Disagreement

By the title, I'm guessing you already understand that I disagree with something. Maybe it should be labeled lack of understanding or even "How Could You God?"

Looking at today's page in Grace for the Moment, I felt a firm disagreement and lack of understanding coming over me.

Yesterday was my birthday. A tough day for me that is always filled with reminders that my parents did not want me and definitely did not deserve me. And yesterday's devotional was so appropriate for the day. All you who put your hope in the Lord be strong and brave. Psalm 31:24

But today, the day after my birthday, this is what I found.

You made my whole being; you formed me in my mother's body. Psalm 139:13

Here's where the WHY God? kicks in for me.

A struggle...no full on fist fight....with the idea that God knew my parent's and knew me before I was born, yet chose to create me for them anyway. How can I possibly accept that I was not an accident when I have been told over and over and over by my own parents that I wasn't only an accident but not wanted?

There are many things I have learned from the bible. There are a good portion of them that I have wrestled with and a good portion of those, God has showed that His word is powerful, good and right.

But this is one of those first questions I asked and probably the one I struggle with the most.

My own inability to have a child has kept me from truly knowing and grasping the fullness of God's gift when he gives a child to a mother. I can only imagine that the size of the gift is immeasurable. I can also only imagine the desire I would have in me to love and protect such a gift.

It is my own parent's inability to love and protect that led to my infertility.

Through only a short explanation, I come full circle back to my original thought. WHY GOD?

No matter how hard I try to understand the purpose behind God's choice for me, I cannot.

I have learned that some people become very uncomfortable with the idea of questioning God's choices. Just as I have learned that those same people get squirmy uncomfortable the second I mention that I strongly disagree with the idea that God doesn't make mistakes.

While I struggle with this often, there is one thing I am positive of all the time. It will ONLY be God who will change my heart on this. When that day comes, it will be a powerful work in my life. The day God finally wins this struggle will change my life. It will be a day when the value of my entire life changes. I don't know how that will happen or when. But if it is supposed to happen, God will make it happen.

Just as I can explain the decisions I make even when others feel they are a mistake, God can too!