I suppose dropping him off with strangers was stressful and emotional enough for tears. Dropping any of the dogs off is hard for me. We've had such terrible experiences. One dog had her nipples shaved off. Another was cut and got a nasty infection. We've found groomers that have no business being in the trade. These dogs are an extension of our family. They are like children for us. We are protective and don't want anyone hurting them.
That's enough to make me nervous and a bit emotional, but that wasn't the core reason for tears.
I could use the excuse that it's just been a rough morning. It would be understandable. My husband had to make an emergency trip home today because the toilets went dry and the shower/bathtub had a back up. Our septic system had clogged and he had to fix it before we could use water for anything again. I was in the middle of a shower and washing bedding. Our puppy peed on the bed this morning.
Said puppy is also in the midst of the difficult stage of potty training. He wants to play and not tend to business. He also refuses to walk in wet grass. That's a problem since it's rained most of the past month.
It's fair to say that this morning was stressful. Probably not so much that it would leave me in tears.
Maybe I could blame it on being homesick and lonely or maybe a combo of all of the above. But I
still don't think that's it.
There's a reason and it's been eating at me a while.
Yesterday, I saw a profile view of myself in the mirror and it confirmed what I've been feeling. I'm hideous. I don't get much into what people think of how I look or what I wear. But it's been an issue for me and probably since I turned 40.
What I'm feeling has more to do with health than anything. I'm unhealthy. I'm obese. I don't have a lot of major health issues like you might think. My size hasn't yet pushed me into high blood pressure or diabetes or other problems. However, the reality is that my size puts me at an increased risk as I age. I know that and I'm not in denial about it.
For the longest time, I never cared how long I lived because I didn't have children to live for. Now, the older we get the more we plan for the future and talk about what we really want. I think about the fact that our older dogs still have 8-10 years left and our puppy has lots of years left. I want to be around for all of that.
Last week, I ran 20 feet and felt like I was going to die. I want to run and I'm so far from that.
When I got sick last year, I dropped a lot of weight fast. I've put back on 15 lbs of that. Not a lot, but enough to make those smaller clothes too small. Today, I weighed and took measurements of my body. It was disgusting. I obviously have a long way to go.
I don't even know where to start. It's like having a filthy house and it's so overwhelming that you have no idea where to start. I know I can't do it alone. I don't have that kind of will power and motivation. There are so many programs and products. I have no clue how to choose.
I know this is what's really bugging me and making me teary. Just thinking through this little bit brings me to tears.
There are baby steps, things I'm doing to change my life. It's slow and I'm not sure what will work and what will fail. I'm not sure if I will fail. I know that it has to start somewhere and definitely today.
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