Christmas Card from Hell #2

On December 6, 2011, I wrote a blog post called "Christmas Cards from Hell."  It was the day I received my only communication from my dad's parents.  It ignited some pretty strong emotion in me.   Last year, I was angered and hurt by the impersonal signature.

Oddly enough today, December 6, 2012, I received my once a year communication from those same grandparents. 

For the first time ever, there was a small paragraph written in the card.  They actually asked how we were doing and hoped we were doing well.  They shared that my grandpa will be having a knee replacement this week.

I think the small paragraph was almost as painful as nothing at all.  You would think that I'd be happier with something instead of nothing.  The truth is that it's all painful.

Did it take six years for them to figure out that they haven't seen me at a family dinner?  Has it really taken six years to notice that they haven't spoken to me? 

When I spent a few hours with my brother this summer, I was excited that the visit was beyond my expectations.  In the smallest part of my heart, I've tucked away this tiny bit of hope that the holidays would some how be different this year. 

For reasons too numerous to list, I know additional contact with my family would be unhealthy.  Extended contact with them would come with a very high price.  Being near my parents intentionally could easily unravel five years of therapy and progress.  But, I still held onto to some unrealistic hope that I'd go through the holidays with some semblance of family.

So, it's good and bad that nothing has come of the wonderful visit I had with him. 

This part of the holidays doesn't seem to ever get any better.  In fact, it only seems to get more and more painful.  Probably the only thing that improves year after year is my ability to hide that pain from those who know me. 

I just don't know if I can bare to go through another unstable, highly emotional holiday seasons.

Of course I know that Christmas is all about celebrating the birth of Christ.  The family element comes in second in priority during this time of year. 

It's just sad that this time of year that should be focused on birth and family, I spend so alone and wishing I'd never been born.