A few days before a blogpost, I usually have some idea of what's on my mind and what needs to come out. Not this past couple weeks. It's been a roller coaster.
I suppose that things started to take a nose dive about the time of the last post. The disappointment of the kids not coming to visit was just the beginning. In hindsight, it was probably good they weren't here. My past two weeks have been filled with one medical appointment after another.
Two weeks ago, I had to make a trip to the ER. I'll spare you the graphic details, but I thought I was going to die. I obviously didn't, but it started a whirlwind of doctor visits and tests.
Bloodwork and initial tests in the ER showed that I had an abnormal growth pattern in my uterus. My hemoglobin was low and I was weak. I would have an emergency visit with a gyno a couple days later. The upside was that my bloodwork did not show any abnormalities in white or red blood cells, indicating that I wasn't fighting any infections and didn't show any immediate evidence of fighting a major disease.
My appointment would lead to more tests, biopsies. At that time, I honestly wasn't worried. This was the same steps that happened prior to my diagnoses of adenomyosis over seven years ago.
In the meantime, my tear duct infection made a roaring comeback and forced me to a local eye doctor. Since it was recurrent, I had to start a round of high powered antibiotics. No fun. Two rounds of those, increasing in strength, has left me with even more tummy trouble.
I also had to make an appointment for November with a dermatologist because a suspicous black spot showed up on the back of my arm. To add to that fun, I am going to need to see an ENT soon because my positional vertigo is back with a vengenance.
Any wonder why I feel like I am suddenly falling apart?
Don't get me wrong, it was sweet of people to check to see if I had gotten results from my biopsies. However, I realized that others were far more concerned than I was. Insert sudden onset of fear right here!
In addition to all the other issues, the biopsy process only worsened the problem that sent me to the ER in the first place. Miserable!!!!
On Wednesday morning, I received the call I had been waiting for....sort of. It wasn't the doctor, it was the nurse. She said that I now needed to come in to talk to the doctor because the course of treatment had been changed. I begged her to tell me if it was cancer and of course she could not clearly answer that.
Why is it that when bad news comes, you are always driving? I calmly called my husband and then immediately began the wailing, hyperventilating cry. I love my husband. He was so wonderful to take off the rest of the day to stay with me.
Later that day, we sat and listened to the doctor as she explained my results in her very broken English. Let me just add this funny. Uterus in broken English doesn't sound anything like uterus, but more like some made up word for some kind of snake.
I digress. She explained that there was no evidence of cancer. However, the tissue samples were abnormal and may contain precancerous cells. She said because of that, she needed to transfer my care. She said if I chose to not get any treatment my entire life, those cells had about a 10% chance of developing into cancer.
Now we wait to see a specialist in another city. We aren't sure exactly what treatment will be, but know that hysterectomy is on the table. That's another discussion for another time.
I think if I weren't in so much pain right now, I would be far more excited.
There are a few things I have gotten out of these past two weeks.
Being really sick has grounded me a little bit from my normal worrying about every little ache and pain. My hemoglobin wasn't low enough for a transfusion, but it was almost low enough for IV intervention. It was also low enough to make me very weak and very cold. My goodness, I'm just now wearing only one shirt to bed. I'm still not sleeping well because of pain, but I am exhausted most of the day.
When it really matters, I'm not alone. My husband has been there when I needed him and when I wanted him.
I have the Corrie Ten Boom quote between our bathroom mirrors that goes something like this...You never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have. This whole process of moving and falling apart has tested my faith beyond what I realized. I was angry. I was hurt. I blamed God. I felt like I was being punished. However, laying on an ER table, completely weak and feeling as though you might die before anyone helps you, you realize that Jesus is all you have. When the sounds got distant and the people got blurry, the only thing I had was Jesus. Either He would walk me through this or I would see Him soon. I know, I wasn't that close to death. But, I was probably weaker than I have ever been in my life and probably more scared than ever before.
Honestly, I don't know where all of this is going. I don't know the outcome. I don't know what the plan is for any of the other looming health issues. Goodness, please pray for us. Our plates are full and running over right now. And, we are here to go it alone. Just us and Jesus and those who encourage and pray for us.
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