His Little Sailor

Most husbands come up with cute nicknames for their wives.  Some of my friends are called "Sweetie" or "Baby" or "Babydoll."  I won't lie, on occasion, my husband will call me babydoll.  Truthfully, the one he uses the most is "His Little Sailor."

Nope, it isn't because of a cute little story from when we were first dating.  I wish it were.  It isn't because I love boating, even though I do.

Yes, it is because of the filthy language that falls from my mouth all the time.  And believe me, I don't say that with any sense of pride.

Before I go any further, I have to acknowledge that there is a high percent of the foul language that is directly associated with the disorder I have.  (not turrets in case you were wondering)  That's not to dismiss the fact that I do use my fair share of cuss words.

I don't do it because I like it, it just happens.  Growing up in a home where four-letter words were capitalized, punctuated and flowed naturally like a gushing waterfall, I believe it is in an inherited behavior.

My family had no filter, no sense of right and wrong, so I'm sure it doesn't surprise you to know they had limited vocabulary outside of slang and swearing.  I mean good grief, my mom walked around naked and my grandparents were fine connoisseurs of raunchy, low-budget pornography.  Why would they ever feel compelled to limit their swearing around young, impressionable children? 

I obviously live my life much differently than my parents or grandparents, and well...pretty much my entire family.  I never tried smoking, which is almost as rampant in my family as abuse.  I was able to turn away from the drug and alcohol use, which has plagued so many in my family.  But this one, not so much.

I don't purposely swear, it just happens.  It isn't like I use it in every sentence, but definitely more than I would like.  You would think it would be a constant struggle to be mindful of my language in church, but interestingly enough, it's not. 

When I am in church, it doesn't seem to be a problem.  There is no effort that I have to intentionally make to keep from swearing in church.  It's not even that difficult to control when I am outside of church and around friends from church.  Now, I'm not saying that is because those around me use filthy language because they don't.  It's just not hard and it rarely happens.  In fact, I would say it happens only when there is a certain level of comfort with a person AND there is an increased amount of emotion regarding a particular subject being discussed.

I wonder sometimes why it can't be that easy to not use that language at home.  My husband lovingly corrects me or redirects me to another way to phrase what I am saying.  Sometimes that is helpful, others not so much. 

As we talked about a semi-unrelated topic today in bible study, I had two thoughts about  this and each one led me back to the work of the Holy Spirit in me.  I know, pick your mouth up off the ground...I said the work of the Holy Spirit in me.

The first is that I, and through no effort of my own, have developed a filter for church.  I obviously did not learn what was right or wrong in church from my family or until I started going to church five years ago.  It wasn't self-taught, how could it be?   It was the work of someone far more powerful than I to put in me how to act in church and how to have respect for a building and the people in it.

The other thing I realized is that while I am ashamed of the problem, the potty mouth, the ugliness of sin in my life that I really don't have any problem admitting that I'm not actively pursuing an end to...I don't have any shame in admitting that I have sin in my life to others.

There is no shame for me, no worries of judgement from others...even though I know some may be very judgemental when I do share a particular type of sin with them.  The fact is that we all have sin in our lives.  Nobody is sinless.  Honestly, admitting that I have an ugly sin in my life and hearing others admit they do to, well....it just makes me feel more a part of those around me than anything.  It normalizes a life that feels so abnormal most of the time. 

Truthfully, I have a long list of things that I need to work through before I ever get to that icky foul mouth of mine.  Until then, I will just enjoy knowing that God has brought me a long ways and still has a long way to go with me.  Oh yea, and I'll still be my husband's little sailor...for now.