Bell's Palsy

I know I shouldn't, but I'm having one of those "what are you thinking, God" mornings. I know my life is relatively simple compared to others and things could always be worse.

This past weekend, I came down with Bell's Palsy. It is the second time in five years. According to the doctor, I have very active chicken pox virus triggers. Since I live in an area where people (the Amish) don't vaccinate, there is always some disease going around.

Bell's Palsy is an inflammation of the facial nerve caused by a virus. The virus is suspected to be a remnant of the chicken pox virus and the same which causes shingles.

When the facial nerve is inflamed, it stops working. This causes one half of the face to stop working. This nerve goes into the face and ear. The entire side of the face droops and a variety of problems arise. The worst pain is in the ear. There is an excruciating pain that shoots inside the ear and around to the back side.

Beyond the ear, the pain is minimal. While the face isn't numb, it's not painful. The eye is the only other part of this that is painful for me. My eyelid does not close when I blink, so it gets incredibly dry. Dry eye can cause pain and corneal ulcers. For now, I make sure I physically push my eyelid closed as much as possible and use eye drops routinely. The opposite side of the face does get a bit worn out for over compensating and it's tiring.

The worst part isn't the pain, it's the mental wearing.

As you can imagine, this touches on so many of my anxieties. When it comes on, there is a fear of stroke. Loss of movement on one side of your face mimics the first signs of stroke. Thankfully, it doesn't take long to see that besides your face, nothing else is affected.

There is also the anxiety and fear that it will never return to normal. I remember last time going 2 1/2 weeks and thinking this would be my life.

My first signs were probably last Tuesday. I woke up with my tongue feeling funny. It felt like I had burned it on one side and everything I ate tasted funny. However, I couldn't remember burning myself. It seemed to get better but still be present the next few days. During that time, I thought I was getting an ear infection because I had a terrible pain. Friday morning, my right eye felt funny, like it was smaller. By Friday night, I could tell that my face was shutting down. Saturday, I had a little movement in my brow and by Sunday, nothing worked.

But mentally. Man. What a nightmare.

It is hard to do anything. My vision is blurry. The eye that is dry waters non stop or is blurry from not blinking. The other eye hurts from compensating. I won't drive right now because I don't feel it is safe with blurry vision and my one eye is light sensitive. School work is difficult because of the vision problem.

My house is filthy because I have no energy to do more than I am doing right now. When I say dirty, it's probably not what most people would consider dirty. It's dusty and there are dog toys every where. The dining room floor is dirty from paw prints that have walked through the mud and snow. The kitchen stove needs cleaned and there is clutter laying every where. So, dirty for me.

Usually, my husband would pick up the slack but that isn't happening right now. He is just now starting to get over his cold and has worked a lot. He is also dealing with some emotional aftermath of losing his co-worker and woke up last night with an ear infection.

I'm not sure anything is more difficult than looking in the mirror. Half my face looks like a brick. There is no movement. I wipe away the watery eye and then the drool in the corner of my unintentional frown.

Eating and drinking is horrendous. With your half your lips not working, it is almost impossible to take a drink without some of it running uncontrollably back onto your shirt. It's all water for me right now. Thankfully my husband is a good sport. I have to eat with my mouth open so that I don't choke. I can chew on the right side, but can't move food around. Evidently your jaw is not affected by the facial nerve. I'll spare you the details, but eating is messy and I have choked a few times.

I feel a bit forced to be homebound right now. Not that anyone would judge me, but I certainly want to spare them.

Yesterday, I did go to the doctor. I had and will be having electrical stimulation done on my facial nerve for the next five days. I don't know if it will help at all. Since the treatment yesterday, I have had twitching in my eyelid and lip. I hope that is a good sign.

For now, I fight the pity party. I fight my desire to sit and cry until it goes away. I know it could be worse, but it feels pretty bad right now.