So I did what I do best, I shut down my emotions. There were no tears, nothing extra, just numbness.
It was too much. I'd been in high emotion for three days and couldn't function one more day that way.
While sitting there, I reached down to scratch my arm. The light and angle was just right to see the scars imprinted on my arm.
They are always there, but I don't always see them. With the freckles and long sleeves, I forget they are there. Honestly, the freckles blend so well that I'm not sure anyone ever sees them. But they are there.
Sure, there are some from a variety of mishaps and abuse. But most of the scars on my arms are self inflicted.
They are thin, shallow lines. Reminders of how I used to handle high emotion.
Yes, I was a cutter.
It started as a teenager, slowed down in adulthood and then came back with a vengeance about seven years ago.
As a teen, I'd break something glass like a bottle and cut parts of my body that the outside world couldn't see. It wasn't for attention, it was for release. My world was chaos and I was in constant pain. The only thing that would alleviate the pain others inflicted on me was to hurt myself.
I know it sounds crazy, but so is living the way I had to when I was young. I don't expect everyone to understand this behavior.
When the dam broke seven years ago, I was overwhelmed with pain and emotion. Cutting was the only relief I knew.
Again, I don't expect anyone to understand what I am about to say. Most of the cutting I did from 2007-2012 was done in a dissociative state. Meaning I did it, but had no memory of it after because of dissociative amnesia.
During those years of learning about and processing the suppressed memories, I easily became overwhelmed. It was more than anyone could handle. Flashbacks and reforming my understanding of my childhood was hard. It was probably one of the toughest things I've ever had to willingly put myself through.
In those times of flashbacks and memories, I couldn't handle it. I wasn't equipped. My pain would push me into running, trying to get away from it and not understanding that I couldn't.
It wasn't uncommon for me to take off driving for hours and be found at the lake by my husband or counselor/friend. They would often find me cut and bloody, crying and ready to go home.
I can't emphasize enough that this was very normal for the abnormal life I was living. It also led to me not being allowed to drive for five years.
The last time I did any cutting was early 2012. I started driving again on a limited basis in mid 2013. By the end of 2013, beginning of 2014, I was back to driving at my discretion. Then and now, I know when it's not safe for me to drive. Not that I fear those episodes, but I do still have insomnia and I understand it isn't always safe for me to drive.
As I sat in church looking at those scars, I was able to understand how important growth is to me.
This past year has and continues to bring me high emotion. It's one for the record books. I don't need to go over it all again. And I'm certainly not over it all yet.
What happened with my brother was like a final straw for me. The cap for a long, difficult year.
The emotions are certainly overwhelming me. I don't have anyone to help me process those in healthy ways. The pain is there and I don't want to feel it. I would give anything to relieve the pain.
I'm not sure what to do. However, I know what I won't do. I won't start cutting again. I won't start drinking or abusing drugs again either. That is a part of my growth that I'm not willing to let go of and take a step backward.
I have learned that the relief is temporary and the pain always comes back. It comes back and I have the added shame of the cutting. I'm not willing to go there.
My scars are a reminder that I have begun to look to God more and try to self medicate less.
Instead of self harm, I've learned to pray. Pray for comfort, for relief. Pray for healthier ways to let go of this overwhelm. Pray that this year brings some semblance of normalcy. Pray for what I can't change. Pray for protection from old ways of thinking and behavior.
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