So many babies 2

Some of my posts are written days in advance. Not all, but some and that's why there's occassionally two a day.

Since I wrote the previous post, I haven't slept.

I spent a good 5 1/2 years processing memories from the past. Lots of counseling. Lots of therapy. It was hard. It took a variety of methods. But, most all of the past had been drug from the jumbled files of my brain and talked through.

That was followed by a year of learning how to manage everyday life with PTSD. Even though you process your stuff, doesn't mean the trauma, the residual side effects go away. My trauma was so vast that I it is unlikely that I will ever not deal with PTSD on some level.

But that year, I spent a lot of time learning to live with it. There's several things I've had to learn. One is how to talk truth to myself when things trigger me. That's not easy. I've had this discussion recently. Someone asked me if men touching me, hugging me, or walking behind me was a trigger. No. Not at all. It used to, but it's huge growth for me that none of it bothers me now. Things that trigger me are obscure. The smell of black licorice or sawdust, basements, seeing belts or extension cords and box fans to name a few. They are way obscure.

I've had to learn to manage anxiety. That's been the hardest, partially because it requires asking for help. I know when my anxiety is growing. If I don't ask for help soon enough, I end up in a full blown attack and meltdown. I hate asking for help though. To be fair, my anxiety has greatly improved. It's only once in a while it gets out of control. I'm also getting better at asking for help, but still hate it.

All that to say, I was in about the best place I could have been when we moved. I knew I would need to establish something with a counselor here just to manage the once every 3-6 weeks when I needed to talk through stuff.

There was no counseling available here who were christian and on our insurance. So, I got on a wait list for a secular office. That scares me. I've had other counselors suggest divorce and I don't want that. Their views aren't necessarily mine. I got off the wait list early and was offered an appointment. It was while we were out of town. I had to decline and restart my wait. I'm now wait listed again until at least June.

Thankfully, my minister has helped me through tough times and managing some anxiety.

Here I am now. When I left KC, I knew I only had two things left completely unprocessed. Very hard. Very dark. Very hidden things. Two things that had never in any form been fully processed in counseling. They weren't anything that had surfaced, they were buried. Maybe to never come out. So I thought.

This baby thing has obviously surfaced. Like with stuff in the past, when it surfaces I have little ability to put it away.

The problem is that I don't have anyone to talk with about it. I don't have anyone to listen to the story, tell me exactly why it was wrong and evil, then remind me it's completely over and I'm ok. I don't have that now. This is the first time in over 7 years that I don't have someone to sit down and work through this kind of thing.

That's left me to try to do it myself. I am failing. I can't sleep. Don't have an appetite. Can't get some of the graphic images out of my head. I am miserable. You'd never know, because I'm a master at hiding how I really feel. For the most part, I can put a mask over even the deepest pain. It's a gift and a curse.

The insomnia and nightmares are the worst. The insomnia will effect me in big ways if it doesn't stop.

In a way, I'm glad that one of the two issues has surfaced. I want complete healing for myself. The only way to get that is to fully process even the deepest and darkest memories. That I only have two of those left is awesome. The other thing that's awesome is that once I've talked through it, it's done. So I have to be excited that even as painful as this is, I'm almost done.

I'd like to add that this is another reason I feel called to become a counselor. There's not enough availability here. I've called and talked and begged. There was absolutely no availability for christian counseling. It was only after a member of our church suggested it that I met with our minister. I'm not minimizing what he has done. He has been amazing through my grief and adapting and anxiety. He's been easy to talk with, be honest with and I trust him.

This sucks, but I'm almost done. The other thing may never, ever surface. But for now, I deal with this.

My prayer, Lord please open a door to allow me to process this. You know. You know how desperately I don't want to lose one more day to the evil of the past. You know I want to be functional. You know this insomnia has potential to unravel me. You know I want to start this journey in school with a clear head.