My Complex

It's worth starting this off with a reminder about who I am.

I don't have your typical self esteem issues. I don't get hung up on how I look like most women. I don't place value in physical aspects of me. I'm fairly confident in who I am and what I believe. I do not see myself as an attractive woman at all. As I've said before, I very much see myself as the fat, ugly person my dad expected me to be. It's not a struggle, it's just the way I am.

Rarely do I have issues with body image and when I do, they are usually a direct relation to my relationship with my husband.

I never ever alter the value of me based on social media or what others think of me. I don't compare mysef to others. I don't use social media as an indication of how well I am like or disliked nor how people feel about what I have to say.

That being said, I think social media may have played a part in a recent emotional hiccup.

I hate social media. The only reason I post ever on Facebook is for one of two reasons. One is that my friends and family will know what's going on in my life. The other is for religious reasons. That's it. I typically don't rant or rave, maybe on occasion. I don't enjoy looking at Facebook much either. I don't tweet and I use Instagram only to filter photos. I so don't use facebook to air grievances or dirty laundry or fight with my spouse.

A couple weeks ago, I had my hair cut and dyed. My color turned out darker than expected, but I liked it. I've dyed my hair dark before. I've also straightened it before. Although I don't often.

The stylist straightened it and I posted a photo on social media.

I had an unexpected response. I rarely pay much attention to likes or comments unless they deserve a thank you or other response.

This picture, it got a lot of attention. I didn't expect that. It was all complimentary.

The sentiment was that my hair style was different and beautiful. It was just a style to me. I still saw the same person. But my friends were adamant that it made me look like a new person.

At first, I was flattered. I rarely get compliments on how I look. So, I was appreciative.

However, I started to develop a complex.

Did I look that bad before? Had I needed a change? Was it so much better?

Honestly, I thought it was too dark. When it's curly, my face looks pale.

I tend to not wear my hair straight. I have naturally curly hair. It's not always been that way. My hair was bone straight or wavy until 1999. When I got pregnant the first time, I had my hair cut short and permed. I was sick and didn't want to mess with it. It never went back straight and has gotten curvier since. So, I'm more inclined to go with its natural curl.

I've been wearing it straight a lot the past few weeks. If I lok so much better, why not right?

I kind of hate. Not my hair. The response. I hate that it's made me feel even more naturally ugly. I hate that the general population can make me feel uglier than I already do. I didn't even know that was possible.

I know that nobody set out to intentionally make me feel this way. They were all trying to be encouraging. Collectively, that wasn't the case.

Really, it's not my usual MO, but I'd kind of like someone to tell me it looked better before.

Isn't it crazy how one picture on social media can have such a profound effect on how you think or feel?