Im Not Strong

At least not as strong as everyone thinks.

I kind of get tired of hearing people tell me that I'm strong. They hear parts of my story and assume that it was my strength that somehow got me through.

Not true.

My past broke me. My present continues to break me. When I feel strong, I'm reminded how weak I really am.

I will probably continue to say this for years to come, but 2014 (and the first few days of 2015) was the hardest year in our marriage.

A relocation would have been hard on anyone, even the most stable and even if they had nothing else happen. The simple truth is that our relocation wasn't all we had to deal with. I don't need to enumerate it all again.

It was the most emotionally stable year of my life. Maybe On the surface, I looked strong. I can buy that. But make no mistake, that year broke me and is still breaking me.

I had to leave an entire support system. We left friends and family, which was hard enough. But my support system. A group of people that it took years to accumulate and trust. It took years for them to understand me and learn how best to help. I can't emphasize enough just what I had to leave. I had to leave an extension of myself behind, all my comfort and understanding.

Friends. My friends back there are still there, mostly. We just aren't as close. Here, I still only have two friends. When loneliness sets in, like it has, I am acutely aware of just how few friends I have here.

The loss of two babies and now my family has devastated me.

I'm not strong. I'm completely and utterly broken.

This past week has been hard. The culmination of it all has set in and I've fought anxiety and depression.

By the time my husband gets home from work, I am nearing hyperventilation. It takes hours to calm down, hours to feel normal again.

I have PTSD. I'm going to be prone to anxiety when things are abnormal or stressful. That's right, I have a legitimate stress disorder and that means I don't process stress in the same ways as an average person. That's not strength. That's brokenness.

This is one of those times when I cannot wait for heaven. I cannot wait until my strength doesn't matter and there is no more brokenness. I cannot wait until the day when there are no more tears, no anxiety, no PTSD and no depression.