Nope...my little train can't.
I might be reaching the point of desparation in the daunting task of pulling my butt off this downward spiral I am in currently. It isn't that I'm afraid of being depressed or that this is something new to me.
Most years, I'm standing on the other side of January 1st thinking, "whew I made it." The holidays are always difficult. With the exception of last year, I don't remember ever having an ok Christmas for as long as I can remember.
Last year was unique, which I think could be making this year even more difficult. This time last year, I was wrapped up in a friendship that offered me something I had never had. The whirlwind activities of November and December filled my mind and heart with a block from the normal slope of emotions.
This year there is no buffer and now I also am left to grieve what was lost with the end of that same relationship, adding even more emotion.
I am TRYING, I really am. I feel like I have to reassure myself that yes, I am doing everything I can.
Even music isn't working right now. I have tried to listen, but the words can't seem to wiggle around the walls that keep them from penetrating my head and heart. Listening intently to songs which have taught me or spoke deeply to me at one time only bring me to tears now as I can't register one bit of it.
One of the songs I go to in the worst of times is Third Day's "Cry Out to Jesus." Because I'm struggling to understand or believe in prayer, even my go to song isn't working. There's nobody to cry out to when you don't believe anybody is listening. So, I just cry.
I absolutely hate feeling this way. I hate being a depressed, anxiety filled mess going into each night, wondering if daylight will come or if I'll step into another day of darkness.
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