Challenging Encouragement

At the end of our bible study this week, our minister gave us a challenge. His challenge has brought me to my knees asking for a change in my own heart.

His challenge was for us to encourage someone to use their spiritual giftedness. Seems simple enough, right?

I love a challenge, but I love encouraging people even more.

Currently, I am in a season of feeling discouraged. Not uncommon, I've been through them before. We live in the middle of nowhere. Really, nobody knows me and I don't know them. The number of people who could encourage me in helpful ways here is minimal. My husband has a little bit broader base of people because of his job.

All that to say, I know how much it means to be encouraged. I know what it is like to be encouraged to utilize the gifts I've been given. One of the most satisfying ministries I have ever been a part of was the women's at one of our previous churches.

The women's ministry leader plugged me into areas where I could be used. Sometimes, I hated it. Who really wants to always be in charge of feeding large groups of women? I mean come on, women are picky and bitchy. However, by stepping into open roles and proving myself, I was able to work into roles that I enjoyed a lot more. Not an easy thing to do.

When I was leaning toward going back to school, I called a string of friends. One after another encouraged me to use what the Lord has given me, both in gifts and experience. It made the decision easier to apply. If they had discouraged me, I would have had to pray through it even more than I did.

Needless to say, I was happy to encourage someone. Therein, I hit my wall.

Because of physical distance, I have been distanced from most of my friends in KC. It's understandable. Almost nine months away and I really have no clue outside of social media what is happening in their lives or how they have changed.

Here, I don't know people. I have a lot of acquaintances through church or who are neighbors. I have two people I would consider friends. Both of those people are using their gifts daily. Not that they don't need encouragement, but this type would probably be lost of them.

It is a punch in the gut each time I inadvertently realize just how alone I am here and how real the struggle is to develop relationships.

In a completely unrelated text thread with someone, I explained again how and why I failed with our small group and why it still affects me now.

Honestly, I wept through the entire message. My double ply walls are up and nobody is getting in and I remain restrained. I realize that the pain in self inflicted, but the fear of offending someone or being hurt is far greater.

I know because it's been said to me that others consider this a pride issue. It's not. It is thoroughly based in fear. I pray about this. I pray for the fear to be lifted. I pray for a comfort to be transparent with people.  The only thing not directed at me specifically is when I pray for the people around me to be accepting of me even when I have different views or ideas. Accepting of me, regardless of whether they agree with my thoughts or not.

My husband laughs at me every time I say I wish I had lots of girlfriends here. He knows me. He knows how hard that would be for me to do successfully. He knows that I am more like him than the average woman. And yet, he knows I enjoy deep conversations and relationships with women.

It was a fair challenge offered by my minister, one I wanted to take on. Even when I am the most discouraged, I can easily be an encourager. But I'm not sure I have the resources to do this one. It is a sad day when you realize you don't know anyone enough to know what their gifts are and how to encourage them.