Here I Am Again

If you have read more than one of my blog posts, you could make the assumption that I am bipolar or manic depressive but I'm not.  Some people have accused me of being intently negative and I don't believe that to be true either.  Maybe it is because I am no longer afraid to say what is true.  That's an improvement over not being able to do that for over 30 years.

So here I sit again today, just me and my thoughts.  I have to admit, it's not good either. 

A couple days ago, a friend asked me a question that has stuck with me.  Calling this person a friend might be a stretch.  She has been through some tough times with a mentally ill family member, which I believe led to her putting me on the spot.

She asked me how I lived with myself knowing that I continuously hurt those around me.  She followed that with asking how do accept that fact that someday I will likely snap and put everyone in danger.  Her last and most damaging statement was that I am always responsible for my actions even if I have no control over them.

I could be angry, but I can't.  I have to look at this for what it is.  Someone being honest with me.

She is right.  I do hurt those around me.  In fact, I hurt those who care the most.  It isn't on purpose, it just happens that way.

Even I have great compassion for my husband.  I hurt him the most and he is my main caregiver.   He sacrifices for me.  He constantly forgives me.  He gets tired and beat down from having the weight of his life and my life riding on his shoulders non-stop.

How do I live with that?  Honestly, I don't think I can.  I have tried to live with that, always excusing myself by saying it wasn't in my control. 

I know I haven't been completely open in this blog with what my actual issue is and I'm probably not going to be now either.  What I will say is that it is not a short-term problem and something that will never go away.

That is what makes the big picture even darker for me.  I don't have children.  I have a spouse that I make miserable.  I hurt those who get close to me.  It's too hard to take repsonsibility for things I have no control over in my life.  I can't live with the idea that someday I could snap and hurt those around me even more.

I can't live with it.

I can't live with myself.

I can't live with any of it anymore.

This is pure, unedited honesty.  This is not a cry for help, I don't need it.  Here I am alone, sitting on rock bottom again.  This is where I will stay so that those around me will not be hurt by me ever again.