Praise You in the Storm

It's been one of those weeks. Nothing terrible has happened, but I'm plagued with all the little things and the past. I'm coming off a week of being sick and can't seem to get back to full speed yet.

About every night, I've dreamt about babies and pregnancy. Last night was the worst.

My dream started with me about to have an abortion. I was 20 weeks and certain that the baby would die anyway. My husband convinced me to not do it. We went from there to a sonogram where we learned we were having a healthy baby girl.

This maybe the first time I've ever had a dream when the baby was a girl. I felt her move and we were starting to discuss names when I woke up.

I love and hate these dreams!

These recurring dreams are directly related to the amount of processing I still need to do with this baby stuff.

Needless to say, last nights dream capped off an already crappy week. It's made today difficult. My body and mind wants to go back to that dream and make it real.

I've had a tough time being alone today. I had to resort to a basic skill to speak truth to myself.

As a very new christian, I was paired with a woman during a mentoring program. She was supposed to be a mentor, but she was certifiably bat shit crazy. I'm sure that's the medical term, look it up. Despite her crazy, I learned a lot from her husband. Valuable lessons that have helped me reshape my idea of family and love.

She taught me one thing. She taught me sometimes you have to physically speak truth to yourself, even if it looks ugly.

She told me that when she couldn't hang onto truth any other way, she would head to the tub. She'd lock the door, sit in a hot tub and sing Praise You in this Storm at the top of her lungs.

The concept was to drown out all that was stirring in her heart and head, speaking truth to herself.

Not very often can I quiet my crazy mind enough to make that work, but I did today.

In the shower (don't visualize that, eww), I had to repeat aloud the basics of what I believe.

I know the Lord loves me.
I know Jesus is with me.
Cling to what is good.
I know the Lord loves me.
I know Jesus is with me.
Cling to what is good.

Over and over.

It's hard to stop my whirling head long enough to get the words out. But when I do, the hope is that the words will leave my mouth and penetrate my heart.

I think the most frustrating part of any bad week or difficult time is that what you know to be truth isn't what we hang onto. It's that miscommunication between your mind and heart. You know the truth but can't live as if you do. Oh so frustrating. And always a relief when you get a respite and can grab hold of that truth.