I'm a Failure

Socially. I fail. Failed. Failing.

It took a long time for me to transition into a social person. I used to require hours and hours each day of time alone. I didn't like crowds or groups. I never had a desire for relationships.

Then, I learned that beyond a relationship with God, we were designed to have relationships with others. It was a complete change for me. I slowly began to want relationships.

It was a tough road. I had to learn the hard way that friendships are best when formed organically and not rushed.

Over the past few years, I finally developed many friendships. Some surface, some intimate. Those deeper, intimate relationships are where I thrive.

I know I've said it before, but I've struggled here in Ohio. I've struggled to have patience and discernment.

A few months ago, I thought I was on the right track.

Our church has small groups and bible studies. I was participating in them and allowing myself to be vulnerable. It's what I believed I needed to do to develop relationships.

Backing up a few months ago, I made a huge mistake. I shared my heart, my concerns. I allowed myself to be vulnerable in a group of people who had so easily spoken their minds for months. I trusted.

The very next day and following week, I realized the horrific mistake of made. Without going too far into it, I'll say this particular situation got out of hand. It spread like wildfire and I quickly knew I was not in a group where it was safe to share my heart.

Honestly, that's not on them. It's on me. I got too comfortable.

I think by now, it's blown over with everyone except me. There's still fallout for me. I can't undo my natural instinct to withdraw. My ability to be vulnerable was injured and that isn't easily repaired. Despite my best efforts and prayer, I can't put myself out there right now.

That's painful. It's left me in this place where relationships are limited. I'm not thriving, I'm hiding. At church, I sit quietly beside my husband during services and studies. I don't initiate conversation. I head straight to the car the second it's over.

I'm fearful of saying the wrong thing, scared of vulnerability.

It all makes me very sad and lonely.

I know, I can't have it both ways. It's not possible. My desire to protect myself is far stronger than my need to relationships. Obviously. But it's painful. I know it's difficult for anyone to understand. The best explanation I can give is that you tend to self protect faster and more completely when you come out of deep childhood pain and trauma.

Here's a painful truth. I've failed in every small group I've ever been in since becoming a christian.

In the beginning, I failed because I wasn't healthy enough to function in a group of people. Then I failed because the sheer size of the group was overwhelming and again, I wasn't healthy enough. Then, I failed because the group began to fall apart. Then, I failed because we were leaving the church.

My success has been so minute that it doesn't count.

Coming here, I was excited for small group bible study. I was healthier and ready for the interaction. I couldn't wait for it to begin. But once again, I've failed.

We've discussed it and I've prayed about it. I can't return to our small group. It's incredibly painful. Not only because it's another failure, but because I so desperately need interaction with people.

I know I've disappointed my husband and myself and probably everyone who put effort into including us in the group.

But I just can't. I'll never be comfortable and I'll likely struggle with trust.

It's hard to admit. It's not an easy decision. These are all very nice people. Again, they aren't the problem.

I'm hoping my husband will continue. He also needs the interaction. It'll be tough to send him out the door every Sunday evening. It'll be a reminder that I'm a failure. It'll be a time of loneliness.

My prayer and deepest desire is that I can trust and be vulnerable and these walls can be let down. I know I've taken a few steps back. I hope overcoming this, like any setback, will bring me out more confident and healthier on the other side.