesn't know who we are.
There are places here that we would love to go. We love Presidential libraries/museums. There are several within driving distance that we haven't seen. I love aquariums and I have yet to visit the new one here in town. I have no clue if we will get to do any of those things or not. It's not the end of the world if we don't.
As of right now, I am supposed to get my niece and nephew over their spring break in a few weeks. I want to enjoy every minute with them, knowing our time is so limited as it is living only two hours away.
We want to see all Kent's siblings and nieces and nephews as much as we can.
We both have friends we want to see and spend time with before we leave.
My friends are my family. I have some that are like immediate family and some that are more distant relatives that I only see a couple times a year and even a few that I only see every couple years. But, I love them all. I want to spend as much time in their presence as possible. I want to soak in their love and acceptance so that I can find the confidence and strength to start over.
We still want to find ways to serve our church and church family until we move. We love our church. We want to remain involved and focused on where God has us and will use us.
I don't want to look back at this time after it's passed us by and regret the time we had. I don't want to procrastinate with the big things so long that they become our only focus. I don't want to look back and wish I had seen this person or done that thing.
It is so funny that this year I am already thinking about my birthday. Ick! I never think about my birthday this far in advance. Oddly enough, I usually hate it and it's this terrible thing. Not this year. I want a party. So not the way I normally am. It's not a significant birthday this year. I will be 39 years old. But the people I love and want to celebrate my milestone birthday with next year won't be with me. So I want a party, a Yay! I'm almost 40 birthday party. It isn't so much that I want it to celebrate me as I don't really feel I'm worthy of being celebrated. It's that I want one last time with all my friends, celebrating something fun.
So much to do. I'm just not a leaver. It's a new way of thinking about things. I want to use what I have learned. I want to embrace this season. I want to make the most of this season. I don't want regrets. I want to head into the unknown with more smiles and wonderful memories than tears and stress.
Regardless, it is onward we go.
There are so many things we need to have done before we get an appraisal and agent. Those lists are made and started. Two nights ago, my husband asked me why I was rushing to get the house taken care of when we didn't have a specific timeline.
Well, my loving, but-oh-so-content to keep floating on the river of denial husband, it is the right thing to do. The work has to be done, so why wait?
Besides my overly OCD, I will not procrastinate, let's get this show on the road ways, I have never been the leaver. I have been the one who gets left.
We have lived in the same place for over 15 years. Whether it was neighbors or friends, we have been the ones to stay. In 15 years, we've been left a lot. Whether the friend left for a new job or moved far away, we have been through the sending them off thing over and over.
It is fair to say that I have been through it enough to learn a few things. I've seen it first hand or I have the benefit of hearing the friend's reflection after they had gone.
There is a lot of stuff to do to the house. It's the most miserable part of this process. Doing hard work that we hadn't planned for and would have eventually done as time allowed. It's messy and not fun, but it has to be done.
I want to get this part done and out of the way. Once it's done, we don't have to stress over the timeline. Once the house is ready to go on the market, then it won't matter if we have only 1 month or 6 months before we move. In reality, his company could tell us tomorrow that we have 30 days to get to Ohio. We don't want to get into that super stressful situation of him having to commute and leaving me with all this stuff on my shoulders.
That's absolutely the number 1 reason to do it now. Selfishly, I have another reason that doing it now is important to me. I want us to be able to enjoy the time we have left here.
As I said to my husband just last night, we cannot enjoy any of the time we have left if we are stuck at home every single weekend working on the house.
There is so much we want and need to do. We need to spend as much time as possible with my husband's parents. His mom is declining so fast that each time we see her, we know it's as good as it gets. We need to spend time with them while she's at least functional, even if she doesn't know who we are.
There are places here that we would love to go. We love Presidential libraries/museums. There are several within driving distance that we haven't seen. I love aquariums and I have yet to visit the new one here in town. I have no clue if we will get to do any of those things or not. It's not the end of the world if we don't.
As of right now, I am supposed to get my niece and nephew over their spring break in a few weeks. I want to enjoy every minute with them, knowing our time is so limited as it is living only two hours away.
We want to see all Kent's siblings and nieces and nephews as much as we can.
We both have friends we want to see and spend time with before we leave.
My friends are my family. I have some that are like immediate family and some that are more distant relatives that I only see a couple times a year and even a few that I only see every couple years. But, I love them all. I want to spend as much time in their presence as possible. I want to soak in their love and acceptance so that I can find the confidence and strength to start over.
We still want to find ways to serve our church and church family until we move. We love our church. We want to remain involved and focused on where God has us and will use us.
I don't want to look back at this time after it's passed us by and regret the time we had. I don't want to procrastinate with the big things so long that they become our only focus. I don't want to look back and wish I had seen this person or done that thing.
It is so funny that this year I am already thinking about my birthday. Ick! I never think about my birthday this far in advance. Oddly enough, I usually hate it and it's this terrible thing. Not this year. I want a party. So not the way I normally am. It's not a significant birthday this year. I will be 39 years old. But the people I love and want to celebrate my milestone birthday with next year won't be with me. So I want a party, a Yay! I'm almost 40 birthday party. It isn't so much that I want it to celebrate me as I don't really feel I'm worthy of being celebrated. It's that I want one last time with all my friends, celebrating something fun.
So much to do. I'm just not a leaver. It's a new way of thinking about things. I want to use what I have learned. I want to embrace this season. I want to make the most of this season. I don't want regrets. I want to head into the unknown with more smiles and wonderful memories than tears and stress.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Wildfire
Evidently if you want to see how fast gossip is spread, you tell your closest friends that you are moving. Not that I am angry, just disappointed. I also don't necessarily blame those we told as much as the people they told.
Facing a move across several states is stressful enough. It's also not something we had planned to share outside our immediate social circle until we had a finalized timeline. Until this past weekend, we had told a few close friends and two family members.
It was expected that those people would share with their families as appropriate. No big deal. Then I found out that it was being discussed at my previous church with a large group. Then one by one, I was getting emails and facebook posts and text messages from friends who were a bit upset that they had heard it from the rumor mill.
Ugh!
I am a pretty smart cookie, sometimes. It was fairly easy to trace back the sources. For the most part, it was innocently shared by some of our closest friends and then it spread like wildfire. I'm disappointed in those people.
I know nothing was done out of malice, it's a relatively simple topic. It was just extra stress to have tell more friends and family before we were ready.
I will say though that the response has been overwhelmingly positive and encouraging. Those who were sad to hear it are also those people who we will be sad to leave.
Some of the responses caused me to chuckle. Don't get me wrong, they were encouraging and they were from people who have been through the same thing. It is just comical to me that sometimes people on the other side of a trial forget what it was like to be in the midst and the things that weren't helpful. They often forget all the crappy part and spew those things they learned on the other side. That's never helpful.
There have been some great things shared that are helpful. Keep in mind, neither of us have ever sold a house. I have never purchased a house. We have never moved as a couple anywhere together! Some of the information is great. Remember to change your address with the city and county offices you live in. Plan for personal property taxes to be paid as usual, even after you move. Make sure ask if there are HOA dues for the house you will potentially buy. That stuff....incredibly helpful.
My goodness, that list of things to do isn't getting any shorter with me sitting here!
Facing a move across several states is stressful enough. It's also not something we had planned to share outside our immediate social circle until we had a finalized timeline. Until this past weekend, we had told a few close friends and two family members.
It was expected that those people would share with their families as appropriate. No big deal. Then I found out that it was being discussed at my previous church with a large group. Then one by one, I was getting emails and facebook posts and text messages from friends who were a bit upset that they had heard it from the rumor mill.
Ugh!
I am a pretty smart cookie, sometimes. It was fairly easy to trace back the sources. For the most part, it was innocently shared by some of our closest friends and then it spread like wildfire. I'm disappointed in those people.
I know nothing was done out of malice, it's a relatively simple topic. It was just extra stress to have tell more friends and family before we were ready.
I will say though that the response has been overwhelmingly positive and encouraging. Those who were sad to hear it are also those people who we will be sad to leave.
Some of the responses caused me to chuckle. Don't get me wrong, they were encouraging and they were from people who have been through the same thing. It is just comical to me that sometimes people on the other side of a trial forget what it was like to be in the midst and the things that weren't helpful. They often forget all the crappy part and spew those things they learned on the other side. That's never helpful.
There have been some great things shared that are helpful. Keep in mind, neither of us have ever sold a house. I have never purchased a house. We have never moved as a couple anywhere together! Some of the information is great. Remember to change your address with the city and county offices you live in. Plan for personal property taxes to be paid as usual, even after you move. Make sure ask if there are HOA dues for the house you will potentially buy. That stuff....incredibly helpful.
My goodness, that list of things to do isn't getting any shorter with me sitting here!
Sunday, February 16, 2014
House Overwhelm
I think I may lose my mind through this whole process of moving and we’ve barely started. We are still waiting for the relocation package to be finalized and to us in writing.
My husband would be happy with that being months down the road, me not so much. The longer it takes to get to the moving part of this relocation, the more time I have to spend apart from my husband while he commutes to Ohio and back at his company’s beckon call.
It is so easy to look at houses for sale and daydream about the other side of this process. I have found a couple houses that would be absolutely perfect for us. That is the fun part, the one and only fun part of this.
Yesterday, we walked through the house room by room and made lists of everything that needs to be done. This is stuff that has to be done before we can have an appraiser or real estate agent walk through our house.
Keeping in mind, each room has a page and it is larger print, I still have 12 pages. 12!!!!!!!!! I don’t even know where to start. This is where I am starting today. Putting my frustration into words, while I cry my sad and angry tears over a cup of vanilla chai. I seriously don’t know what else to do at the moment.
I am definitely having a “my bath tub is going to fall through the floor” moment here.
We have done a decent job since our crisis last year with the bathroom. Once we got the bathroom fixed/remodeled, we slowly did things around the house as our budget allowed. We live on a very tight budget, not much to spare.
Mid last year, my husband lost one of his extra jobs. Since then, we don’t travel and have nothing planned. We have literally sunk our extra money into slowly fixing what was left to do to the house. Our plan, save, fix, save, fix, save, fix….
This relocation thing puts all our plans aside and puts us into semi-hyper speed in doing things we hadn’t planned or budgeted for at all.
I’m just being incredibly real here….
I’ve made some stupid mistakes. I got us in a financial bind. This relocation is going to provide us some relief that we have worked on for a very long time. Unfortunately, the relief will come on the other side of it and we will still be on the painfully tight budget until then.
It all seems too big for me. I know truths that apply to even something as trivial as this. God will supply everything we need to do everything He has called us to do. There is nothing impossible. God will make a way. But, I know I need God to help my unbelieving heart. The weight of it all feels big enough to crush me.
My husband would be happy with that being months down the road, me not so much. The longer it takes to get to the moving part of this relocation, the more time I have to spend apart from my husband while he commutes to Ohio and back at his company’s beckon call.
It is so easy to look at houses for sale and daydream about the other side of this process. I have found a couple houses that would be absolutely perfect for us. That is the fun part, the one and only fun part of this.
Yesterday, we walked through the house room by room and made lists of everything that needs to be done. This is stuff that has to be done before we can have an appraiser or real estate agent walk through our house.
Keeping in mind, each room has a page and it is larger print, I still have 12 pages. 12!!!!!!!!! I don’t even know where to start. This is where I am starting today. Putting my frustration into words, while I cry my sad and angry tears over a cup of vanilla chai. I seriously don’t know what else to do at the moment.
I am definitely having a “my bath tub is going to fall through the floor” moment here.
We have done a decent job since our crisis last year with the bathroom. Once we got the bathroom fixed/remodeled, we slowly did things around the house as our budget allowed. We live on a very tight budget, not much to spare.
Mid last year, my husband lost one of his extra jobs. Since then, we don’t travel and have nothing planned. We have literally sunk our extra money into slowly fixing what was left to do to the house. Our plan, save, fix, save, fix, save, fix….
This relocation thing puts all our plans aside and puts us into semi-hyper speed in doing things we hadn’t planned or budgeted for at all.
I’m just being incredibly real here….
I’ve made some stupid mistakes. I got us in a financial bind. This relocation is going to provide us some relief that we have worked on for a very long time. Unfortunately, the relief will come on the other side of it and we will still be on the painfully tight budget until then.
It all seems too big for me. I know truths that apply to even something as trivial as this. God will supply everything we need to do everything He has called us to do. There is nothing impossible. God will make a way. But, I know I need God to help my unbelieving heart. The weight of it all feels big enough to crush me.
Friday, February 7, 2014
New Adventure
I have a ton of things that I need to be doing. Cleaning, cooking, mopping, crafting. Ok, so some things I'd rather be doing and some I need to do. But I have to capture this moment. I need to remind myself that emotions will not kill me and it is ok.
Where do I start? I am overwhelmed with truth, stuff and what lies ahead.
A week ago, we got word that there was a huge push for my husband to move to Ohio for work. A little less optional than it had been in the past, but still not anything definitive. Yesterday, we found out that this was no longer optional. His current position is being eliminated and the only option is to move to Ohio. Still not having anything in writing, cause that's the point we know it's for real, we have lived in a bit of denial/emotional distance. Today it got super real! He met with HR and has details.
Laid out before us now are the details of how life is going to go, according to my husband's company. They are setting us up with relators in both places. My husband has to go find us temporary housing. There is a company who will be coming in our house over the next couple months and packing everything we own and moving it to another part of the country.
I'm not joking when I say that this is so overwhelming that I feel dizzy. In the words of a very dear friend, this just got real y'all.
Surprisingly, I have been the strong one over the past week. I've been the one pointing my husband to God. God is over it all. We will go where He directs and make clear for us. My husband has been the one devastated and emotional.
This will be the furthest he has ever been from his family. My husband needs to feel connected and loved. Despite my best efforts, I know I am not enough for him. To leave all he has known his entire life and the area he has lived in for nearly 20 years is gut wrenching for him.
Not until just now has the emotional side of this hit me. I've been so matter of fact and certain that God will take care of me here or there, that I haven't let myself think about the emotional side of it.
All my friends are here. I have some of the best friends ever! One of them I've known for 15 years, some of them less. It's taken a long time for me to get close to them and likewise for some of them. I've lived life with them. We've loved each other through good, bad, easy and hard. They are all here.
I have, at best, a strained relationship with my brother and his family. But, it is all I have in my family. It's fragile and slowly being rebuilt. In reality, it will be good for me to have a longer distance between the rest of my estranged family.
We finally found a church that we love! We have only been there since September, but feel at home. We feel like a part of family there. It's something we both have longed for and desparately needed. Neither one of us are ready to leave it.
Believe me, I know everything I have been saying to my husband for the past week is true. What is too big for us is never too big for God. There is certainly a reason for this. God has far bigger planned for us than we can even imagine.
There are so many details though. Outside of the big things, like the house, the small details seem so huge.
We are creatures of habit. We've had the same eye doctors/doctors/chiropractor/vet for 15 years. I've had the same counselor for 7 years. We've been with the same cell/phone/internet/television provider or some version of it for 15 years. I buy groceries at a combo of HyVee and Trader Joes. All those things will have to change. Some seem so trivial, but they all must change.
I know where everything is here. I have a routine. I know who to call depending on the problem I am having. I know the list of people to contact when I have great news.
I know the season changes and what to expect. I know what channel has the most accurate weather forcast and where the best alerts are for bad weather. I know what day the trash truck comes. I know where the closest and cheapest gas is located. I don't have to travel out of town for anything.
The area we are moving to doesn't have anything comparable. I've never been there. I don't know anything. I know nobody.
Realistically, we will have to drive an hour to get to anything. I know I will be ok, but what a change we are facing.
It's so hard for me to take it all in right now.
A few months ago, I had an anxiety filled breakdown. Why? There was nothing wrong. That was the problem. Things were about as good as they had ever been. I was anxious because I was waiting for the world to fall apart. I was anxious because my natural bent is to not live a life where things stay stable for long. Well, this isn't the end of the world, but this definitely rocks that stability quite a bit.
I know I will be ok, but I don't know how. I must keep reminding myself to hang on tight cause this new adventure is happening regardless of what I want or think.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Tummy Trouble
A couple weeks ago, I had my physical. The first in probably 7 years with blood work and all.
I was scared. Why wouldn't I be?
In addition, I had an ultrasound of my abdomen.
My ultrasound showed no stones and no enlargement of the organs. Yay! Sort of. I started a new med for my stomach. It is working for the most part. I don't have the pain that I did. If I miss a pill, I most certainly do have it. So, I know there is something wrong. It could be something as simple as an inflammation of my digestive system that will take time to heal. Needless to say, I am still going through some meds and med changes with a hope of avoiding further and more invasive testing.
The really good news is that the results of my blood were all good or decent. For someone who is overweight, I can't complain about the direction I am going. My weight was down 31 lbs and my blood pressure was way down. My cholesterols could both improve a little. All other tests were within normal range and show no signs of infection or problems with any major organs.
All in all, I am happy with the results but will have to continue to stay on top of the stomach problems.
I was scared. Why wouldn't I be?
In addition, I had an ultrasound of my abdomen.
My ultrasound showed no stones and no enlargement of the organs. Yay! Sort of. I started a new med for my stomach. It is working for the most part. I don't have the pain that I did. If I miss a pill, I most certainly do have it. So, I know there is something wrong. It could be something as simple as an inflammation of my digestive system that will take time to heal. Needless to say, I am still going through some meds and med changes with a hope of avoiding further and more invasive testing.
The really good news is that the results of my blood were all good or decent. For someone who is overweight, I can't complain about the direction I am going. My weight was down 31 lbs and my blood pressure was way down. My cholesterols could both improve a little. All other tests were within normal range and show no signs of infection or problems with any major organs.
All in all, I am happy with the results but will have to continue to stay on top of the stomach problems.
Friday, January 31, 2014
I Think I Can
Since I have some spare time, trapped in a town with absolutely nothing to do during freezing rain, I suppose I can blog. Actually, I must. I must put on a smile and act like I am happy to be here, therefore I must put my feelings and thoughts somewhere. Come to think of it, is it possible that frustration and anger can make your head spin? No? Maybe?
We are staying for a few days at my in laws. A funeral brought us back here, but it was my genius that thought it would be wonderful to stay a few days.
The verse "in all things give thanks" has constantly popped into my mind. Ya know, it's one of those days when it's met with the voice in my head that goes, "yea yea yea, whatever."
I am thankful for the time I am getting to spend with the cutest 3 year old neice. She has finally warmed up to me and we had a great time jumping on the bed looking at animal books already today.
The funeral was quick but pretty strange. It was an LDS funeral. Most of the people speaking didn't know my husband's aunt...weird! I'm just going to put this out there, the LDS church has some cockamamee ideas about life, works, death and resurrection. That's probably something for another post. Holy crap! So glad that I am not tied up in the craziness of that religion.
Do you know what it's like to be in a house full of people who don't like you or at best tolerate you? Ugh! No joke people. I worked Wednesday night and Thursday morning to pack and cook everything I needed for at least two meals. Loved doing it. But when your husband's neice dumps out her massive plate of dessert claiming that chereos would have been better than that nasty stuff, my joy was quickly replaced by self control as my hand wanted to slap her.
Speaking of said neice....She's pregnant. We aren't supposed to know since she isn't that far along. However, we did already. So she had the nerve to complain about her chest getting bigger and no longer being able to buy bras from VS. She's bustier than me and absolutely wears my size of clothes. Again, self control had to win out because I was about to tell her that she outgrew VS years ago!
My mother in law, oh my dear mother in law. She stretches my patience to an nth of what I have left. She doesn't know who I am, nor anybody else. She's reduced to the equivelant of a child and often acts so. It's so hard to keep that in mind when you are constantly asked if you want ice cream or if she can go to the bathroom. Ugh!!!!
Then there is my father in law. His growing frustration with his wife is making him every bit as difficult to be around. Seriously, I wonder sometimes when he will snap. He is grouchy and argumentative. Good Lord help me when my husband starts to act like him. He thinks he knows everything and everybody else is stupid. I understand why my husband struggles with self esteem.
Let's stop at my husband for a minute. I've stopped to pray for this man several times already today. He had a wisdom tooth pulled yesterday and is still in pain. Last night, he caught the snow blower on fire in the garage. Nobody was hurt and it got put out quickly. He tripped on the dog getting out of bed this morning, causing him to fall, scratch his hand and totally jack up his neck and back. While getting the car so that we didn't have to walk on the slick sidewalks, he wiped out and banged up his knee. Poor guy can't catch a break.
Again, probably more to come on this later, but my husband's boss isn't high on my list either. We've just now been here for 24 hours and he has called at least twice. The subject, us moving to Ohio. He dropped the bomb last night and called before 8 am today to see if we had made a decision. Hello? I wanted to crawl through the phone and tell him to piss off. Twelve hours isn't long enough to make such a huge decision.
My stomach issues still haven't gone away, a follow up to come on that too. So as I was dealing with some stomach problems this morning, my little dog got protective and "bit" our neice. That led to a screaming/bawling fit of epic porportions. My tiny dog has a terrible underbite and can't hardly eat her own food. She also doesn't jump up as high as the little girl's chin, which is where the mark was. After beating myself up over the dog and wondering if I was going to have to get rid of her, I find out that she had been on the floor and the dog had only scratched her. Whew!
I am usually all for a good snow storm. Well around here they don't clean the roads. We had planned to leave on Saturday, but may very well be stuck until Sunday. So fun!
So right now, I am giving thanks for the promise that we will eventually get to go home and that eventually, I'll be able to look at this weekend and laugh. In all things, give thanks. I think I can, I think I can. I THINK I CAN!
We are staying for a few days at my in laws. A funeral brought us back here, but it was my genius that thought it would be wonderful to stay a few days.
The verse "in all things give thanks" has constantly popped into my mind. Ya know, it's one of those days when it's met with the voice in my head that goes, "yea yea yea, whatever."
I am thankful for the time I am getting to spend with the cutest 3 year old neice. She has finally warmed up to me and we had a great time jumping on the bed looking at animal books already today.
The funeral was quick but pretty strange. It was an LDS funeral. Most of the people speaking didn't know my husband's aunt...weird! I'm just going to put this out there, the LDS church has some cockamamee ideas about life, works, death and resurrection. That's probably something for another post. Holy crap! So glad that I am not tied up in the craziness of that religion.
Do you know what it's like to be in a house full of people who don't like you or at best tolerate you? Ugh! No joke people. I worked Wednesday night and Thursday morning to pack and cook everything I needed for at least two meals. Loved doing it. But when your husband's neice dumps out her massive plate of dessert claiming that chereos would have been better than that nasty stuff, my joy was quickly replaced by self control as my hand wanted to slap her.
Speaking of said neice....She's pregnant. We aren't supposed to know since she isn't that far along. However, we did already. So she had the nerve to complain about her chest getting bigger and no longer being able to buy bras from VS. She's bustier than me and absolutely wears my size of clothes. Again, self control had to win out because I was about to tell her that she outgrew VS years ago!
My mother in law, oh my dear mother in law. She stretches my patience to an nth of what I have left. She doesn't know who I am, nor anybody else. She's reduced to the equivelant of a child and often acts so. It's so hard to keep that in mind when you are constantly asked if you want ice cream or if she can go to the bathroom. Ugh!!!!
Then there is my father in law. His growing frustration with his wife is making him every bit as difficult to be around. Seriously, I wonder sometimes when he will snap. He is grouchy and argumentative. Good Lord help me when my husband starts to act like him. He thinks he knows everything and everybody else is stupid. I understand why my husband struggles with self esteem.
Let's stop at my husband for a minute. I've stopped to pray for this man several times already today. He had a wisdom tooth pulled yesterday and is still in pain. Last night, he caught the snow blower on fire in the garage. Nobody was hurt and it got put out quickly. He tripped on the dog getting out of bed this morning, causing him to fall, scratch his hand and totally jack up his neck and back. While getting the car so that we didn't have to walk on the slick sidewalks, he wiped out and banged up his knee. Poor guy can't catch a break.
Again, probably more to come on this later, but my husband's boss isn't high on my list either. We've just now been here for 24 hours and he has called at least twice. The subject, us moving to Ohio. He dropped the bomb last night and called before 8 am today to see if we had made a decision. Hello? I wanted to crawl through the phone and tell him to piss off. Twelve hours isn't long enough to make such a huge decision.
My stomach issues still haven't gone away, a follow up to come on that too. So as I was dealing with some stomach problems this morning, my little dog got protective and "bit" our neice. That led to a screaming/bawling fit of epic porportions. My tiny dog has a terrible underbite and can't hardly eat her own food. She also doesn't jump up as high as the little girl's chin, which is where the mark was. After beating myself up over the dog and wondering if I was going to have to get rid of her, I find out that she had been on the floor and the dog had only scratched her. Whew!
I am usually all for a good snow storm. Well around here they don't clean the roads. We had planned to leave on Saturday, but may very well be stuck until Sunday. So fun!
So right now, I am giving thanks for the promise that we will eventually get to go home and that eventually, I'll be able to look at this weekend and laugh. In all things, give thanks. I think I can, I think I can. I THINK I CAN!
Monday, January 20, 2014
The Wait
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the outcome, that I forget the process. That is so true for so much of life.
I hadn't planned to document this until after I have a positive diagnosis and direction, but I don't want to forget the process.
Back in late summer, I noticed that my lactose intolerance had started to get worse. No big deal. That is all part of getting older. I don't even know that it started to bother me so much as I let my diet get a little loose and was indulging in things I normally didn't.
Over the past few months, I went from normal lactose intolerance to flat out rejection. My body absolutely despised all milk products. More recently, fattier foods and oils have given me much of the same reaction.
I would have sharp abdominal cramps after eating, bloating and pain that radiated across my body or to my back. The past few weeks, the pain never really leaves and is usually either mild or severe with no in between.
Last week, I finally went to the doctor.
I am fearful of doctor appointments and procedures. Understandably so. Every time the past few years I have prayed alongside a friend for a positive outcome, they have been diagnosed with cancer. My grandma was diagnosed with cancer one week and died the next. I have a reasonable fear mixed with my own propensity to have irrational fear.
So often, I can self diagnose my simple things with WebMD or some other spawn of satan website. I say that because I am convinced that the devil himself was over the creation of all websites and doctor shows where the fear of death is given to you over everything from hangnails to bad breath.
After self-diagnosing myself with every sort of cancer possible and infection known to man, a couple people close to me suggested I go to a real professional.
I had a physical with bloodwork on Friday. My blood pressure was down. My weight was down 31 lbs. No fever. No real concerns except this pain. Upon physical examination, the doctor found nothing alarming. Next step, ultrasound and wait for bloodwork results.
This morning, I had my ultrasound. My goodness. I definitely hurt worse after having my abdomen pushed and prodded. I think the tech took approximately 917 pictures of my innards. And, I am pretty sure that she had me hold my breath for 3/4 of them. Those numbers might be slightly exaggerated, since I am fairly certain I had a lack of oxygen to my brain and my lips were turning blue.
Seriously though, I am thankful for a dear friend who took me. It was so comforting to have someone there and offer a distraction at times I would have been anxious. Of course my husband's company makes him travel on one of the weeks I need him for moral support.
I do have have enough medical background to know that the tech did focus and mark one particular area. She marked an area that would be in the pancreas, gallbladder and liver area. The thing that is most logical is gallstones or diseased gallbladder. In fact, I have asked for everyone to pray for that specifically as I know the route of treatment.
The truth is that it could be any number of things. I am scared out of my mind and left here alone this week to mull it all over.
I should get the results with 2-3 days. I am thankful to not hear from the doctor today. I am hoping and praying that means it is nothing urgent. I am also slightly comforted by the fact that the tech was very focused on an area and did not venture off that area.
There are some things that have gone through my head today and even sometimes out of my mouth.
I don't know how people go through these scary medical ordeals without knowing God. I've done it and can't remember. Maybe because I thought I was invincible back then. Without understanding God is in control, I'm sure I would have lost my mind. I also believe I have been comforted and calmed since last week by those who have been praying for and with me. How do people do it without that?
Yesterday's sermon was on the sanctity of life, but I found something the pastor said to be pertinent to how I was feeling. Psalm 139:16 says Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. There is not one day of my life that is not already accounted for by God. The day I was born and the day I die is all known to him. I found comfort in knowing that regardless of what the test results are, the number of my days are not up to me. I will die the day God has chosen and there is nothing I can do to change that.
Another thing that happened yesterday is that I felt myself, for the first time ever, being led to serve at a crisis pregnancy center. I have more to say about this. Since I have struggled with my views on abortion, it is quite a change in me. A change that can be attributed to nobody but the Holy Spirit. Again, I was comforted by the idea that there was a future. Since I can catastrophize things and go to worse case scenario, I hadn't planned anything past this week. Now why would God place a desire in my heart that is so outside of my normal thoughts if there were no tomorrow? In the strangest of ways, I found comfort.
Right now, I don't know what's next. I don't know what is causing the pain in me. I don't know what the next post about this will contain. I can tell you right now, I am scared. Until I hear from the doctor, I think I will be perched on this edge of life. I hate the wait and yet I don't want to know. I know I don't want to be in pain, but the worst case scenarios scare me.
To be continued...
I hadn't planned to document this until after I have a positive diagnosis and direction, but I don't want to forget the process.
Back in late summer, I noticed that my lactose intolerance had started to get worse. No big deal. That is all part of getting older. I don't even know that it started to bother me so much as I let my diet get a little loose and was indulging in things I normally didn't.
Over the past few months, I went from normal lactose intolerance to flat out rejection. My body absolutely despised all milk products. More recently, fattier foods and oils have given me much of the same reaction.
I would have sharp abdominal cramps after eating, bloating and pain that radiated across my body or to my back. The past few weeks, the pain never really leaves and is usually either mild or severe with no in between.
Last week, I finally went to the doctor.
I am fearful of doctor appointments and procedures. Understandably so. Every time the past few years I have prayed alongside a friend for a positive outcome, they have been diagnosed with cancer. My grandma was diagnosed with cancer one week and died the next. I have a reasonable fear mixed with my own propensity to have irrational fear.
So often, I can self diagnose my simple things with WebMD or some other spawn of satan website. I say that because I am convinced that the devil himself was over the creation of all websites and doctor shows where the fear of death is given to you over everything from hangnails to bad breath.
After self-diagnosing myself with every sort of cancer possible and infection known to man, a couple people close to me suggested I go to a real professional.
I had a physical with bloodwork on Friday. My blood pressure was down. My weight was down 31 lbs. No fever. No real concerns except this pain. Upon physical examination, the doctor found nothing alarming. Next step, ultrasound and wait for bloodwork results.
This morning, I had my ultrasound. My goodness. I definitely hurt worse after having my abdomen pushed and prodded. I think the tech took approximately 917 pictures of my innards. And, I am pretty sure that she had me hold my breath for 3/4 of them. Those numbers might be slightly exaggerated, since I am fairly certain I had a lack of oxygen to my brain and my lips were turning blue.
Seriously though, I am thankful for a dear friend who took me. It was so comforting to have someone there and offer a distraction at times I would have been anxious. Of course my husband's company makes him travel on one of the weeks I need him for moral support.
I do have have enough medical background to know that the tech did focus and mark one particular area. She marked an area that would be in the pancreas, gallbladder and liver area. The thing that is most logical is gallstones or diseased gallbladder. In fact, I have asked for everyone to pray for that specifically as I know the route of treatment.
The truth is that it could be any number of things. I am scared out of my mind and left here alone this week to mull it all over.
I should get the results with 2-3 days. I am thankful to not hear from the doctor today. I am hoping and praying that means it is nothing urgent. I am also slightly comforted by the fact that the tech was very focused on an area and did not venture off that area.
There are some things that have gone through my head today and even sometimes out of my mouth.
I don't know how people go through these scary medical ordeals without knowing God. I've done it and can't remember. Maybe because I thought I was invincible back then. Without understanding God is in control, I'm sure I would have lost my mind. I also believe I have been comforted and calmed since last week by those who have been praying for and with me. How do people do it without that?
Yesterday's sermon was on the sanctity of life, but I found something the pastor said to be pertinent to how I was feeling. Psalm 139:16 says Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. There is not one day of my life that is not already accounted for by God. The day I was born and the day I die is all known to him. I found comfort in knowing that regardless of what the test results are, the number of my days are not up to me. I will die the day God has chosen and there is nothing I can do to change that.
Another thing that happened yesterday is that I felt myself, for the first time ever, being led to serve at a crisis pregnancy center. I have more to say about this. Since I have struggled with my views on abortion, it is quite a change in me. A change that can be attributed to nobody but the Holy Spirit. Again, I was comforted by the idea that there was a future. Since I can catastrophize things and go to worse case scenario, I hadn't planned anything past this week. Now why would God place a desire in my heart that is so outside of my normal thoughts if there were no tomorrow? In the strangest of ways, I found comfort.
Right now, I don't know what's next. I don't know what is causing the pain in me. I don't know what the next post about this will contain. I can tell you right now, I am scared. Until I hear from the doctor, I think I will be perched on this edge of life. I hate the wait and yet I don't want to know. I know I don't want to be in pain, but the worst case scenarios scare me.
To be continued...
Thursday, January 16, 2014
New Bible Study
Since October, I have been attending a women's bible study at church. Going the first time was a difficult and unusual thing for me. I don't like to go to new places alone and I my past experiences with an evening bible study weren't the greatest. However, I knew if we were going to find a new church home, we would need to check out all the churches had to offer.
The teaching in my previous bible studies was definitely fine and well thought out. I'll spare you the details of why I finally stopped going, but I can tell you that over the course of several years I struggled with the environment. I struggled with the social aspect and feeling as though I was welcome.
Fast-forward to walking into this new bible study....
I had no clue what they were studying, how long they had been studying together and frankly knew nothing about any of these women. In fact, I only knew about it because one of the ladies had met me the day before at church and invited me. A complete stranger!
So as I walked in, one lady after another introduced themselves and made sure I was comfortable. It was overwhelming, but in a good way. There was no pressure to talk or share or step outside my comfort zone of first night jitters.
Within the first of the two hours, I learned a lot about this group of women. There were real with one another. When one struggled to believe or understand the concept being discussed, she said so. Nobody judged. In fact, the ladies all embraced the honesty.
During the prayer time, their were both requests for prayer and praises. The ladies shared tears of the good, the bad and the unknown.
Everyone participated. It wasn't just one lady teaching or leading with maybe an occasional comment from the crowd. Each lady added to the discussion. Younger, older, everyone had something to add.
The thing I saw the most of and what drew me back was the genuine love they shared and poured out for each other. Let's face it, women, even Christian women, can be caddy and discouraging in their own ways either verbally or through their actions. I had NEVER been in a group of women that large where there was nothing and I REPEAT NOTHING but love for each other.
The content of the study was prayer. I got great information and direction for study out of that night along with amazing observations.
I have never been so excited about a bible study. For a solid week, I think I told every person who would listen how much I had loved my experience and about these women. In fact, I had one friend who decided she'd join me.
This group has continued to bless me. Through this painful process of leaving one church and finding a new one, they have prayed me through it. In fact, they have prayed for my previous church.
Never have I felt pressured by anyone to join the church. This group of ladies shared some of their experiences with me. Some encouraged me to work out my issues with the previous church if possible, because they saw how painful the decision was for me. Whatever direction they suggested I go, one thing was clear....The Lord was pulling me toward them ever so gently and making me feel a part of them.
Finding a group of women like this is an answer to prayer. I have long needed and desired a group of women like this. I have been able to fellowship with them at times outside of the weekly bible study and I have appreciated that.
I still remain guarded. Deeper relationships still scare me with people I have known for such a short time. I see potential, but my tattered heart needs a lot more mending first. In the mean time, I am thankful God has put me with this group of women to learn and grow beside. I am definitely reaping many benefits of meeting so many loving, godly women.
Now if I can just figure out the right balance of old and new friends and how to gracefully grieve what has been lost.
The teaching in my previous bible studies was definitely fine and well thought out. I'll spare you the details of why I finally stopped going, but I can tell you that over the course of several years I struggled with the environment. I struggled with the social aspect and feeling as though I was welcome.
Fast-forward to walking into this new bible study....
I had no clue what they were studying, how long they had been studying together and frankly knew nothing about any of these women. In fact, I only knew about it because one of the ladies had met me the day before at church and invited me. A complete stranger!
So as I walked in, one lady after another introduced themselves and made sure I was comfortable. It was overwhelming, but in a good way. There was no pressure to talk or share or step outside my comfort zone of first night jitters.
Within the first of the two hours, I learned a lot about this group of women. There were real with one another. When one struggled to believe or understand the concept being discussed, she said so. Nobody judged. In fact, the ladies all embraced the honesty.
During the prayer time, their were both requests for prayer and praises. The ladies shared tears of the good, the bad and the unknown.
Everyone participated. It wasn't just one lady teaching or leading with maybe an occasional comment from the crowd. Each lady added to the discussion. Younger, older, everyone had something to add.
The thing I saw the most of and what drew me back was the genuine love they shared and poured out for each other. Let's face it, women, even Christian women, can be caddy and discouraging in their own ways either verbally or through their actions. I had NEVER been in a group of women that large where there was nothing and I REPEAT NOTHING but love for each other.
The content of the study was prayer. I got great information and direction for study out of that night along with amazing observations.
I have never been so excited about a bible study. For a solid week, I think I told every person who would listen how much I had loved my experience and about these women. In fact, I had one friend who decided she'd join me.
This group has continued to bless me. Through this painful process of leaving one church and finding a new one, they have prayed me through it. In fact, they have prayed for my previous church.
Never have I felt pressured by anyone to join the church. This group of ladies shared some of their experiences with me. Some encouraged me to work out my issues with the previous church if possible, because they saw how painful the decision was for me. Whatever direction they suggested I go, one thing was clear....The Lord was pulling me toward them ever so gently and making me feel a part of them.
Finding a group of women like this is an answer to prayer. I have long needed and desired a group of women like this. I have been able to fellowship with them at times outside of the weekly bible study and I have appreciated that.
I still remain guarded. Deeper relationships still scare me with people I have known for such a short time. I see potential, but my tattered heart needs a lot more mending first. In the mean time, I am thankful God has put me with this group of women to learn and grow beside. I am definitely reaping many benefits of meeting so many loving, godly women.
Now if I can just figure out the right balance of old and new friends and how to gracefully grieve what has been lost.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Communion
Sometimes it is difficult for me to know what, if any, parts of my childhood were normal. I know there must have been times that I was punished for doing the wrong thing. It is highly likely that in those times, the punishment didn't fit the crime. Those memories aren't as prevalent as so many others, but I know they happened.
One of the things I hated the worst was being punished for something my brothers had done. Again, the punishment never fit the crime and we all were keenly aware of that. It wasn't hard for me brothers to deflect their wrong-doings onto me. They were boys, just two years apart, so they acted like normal boys as time and life allowed.
There were a couple times that I remember so specifically. Once my brothers were playing with hot wheels on the kitchen floor with a plastic track they had gotten for Christmas. My mom had a collection of antique tea/saucer sets hung on the wall, the wall in which the hot wheels were being launched toward. I am sure you can see where this is going.
I heard a crash and walked into the kitchen to find one of the cups shattered all over the floor. My brothers had split and I was left standing over the broken mess. My parents totally bought my brothers' story that they were both outside when they heard the glass break and had seen me playing with their toy cars before heading out. I'd like to add here that this is one of those times that I remember thinking my parents were incredibly stupid.
Another time, my brothers were playing in the bathroom. I'm not sure exactly what was going on. A few years back, I think they said they thought the plunger was fun and so they were trying to clog the toilet on purpose. They had a great deal of success until a stopwatch got lodged in the toilet, causing the toilet to flood the bathroom.
I wasn't home at the time, but came home to my dad pissed and in the middle of a flooded bathroom. It took him hours and tearing the toilet out to finally retrieve the stopwatch. Again, my brothers claimed that I had been playing with the stopwatch in the bathroom and must have flushed it.
Both times, I received a beating that left me bloody and bruised for days to come. The emotional scar it left was even bigger. I was angry. I resented my brothers. I had taken a punishment that I didn't deserve and was far worse than I could have imagined. It was far worse than what any of the crimes had warranted. I was resentful of my brothers for years.
Yesterday as I sat listening to my pastor present the elements of communion, these things began to be a very real, very present memory for me.
This was only my third time participating in the Lord's Supper for well over four years. My previous pastor had a way of presenting communion that made me feel very unworthy of participating. So, these past few months of really being engaged in church and participating in communion has touched my heart very deeply.
My current pastor doesn't bypass confession/repentance/having your heart right with God. However, he does focus on the elements. What they mean. Why we take them. The sacrifice. The gift. He is much more rounded on his presentation, touching on each of those things and giving us time to reflect on them.
As I did just that yesterday, I found myself extremely emotional. Each time I do get a little emotional and teary, but yesterday I dropped the alligator tears.
I think that if communion doesn't touch on some emotion for you, then you may not understand it fully or you maybe taking it for granted.
Christ suffered a brutal death that he didn't deserve. He paid a hefty price and not for his own crimes. He was sinless and didn't deserve to suffer the way he did...not at all. He took it all. He got what we deserved. We are sinful and wretched. But our transgressions are washed away because Christ paid the price with his life.
My goodness, I am in no way comparing my experience to that of Christ. I do think my past experiences make it even more precious to me that someone would take the punishment for me. I think my experiences make it easier for me to grasp what Christ did and how he suffered for someone else.
We like to think and say we would give our lives for our loved ones. The fact is, we don't know if we really would or what that would even look like. We can look at Christ and know that we are loved so much that he took what we deserved. We deserve hell for our sinful ways, but we get heaven because a sinless savior died for us...took our place.
I'm so thankful and blessed to be in a place where participating in communion is an absolute reminder of that. I'm thankful for a God who is patient with me when it takes me a while to understand.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
My Nativity
I'm not going to lie. I am struggling mightly right now with the holidays and my absence of family. This time of year is and should be focused on the birth of Christ. However, when every where you look there is focus on an adored baby, I have a tendency to feel kicked in the gut.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not comparing myself in anyway at all to Jesus. I am saying, I was the unwanted child. Born to parents who never have and never will want or love me. Focused time on a baby, extended periods of time where family is the second most common focus...it all gets to me.
Unfortunately, I don't have my tried and true supports this year. Those people who remind me that I am so much better off without my parents than with them. Those loving souls who gently point me back to the love from the Heavenly Father being so much more than even the most loving earthly father ever could be.
I know many christians who put the death and resurrection above the birth of Christ. Yes, the death and resurrection of Christ are the fulfillment of so many of God's promises and certainly his biggest gift to us. However, I tend to feel just as enamored by the birth.
Until last Christmas, I had never had a nice or any real nativity set. The senior couple I love so dearly gave me a nativity for Christmas. It is an 18 inch set of Joseph, Mary and baby Jesus. I've left it on display the entire year. I know, most people put theirs away in January and drag them back out near Christmas. Not me!
It was absolutely one of the best gifts I have ever gotten from anyone. Without the birth, the death and resurrection could have never happened. I know that's simple, but it is. For me, the nativity is a constant reminder of Jesus' entire life and what his death means for me.
I have often not placed much value in the life of a baby. Don't get me wrong, I'm not devaluing any children. I have just often struggled with my warped idea of parents and the place of a child and importance.
Keeping the nativity in front of me all year, constantly reminds me that my earthly view is warped and was deeply damaged by evil. Just because my parents didn't want me, doesn't mean that nobody did. God did. As hard as that is to keep in my heart this time of year, it is true.
The nativity is a reminder for me that Christ was born, so that through Him I can know a Heavenly Father. So that I can experience what I never believed possible. So that I can know a love beyond what even a good father could have given. So that I can eventually be without the pain of not having loving parents brings.
I know all these things to be true. But my broken little heart has a hard time holding onto them through the pain of the season. There isn't a day that goes by this month that I don't long for a family and wish away the pain. During this season of feeling so unwanted, the truth is no match for my tears.
So for now, I'll cry my tears, soothe my broken heart and anxiously wait for the day when the love outweighs it all.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not comparing myself in anyway at all to Jesus. I am saying, I was the unwanted child. Born to parents who never have and never will want or love me. Focused time on a baby, extended periods of time where family is the second most common focus...it all gets to me.
Unfortunately, I don't have my tried and true supports this year. Those people who remind me that I am so much better off without my parents than with them. Those loving souls who gently point me back to the love from the Heavenly Father being so much more than even the most loving earthly father ever could be.
I know many christians who put the death and resurrection above the birth of Christ. Yes, the death and resurrection of Christ are the fulfillment of so many of God's promises and certainly his biggest gift to us. However, I tend to feel just as enamored by the birth.
Until last Christmas, I had never had a nice or any real nativity set. The senior couple I love so dearly gave me a nativity for Christmas. It is an 18 inch set of Joseph, Mary and baby Jesus. I've left it on display the entire year. I know, most people put theirs away in January and drag them back out near Christmas. Not me!
It was absolutely one of the best gifts I have ever gotten from anyone. Without the birth, the death and resurrection could have never happened. I know that's simple, but it is. For me, the nativity is a constant reminder of Jesus' entire life and what his death means for me.
I have often not placed much value in the life of a baby. Don't get me wrong, I'm not devaluing any children. I have just often struggled with my warped idea of parents and the place of a child and importance.
Keeping the nativity in front of me all year, constantly reminds me that my earthly view is warped and was deeply damaged by evil. Just because my parents didn't want me, doesn't mean that nobody did. God did. As hard as that is to keep in my heart this time of year, it is true.
The nativity is a reminder for me that Christ was born, so that through Him I can know a Heavenly Father. So that I can experience what I never believed possible. So that I can know a love beyond what even a good father could have given. So that I can eventually be without the pain of not having loving parents brings.
I know all these things to be true. But my broken little heart has a hard time holding onto them through the pain of the season. There isn't a day that goes by this month that I don't long for a family and wish away the pain. During this season of feeling so unwanted, the truth is no match for my tears.
So for now, I'll cry my tears, soothe my broken heart and anxiously wait for the day when the love outweighs it all.
Friday, December 13, 2013
I Tried...
Maybe I am learning a lesson lately in how the plans I have aren't always the way things will be. I would love to say that these are great lessons. But the truth is that they are painful and hard.
Last year, my holiday sadness led to a few months of being a hermit and severe depression. I had a plan this year to avoid it. I was proactive. I did everything right so that I could take a huge step in putting the holiday sadness behind me.
Nothing and I mean nothing has worked out. All the plans have simply gone down the toilet one by one.
Back in May, we made a plan to spend Thanksgiving with my brother and his family. We had a condo chosen and paid for months in advance and a plan. For the first time in over six years, I was going to get to spend a major holiday with some of my family. With tickets to shows and parks already purchased and only a few weeks to go, my brother's family backed out.
I had a fine and lovely holiday spending some much needed time with my husband. However, I was crushed. I spent plenty of time that weekend tucking myself away when the emotions hit and the tears couldn't be held back.
Even onto the Christmas holiday, I purposely filled my month with one activity after another. Again, not even to avoid but to survive in a healthier way.
The first week, I was scheduled to have lunch with a friend and a craft night with my favorite crafty gals. Both got cancelled.
Later that same week, I got a nice case of flu that put me to bed for several days. I had scheduled a bunco friends Christmas party at my house. The next night was our Christmas party with our new Sunday School class. I literally slept through all of it.
I'd like to take a moment to point out what a wonderful husband I have. He spent all last week stuck in Ohio. I mean really stuck. He had to stay an additional day because of bad weather. The poor guy finally made it home Saturday evening. He took care of me, cleaned up the house and a massive mountain of laundry. Awesome!
That Sunday, we had a full day of plans. Lunch with a friend and then a trip to see Handel's Messiah followed by a Christmas pagent. Well, we managed to not be able to sell our tickets to the Messiah. So we drug our drippy noses and handfuls of cough drops to the symphony. Yay! At least one thing on the long list of plans happened.
This weekend, some of us were supposed to have a girl's weekend. Good ole Mother Nature foiled our plans by giving us a full day of freezing rain and snow.
One disappointment after another and I can no longer hold off the holiday sadness. It's coming....it's here. I tried, I really did. Even I can accept that I at least put forth an effort.
When I put up my Christmas decorations the first week of November, I was ever the optomistic. I knew this year I'd be able to find a joy in life that had been missing for so long.
I know many of my Christian friends who would argue that celebrating the birth of our Savior is enough to infuse joy into even the most broken heart. Unfortunately, those same friends haven't been in my shoes.
We will have one and only one very short Christmas celebration with my husband's family. I know, I should it enjoy it but I don't. It will be uncomfortable for both of us. His mom no longer knows who he is and his sibling group is deconstructing with strong personalities. It has great potential to be more painful for my husband than any holiday past.
Don't even get me started on the gift part of Christmas. It's one of my love languages, both giving and receiving. Our big, beautiful tree won't have much under it for us or others. I'm sad to not have a long list of people to give gifts to and won't even be doing my usual week of baking goodies this year.
A couple months ago, I never thought it would be possible to slide into the holiday sadness two weeks before Christmas. But that is what happens when I make plans.
I have been so good lately in accepting that when things don't work out the way I want them to, then God must have a better plan. Ha! I have even been THAT person with other people lately. You know...the annoying one that reminds you that there must be a better, bigger plan and that we just need to be excited about it.
Maybe I'll get there again, but not right now. Every effort I have made to live healthier through this time of year has been for not. I'm frustrated and disappointed and mad.....but mostly just sad.
Last year, my holiday sadness led to a few months of being a hermit and severe depression. I had a plan this year to avoid it. I was proactive. I did everything right so that I could take a huge step in putting the holiday sadness behind me.
Nothing and I mean nothing has worked out. All the plans have simply gone down the toilet one by one.
Back in May, we made a plan to spend Thanksgiving with my brother and his family. We had a condo chosen and paid for months in advance and a plan. For the first time in over six years, I was going to get to spend a major holiday with some of my family. With tickets to shows and parks already purchased and only a few weeks to go, my brother's family backed out.
I had a fine and lovely holiday spending some much needed time with my husband. However, I was crushed. I spent plenty of time that weekend tucking myself away when the emotions hit and the tears couldn't be held back.
Even onto the Christmas holiday, I purposely filled my month with one activity after another. Again, not even to avoid but to survive in a healthier way.
The first week, I was scheduled to have lunch with a friend and a craft night with my favorite crafty gals. Both got cancelled.
Later that same week, I got a nice case of flu that put me to bed for several days. I had scheduled a bunco friends Christmas party at my house. The next night was our Christmas party with our new Sunday School class. I literally slept through all of it.
I'd like to take a moment to point out what a wonderful husband I have. He spent all last week stuck in Ohio. I mean really stuck. He had to stay an additional day because of bad weather. The poor guy finally made it home Saturday evening. He took care of me, cleaned up the house and a massive mountain of laundry. Awesome!
That Sunday, we had a full day of plans. Lunch with a friend and then a trip to see Handel's Messiah followed by a Christmas pagent. Well, we managed to not be able to sell our tickets to the Messiah. So we drug our drippy noses and handfuls of cough drops to the symphony. Yay! At least one thing on the long list of plans happened.
This weekend, some of us were supposed to have a girl's weekend. Good ole Mother Nature foiled our plans by giving us a full day of freezing rain and snow.
One disappointment after another and I can no longer hold off the holiday sadness. It's coming....it's here. I tried, I really did. Even I can accept that I at least put forth an effort.
When I put up my Christmas decorations the first week of November, I was ever the optomistic. I knew this year I'd be able to find a joy in life that had been missing for so long.
I know many of my Christian friends who would argue that celebrating the birth of our Savior is enough to infuse joy into even the most broken heart. Unfortunately, those same friends haven't been in my shoes.
We will have one and only one very short Christmas celebration with my husband's family. I know, I should it enjoy it but I don't. It will be uncomfortable for both of us. His mom no longer knows who he is and his sibling group is deconstructing with strong personalities. It has great potential to be more painful for my husband than any holiday past.
Don't even get me started on the gift part of Christmas. It's one of my love languages, both giving and receiving. Our big, beautiful tree won't have much under it for us or others. I'm sad to not have a long list of people to give gifts to and won't even be doing my usual week of baking goodies this year.
A couple months ago, I never thought it would be possible to slide into the holiday sadness two weeks before Christmas. But that is what happens when I make plans.
I have been so good lately in accepting that when things don't work out the way I want them to, then God must have a better plan. Ha! I have even been THAT person with other people lately. You know...the annoying one that reminds you that there must be a better, bigger plan and that we just need to be excited about it.
Maybe I'll get there again, but not right now. Every effort I have made to live healthier through this time of year has been for not. I'm frustrated and disappointed and mad.....but mostly just sad.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
A New Place
I have been dragging my feet to write this post. Not that it isn't good, it is. However, my husband received a phone call today that kicked me in the tail and made me realize it was time to make note of our continued journey.
We have both been sick. I had a nasty cold for about two weeks, which I kindly shared with my husband. At the tail end of the cold, I was hit with the flu. After being down for almost three weeks, I am finally among the living again. During that time, Kent has also been traveling and was snowbound an extra day across the country.
Needless to say, we have missed everything. Holiday parties, plans and church. When I say we've missed church, I mean we have deeply missed church.
Even though we walked into another church with hearts completely against staying, the good Lord had other plans for us.
We came in late and tried to sneak out early. People still greeted us and made us feel welcome. As we sat and listened to the preaching, we found ourselves refreshed and absolutely focused on the message. The message was the 2nd commandment. After it was over, the pastor made a point to speak to my husband.
The second week we attended this church was the same. Then the next and the next.
One of the things we both have long struggled with at our previous church was how we didn't fit socially. It took so long to make more than one or two relationships for each of us. We also struggled with how easy it was to be gone for long periods of time and not be missed. Maybe that was a product of so few relationships or it being a larger church.
We both know our biggest draw to a church is and should always be based on it being a place where we can worship God with other like-minded people. The social part of it is important but definitely comes after worship and spritiual growth.
It didn't take long to find ourselves drawn to the worship and preaching at this church and we found ourselves wanting to know more. We wanted to know if the "feel" of the church was consistent throughout bible studies and activities.
I tried two women's bible studies. Absolutely consistent. In fact, I have stayed in one faithfully for nearly three months. I love my bible study buddies. It is more than a bunch of women studying the bible.
Seriously, I have never found another large group of women who were so willing to be so real. The group is 12-18 women and they are so honest and vulnerable and loving. When they don't agree, they say so but stay open enough to allow their hearts to change. They are vulnerable with their personal lives, sharing joy and pain with each other. When someone shares their heart or their pain, they genuinely feel along side each other. I can't even do this group justice with words. I love these women and have found an organic connection within them.
We checked out their Sunday and Wednesday studies. Again, we both were floored by the openness and honesty. I had never seen a pastor pray over the entire church's prayer requests nor open the floor for church-wide discussion on his preaching.
Through people we had met, we were invited to a Sunday School class. Again, great content and fellowship for us. Through email or class, we always receive so much information.
Speaking of that....
I don't remember the last time I took notes on a sermon or class or anything. It had been months since I had done any bible study. My bible had dust on it. Why? Becuase I was discouraged spiritually. Most everything I had heard was over my head or spoken in a way that was difficult for me to assimilate on my own.
The past three months I happily head to church and bible study with bible and journal in hand. I have pages and pages of notes. The Word of God has never come alive for me the way it has the past few months. I understand it. It is spoken and presented in a way that I understand. When I say happily, I mean it.
I am beginning to think that it is easy to know where God is leading you when you look at the situation that is so good and say, "We didn't mean for it to happen, it just did."
That brings me back to the phone call. I have missed church for about 4 Sundays and my husband 2 Sundays. A gentleman we've talked to a couple times called my husband today. First of all, he had to go to the trouble to hunt down the phone number as we haven't shared that openly. Most importantly, we were missed. WE WERE MISSED!
Someone cared enough about us to call and check on us. (Again, not pointing a finger at our previous church...) This has never happened to us before coming to this church. This is so consistent throughout this entire congregation. I miss a bible study or church and I have emails from multiple women making sure I am ok, asking if I need anything.
I shared some of our holiday trials within my bible study group. On Thanksgiving, I had several ladies email me to say they were praying for me or thinking of me. Not only that, but we were invited to several homes for the holiday.
And now, one of the men is checking in on my husband. Thank you, Lord.
This congregation has welcomed us, reached out to us and truly made us a part of them. And, all of this while we have made it clear that we are looking for a church home and having made no committment to them whatsoever.
It warms my heart to be in a place where we enjoy worship, see spiritual growth within ourselves and seem to fit socially so well. I am so thankful that God's plan is so much better than my own. I'm thankful for these people who so easily show the love Christ has put in their hearts.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Choosing Grief Over Familiar
This is one of the posts that have been on my heart and in my mind for so long, but I dreaded the messyness of laying it all out. As much as we all want it to be, life isn't always a bowl full of cherries and sunshine. Sometimes it flat out sucks. Sometimes you find yourself in a position where you must make a choice that you know is going to hurt.
That is certainly where my husband and I found ourselves this past September. Without going into all the details, I'll just say we found ourselves struggling with decisions being made in our church. At that time, we decided to visit another local church.
Our plan was to take a few weeks to reboot. We needed a time away, a time to refresh our minds and search our hearts. That first Sunday, we walked in with an attitude that this was temporary. Our plan was to put our hearts in a position to once again appreciate our church.
There is just no other way to say it. When you spend three years volunteering in a church office, you see a completely different side of church than what you find on Sunday mornings. There was no way for me to remove all that I had seen or experienced, but I wanted desparately to have that Sunday morning perspective of the church body.
Since I did not grow up in church, I certainly was not prepared for what happened during those first few weeks of visiting another church. It was ugly!!! The rumor mill ran rampant. Things were said that shouldn't have been said. Confrontations happened that were completly uncalled for. Assumptions were made. And through all of the ugliness and hurt, nobody was asking. Nobody asked why we had stepped away from the church.
Let me just say....that was a dagger to my heart. These people I had served and served with for over six years seemingly either didn't miss us or were content to accept rumor instead of come to us. I'm not pointing a finger, honestly I am not. I say all of that to remind myself of the magnitude of pain this has caused. The church I was baptized in and the family who once accepted us as part of them hasn't asked once said they missed us or bothered to ask where we've been or why. Put yourself in my shoes for just a minute. Wouldn't you be hurt too? Three months have passed and not one person has asked...
But, this isn't a post about pointing fingers and isn't even about comparing churches...I promise. It is fully about grief.
I didn't think there would ever be anything comparable to choosing to leave my immediate family. If you aren't familiar with my story, I had to chose between God and my family. In my family, you can't have both. Of course, I chose God.
Making a choice to leave the church I was baptized in was almost as painful and in some respects, even more so. It was by no means easy. I fought it for weeks. I went back and forth. I spent days and days stomping my feet and saying no way. Even while God was very clearly showing us that it was time, I fought it.
With the exception of one or two, every relationship I have in my life was developed in the church. Relationships meant very little to me before I was in church. Now, they mean everything to me. In fact, if I consider someone a friend now, it means I care about them very deeply. If I call you a friend, it means I genuinely care about your well-being and think of you often. It means that you are more to me than a hello/goodbye once a week. It means that I'm not afraid for you to see my weaknesses nor am I scared to see yours.
I have gone through weeks and weeks of not wanting to lose that. The past year has been a good year of developing relationships. It's been a year of living life with people and being vulnerable with people. I certainly could not stand the thought of losing ground or even starting over.
Several months ago, a friend told me that leaving a church is like a divorce. I suppose I have seen glimpses of that. I think the more accurate way to describe it is leaving high school or college. On graduation day, you always make these grand plans to stay in touch and get together throughout the year. Then, life happens and you lose touch. That is how I am feeling.
Don't get me wrong, I have some solid relationships that these changes won't affect. However, it's already started to happen with the majority and my heart aches over it. Of course it does. Three months of not seeing the people I thought I'd see raising children or I'd grow old with. Of course it hurts.
I also don't want you to think the grieving process is over. The wound is going to be open for some time to come. The holidays. The events. The dinners. The sweet times of fellowship. One by one, those things are going to come and go and I will feel alone and apart from the family I spent the past six years with for those things. There is still plenty of tears to be shed over this. There's still going to be awkward conversations. There is still growing pains to come and times of not understanding and difference.
God is clearly leading us in this decision. He has clearly closed a door for us, slammed it shut in our faces. Despite our denial, understanding, frustration, pain...He has a bigger plan for us. I am doing my best to always keep in mind that His plan is always better than mine. His plan is beautiful and wonderful. It is my desire to hang onto my plan that brings the pain and tears.
It is a difficult decision to choose grief over familiar, pain over comfort. But in the words of a very intellegent, godly woman...the right and good thing isn't always the easiest thing.
That is certainly where my husband and I found ourselves this past September. Without going into all the details, I'll just say we found ourselves struggling with decisions being made in our church. At that time, we decided to visit another local church.
Our plan was to take a few weeks to reboot. We needed a time away, a time to refresh our minds and search our hearts. That first Sunday, we walked in with an attitude that this was temporary. Our plan was to put our hearts in a position to once again appreciate our church.
There is just no other way to say it. When you spend three years volunteering in a church office, you see a completely different side of church than what you find on Sunday mornings. There was no way for me to remove all that I had seen or experienced, but I wanted desparately to have that Sunday morning perspective of the church body.
Since I did not grow up in church, I certainly was not prepared for what happened during those first few weeks of visiting another church. It was ugly!!! The rumor mill ran rampant. Things were said that shouldn't have been said. Confrontations happened that were completly uncalled for. Assumptions were made. And through all of the ugliness and hurt, nobody was asking. Nobody asked why we had stepped away from the church.
Let me just say....that was a dagger to my heart. These people I had served and served with for over six years seemingly either didn't miss us or were content to accept rumor instead of come to us. I'm not pointing a finger, honestly I am not. I say all of that to remind myself of the magnitude of pain this has caused. The church I was baptized in and the family who once accepted us as part of them hasn't asked once said they missed us or bothered to ask where we've been or why. Put yourself in my shoes for just a minute. Wouldn't you be hurt too? Three months have passed and not one person has asked...
But, this isn't a post about pointing fingers and isn't even about comparing churches...I promise. It is fully about grief.
I didn't think there would ever be anything comparable to choosing to leave my immediate family. If you aren't familiar with my story, I had to chose between God and my family. In my family, you can't have both. Of course, I chose God.
Making a choice to leave the church I was baptized in was almost as painful and in some respects, even more so. It was by no means easy. I fought it for weeks. I went back and forth. I spent days and days stomping my feet and saying no way. Even while God was very clearly showing us that it was time, I fought it.
With the exception of one or two, every relationship I have in my life was developed in the church. Relationships meant very little to me before I was in church. Now, they mean everything to me. In fact, if I consider someone a friend now, it means I care about them very deeply. If I call you a friend, it means I genuinely care about your well-being and think of you often. It means that you are more to me than a hello/goodbye once a week. It means that I'm not afraid for you to see my weaknesses nor am I scared to see yours.
I have gone through weeks and weeks of not wanting to lose that. The past year has been a good year of developing relationships. It's been a year of living life with people and being vulnerable with people. I certainly could not stand the thought of losing ground or even starting over.
Several months ago, a friend told me that leaving a church is like a divorce. I suppose I have seen glimpses of that. I think the more accurate way to describe it is leaving high school or college. On graduation day, you always make these grand plans to stay in touch and get together throughout the year. Then, life happens and you lose touch. That is how I am feeling.
Don't get me wrong, I have some solid relationships that these changes won't affect. However, it's already started to happen with the majority and my heart aches over it. Of course it does. Three months of not seeing the people I thought I'd see raising children or I'd grow old with. Of course it hurts.
I also don't want you to think the grieving process is over. The wound is going to be open for some time to come. The holidays. The events. The dinners. The sweet times of fellowship. One by one, those things are going to come and go and I will feel alone and apart from the family I spent the past six years with for those things. There is still plenty of tears to be shed over this. There's still going to be awkward conversations. There is still growing pains to come and times of not understanding and difference.
God is clearly leading us in this decision. He has clearly closed a door for us, slammed it shut in our faces. Despite our denial, understanding, frustration, pain...He has a bigger plan for us. I am doing my best to always keep in mind that His plan is always better than mine. His plan is beautiful and wonderful. It is my desire to hang onto my plan that brings the pain and tears.
It is a difficult decision to choose grief over familiar, pain over comfort. But in the words of a very intellegent, godly woman...the right and good thing isn't always the easiest thing.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Restlessness
I am no stranger to being restless. In my many years of sleep deprivation, the worst part of it was the long nights of being restless. Enduring hours and hours of tossing, turning and discomfort, I easily grew weary.
During that time, I would have quickly taken another path had it been available. I would have chosen to sleep. Sleep would have been a much welcomed end to the restlessness that had settled into my body and mind.
On my wall hangs a bible verse..."Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
This verse became my mantra. With complete depletion of sanity and self sustainability, I learned to rely on God for rest. Rest without sleep. I know, that seems impossible, but God provided. He gave me rest in unconventional ways when my restlessness threatened to destroy me physically and emotionally.
Recently, I have walked into another season of restlessness. It isn't the same as before. My heart and soul are restless.
For so long, I have survived within the church by just showing up. I went through quite a long stretch of being spiritually stagnant and struggling to mature. The idea of just showing up wasn't my own, but was encouraged by wonderful, godly friends who wanted to help me persevere through this season.
This new season I am moving into, fearfully and enthusiastically, can only be attributed to the work of God in my heart.
Honestly, I feel as though a switch was flipped in me. One day, one week, I'm not sure how or when...I woke up wanting more for myself. Suddenly, just showing up wasn't enough for me and I wanted more. I needed more.
As life does, there seemed to be a domino effect of unfortunate events and circumstances at the exact same time that I found myself wanting more spiritually. That led to several hard conversations with my husband and even more difficult decisions.
Thankfully, in very different ways, God was causing some restlessness in his heart too.
Isn't it funny how God chooses to speak to us in very personal ways? I really do believe the restlessness was brought God given and directed.
After much discussion, we agreed that we had to decide together what was important for us in a church. To clear our minds, we chose to head to a different local church for a short sermon series.
Our plan and hope was to clear our minds of the junk satan uses to confuse us. We also hoped to return to our home church with a renewed spirit and appreciation.
Again, life happens...rumors run rampant, feelings are hurt, truth is revealed and bitterness ensues. However, we quickly learned that God was right there with us. He was in the middle of our pain, comforting us and drawing us both to Him more than ever.
I can't wait to share more with you in the upcoming posts. God has done amazing things in my life the past few months and I cannot wait to share more about it.
During that time, I would have quickly taken another path had it been available. I would have chosen to sleep. Sleep would have been a much welcomed end to the restlessness that had settled into my body and mind.
On my wall hangs a bible verse..."Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
This verse became my mantra. With complete depletion of sanity and self sustainability, I learned to rely on God for rest. Rest without sleep. I know, that seems impossible, but God provided. He gave me rest in unconventional ways when my restlessness threatened to destroy me physically and emotionally.
Recently, I have walked into another season of restlessness. It isn't the same as before. My heart and soul are restless.
For so long, I have survived within the church by just showing up. I went through quite a long stretch of being spiritually stagnant and struggling to mature. The idea of just showing up wasn't my own, but was encouraged by wonderful, godly friends who wanted to help me persevere through this season.
This new season I am moving into, fearfully and enthusiastically, can only be attributed to the work of God in my heart.
Honestly, I feel as though a switch was flipped in me. One day, one week, I'm not sure how or when...I woke up wanting more for myself. Suddenly, just showing up wasn't enough for me and I wanted more. I needed more.
As life does, there seemed to be a domino effect of unfortunate events and circumstances at the exact same time that I found myself wanting more spiritually. That led to several hard conversations with my husband and even more difficult decisions.
Thankfully, in very different ways, God was causing some restlessness in his heart too.
Isn't it funny how God chooses to speak to us in very personal ways? I really do believe the restlessness was brought God given and directed.
After much discussion, we agreed that we had to decide together what was important for us in a church. To clear our minds, we chose to head to a different local church for a short sermon series.
Our plan and hope was to clear our minds of the junk satan uses to confuse us. We also hoped to return to our home church with a renewed spirit and appreciation.
Again, life happens...rumors run rampant, feelings are hurt, truth is revealed and bitterness ensues. However, we quickly learned that God was right there with us. He was in the middle of our pain, comforting us and drawing us both to Him more than ever.
I can't wait to share more with you in the upcoming posts. God has done amazing things in my life the past few months and I cannot wait to share more about it.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Inner City School Experience
Halloween usually passes by without much consequence for me. Not having kids and living in a primarily retired area of town makes it fairly seamless for us. Although, this year has turned out a bit different.
I was given the opportunity to bake cookies for and help in the delivery of goodies to an inner city charter school.
Let me tell you, I was a little nervous prior to arriving and in such self centered ways. Even though my friend teaches there, my white-girl-from-small-town-Kansas-totally-suburbanized self was admittedly hesitant about spending the day in an inner city school.
Granted, times have changed and school security is much tighter since I went to school, but I was still a little taken aback by the doors being locked at all times. Walking in the door, a mix of sweat, children, mold and dirt smacked me in the face. That isn't an insult to anyone or anything, but the first thing to really grab hold my senses and make me seriously open my eyes.
My husband and I have traveled to poverty stricken nations for vacation. Before you judge, those areas survive off farming and tourism. Since we go in fall or winter, we always see kids going to or leaving schools. We've seen the schools. They are old, dirty and usually small. Often, if they are lucky enough to have windows and doors, they are covered by bars. The kids all wear uniforms and all look very happy.
Statistically, in the poverty stricken areas, it is a privilege to go to school. In most areas, schools only go through 8th or 9th grade. Only the elite are able to go onto high school, especially women, and even less go to community colleges.
As I walked up the three flights of stairs, I felt as though I was walking through one of those schools we had seen in another country. Again, not judging!
Outside the classroom was a variety of buckets sitting to catch the water dripping from the leaky roof. Inside the classroom, another bucket was set up to catch water. The ceiling tiles had either already collapsed or were bowing every so close to falling to the floor. Electrical wires to the overhead projector were catching some of the leaky rain water while a light fixture held another giant puddle within it. Talking with the teacher and another person later in the day, I found out that these conditions were wonderful compared to the building they had been in last year.
I hate to overly stereotype anyone or anything, but on the surface the kids and school were much like you would see on television. Even the neighborhoods are a lot like you would think of inner city.
As you drive to the school, you see dilapidated houses with bars and boards covering the windows. They are tiny and old and many have junk or old cars or trash in the front yards. My simplistic, naïve heart wants to believe these are uninhabitable, yet I know that they are the most substantial thing most of these families own.
When I watch the news night after night, the murders and violence and gang activity all seem a world away. But this school sits amidst it all, 30 minutes from my front door.
Completely on the surface, the children seem explosive and very rough. In the yelling and fighting and attitude, it is difficult to the innocence at first.
These kids were all middle school age. I didn't think for a second that they would be excited about a pipe cleaner candy spider, pencils and cookies. Boy was I wrong! The minute I began to hand out the goodies, I was completely overwhelmed by the childish innocence that I never expected to find.
The kids were all so thankful and delighted by the goodies. They were excited over plain, yellow pencils. When was the last time that you were excited over a pencil or anything that small? It broke my heart to repeatedly hear from the kids how badly they needed pencils.
The teacher had to tell the kids that they couldn't do their homework assignment on the computer. She couldn't allow it because not every child has access to a computer. This is 2013 and I can't wrap my head around that. We live in a house full of electronics. We each have a laptop. We each have ipads, iphones, ipods, etc. So much we take for granted.
As we left, there were two older guys waiting for one of the kids I had seen that day. They yelled and talked about shooting someone as they walked down the block after school. I think that is when it really sunk in. These kids are still babies in this big mean world. They are so young and yet live in a time and place that causes them to grow up too fast.
My broken little heart wants to rescue them all. I want to whisk them away to a loving, safe home that is bright and clean and warm. I want to shield them from violence and gangs and the ways of the cold, unforgiving streets. I want to tuck them safely into bed at night and send them off to clean, updated schools every morning.
I applaud my friend for what she does and does well. I couldn't do it. I'm appalled that in this day and in this country, that we have living and school conditions like this. I cannot believe that our government; federal, state or local, is ok with this.
There is little that I can do outside of praying. The problem is too big for me. I will certainly be more committed to praying for the children, the school, the community and for my friend. I will be praying that she can be a positive influence and a light to these children who so badly need it.
I was given the opportunity to bake cookies for and help in the delivery of goodies to an inner city charter school.
Let me tell you, I was a little nervous prior to arriving and in such self centered ways. Even though my friend teaches there, my white-girl-from-small-town-Kansas-totally-suburbanized self was admittedly hesitant about spending the day in an inner city school.
Granted, times have changed and school security is much tighter since I went to school, but I was still a little taken aback by the doors being locked at all times. Walking in the door, a mix of sweat, children, mold and dirt smacked me in the face. That isn't an insult to anyone or anything, but the first thing to really grab hold my senses and make me seriously open my eyes.
My husband and I have traveled to poverty stricken nations for vacation. Before you judge, those areas survive off farming and tourism. Since we go in fall or winter, we always see kids going to or leaving schools. We've seen the schools. They are old, dirty and usually small. Often, if they are lucky enough to have windows and doors, they are covered by bars. The kids all wear uniforms and all look very happy.
Statistically, in the poverty stricken areas, it is a privilege to go to school. In most areas, schools only go through 8th or 9th grade. Only the elite are able to go onto high school, especially women, and even less go to community colleges.
As I walked up the three flights of stairs, I felt as though I was walking through one of those schools we had seen in another country. Again, not judging!
Outside the classroom was a variety of buckets sitting to catch the water dripping from the leaky roof. Inside the classroom, another bucket was set up to catch water. The ceiling tiles had either already collapsed or were bowing every so close to falling to the floor. Electrical wires to the overhead projector were catching some of the leaky rain water while a light fixture held another giant puddle within it. Talking with the teacher and another person later in the day, I found out that these conditions were wonderful compared to the building they had been in last year.
I hate to overly stereotype anyone or anything, but on the surface the kids and school were much like you would see on television. Even the neighborhoods are a lot like you would think of inner city.
As you drive to the school, you see dilapidated houses with bars and boards covering the windows. They are tiny and old and many have junk or old cars or trash in the front yards. My simplistic, naïve heart wants to believe these are uninhabitable, yet I know that they are the most substantial thing most of these families own.
When I watch the news night after night, the murders and violence and gang activity all seem a world away. But this school sits amidst it all, 30 minutes from my front door.
Completely on the surface, the children seem explosive and very rough. In the yelling and fighting and attitude, it is difficult to the innocence at first.
These kids were all middle school age. I didn't think for a second that they would be excited about a pipe cleaner candy spider, pencils and cookies. Boy was I wrong! The minute I began to hand out the goodies, I was completely overwhelmed by the childish innocence that I never expected to find.
The kids were all so thankful and delighted by the goodies. They were excited over plain, yellow pencils. When was the last time that you were excited over a pencil or anything that small? It broke my heart to repeatedly hear from the kids how badly they needed pencils.
The teacher had to tell the kids that they couldn't do their homework assignment on the computer. She couldn't allow it because not every child has access to a computer. This is 2013 and I can't wrap my head around that. We live in a house full of electronics. We each have a laptop. We each have ipads, iphones, ipods, etc. So much we take for granted.
As we left, there were two older guys waiting for one of the kids I had seen that day. They yelled and talked about shooting someone as they walked down the block after school. I think that is when it really sunk in. These kids are still babies in this big mean world. They are so young and yet live in a time and place that causes them to grow up too fast.
My broken little heart wants to rescue them all. I want to whisk them away to a loving, safe home that is bright and clean and warm. I want to shield them from violence and gangs and the ways of the cold, unforgiving streets. I want to tuck them safely into bed at night and send them off to clean, updated schools every morning.
I applaud my friend for what she does and does well. I couldn't do it. I'm appalled that in this day and in this country, that we have living and school conditions like this. I cannot believe that our government; federal, state or local, is ok with this.
There is little that I can do outside of praying. The problem is too big for me. I will certainly be more committed to praying for the children, the school, the community and for my friend. I will be praying that she can be a positive influence and a light to these children who so badly need it.
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