Thorn in my flesh...

First of all, we have found an amazing church and pastor here in Ohio.  I cannot tell you how much we feel at home and how it is evident that God meant for us to land there.  In fact, the reason for our move to Ohio may have well been to experience a church such as this and restore our faith in church.

I met with our pastor today.  I had poo pooed the idea when people suggested it.  No doubt I needed someone to walk through this valley with me.  However, our more recent experiences would tell us that we are beneath pastors and they are far too busy to care about the depths of our life.

Maybe it's that this church is small or maybe because this pastor is different, but the experience today was much different.

The first thing he did was remind of Paul and the thorn in his flesh.  I hadn't ever picked that apart.

It is possible that infertility is my thorn.

It is certainly the thing that I have begged to be taken away from me.  It is the thing that is right this minute creating a wedge between me and God.  It is the thing that drives my anger and brings me to tears.

It's painful.  It hurts physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  It's the thing that keeps me from feeling whole.  It's the thing that I stomp my feet and swear that this life isn't fair.  It's the thing that makes me question the goodness of God and all I know to be true.

It is definitely my thorn.

It's so confusing.  Honestly, I don't pray about the fertility much any more.  I pray more that God remove this natural desire from me.  The one where I naturally feel led to be a mother.  I've prayed for that for years.  And, it's not been answered.

Or maybe it has.

Maybe I'm not supposed to be without that desire.  But why?

I don't know.

I do know that our window will soon close.  We literally have, fully stretched to the last possible minute, 9 months to get pregnant or the door forever closes.

As our bible study group gathered around us and had a time of prayer over us last night, I heard heart-felt prayers for us to have a baby.  I realized that even I haven't prayed that big.  I've prayed for God to lead us in the right direction.  My right direction is to take that desire away.  Why?  Because the fear of pain is too much.

My fear is that if we do treatments, they will fail or we will suffer more loss.  I can't even bring myself to think that God could answer these bold prayers that friends and strangers are praying over us.  All I can see is my desire to not hurt.

I still don't know what we are going to do.  It certainly helps to understand why this is so hard.  This is my thorn.

Now to hold onto faith while wrestling over these decisions and desires.