Giggles

Not mine, but I hear giggles.  My 12 year old niece sits on the floor giggling and bantering back and forth with my husband.

A last-minute plan to have her for a few days of her spring break brings a short reprieve to my season of darkness. 

This is the first time in a couple months there has been laughter and smiles in our house.  Oh, how that has been missed. 

There's a whole lot of additional pain that comes with having my niece here and I'm doing my best to slide that onto the back burner for now.  There will be time to feel those very real heartaches once she is back home.

We spent the day doing busy things.  Craft store.  Grocery store.  Salon.  We did a months worth of errands all in one day. 

I feel absolutely guilty and a little vindication.   The anxiety, depression, darkness...it's still there.  I feel terrible that my mood keeps me from giving 100% to her while she is here.  This is only the 3rd time I've gotten to spend time with her in 6 years.  It's terrible that I don't feel up being the fun-loving aunt she wants and deserves.

For anyone who believes depression and anxiety can somehow be overcome by an act or willing it away, I'm living proof you cannot.  It's not something I have a choice in and this is proof.  Of all times, I would choose right now to escape from it in healthy ways and I cannot.

I'm learning that when you have someone staying with you, it's even harder to hide the pain.  It's gut-wrenching to hear the concerned voice of a 12 year-old asking if you are ok when you know the pain is written all over your face and there is no place to hide.

I'm trying, trying so hard.  I'm trying to let the giggles penetrate the cover of darkness.