First Christmas

I know multiple posts in multiple days. There's a good explanation. This is my outlet. This is the only place that I can safely put into words what's in my heart.

It's taken me hours of laying here agonizing over why I'm so full of stuff.

I'm happy here. I'm healthier than I've ever been. I've never been so immersed in the Word and never so solid in my faith.

So why is my mood spiraling?

It's Christmas. It is my first Christmas in seven years to not have a full support system. By that, I don't have people to talk through the stuff with. I don't have people who have walked with me long enough to know that I will smile and look normal while I crumble inside. I don't have people who know how badly I need to feel loved or how much a hug means to me this time of year.

To be fair, there are a couple people who probably have a clue or are getting to know me well enough that they'll eventually learn these things. They are genuine, caring people who have and would listen to my hurting heart if I was honest with them. I trust them, but am still fearful of judgement.

So there it is...

The emotion that I've been so afraid would hit my husband has settled in for me.

I knew this holiday would be hard, but I didn't expect this. The normal struggle is compounded by our move and the difficulty of this year. The discouragement and amount of fighting with my husband isn't helping either.

Believe me, I don't want it. I don't want to be depressed with my brother coming.

I hate the word. My depression is always circumstantial. The past few years haven't been so bad. I've had all those things I listed above and I made it through little more than a couple days of high emotion.

I'm not even sure what to do.

When I got so sick this summer, I did much the same thing. I was full of fear and emotion. Nobody knew. When you lay around day after day feeling like you are going to die, because you really are dying...well I kept that all to myself. There wasn't anyone to talk to and if I had someone, I knew they'd think I was crazy.

Ok, so not the healthiest way to cope, but it's all I have right now.

Those relationships I had, the support system, I needed them every year but that need grew less and less each year. I didn't need them because I was being prideful and thought I could handle things alone. I didn't them as much because I was healthier.

This year has nearly broken me over and over, I need it this year.

I hope when next year rolls around, things will be easier.

For now and like the rest of the year, it's just hard.