It is a notable accomplishment for me to be sitting in church for the second time in three weeks. I should be happy with that, but I'm just not. I'm not unhappy either. It really has little to do with emotion at all.
I want to be here or I wouldn't be. I didn't sleep last night so I certainly had a viable excuse to stay home, again. I have finally reached the point where I miss what little I used to get from church and have a desire to have it again.
Wouldn't it be easy for me if that would all fall into place after I overcome the other issues that have been roadblocks for me. I mean things have literally happened over the past few weeks that have paved a road clear to the front door and I've only had to walk through it. I couldn't have asked for it to be easier.
But as I sit here, I realize I have yet another hurdle in front of me. Another obstacle to get over before my time here can be meaningful. It's my own and its big. It's really two-fold.
This is one area where my disorder is painfully obvious. Most of the time, I get nothing from listening to preaching or corporate worship. There's a block that I don't want to go into right now, but its real and hard.
That problem IS unique to me and my situation, but the outcome is not. Regardless of the number of people I've asked, I've never found anyone willing to take the time to summarize the sermon for me. That leaves me with a high level of frustration.
Lets face it, there are few people who will continue to willingly put forth an effort to do something when they continuously feel it is useless. I'm no different in this. If you don't get anything for your effort, you simply just give up after a while. I'm not talking about perseverance here. There is a possibility it will be this way the rest of my life. So, it's not just a test.
All that said, I have a serous disconnect from the church service itself. When the actions are always the same and you don't hear the content which does change from week to week, it's like sitting quietly and watching the same movie repeatedly.
We sing two songs. Someone preaches a mini sermon. An offering is taken. We sing two more songs. Someone reads scripture. The pastor preaches. We sing another song. Someone prays. Up. Down. It all happens in a scripted way. Everything is pre written. The guys speaking or praying talk in ways they wouldn't normally because they are reading what is written.
The songs don't make sense. I typically sing along only once or twice through the entire service because I'm not familiar. The words just don't connect for me and I'm usually good at dissecting music.
Rinse and repeat.
It's disheartening to hear people be able to connect and be enriched by their time at church. I'm happy for them. It's not my story though.
So I should be happy to be sitting here. I should be ecstatic to see the mountain I've climbed just to be sitting here. But I'm not. I want more. I don't want to sit in a foreign film without subtitles every week and walk out frustrated over the time lost. That's simply not satisfying.
If you search your heart, I'm sure you'd feel the same.
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