It's cold out, so I'm sitting here with the fireplace going. The dogs are all sleeping in a variety of places nearby. There's Christian music playing in the kitchen and the smell of fresh bread in the air. I'm bouncing my mind between nothingness in games on the iPad and blankly staring at the flames dancing.
I began to notice this empty feeling inside me. Not that it's new, just not recognizable in my usual manufactures busyness.
We, really me, thought moving back would be a solution for all that was wrong in life. It has been in many ways. It's what we needed individually and as a family. We needed to be home.
One thing moving to Ohio did for me was strengthen my faith. With a husband who was emotionally absent the first year, no friends and little to keep me busy or sane, I learned dependence on God. He gave me what I need to get through. I wouldn't say I felt like I had an abundance of anything through that time, but what I had was sufficient.
We weren't overly plugged in to the church there. Remember, we were outsiders and that applied to the church as well. However, I had two solid years of volunteering that led into a paid position. Again, not perfect by any means, but it was enough to keep me busy.
So I had things to keep me busy that seemed ordained by God and my God. It never felt like a checklist for faith, but a legit relationship.
Church was the one area where we had zero concerns when moving. We would go back to our previous church and slide right in where we left off. Sounds like a workable plan. But, it hasn't been and it feels like we've become more of checklists Christians.
We live 30 minutes from the church. When we got back, that seemed reasonable since we drove an hour to anything in Ohio. As time has gone by, the drive seems more daunting. We easily pass 30 churches on the drive.
But we've found other things that have started to weigh on us.
The church isn't the same as when we left. They still follow biblical truth, that hasn't changed. The church has exploded in size since we first joined three years. I think quite naturally, it has lost some of the quaint closeness. While we know a ton of people there, we rarely see them because crowd sizes are so huge.
We've seen an increase in members from our previous church. Some came all at once about the time we left and others have trickled in over the past three years. The church has lost some of its uniqueness and gained a lot of our precious church. Traditions, teaching, teachers, ministry leaders, etc. It's probably easier for us to see how the church has slightly transitioned to a version of our previous church. I think it's easier to see big changes when when you aren't there for two years. Not that any of it is bad, but we do have to consider if it is for us.
Speaking of our previous church, that seems to bare some weight in this for us and not only because it feels like a very similar church. We joined this church the same week we found out we had to move. We had been there four months, visiting off and on. For lack of a better way to explain, it feels like it was our rebound church. It was a church to be away from the stuff and heal our broken hearts. We didn't get a chance to really get plugged in at all.
This church helped us head to Ohio with a much healthier view of church. We were and are thankful for that. But now we are back here and have started to question how practical it is for us. It's hard to get plugged in when you have at least an hour travel time to any class or event. Because of that disconnect, I think it's been easy to make church and faith a checklist.
We go on Sunday. Listen to Christian music. Try to be good people. Give where we can.
I haven't forgotten my need for God. But church helps connect us to God. I know it's not like that for everyone.
All of this has been on our hearts the past few weeks. I know it's Gods way of drawing us back to Him. He pushes is ever so gently out of our comfort zone. Or maybe He kicks us abruptly so we will hang on for the ride. Either way, we've gotten the message.
Last week as we talked all the way to church about this, we had no clue what was next. I mean it's easy to wash, rinse and repeat when you are comfortable. The pastor spoke later week about the importance of being involved in your community and living to to bless those around you. We both left feeling convicted that we need to do just that. In our community. We felt the message spoke to our hearts, confirming that we need to be more involved and have more than a checklist place in our lives for church and God.
Here's to more change!
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