The Sun is Down

When my mother-in-law was diagnosed with dementia, one of the things we suspected would follow is the sun downers.  That's where the person is way worse and more forgetful at night because they have used up all of their energy and have nothing left.

I don't know what that's like, but I think I have my own sun downers.  When the sun goes down, things spiral out of control.  It is about as predictable for me as the tick of the clock.

At night, I'm left to figure things out myself.  Most everyone I know is sleeping the night away by the time I am in emotional turmoil.  There are times, I desperately need someone I can talk to.  But theirs nobody to call.  Really.  There isn't anyone who knows my situation well enough who I can call in those desperate times (at least not anyone who is awake) to help me refocus or talk me through my anxiety attack. 

For me, it really is similar to my mother-in-law.  I have exerted every ounce of energy I have during the day to make myself appear normal to the outside world.  By what should be my bed time, I have nothing left.  Unfortunately, there's an even bigger blockade to just being able to lay down and go to sleep. 

Again, this is another place my psychologist is completely useless.  He can tell me why night time is worse than any other time, but he can't tell me how to make it better.  I suspect, he too, is sound asleep while my world is rocking.

He says that night time is the worst because the bulk of my abuse happened at night.  That is true, I believe.  It was a nightly ritual to be abused in my home as a child.  My dad would go to bed at 6:30 pm (you'll understand why in a minute).  My brothers went to bed by 9 pm and me by 10 pm.  My mom was the last to bed, usually by 10:30.  As soon as my mom was in bed, my dad got up.  He'd abuse me in all sorts of ways for hours before heading back to bed.  I would usually lay in a lifeless lump on whatever floor he left me, not sleeping a second.  I'd lay there until I had enough energy to crawl back to bed, usually about the time the sun came up. 

It is probably an understatement to say this was a ritual several nights every week.  It probably isn't that hard to believe the sun going down triggers a deep sense of agitation and fear.  Unfortunately, doing it alone every night feels eerily similar to laying in that lifeless lump every night. 

I'm exhausted with this cycle.  I can NOT wait for it to dissipate or even stop.  I'm ready to have a pattern of normal sleep and less emotionally charged nights. 

In a way, I have far more compassion for my mother-in-law than most others could who don't have the sun downers problem.  If you know someone with dementia or Alzheimer's and deals with sun downers, have compassion for them.  It's an awful cycle that you don't have control over!