Discouragement

I don't know the Websters definition for discouragement, but I can give you the definition it takes in my life.

First of all, let me say the perpetrator is always satan. Satan is at the core of every ounce of discouragement in my life.

So in my life, it's satans small voice that speaks lies straight to my heart.

My problems, big and small, will never be overcome.

I am completely alone, nobody knows. Nobody cares.

Something bad will always happen because I'm not worthy of good.

Do you see a pattern? Satan uses those things directly from my past to bring me down now.

I'm not sure I'd call everything in my life a problem. Yes, there are trials and some are far bigger than others. There are some problems, but those are usually self inflicted. This year has been full of trials and problems. Some are so personal, I've not shared them here. Some have been so incredibly painful and so shameful, that they've stayed between my husband and I. There are things so big that I'm not certain how our marriage survived or continues to survive.

We have several things ahead of us that will be difficult, maybe even life altering. We ignore them at the moment because good or bad, it's too much to think about. The crazy part of it all is that when I'm not discouraged, I know I have nothing that hasn't already been overcome. I know the Lord has a plan for my life and nothing will happen outside of His will. Not so easy to remember that truth when satans voice is touching on my deepest securities.

Satan drives me to hide. Hide how I feel. Hide what is going on in life. Outside of what I write here, I don't typically share what life is shoveling my way. I do what everyone else does. I smile and claim everything is fine. I do it because satan convinces me that nobody cares. I'm left with that false sense of being alone. Like I must face everything alone. With a husband who's depressed, it amplifies the idea I'm alone and have been most of this year. Why? Because satan has a better chance of defeating me when I'm completely alone.

I know I'm not alone. I have friends I can call in KC, although it's difficult for me to be honest when I'm not face to face. I have two people here in Ohio that I trust enough to be honest, but I am fearful. Fearful that they won't stick with me if they see the stuff in my life. I have my husband, but he's got very little to give right now. This is also worsened by the holidays.

Jesus is always with me, I'm never truly alone. Its easy to feel so distant.

We have an incredible opportunity to try to conceive a child. I'm fulfilling a 20 year dream of finishing school. I'm on my way to answering a call to help people in intimate ways. We've overcome a mountain of debt. We are on a path that could give us our every hearts desire. Satan whispers into each positive thought that I don't deserve any of it. Each of these things will end in pain, loss, mistakes and failure.

 I'm not worthy. I deserve every terrible thing that happens to me and I need to expect it. That's the message written across my heart. Those are the messages my dad built as my foundation. I constantly wait for things to fall apart. It's the source of my growing anxiety right now. I've had more anxiety the past couple weeks than the rest of the year.

In early January, I had a full blown anxiety attack. As I fought to catch my breath while talking to a friend on the phone, she finally got to the bottom of why I was anxious. It was because things were going so well that I was anxious about what had yet to happen. It took a few weeks, but I soon learned the other shoe dropping came in being uprooted and moved.

I can't say that the truth is that I deserve anything good. Honestly, I don't feel I do. However, the truth I know is, again, that the Lord has a plan for my life. Nothing happens outside His will. Moving to Ohio wasn't the end of everything good and familiar, but the beginning of something even better. I don't know what is going to happen. That anxiety is real, but I wish God's plan was more real to me.

Discouragement has settle in for this season. Anxiety and loneliness and overwhelm. It's all there and I've little energy to not let it defeat me, not right now.

I rarely ask for feedback, but how do you fight discouragement? How do you combat those ways satan threatens to bring you down?