There's significance in the word alone. We have been here exactly nine months. Alone is how we have spent most of our time here. With the exception of Christmas Day, we have spent good and bad times alone.
Here is the other reality for us. If we were still in KC, we wouldn't be spending Sunday alone. Five of the last six years, we have joined friends to watch the Super Bowl. If we were in KC, we wouldn't have spent most of the last nine months alone. We would have had friends with us through it all.
Obviously, this really isn't about the Super Bowl.
When we moved, I was excited. My husband's contract was for two years. He came here wanting to do his time so we could move back closer to his family. I didn't do that. I came in wanting to make this my home. I didn't want to put limitations on myself or potential relationships. I worked on my husband.
For months, he didn't feel like this was home. I spoke directly to his heart. Begging him to embrace the community and to make friends. He has finally done that. He is starting to feel connected to this area and now reminds me that this is home.
We have really flip flopped and it makes me sad.
I don't fit here. I don't belong here. This place is not my home. I am finally ready to begin a countdown until we can move back to KC.
I suppose there has been a little bit of dishonesty in some of what I have previously said.
There has been truth in what I have shared about the number of relationships I have developed. I have one female friend. Although I'm not a very good friend in return, so we really don't talk much. the minister and his wife are super sweet people and have been kind to us. We consider them friends as well. My husband has made some great friendships with guys at work.
That's about the size of it.
The truth is that the struggle has been harder than I've let on or even imagined it would be. When I say I don't fit, I'm not kidding.
I've said over and over that everyone here is so nice. After nine months here, I can tell you that the majority of my experience has not been so. Here is truth from my perspective.
People here don't seem to like outsiders. We aren't welcome. People don't go out of their way to get to know us or even make us feel welcome. They are even less welcoming once they've gotten to know us at all.
The past few months, I have experienced more rudeness than kindness specifically directed at me. No kidding. This week was particularly awful. I had the entire spectrum of ego, attitude, poor communication, and flat out being treated as if I were not human.
Of course I'm disheartened. It is discouraging to want to fit in and love this place but to be slapped in the face every step of the way.
I have finally reached my threshold. The point when bad outweighs the good.
It is evident in most areas of my life. I don't want to leave the house. When we do, we go to Dayton or Chillicothe. We drive an hour away for the simplest things because there is no connection to this area.
This will be my third week sitting out of church. I don't even have a desire to go back. The worship and preaching is good. Don't get me wrong. I miss that part. But it's hard for me to feel like such an outsider. We have an older man who shakes our hand and one or two people who might talk to us or say hello. We aren't oblivious. We watch others hug one another and have heartfelt conversations. It's not lost on us that we aren't loved that way. We walk away each week knowing we are growing, but feeling lost.
I'm not placing blame. It is possible that this is the Lord's way of not letting us get comfortable. I am also not naive enough to think that this couldn't be His way of preparing our hearts to be changed and for us to see God's glory.
That doesn't negate how difficult this is. I feel like I'm a stranger in a foreign land. Its uncomfortable and I don't fit.
Until the Lord moves or shoves me in another direction, the countdown is on...it's 15 months.
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