I absolutely love my husband. Nothing could change that.
But dealing with his depression is stinking hard.
There's absolutely nothing worse than feeling rejected by your spouse. In all ways. And I get it. He barely has the energy to care for himself. So, he doesn't have anything left to give me.
That means after spending 10 hours alone during the day, I spend most evenings feeling completely alone. Not much conversation. Not much activity. Just sitting in front of the tv.
I'm going nuts here. More accurately, the weight of it all is crushing me.
For nearly a year, I've gotten so little from him. I don't say that to complain, but to explain what it's like.
When I'm sick or in crisis, I get nothing. No empathy, no support. In fact, I get a hard time because it's inconvienent for him. It's not because he doesn't care, but because his personality is seriously altered when he's depressed.
Depression also alters how you interact, even basic interaction. That means basic conversation turns into an argument and leaves me shoving my own feelings to the side. It's hard to feel like you're never heard and to know that's not how things would be aside from the depression.
Nothing is right or good enough. Again, those personal attacks are straight from the depression. It's the core of what causes his depression, so it's what comes out.
I'm so tired. It sucks to not have support and feel so alone, especially during the holidays that are already hard.
I wish there was an end in sight. There's not. He's finally starting to reach out to other men and is being more honest. But, it's our constant reality for a while to come.
All I can do is pray. I can't fix this. I can't change it. I have to continue to adapt and go through it alone. I have to fight my natural urge to yell "put your big girl pants on" all the time. It's that natural inclination I have that tells me men should always be the stronger sex.
I love him. So I continue to live in the suck!
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