No Words

Warning to the reader...this isn't a happy, warm, fuzzy post about some huge God moment in my life. It isn't a complain about everything that's wrong in my life either. It is a flow of honest emotion about one facet of my life right now.

No matter how hard those around me try....no matter how hard I try, there is a communication barrier between myself and the rest of the world.

Do not mistake that for me saying that nobody ever tries to work through that with me. I think several people do try and continue to try once I have long given up. I know several people around me have tried their best to understand me. But the truth is, how can they?

If I think about a mother who is distraught over a sick child, I could not understand her pain. Why? Because I have never been a mother with a sick child. While some people can identify with some of what I deal with, I know nobody who can truly understand what my life is like. Why? Because they have never been in my shoes. Most of the people around me have never seen or dealt with someone with issues like mine.

Wow...that's a hard one to take. People don't understand me because I'm different. I am not different by choice but by default and I hate it.

So, how do I communicate with people who don't understand? Really, how do I communicate with people when I don't understand?

I would love to be able to tell each and every person exactly what I need so that this season in my life could be made easier for myself and everyone around me. But the truth is, I can't.

Deep inside me is buried an anchor of independence. I must operate in the idea that I do not NEED anything from anybody. If I tell anyone that I need something, then I become dependent on them. If I am dependent on them, then I am at their mercy. I CANNOT do that to myself.

Each and every person I was dependent on up to the age of 23 hurt me. I don't mean a hurt feelings kind of hurt, but a feared for my life, abandoned and tortured kind of hurt. No way am I going to open myself up to that kind of hurt again, therefore...I will not NEED anything from anybody.

If you know me at all, you know I am dependent on everybody for every need that I have right now. I must rely on someone to do most everything I want to do. You maybe able to imagine the tug of war I have inside me over having to and not wanting to...but that's probably another blog post altogether.

Even if I could tell people what I need to get through the rough times, I don't think I could. My intricate little mess inside my head shuts my mouth down every time I even think about sharing what I need.

So...that leaves me wanting and needing to just sit in my own misery, by myself. If I can't ask for help and people don't understand, then why go through the pains of trying and failing? I would rather stay in my secluded little world. That method managed to keep me alive for 35 years, why wouldn't it work now?

There's only one fault in my master plan. It's worked, but obviously not well or I wouldn't be here again.

How do I know what I need? How do I figure out a way to really communicate that? How do I know who really cares to know what that is? There are no words beyond, "I don't." But why does that answer hurt too?

Times like now take me back to a time when I truly thought my life was going to end at the hands of an evil man and I ask myself....What was I so afraid of? What did I really think I had to live for?