a blog post that needed a neon flashing sign warning the reader of true feelings being expressed in colorful terms, this is it! All joking aside, if you think this is going to be a poetic outline of how God is good to me or some lesson I've learned...then you might want to go surf the net for something else.
The number one point to all that I have to say, is this...I'm PISSED OFF!!!!!!
Let me clarify my feelings about this a little. It has nothing to do with my lack of faith or belief in God. I believe God knows how I feel. AND...before anyone dare judge me or offer some half witted advice to "just hang in there, it'll get better", I'd invite you to take a walk in my shoes for a couple days.
First, I haven't had my keys or drivers license for nearly 18 months. That means that I must rely on somebody else to get wherever I need to go. That means that I am at the mercy of everyone around me to do things that I have to do. Don't get me started on being able to do things I want to do or just feel like doing. If I need a gallon of milk or a can of hairspray, I must find someone who can take me to get those things. That tends to get difficult when I have a husband who works two jobs.
And why does my husband work two jobs? I haven't worked in over 18 months either. No drivers license, no car keys equals no work for me.
Before you get the wrong idea, let me clarify something else. I haven't lost my driving priveledges because I got a DUI or any trouble at all for that matter. I'm a level headed, grown woman. So why don't I drive?
The truth is that for years and years I lived through unbelievable amounts of abuse. I say unbelievable because out of all the people I have met who have abuse in their background, I've never heard anyone share anything remotely close to the horrific things I went through. In fact, they are things that make the national news when they happen or you would only dream of seeing in horror movies.
Because a bunch (and it is likely on the 100s) of assholes have decided to do horrific things to me throughout my entire life, I developed a shitty disorder. I describe it that way because there is no cure, no medication and at times, it's like living in an alternate universe.
Not only do I not drive or work, I get very little time alone. And why? Again, thanks to this shitty disorder, I am often a danger to myself. If you know me personally or spend any time with me at all, don't freak out. I'm not a danger to others. Sadly, what a bunch of assholes did to me makes me want to take it out on myself and nobody else. And if you think that I am a huge danger to myself, just know that I am monitored by those few people who are closest to me. I live in a house where all glue, toxic liquids, knives, medications, and anything dangerous or ingestible are locked up. That would fall into the list of things that makes my husband's life shitty having to live with someone like me. But that's another blog post all together.
Another reason I'm pissed is because I live in this little bubble where few people even know what I go through on a daily basis. A few more people are aware of the disorder and even people closest to me struggle to understand it. Even I struggle to understand it. I think it's easy to hate myself when I don't understand myself.
Why do I live in a little bubble? For my own protection is what I say. But really, I stay in it out of fear. Let me tell you something. I lived in a bubble for over 30 years. In that bubble, I told everyone that I grew up in a normal family and life was great. Yes, that bubble was the bubble of bullshit.
My bubble wasn't to protect me, it was to protect everyone who hurt me. It was filled with shame and those words that I heard over and over..."you can't tell anyone or you will get in trouble." See what I mean, it was bullshit. It was shame. It was lies.
The bubble now really is the same thing. I stay in the bubble so nobody knows. If nobody knows about my disorder, then they don't have to deal with it. If nobody knows, I don't have to worry about them treating me differently. If nobody knows, then I don't have to worry about being misunderstand. Again...another bubble of bullshit.
It's a bubble of hey I better keep this to myself so that nobody else has to deal with or accept something that is hard. Staying in this bubble is again living with the shame of what someone else did to me. I didn't cause this disorder. I didn't want it and wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I have to hide it now? That's bullshit!!!!
Since I am primarily at church or home, those most likely to be told or find out are professing to be Christians. God says in the bible to take care of those who are sick. If someone can't handle a diagnosis (and yes, that's an admission that I am sick but not in a physical way), then why should the burden of that fall on my shoulders? If a Christian cannot handle being around someone with an illness, mental or not, then that's between that person and God...NOT me. That's a reflection of how they love people, not on how unlovable I am.
While I'm right there, I'd like to add that just because someone is sick doesn't give anyone a green light to take advantage of them. If you've ever taken advantage of someone with a decreased mental capacity or incapable of taking care of themself, then shame on you. I realize the majority of people haven't done this, but I've been on the receiving end of this and it only makes life even more jacked up. For people who do hurt those who are already hurting or sick, then all I have for you is a giant middle finger.
I live in an isolated bubble because of what all the assholes have done to me, keep getting hurt physically, emotionally, and mentally, and I've had basic adult priveledges taken away from me for months and months. Put yourself in my shoes and tell me you wouldn't be pissed off.
I don't drink or do drugs, although I think that would dull the pain and pass the time. I don't intentionally hurt others, even though the walls I put up to protect myself may make me seem like I do. People have been pointing out to me for the past two months that I seem sad or depressed. NO SHIT! Looking at the big picture, being pissed off is all I have right now to express just how frustrated I am.
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