Snowflakes and Quiet

Yesterday was Monday. The Monday after three weeks of hectic planning, doing and regretting. I wasn't motivated. Four extra people in my house for eight days means my house was a disaster. There was laundry to do. Christmas decorations to put up. But I couldn't touch it.

My day consisted of a pre snow trip to the store and a nap and heating up leftovers for dinner. I left it all be. I needed a day of peace to recharge my emotional battery.

Today, well today is different.

I woke up to severa inches of snow and it's still coming down.

It's beautiful and quiet and pure.

Emotionally, I'm still a mess. But the peace surrounding me gives me a bit more motivation.

There's laundry going. The Christmas decor is ready for the trek to the garage. The kitchen is back to normal. Pillows, blankets and board games are back in the closet. The bathroom is once again sparkling.

As I watch the snowflakes drift to the ground and listen to dogs snoring, I am struck by something very real.

I'm alone.

I'm happier when I'm not alone.

I'm extremely happy when their are children in my house.

It's a realization that I have come full circle. I know, it's not a knew revelation but when compared to my entire life, it's still relatively knew to me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not idolizing people or thinking that my happiness is somehow totally dependent on having people near me.

I am sad tht after eight months here, I'm still an outsider. I have a couple friends, but only one trusted female friend. This is still a new place and I'm struggling to fit in. I don't have a lot in common with the women here and I have nothing to share when they start talking about children or childhood or the people/things in the area. I'm not sure that's going to change. I think I have to prepare for a season of loneliness. I will say that I have a new respect for new kids in school.

Despite the really tough time with my brother and the disrespect and the lack of common courtesy, I enjoyed having my niece and nephew here.

I loved their presence. The times when they laughed and played games were amazing. Even the times when they fought and bickered and wouldn't quit picking at each other were wonderful. Having them here have my house a fullness that it is always missing. A little more cleaning, cooking, dishes, patience, it was all worth it.

We don't have to have a baby for our family to be complete, but our family feels incredibly incomplete with just the two of us.

I've always said I was not a kid person. I'll stand by that a bit. I don't like to be in masses of children. I'm still not cut out to take on 50 kids all at once. But my desire to have and raise children has never been stronger.

I happily trade watching snowflakes and the quiet for a house full of bored children or entertaining a group of friends.