Puffy Eyes, Broken Heart

If you've read any of my blog at all, you would know I'm not the kind of person to ask for help. I bottle things up until they explode and I'm forced to get help. 

I've called private and christian counsellors today, trying to get an appointment. I'm on a waiting list till next year and that's not going to cut it. 

There's so much that makes this loss harder. 

It's my first as a Christian. Never during the seven years of my walk with Christ have I ever been so faithful, so confident, so bound to God's promises. There wasn't a lot that could have shaken that. 

Except losing a baby. 

It's all hitting me so hard today. I'm faithful to fulfill obligations the best I can. So I baked 12 dozen cookies for happy, healthy children. There was probably a tear for every one of them. 

After all I've been through in my life, I rarely ask why me. I rarely get angry or commiserate in the unfairness of what has happened. But I am today. 

All I can think of is that we've lost another chance to be parents and it's not fair. We weren't even trying. Another lost chance to wipe snotty noses or wait on a school bus or buy a prom dress. The list goes on and on. 

This loss is devastating. My feelings certainly aren't in alignment with my beliefs right now. I don't understand this loss. Don't understand why it happened. Don't understand why we could have just not gotten pregnant again. That's the unfair part. 

The grief is overwhelming. Why in the world did God move me away from all that is good and bring such heartache? There doesn't seem to be an acceptable answer. 

Loss

I'm not unfamiliar with loss. Family, babies, friends, pets. I've lost them all. Some by death, some by choice, some by natural progression. I've said thousands of times that I'm immune to it. I suppose that's true to a degree.

I learned something at my appointment this week that I never expected. When I went to the ER in August, I was somewhere between 10-12 weeks pregnant and did not know.

It takes a lot to put that out there. Only because it's taken me a few days to wrap my head around more loss.

When you're told you can't get pregnant, you never expect it.

Really, it's kind of a messy story. In the ER, they failed to do a pregnancy test. If they had, they would have done a D&C immediately. They didn't, so I had a month of complications. Complications that dropped my hemoglobin to a dangerous 6.9 and gave me severe anemia that will take months to recover from.

I'm recovering well physically. I still get tired more than normal and I'm freezing all the time. My body temp dropped below 94 and still hovers near 95-96. Let me tell you, I quite enjoyed a 105 degree hot tub on an 80 degree day recently. Strange for me.

I realized today that my heart isn't recovering well at all. I am having a tough time chalking this one up to just something that happens.

While I am making friends here, I'm not close enough to anyone to really have a deep conversation about this. I've talked briefly to my pastor, but he's a guy. So, I spared him all the tears and emotions I wanted and needed to unload on someone besides my husband.

Oh my word, the emotions. Since there's nobody to talk to, the emotions seep out in other ways. Ok, maybe come flying out, misplaced and confusing for my poor husband. I love him, but he's just not good in those bawling, screaming fits that have nothing to do with the nonsense spewing out of my mouth.

For the record, I have contacted a local counselor. The only one on our insurance in the area. And, I'm on a waiting list until sometime next spring or summer.

I don't know why this loss is so hard. I don't know why this grief feels so much deeper.

Since Wednesday when I learned about the miscarriage, I think I've barely gotten through a few hours without crying. I want to curl up in my blanket and just stay there.

There's nothing that could've been done to stop the miscarriage at the ER even if they had done the test. Ultimately, the series of events led to the discovery of these abnormal cells. My mind fully grasps the idea that all things happen for a reason.

But my heart...my heart just isn't on board with that. My heart is aching over the loss of a baby. A baby I didn't know I had. A miracle that never really was. My heart is questioning Gods plan. My heart is angry. I want to be immune to this pain, but I'm not. This hurts and I don't know how to deal with it.

No Cancer and Never More Stressed

The final results of my surgery came back consistent with the biopsy, no cancer.  There is a small group of abnormal cells.  Those cells could resolve themselves or turn into a stage 1 cancer.  Therefore, I will need a repeat surgery in the future to check the stability of the cells.  Thankfully, my doctor seems very positive.

Another thing my doctor is very positive about is that we have a short window of time to consider and pursue fertility treatments.

The world kind of came to a screaching halt two days ago for me.  WHAT?  A baby?  Me? Us?  How? No? Yes?

I'm sick over the thought.  We had written off the idea of biological children a very long time ago.  No way it would ever happen and we it wasn't on our radar at all.  In fact, we had only recently began to discuss and pray about the possibility of adoption.  Even that was a future thing, a few years off for us.

It's a bit of dejavu.  We've been down this road before.  We went through the testing.  As young newlyweds, we tried the medications.  With no regard to multiple births or the true reality of all the responsibility of children, we charged forward through a process that could have given us our hearts desire.

That journey led to a lot of heartache and tears.  At times, the pain threatened to break our marriage.  After lots of failed attempts, we gave up.  We didn't have the money at the time to pursue IVF and so our options were limited.

Even before I was a Christian, I knew this was something that was out of my control.  I've had PCOS for many, many years.  I've had scar tissue removed from many, many years of abuse.  I've known that a viable pregnancy was beyond my control.

Now here we are.  We've been married 16 years.  He is 49 and I am 39.  We've been given this tiny bit of hope, when we weren't expecting it at all.  We have a doctor who says that if there's ever been a time, it's now.  And, we must decide to move to take a chance or decide to forever let go of the idea.

My husband.  I know he has grieved fatherhood for years.  He loves children.  I mean, he's sorta a big kid himself.  When we used to have more contact with my nieces and nephews, he was the one that made sure the house was full of toys.  I have watched him long for children and be devastated that there are none.  The older he gets, the harder Father's Day becomes.  Now, at 49, he's come to some sort of reality where he will forever be childless.

This news is still fresh for us.  So, my husband has shared only a tiny bit of what is rolling through his head with me.  Let me remind you that it took us 14 years to agree on a color to paint over the hideous pink that was in our bedroom.  This is a man who does not make decisions quickly.  When you put a time limit on him, it is not likely he will comply.  That's just who he is.

Of course, he is fearful.  He's almost 50.  He's afraid having a child at 50 is unfair to a child.  If he were to die at 70, that leaves a 20 year old without a father.  He's afraid that he won't be able to be a good dad as he gets older.  He's fearful of the responsibility.

I respect those fears, I really do.  They aren't unlike my own.  I also fear that 6 months of fertility treatments will lead to a lot more years of heartache.  Heartache that I've been able to move past and heal from over the past few years.

When I think about fertility treatments, I can only forsee pain and loss and emptiness.  Why can't I see possibility?   Why do I not look at this new hope with the end result being a baby?

I think it is because I don't yet believe that there could be anything good in my life.  My life has been hard....a lot!  Things are never easy.  As a general rule, I have experienced pain and loss more than love and joy.

As we consider our options, there is a theme that I cannot shake.  I believe we are headed down a road of not even trying treatments.  If that's the case, I will have to be ok with that.  What I can't ever be ok with is that the list of things my family and past have stolen from me never seems to end.  Ultimitely, the deciding factors will come down to that.  Where the past has left me today.  Whether it is fertility treatment or adoption, the deciding factor will ALWAYS be found in the past.

Please pray for us.  Two days in and this decision is already dividing us.  It's already flooding us with emotion and tears.  Neither one of us are ready to make this decision and right now, we aren't on the same page.

It Is Finished

Let me start with a disclaimer that I am in no way comparing my life to the life of Jesus...

When I think about Jesus on the cross saying, "It is finished," I can't help but think about the finality of it all.  I mean how much more poignant could that statement be?  Over.  Finished.  Done.  No more.

We have finally reached a finality in our lives, a couple actually.

Our KC house is finally sold.  Gone.  Done.  Finished.  Not ours.  No more.

This process has been so stressful, that you might think that we would only have feelings of joy the moment the papers are signed.  That's partially true, but not completely.

There is some trepedation.  It was our first home, our home of 16 years.  The place of our first purchase, fight, success, etc. as a married couple.  We learned to cope, live and laugh together there.  We grew to love each other well there.  It's bittersweet to say the least.

We are so incredibly thankful to have the debt gone.  To not have to pay multiple utilities for two homes.  We are excited to not have to worry and fret over the house.  Most of all, we are thankful to now only live in one place.

Even when Jesus said it was finished, it wasn't.  In fact, it was a new beginning.

The same could be said for us.  Now that it is finished, it is time for a new beginning.

We will have the ability to live a lot less stressed, which means less bickering. We will be able to save money instead of throw it at another house and a mountain of debt.  We will be able to do things we want and need to do.

I did have surgery last week.  I feel a bit of a new beginning since that as well.

I had literally felt like I was going to die.  What I didn't know was that if I hadn't sought medical attentions, I could have died.  Not only did I have the obvious physically issues, my hemoglobin was dropping and fast.

Prior to surgery, my hemoglobin had dropped low enough to warrant a transfusion.  Thankfully, the doctor waited to see if the surgery would cause it to rise.  It did.  By the time I left the hospital, it had come up from 7 to 8.  If it doesn't keep rising, the doctor is going to push into a transfusion to get me back on track.

It's crazy, but I know it's getting better.  I didn't realize just how sick I was.  My face was pale white and now has color.  I wake up with so much more energy.  I do wear down by the end of the day, but there is a noticeable difference in how I feel.  We still have to get the results next week to determine if there is any cancer, but I am feeling good.

I have to admit, I am a little lost right now.  This new beginning came so fast that I had no time to plan what was next.

Of course, I have some major cleaning to do after being sick the better part of the past three months.  I want to get back to the things I enjoy.  I want to start serving the church and church body again.  I am ready to embrace and live life here in Ohio.

Maybe Cancer, Maybe Not

A few days before a blogpost, I usually have some idea of what's on my mind and what needs to come out.  Not this past couple weeks.  It's been a roller coaster.

I suppose that things started to take a nose dive about the time of the last post.  The disappointment of the kids not coming to visit was just the beginning.  In hindsight, it was probably good they weren't here.  My past two weeks have been filled with one medical appointment after another.

Two weeks ago, I had to make a trip to the ER.  I'll spare you the graphic details, but I thought I was going to die.  I obviously didn't, but it started a whirlwind of doctor visits and tests.

Bloodwork and initial tests in the ER showed that I had an abnormal growth pattern in my uterus.  My hemoglobin was low and I was weak.  I would have an emergency visit with a gyno a couple days later.  The upside was that my bloodwork did not show any abnormalities in white or red blood cells, indicating that I wasn't fighting any infections and didn't show any immediate evidence of fighting a major disease.

My appointment would lead to more tests, biopsies.  At that time, I honestly wasn't worried.  This was the same steps that happened prior to my diagnoses of adenomyosis over seven years ago. 

In the meantime, my tear duct infection made a roaring comeback and forced me to a local eye doctor.  Since it was recurrent, I had to start a round of high powered antibiotics.  No fun.  Two rounds of those, increasing in strength, has left me with even more tummy trouble.

I also had to make an appointment for November with a dermatologist because a suspicous black spot showed up on the back of my arm.  To add to that fun, I am going to need to see an ENT soon because my positional vertigo is back with a vengenance.

Any wonder why I feel like I am suddenly falling apart?

Don't get me wrong, it was sweet of people to check to see if I had gotten results from my biopsies.  However, I realized that others were far more concerned than I was.  Insert sudden onset of fear right here!

In addition to all the other issues, the biopsy process only worsened the problem that sent me to the ER in the first place.  Miserable!!!!

On Wednesday morning, I received the call I had been waiting for....sort of.  It wasn't the doctor, it was the nurse.  She said that I now needed to come in to talk to the doctor because the course of treatment had been changed.  I begged her to tell me if it was cancer and of course she could not clearly answer that. 

Why is it that when bad news comes, you are always driving?  I calmly called my husband and then immediately began the wailing, hyperventilating cry.  I love my husband.  He was so wonderful to take off the rest of the day to stay with me. 

Later that day, we sat and listened to the doctor as she explained my results in her very broken English.  Let me just add this funny.  Uterus in broken English doesn't sound anything like uterus, but more like some made up word for some kind of snake. 

I digress.  She explained that there was no evidence of cancer.  However, the tissue samples were abnormal and may contain precancerous cells.  She said because of that, she needed to transfer my care.  She said if I chose to not get any treatment my entire life, those cells had about a 10% chance of developing into cancer. 

Now we wait to see a specialist in another city.  We aren't sure exactly what treatment will be, but know that hysterectomy is on the table.  That's another discussion for another time. 

I think if I weren't in so much pain right now, I would be far more excited. 

There are a few things I have gotten out of these past two weeks. 

Being really sick has grounded me a little bit from my normal worrying about every little ache and pain.  My hemoglobin wasn't low enough for a transfusion, but it was almost low enough for IV intervention.  It was also low enough to make me very weak and very cold.  My goodness, I'm just now wearing only one shirt to bed.  I'm still not sleeping well because of pain, but I am exhausted most of the day.

When it really matters, I'm not alone.  My husband has been there when I needed him and when I wanted him. 

I have the Corrie Ten Boom quote between our bathroom mirrors that goes something like this...You never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.  This whole process of moving and falling apart has tested my faith beyond what I realized.  I was angry.  I was hurt.  I blamed God.  I felt like I was being punished.  However, laying on an ER table, completely weak and feeling as though you might die before anyone helps you, you realize that Jesus is all you have.  When the sounds got distant and the people got blurry, the only thing I had was Jesus.  Either He would walk me through this or I would see Him soon.  I know, I wasn't that close to death.  But, I was probably weaker than I have ever been in my life and probably more scared than ever before. 

Honestly, I don't know where all of this is going.  I don't know the outcome.  I don't know what the plan is for any of the other looming health issues.  Goodness, please pray for us.  Our plates are full and running over right now.  And, we are here to go it alone.  Just us and Jesus and those who encourage and pray for us.

A Glass of Wine and 2 Zebra Cakes

Sure you have seen those Little Debbie Zebra cakes in the gas station, the little white cakes that are 50 cents.  Last night I ate two of them and drank/guzzled a glass of wine, the cheap, $3 stuff that tastes more like grape juice than alcohol.

Why?

Because I am firmly sitting on rock bottom here in Ohio.  As evidenced by the zebra cakes, there is an infinite amount of self loathing going on down here in the pit.  A pit so deep that the delectable coated cake and cream could not budge me at all.

Even as I laugh at funny that sounds, I know that at the heart of it....this is no joke.

There is no sugar coating it, things are rough right now.

For starters, I am falling apart physically.  I have some significant health issues which can only be resolved with a hysterectomy.  I'm not ready for that.  For three weeks, I have been fighting a tear duct infection.  We've both had serious sinus pain and headaches since we moved, along with stomach problems.  Our stomachs have not adapted to the hard mineral water we have to drink here and we both load up on anti gas/anti acid meds everyday.  Oh, and my hair has grown quickly but is falling out.

I suppose that stress could be a contributing factor.  We have been put under a huge amount of stress that we never expected and certainly never asked for either.

Our house still isn't sold.  We don't even have any prospects.  We did drop our first agents and now have a new one.  However, after several months of making it work financially, we just can't any more.  We had to stop paying our mortgage payments on the other house.  

I'd like to take a moment and have a full blown rant.  Why do people pass so much judgement when they find out you have a second mortgage?  We aren't the only people to get ourselves into financial trouble, lots of people do.  We chose to pay our debts instead of filing bankruptcy.  And, I would like to add, not in any time during those years or since have we ever had late payments and have never been delinquent on an account.  In fact, the majority of our $180,000 of credit card debt was from credit cards used/abused by one of my family members.  Instead of prosecution, we assumed the debt. And yet, we get judged for it now as if we weren't responsible.

Ok, back to the house.  We are now in the Hail Mary phase of this.  If we do not get our house sold in the next 75 days, we are looking at one of the following:  foreclosure, short sale, bankruptcy.  It's not looking favorably for us.  

When we moved here, we chose an extremely modest home with low payments and low utilities.  We did that so that we could recover from the 7 years of $2500 mortgage payments.  We wanted some breathing room so that we could do things like travel back home and eventually move back home and pursue more actively adoption or foster care.  Now, we face a mountain of uncertainty and what looks to be financial ruin.

Honestly, I should be in church right now.  If things worked out at all, I'd be sitting in church right now with my niece and nephew.  Keeping in mind that those two kids are my only link to family at all, you can imagine how heartbroken I am that they aren't here.  It was a fight and a juggling act to get them plane tickets.  Less than 24 hours before they were to leave, my nephew fell down a river embankment and tore something in his knee.  I'm incredibly thankful he was not hurt worse and that he had a cell phone on him, because he was alone.  His next week is going to be filled with doctor visits, tests and determining the need for surgery.  My niece didn't want to come alone.  So, I sit here alone.

A week ago, we realized that much of my husband's depression and anxiety had been from an anti depressant he was taking.  His new doctor here got him off of it and he has turned a corner emotionally.  Over the past two weeks, he has admitted to me that he had contemplated suicide to make things easier for me.  I seriously freaked.  We have multiple guns in the house and he knows how to use them.  I'm pissed that an anti-depressant caused so much depression.  It caused that and brain fog and physical pain and six months of me having to carry us both emotionally.  I'm glad to have him back.

Probably one of the more constant and hardest things is the lack of a support system.  We are in the middle of nowhere.  There is a 3 month wait for general healthcare and a 6 month wait for mental healthcare.  I'm the outsider here.  Everyone is friendly and that's great.  However, there's not much room for me inside of the established cliques and bonded social groups.  I've tried to reach out to people the way I have learned.  Invite ladies for lunch or coffee.  No go.  They don't do that much here.  It's a foreign concept to them.  I ask questions of church leaders and ladies at church when any kind of social event is happening.  Shut out.  I get told a lot that it's for kids or just basic info with no invitation.  They truly don't know how to accept a stranger.  And, I could get on a real soap box about this too.  If you can't bring an outsider or newbie into the church and make them feel welcome...well then you should probably not by witnessing to the lost.  A lost person and outsider have a lot in common and neither will make it inside your church if you don't make a place for them.

I honestly don't know when or even if things will turn around.  I hope they do, even though I struggle with where the hope is placed.  It's lonely here in this pit and I hate it, but I'll never make it out alone.  Left to my own doing, I'll contently set here trying to drown the pain in wine and zebra cakes.

I'm Fine!

We've been here in Ohio for just over two months and all I can say is "I'm fine."  If you know me, that's my go to when I either don't want you to know how I really am or I don't have words to describe how I am doing.  Maybe that's why I have ignored the blog.

Let me get straight to the good, the bad and the ugly of life these days.

The good.

We live in one of the most beautiful places.  We really have fallen in love with the area.  Nestled in the hills of south central Ohio, we have found that most people who have always lived here take for granted the God designed beauty surrounding them.

In any direction you drive from our little town of 800 people, there are rolling hills of evergreens and trees that are centuries old.  Each road going to and from any given town is wrought with twists and turns around old farm houses and fields.  Any drive you take is a leisure drive, which is indicative of the pace of life.  

There is a heavy Amish and Mennonite presence here.  Horse buggies and children on bicycles are staple on every road.  So are fresh produce stands.  These people know how to live off the land and we reap the benefits.  Rarely do we have a meal that doesn't include something from the markets.

We couldn't be happier with our specific location.  It is quiet and peaceful.  We love our house and have made it our home.

The bad.

We should be building a life here in Ohio, but instead we are stalled.  The contract on our KC home should have closed over a month ago and yet, we are back on the market.  Unfortunately, the activity on our home has slowed to nearly nothing with no good prospects at all.  

Each month, we are eating away our savings making the much higher payment on that house along with the payment here.  Everything is double.  Double utilities.  Double maintenance.  Thankfully, some of our friends have helped us along the way with taking care of the house and yard.  

We are at a complete loss on what to do.  We have lowered the price about as far as we can and far below market and appraisal values.  Everyone has freely shared their horror stories.  The ones where the house didn't sell for two years or they went bankrupt trying to get rid of a house or it was so stressful they divorced.  We've heard them and fear we are going to face some of the same demises.

The house really could sit vacant for years, we have no control over that.  But that house, holds a lot of control over us.

Remember, we moved in here to a mess.  We still appliances that don't work.  We are still limping along.  Not that you have to spend money to enjoy life, you don't.  However, when you are pinching pennies to make sure you don't get your lights shut off, it tends to damper what you can do.  Let's face it, even leaving the house takes gas, which takes money.

The other major problem with this house is living with a foot in two places.  That one is a little more difficult to explain.  It is hard to dedicate yourself to living life fully grounded in one place when so much of your energy is tied up in dealing with a home in another state.  We are certainly ready to move on and live more fully here.

The ugly.

I'm not fine.  I've done my absolute best to stay positive and lean on faith.  In fact, I've grown a lot through this process.  

Since even before we found out we had to move, I was dealing with a very depressed husband.  Life had just gotten too big for him and had broken him.  I'm not pointing a finger or putting him down, it happens to even the strongest people.  This entire process and leaving his family and friends has been far more than he could handle.  I found myself in a position I hadn't planned.  

As he shut down, I had to step up and do the heavy lifting.  The majority of plans and decisions for this move were placed directly on my shoulders.  In addition, what was left of my energy has had to be focused on taking care of him.  Not in a physical way, but in every emotional and mental way that I could.  One of the ways I have cared for him was bottling my own emotions.  

You know what happens to a guy when he sees his wife breaking down?  If he can't fix it, he takes it all on himself in the form of guilt.  Guilt for him was being in a position that forced us to move here.  I couldn't convince him it wasn't his fault, so I put the emotion away.

You know what happens to emotion when it's bottled up and the bottle gets full?  Yep, it eventually explodes.

So, here I sit, alone and broken and shaken at the vulnerable core of who I am.

I did have a friend visit, which was wonderful and I will right about later.  That helped!

I'm scared.  I'm scared of what the future holds for us.  Will my husband ever survive this depression? Will this house ever sell?  Will we ever be well again?  I don't know.

I'm forgotten.  I've had such minimal contact with friends back home.  I know how it goes.  Out of sight, out of mind.  That's hard.  My husband definitely has a better support system in his fmaily and friends.  At any given time, he has a list of people he can call and know he is loved.  Throughout the weekend, he touches base with his dad, all his siblings and a couple friends.  All while I sit fighting back tears.  I just don't have that.  If I get contacted by someone once a week, I'm lucky.  

Our previous church is an equal disappointment.  We were so excited to find them.  The 9 months we were there, we never had a complaint.  We loved the church and the people.  I felt like we had found a home and thought I had quickly developed some lifelong friendships.  Only a few people bothered to say goodbye and nobody has checked on us beyond the first week after we left.  Sad but true, they've even started to take us off social media...as if we are gone from their lives forever.  We are both a little heartbroken over that.  We never thought this church would be that way.

I'm anxious.  I'm trapped here all day, everyday.  I am an easy target for satan.  When my mind starts to go wild with speculation and suspect, I have no power to fight.  Things get pretty dicey after being here alone for hours upon hours day after day.  The current situation we are living is not healthy for someone with an anxiety disorder and a dissociative disorder.

I'm alone.  It's tough to make relationships when you are total outsider.  Even worse, trying to make a deep relationship.  I am a minority here.  The women work all day and aren't active outside the home in the evenings.  Not only that, but most women here already have a full plate of friends and family.

Not only are relationships difficult to find, but so is mental healthcare.  When I left KC, I lost my counseling and professional supports.  We both have tried to find mental healthcare.  Because my husband is having some medication issues, he finally got on a waitlist for a psychiatrist.  However, still no counseling.  I have called and emailed all the professionals within driving distance and have found that nobody who is either qualified or willing to take me based on the complexity of my diagnoses.  I'm not even sure what to do at this point.  

I'm lost.  Even though this whole transition has brought me to a place of growth in my faith, I now feel like I am losing ground.  We pray, nothing happens.  We sacrifice, nothing happens.  We beg, nothing happens.  I have gotten to the place where my cries toward heaven, "Lord where are you?" seem to fall right back down on top of me.  Where is God?  What is it that he is teaching us that we haven't learned yet?  How much further do we need to be broken down?  We are alone, about to be financial broke and hurting.  What else does he need?  We have very little except God and even he seems to be fleeting.  

We've found a great church here.  But with each passing Sunday, I find myself drifting further away.  I find myself feeling like a hypocrit, like I don't belong with people who really believe.  I leave in tears because I want God back in my life.  

I am fighting my very natural, very human, very inherited instincts right now.  The ones where I put both feet back in the world and turn away from this difficult pursuit of rightousness and holiness.  I find myself in a place where I would rather push the bible behind the bottle of vodka.  It would be a lot easier to walk away from church and back to a life without rules. 

Just like I couldn't have predicted what the last month would bring, I have no clue what lies ahead in the next month.  It doesn't look good.  

But....I'm fine.

Still Adjusting

That is the truth in life right now. We are still adjusting.  I suppose I knew it would take a little while, but I didn't expect how difficult it would be.

Let me start by sharing what I know.

1.  Ohio is like a different world.  People and things are so different here.  I find myself just having to adjust to how friendly people are and how slow things are.  I was trying to explain to someone in KC today how rural we are and how we no longer live in a "snap your fingers" way of life.  Our bank, which is a national bank, closes at 3 pm.  If we want something overnighted, we have to have to get it to the UPS man two days before it needs to arrive.  We are extremely rural.

2.  I am afraid of the dark.  We lost electricity a couple weeks ago.  Complete blackness in every direction.  It freaked me out.

3.  The priorities in this area are not the same.  People take care of their kids, live modestly, save money and put no priority into luxury items or taking care of themselves.

4.  We are true outsiders.  People just don't move into this area.  It might be an under estimate to say that 99% of the people we met have lived here their entire lives.  We are oddballs for coming to this poor area.  Everyone agrees that what we have done would be difficult. 

5.  I'm an oddball.  I know, it's separate from the above statement.  I've not met one woman who is a stay at home mom or wife.  Every woman I have met  works.  I've been told I need to get a job just so I will fit in.  It's crazy.  There is one sweet little old lady at church that says she stayed home with her children 60 years ago, but went back to work late in life.  She's the only one who hasn't treated me like an alien.

6.  This is still hard.  Six weeks in and we still find ourselves fighting to not feel like fish out of water.  We feel very forgotten by our friends and family back home.  With very little exception, we don't ever have contact with anyone from home unless we contact them first.  It's very discouraging.  We expected some distance, but not so quick and not before we began to make some connections here.  We are homesick and heartsick.

7.  Owning two houses is stressful.  We are praying that this Friday is the day.  I know the stress of the sell on our KC house has worn us both down.  I am not kidding when I say that stress has made us both physically ill this past month.

8.  Thankfully, the dogs have now adapted to their new home and surroundings.  They play and bark just like they did before we knew we were moving.  Our oldest dog Lucy was diagnosed with hypothyroidism.  Having her on meds for a week has made a huge difference in her activity level.  I still let one of them walk to the mailbox with me everyday and we are slowly allowing them the freedom to be country living dogs.

9.  There are very few people in this town and surrounding areas who would be considered minorities.  It's crazy.  If a black person walks into the local walmart, everyone stairs.  It's so weird to me.  We sat in a bible study where someone referred to homosexuals as fags and queers last week.  It's been a long time since we've lived in an area where people weren't at least mindful of being politically correct in their speech.

10.  We live in a giant mission field.  Despite the volume of churches, we are finding that christianity is weak here.  We've found a lot of people who do church because it's the right thing to do.  Everyone believes they are a christian cause they are a good person and there are churches which support that.  I find myself wanting to lovingly encourage and correct people I talk to about the bible.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think I am expert.  However, I do know core beliefs.  With a little more comfort and confidence in my surroundings and I won't hesitate to share what I know, share what the bible clearly states.

There you have it.  There's a lot more.  However, a thunderstorm is coming which mean that we will soon lose internet, television and electricity.  Oh the joys of country living!

The Big Bounce: The Adjustment

This is probably the last big bounce post.  It's probably time to start seeing everything as normal, everyday life.

I'm not going to lie, it's been a rough transition and the adjustment has not been immediate.

We were well loved on the first few days we were here.  The neighbors left us a huge basket of cleaning supplies and wonderful note welcoming us to the area.  It included important numbers and a little about themselves.  So helpful!  Said neighbors are so sweet!  The wife was over last week and walked through the house.  She got teary seeing how different and clean it looked.  That made me feel good.

One of our neighbors is a man my husband works with and his wife.  He came a couple days to check on us and even mowed our yard the day after our stuff arrived.  His wife brought us our first home cooked meal that weekend, that we savored for a couple days.

Our real estate agent and her husband have been so good to us.  They answer questions, helped us figure out little things we didn't understand like the water softener.  They had cleaners clean and trash companies haul off the massive amount of trash.  They have been awesome!  She definitely went above and beyond.

On the downside, we've struggled mightily.  The night after we took possession of the house, I was so overwhelmed and upset.  I cried and begged my husband to take me home.  He very kindly reminded me that this was home now.  It didn't feel like it.  My friends weren't here.  My stuff wasn't yet here.  I didn't like it and I wanted to go.  I love that he was strong at that very moment.  Besides that one night, I've not had any major melt downs. 

My husband, however, has and quite regularly.  I feel so terrible for him.  He was close to his family, they aren't here.  Even though he works for the same company, he's had to go in as a new employee, learning new faces and a new job.  His work space is different, his home space is different.  In addition, he's having to learn how to do life without multiple jobs.  So much of his extra time was tied up in other jobs that he never had down time.  Now he has more than he knows what to do with.  Everything is different and everything is hard.  As his wife, my heart aches for him.  I know he longs for something familiar and I can't give that to him in big enough ways.  I know he feels forgotten and lost a lot of the time.  His struggle is driving me to prayer more than ever.

We have not had much luck finding a church yet.  I know after only three Sundays, I shouldn't be discouraged yet.  However, our options are so limited here and nothing has been even remotely worth a second visit.  Again, our faith is being tested in big ways.  Church is how we are going to build community, especially for me.

There have been adjustments for me that have been great.  I have become more focused on just being a wife.  There isn't much else to do in the middle of no where.  I do the majority of the laundry.  There are rarely dirty dishes in the sink.  Dinner is always cooked at home and I usually make sure my husband has something ready for lunch.  The bed is always made and the house is usually clean.  I feel energized by having the windows open and feeling the cool breeze.

Things are still so different in the area.  We are in a town of 800 people and we live about 3 miles away from it in the country.  The people are different.  They live a slower paced life without fear.  I was shocked to learn that most people don't like their doors.  You don't see people speeding or road rage.  People are far more generous here too.  No kidding.  In the next town over, they have some massive charities that serve people from all over this region. 

Shopping is not the same.  There is Walmart and a couple grocery stores.  We can get what we need, but not necessarily what we are used to having.  The cost of groceries are about 25% cheaper, but gas is about 25% more expensive.  We don't have a lot of options for dining either.  We have your basic fast food places, although not a Sonic anywhere.  The only chain sit down dining place we have is Bob Evans.  Needless to say, we eat at home almost every meal except once or twice a week.  I'm a bit sad.  Some friends gave us restaurant gift cards before we left and we don't have a way to use them. 

I've tried to develop a routine.  Cleaning Monday.  Laundry Tuesday and Friday.  Grocery shopping Friday.  Saturday we try to visit a larger city for things we need.

We had a couple groups of people tell us they were going to try to visit over the upcoming holiday weekend.  We were totally excited to see some familiar faces.  Both have changed their plans.  I think we both long to be with familiar people who love us.  It's hard being in a place where you know nobody and haven't built any relationships.

Each day does get a little easier.  But, it is easy to feel lost.  It's easy to feel forgotten.  It's impossible to know when those things start to get better.  For now, we take it one day at a time.  Hopefully the days get a little easier a little more often.

The Big Bounce: The House

The third and final part of our move is the house.

To start, our house in KC should close in the next 10 days.  Even since moving, we have had to jump through one hurdle after another with it.  We've had to continue pouring money into, money we weren't prepared to spend.  Lord willing, it will be off our plate by the end of May.

Our new house, well we've had some surprises with it too. 

I believe I mentioned that the previous owners trashed it between the contract acceptance and leaving.  Let me just run down the list of obscure things.

1.  There was a dog door that was never disclosed and was completely hidden during showing, inspection and appraisal.  Not in a door, but in the side of the wall.  They didn't even bother to finish it.  They completely lied on the disclosure, saying a fish tank had leaked and they had repaired but never repainted.

2.  Trash.  Oh my word!  We cleaned out 2 dumpsters full, 8 additional bags and a mountain of trash.  We were disgusted, but didn't know at the time just how much had already been cleaned out.  The neighbors, the selling agent and our agent had already walked through mulitiple times and cleaned out trash.  Holy cow!

3.  General condition.  The walls were all trashed and had hundreds of nails in them.  There wasn't any surface in the house that wasn't scuffed or ruined in some way or another.  In addition, there was mold growing on the walls.  After some consideration, we hired a professional painter.  He did the entire house in about 5 half days.  We didn't have the extra money, but it was worth our mental well being.  Thankfully, our agent here is such a sweetheart.  She hired professional cleaners to clean every inch of the place before our stuff came.  What a blessing that was. 

4.  Appliances.  The man who used to live here was an appliance repairman.  Repair he did not!  In fact in his last month here, he exchanged or took working parts out of the stove, fridge, dishwasher, gas fireplace and hot tub.  That has left us with a very expensive mess.  We only have one working burner on the stove and the oven doesn't work well at all.  Everything needs to be repaired and quickly, but we are out of funds. Ugh!

5.  Carpet.  We vacuumed and shampooed the carpet everyday until our furniture arrived.  So glad we did.  It was gross.  The carpet is less than 6 months old and will probably have to be replaced in the next year.

6.  Drainage.  On the disclosure, they said the yard had been regraded to prevent water from going into the crawl space.  That was a big fat lie!  The regrading that was done was in the ditches only.  That was done by the county because the idiot who lived here kept rolling his mower in the ditch.

7.  Structurally.  The inspection standards in Ohio are not the same as Missouri.  Structurally, this place is ok, but there are problems.  There are places that are going to have to be replaced in the flooring.  The septic system is just a mess.  The gutter drainage is beyond what we can even figure out right now.  My husband has started to dig it up, but no clue what to do.  We do know something has to happen, the gutters don't drain.  And, we are acutely aware of that since we've only had 2 days without rain since we moved here.

I am sure there is more.  My goodness, it's never a good sign when the neighbors say they will have to tell us all about it this summer over drinks by the bonfire.

Despite it all, this is home.  We've unpacked the majority of stuff.  We've decorated.  It is starting to feel like home a little more each day.  We still have a lot of things to go through in the garage, most of it is being donated. 

The move is done.  The house in KC is about done.  Now, the adjustment.

The Big Bounce: The Move

So, on April 28 (just three short months after finding out this move was only a possibility), we made final preparations for our move. 

We did final things in the house.  Take things off the walls, repair every little nail hole we could find, repaint, etc.  We went down the list and made sure everything was done. 

In the weeks before, we made our moving plans with a local company.  In addition, we had two wonderful friends who would take time off work to be with the packers and the movers.  God bless them!

We had to do things like change our address and make a plan with our relators there and finalize closing plans.

We woke up to rain the morning of April 29th.  We packed the truck the best we could, loaded our brood of dogs and said a tearful goodbye to our home.  Honestly, it felt like we were leaving a piece of ourselves.

Maybe it was the dreary rain or maybe it was just the raw emotion, there wasn't a moment of our long trip that felt ok to either of us.  I don't think we've ever had such an emotional road trip.  We drove in rain about 3/4 of the trip, with the rain stopping only through Illinois. 

It was the beginning and an end.  We took turns crying, being excited, being scared, encouraging the other and a feeling a lot displaced.

After our GPS took us on a 30 minute extra drive through a winding forest, hilly road, we finally made it to our new home at about 9:30 that night.  Driving without stopping, the trip is about 10.5 hours.  With three dogs and a husband with a peanut bladder, it took about 12.5 hours.

We did our final walk through in the house.  We were so disgusted by what we saw, but I will get to that in the next post.

For three nights, we stayed at the only hotel in the next town over.  Ick!  That's all I can say. 

Wednesday morning, we signed and took possession of our new home.  We spent the next several hours driving from one utility company to another transferring service to our name.

Meanwhile, our stuff was being packed.  We had packed up a good deal of the excess stuff in preparation and to better show our house.  However, we had left all the bigger and more fragile items.

Six young men spent about 10 hours wrapping, securing, taping and packing the rest of our stuff. 

We were told to take all valuables with us.  Either faith or ignorant bliss left me feeling secure to leave most everything except a few jewelry items, wedding photos and important paperwork.  However, after arriving in Ohio, that STUFF started to feel like a part of us.  Anxiety overload would soon set in.

At 8 am on Thursday morning, the young men would return to finish packing and begin loading two box moving trucks and the car.  At about 8 pm, they finally finished.

At 9 pm, the owner called to confirm they were starting the drive at about 9:30 pm.  Two of them would make the journey to Ohio.  We spent most of Friday a bit nervous and anxious for the missing pieces of us to arrive.

At 8 pm on Friday evening, the caravan arrived.  We were quite impressed that the 2 of them unloaded every bit of our stuff in 6 hours. 

By about 11 pm, we were all tired and losing track of what went where.  By 2 am, everything was being put in the barn.  Something we would later regret.

Despite our exhaustion, we were sad to see the movers go.  They were our last face to face contact with anyone remotely familiar.

But, we would head to bed and try to get some sleep before tackling a lifetime of stuff in boxes.

The Big Bounce: The Preparation

We finally have internet. YAY!

I obviously have some catching up to do.

The Preparation
The Move
The Home

I will see if I can get it all in just a few posts.

The Preparation.

It should probably be called Operation Preparation H.  Seriously, a pain in the ass!

There is so much to do in preparing to move.

There are just logistic things.  Because we were headed into a mess of a house, we had to leave a few days before our stuff.  We had to find people to sit for hours with the packers and movers.  Then, we had to find some friends who share our white glove ideas on cleaning to make the house presentable after our stuff was gone.

Thankfully, we did.  All is good in that area.

In the weeks and days prior to moving, we had to do all the necessities.  We had to plan for mail forwarding and start changing addresses with various companies.  We had to secure insurance on our new home.  We even had the non-essential things to do like find satellite service and internet service.

We had to figure out what to pack in the truck and what to leave behind.  I guess I should say, fight over what would come with us and what would come with the movers.  We had very different ideas of what was essential.

There were last minutes doctor visits, prescription refills and vet visits.  Last minute banking and planning.  We had to cancel services at the previous house and make some minor repairs from shelving and curtain rods we took down.

It was a crazy week prior to leaving.

We did have some extremely bittersweet times before we left.

We had a Saturday afternoon cookout with the majority of Kent's family. It was great to have that time. We needed that time.  Leaving family and friends was the hardest part of this move. We loved having some concentrated time before we left.  We even had a chance to have a nice dinner with my little brother and his wife before we left.

On the Friday before we left, some sweet friends threw us a going away party.  It was amazing.  We were so surprised by the number of people who came to wish us well and say goodbye.  It was humbling.  I don't think either one of us realized just how many friends we had. 

Much to our surprise, many of our friends showered us with love and gifts or gift cards.  We set and read each card with giant tears flowing.  I'll explain in one of the next posts, but the gifts and gift cards have blessed us beyond words. 

Honestly, it was all of the encouragement and time we had with friends and family that has gotten us through.  We know we have a huge group of supporters who are praying for us and wishing us all the best. 

6 Days Till a New Countdown

How did this happen?  We leave in exactly 6 days.  Time has gone by too fast.  It's funny how if this were a vacation, I would be wishing the days away.  Now they are going dreadfully fast and I want to throw the breaks on immediately.

Don't get me wrong, somewhere among the feelings of fear and anxiety, there is excitement and confidence.  I just struggle to find it right now.

It seems like it was just yesterday that my husband semi jokingly asked me how I would feel about moving to Ohio...to which I said, "Sure" without a thought that it could happen.

Things have been a little crazy with the houses and I have so much more to share when life slows down.  The short of it...

Our current house is under contract.  We have made it through our now second inspection.  We are waiting on the appraisal process.  I am convinced that inspections and appraisals are similar to colonoscopies.  A colonoscopy may contain less poop!  I digress.  Provided there are no problems on the buyer's end of things, we should close on this house in May.

We are moving to our new house next week.  We should be excited, but instead are furious.  The current owners have trashed the house.  This caused their appraisal to be approximately $8000 below purchase price.  Since we are now in a time crunch and because we passionately believe this house to be the right one, we are taking it anyway.  Yes, that means another huge chunk of money out of our pockets that we weren't expecting.

So, next Wednesday, we should be signing on our new house and promptly become flat broke!  We will have two days to clean before our things arrive.  We will need it.  Starting our life in Ohio broke and with a potential lawsuit isn't exactly how we envisioned this process ending.

The silver lining of it all is that we have put concentrated time, discussion and prayer into this decision.  We have bathed this entire process with prayer, as have so many of our friends.  We have seen God's hand all over the place.  It is because of that, we can have comfort that God is still in control and will still take care of us. 

I know my faith has grown by leaps and bounds through this and I've recently seen a spark in my husband's life as well. 

Starting tomorrow, we don't really slow down for...well...probably until our things are unpacked in Ohio. 

Please join us in praying for all the details of this season.  The close of our house.  The travel.  The transition.  The finances.  For us to find a church home. 

No Joke

If I'd written this a day earlier, I might have even mistaken it for an April Fool's joke.

A month ago, the ground was brown and there were remnants of snow.  Today, the grass is turning green and the flowers are starting to bloom.  It's rainy and chilly, but we are definitely in a new season.  I can't decide if we (Kent and I) are in a new season or one really long one of trials and waiting.

Let me start by saying, that we definitely are NOT those people who sold their house after having it on the market for only a few days.  I'm sitting here looking at the for sale sign in our front yard now.  Long story short...after two weeks of not being able to show our house because it was under contract, the buyer backed out.  Through no fault of our own, the buyer totally broke his contract and landed us back on the market.

Last week, we spent about 18 hours looking at over 25 houses in Ohio.  We narrowed it down to three.  Ok, really just two, but I had a favorite that wasn't really in the running.  The two houses had their pros and cons and we would have been perfectly happy in either of them.  On a whim, we had our agent take us to look at one that was only six miles from my husband's work. 

After a few minutes of walking through the house, we decided it was quite possible "The One."  We drove by again the next day and tried to picture ourselves living there.  There is already a fenced yard for the dogs.  It sits on almost 2 acres, plenty of room for a garden.  It is a newer house, built in 2008.  It met my only two requirements, big kitchen and big master bedroom.  It met Kent's only requirement, laundry on the main level.  There is no basement, but lots of storage space.  It has a huge garage and a huge shop/garage/barn.  It has three bedrooms or two bedrooms and a craft room for me.  All the appliances came with it, as did a hot tub.  Probably the most outstanding part was that we both just knew it was right and agreed without arguement.  As a bonus, the price was well below what we intended to spend and far below the appraisal.  A win in so many directions for us.

Once we took a day to think about it, we decided to make an offer.  Precisely 2 hours after the offer was accepted, we found out that we had lost the contract on our house.  Talk about an emotional roller coaster and total shift in direction.

We are in this completely wonky time right now.  This past month feels like forever.  We are waiting and waiting and waiting.  It's still been a short time, but there is so much hanging in limbo that it feels like forever.

My husband's company is expecting him in Ohio the first of May.  We are moving forward on appraisals and inspections with the house in Ohio.  We do so in faith that ours will sell.  But when, we don't know. 

There is a growing pit in my stomach for what comes after this week.  The conversations, the decisions.  We've asked our mortgage lender to approve our home loan not contingent on the sell of our current home, hoping to have some freedom in our decision making.  But even that is out of our hands at this time.  It all depends on an underwriter and what they choose for us.

We have our movers scheduled.  All our stuff has plans to be in Ohio on May 1st.  We only have so many options.

My husband can go without me and live out of a hotel until our house sells.  If he does that, we will be forced to let our little house go.  If that happens, we will be out a moving deposit, all living expenses provided by my husband's company (the only real and small benefit they've given us for moving), we will be out appraisal, loan and inspection fees.

If the loan company approves us without contingency, we can move and leave an empty house on the market.  This would work for us for about three months and again, use every penny of that little benefit we are getting from his company.  If it didn't sell in three months, we would likely be forced into a short sale.

Our last and most favorable option is that a buyer come within the next two weeks.  We can likely get an extension on closing and/or extension on move date. 

Regardless of what is next, this time is so frustrating.  I wanted to be enjoying our last month here, we both did.  Now we are on this hurry up and wait hampster wheel.  We both have faith that God is still moving in our lives and provides everything at the right time.  It's so hard to see it in the disappointments and when we look at difficult decisions.  So, we pray...Lord, please bring us a buyer for our house.

Hyper Speed

I can't help but long for the days that when I went six days between posts it was because there was nothing going on in life.

Let's see.  We put the house on the market one week ago exactly.  On Wednesday, we had four showings get scheduled.  After the last showing at 8:30, the dogs and I finally got to go home.  The next day, two showings.  We also found out that one of the potential buyers was very interested and possibly going to make an offer. 

While I was ever so grateful for all of the showings, it was very exhausting.  Having to be out of the house for 2 hours per showing and the cleaning that needed to be done prior to each one.  Wow.  I spent three days of running non stop.  That Friday, there were no showings and I was bit glad.  So were the dogs.  They had spent hour upon hour hanging out in the car. 

Late Thursday night, we received our first offer.  A full price offer.  The buyer wanted some property that we just couldn't give away, so we countered. 

On Saturday, we had two more showings and were preparing for an open house.  The buyer accepted our counter offer and the open house was cancelled.  Whew!

What a whirlwind that was.  I never thought we would be those people.  You know, those people who sold their house in three days.  I can't hardly believe how good God is to us, even in our doubt.

So now, we have to sweat out the inspection and appraisal.  Oh yea, and that little problem of not having a place to live in Ohio yet. 

Normally, I would be freaking about all of this.  I'm stressed for sure, but I'm not freaking out.  God has been so good to supply through all of this, that I am just not worried about being in control.  There is so much to be worried about. 

Probably the thing that stresses me more than anything is money.  We have to sell a house we love and buy another house.  My husband's company is not giving us hardly anything to move and nothing to compensate us.  We are over $1000 short on the move and probably another $5000 short on what we need just to be able to buy another house.  I know, $6000 may seem like a small amount, but not for us.  It's scary.  How do you trust God to provide financially in an amount that big?  It feels like a million dollars to us.  That's not even counting all the small things like the money it will take for us to travel to Ohio when we move or the money it will take to replace all the things we can't take in the way of food.  Ugh, I can't hardly think about it.

So just a summary update:

The house is sold unless the buyer walks away.
We don't have a house yet, but are going to be in Ohio next week.
This week we have my niece and nephew.
We are very short on funds.

I think that sums it up.  Lots to be thankful for and more to pray about.  We have to be out of our house by April 30th.  I am anxiously looking forward to May 2nd and preparing me for the sadness of April.

My big stuff is God's little stuff...

Today, I had a very dear friend remind me to take the time to make note of everything going on in life. 

This past few weeks have been a whirlwind.  My husband has taken back to back trips, leaving me to deal with all this house stuff alone.  I don't fault him, it's the job.  Hence why we are moving to Ohio...less travel.

It's been hard physically.  Going from morning to night non-stop on this project or that is no fun.  We had lots of help.  There were only a few days of about 14 that we didn't have someone here to help us.  My husband's brothers and dad came this past weekend to help us push through the last.  Several years of DIY home projects wrapped up in 2 weeks.  Whew!!!!

We settled on a real estate agent.  We got this incredibly helpful duo.  No kidding.  They put the for sale sign in the front yard and then spent the next hour talking through everything thing with us.

I'd like to pause from the factual part of this for a second.  Not at any time during this process have I been quite as emotional as when they pushed that sign into my front lawn.  That was the moment for me.  The moment when the emotional part of this got real.  It was the beginning of the end.  We both stood in the kitchen, watching, silent.  There wasn't a dry eye amongst us.  A bittersweet moment that I am glad I got to share with my husband. 

We did get my husband's company's official relocation package with two options for us.  We did counter their offer and haven't heard back.  We still know we are going, but are waiting to see if they will make any further concessions for us uprooting our lives.  Still a wee bit stressful for us.

So, let me just touch on that a little bit.  The offer didn't include a lot of what they promised.  We were put in a position to choose the option where we were responsible for moving ourselves.  My husband was absolutely not looking forward to renting a Uhaul and driving over 600 miles, only to have to do it again with the cars. 

The company is allowing us a tiny bit of closing cost money.  Speaking of money, yuck!  That probably deserves a post of it's own someday, but buying another house was stressing us major.  Neither of us had really financed anything since our deep debt debacle of 2007.  We were both waking up at 3 and 4 am in cold sweats worried that we were going to have to rent because of bad credit.  I was seriously having flashbacks from living in trailer houses with rats as big as dogs. 

We have been worried that my husband would have to eat up his entire vacation to do stuff to the house and move us. 

My husband walked around for two solid weeks reminding me that this move was going to put us in financial ruin.

Monday night, heart on my sleeve, I headed to bible study.  In reality, life is getting so busy that it was probably the last or close to last night I could be with the ladies.  I couldn't enjoy it.  The stress weighed me down and kept me from soaking it in.  They prayed for me, my husband and the house to sell.  I left still feeling so defeated and depleted.

His mercies are new every morning.  That's my new mantra. 

Ok, so maybe not morning, but afternoon.

Tuesday, I tore down my garden because it just wasn't super appealing with the winter brown and dried weeds.  I burned a vinyl glove into my right hand.  I was having another bad day!

Then it all turned around.  So fast, I couldn't hardly believe it.  My head is still spinning.  (Really, this fluctuation in weather is giving me vertigo.)

My agents have done an excellent job communicating and setting my expectations and educating me.  They got the house listed on Tuesday and by Tuesday evening, we had our first appointment set for today.  We ended up with four total showings for today.  Once cancelled because they overlapped and one may not have shown up.  We got great feedback from one and the other is interested.  What that means, I don't really know yet.  However, it makes my weary mind a little happier.

I've had multiple moving companies walk through and each one seemed to come in higher than the last.  I've run the numbers and it just wasn't feasible for us to move ourselves with a Uhaul and then come all the way back for cars.  Not to mention, I am not a good long distance driver when I am completely alone in the car.  Late Tuesday afternoon, I had a quote come back from a friend of a friend who owns a moving company.  With transporting one vehicle, packing, loading and unloading, he came in just $500 over our allowance for moving.  We were both elated.  We don't know where we are going to get the extra $500, but at least it's not double our allowance.

Another thing I could cover in an entire post by itself is a dear friend of ours.  She's become like a little sister to us both.  Our day to day life is going to be incredibly different being so far away from her.  She has insisted from the beginning that she be a part of the moving process.  She's been here through everything up to this point, we were both excited at her desire to make the long trip with us and unpack.  We are beyond tapped out and we were planning to tell her this week that we just couldn't afford to fly her home.  On Tuesday, we had some mutual friends offer to pay her plan ticket home.  How incredibly thankful we are for that.

My agents got me hooked up with a mortgage specialist.  They purposely sent us to someone who specializes in getting home loans for people with serious financial issues.  Of course they did, cause we talk about our credit like we are the worst of the worst.  Well much to our surprise, we have excellent credit.  AND...we already got pre approval for a home loan.  AND...we got approved for a lower interest rate, higher amount and lower house payment than we thought possible.  No more cold sweats for us!  That just made the idea of house hunting look a ton more fun too.

We can't get too excited yet.  To get into a house, we may very well use every bit of savings we have.  In fact, it's going to make it tight for us.  With all the closing costs, down payment, excess of expenses like moving...we are so totally going to be broke for our first few months in Ohio.  I don't even know how I will fill my fridge with groceries, but trust in God to provide those little things that seem so big to me.

Really, isn't that the crux of all of this?  Trusting in God.  Each step along the way, my doubt has morphed into trusting God's timing and plan over my own, obedience and then watching Him work. 

As you can see, my days are filled with highs and lows.  I've started the difficult/necessary times of going to coffee or lunch with friends for the last time (at least last time for a long while).  I'm sad a lot.  Then I get excited.  Crap, I feel like the Missouri bipolar weather girl. 

Things are so uncertain.  I'm still scared.  We both are.  We aren't sure how all these numbers are going to work and how we will make it through.  It's all big stuff for me, little stuff for God.  He's already got this figured out. 

Unexpected Difficulties

There is something I really hadn't planned for expected with this season we are in right now.  The way my husband and I would somehow flip flop on how we cope and process or what this would do to our relationship.

This is hard to share, but truth that someday I hope to look at as a time of growth for us both.

It has been one month today that I found out we were headed for Ohio.  I became immediately focused on what it would take to make that happen.  I haven't fought the idea and I have stayed incredibly positive, especially in regards to my husband.

My husband, well he lived in denial for the first several weeks and tried frantically to secure other employment.  Getting the house ready to sell wasn't a priority, now was thinking through what all was in front of us.  I suppose there are pros and cons to this and I applaud his effort.

Please don't think I am bashing my husband.  I'm not.  He's just handled all of this very differently than I have.  He's handled it how I would have a year or more ago.  I don't fault him for it.  As he so easily points out to me, he has more to lose than I do.  (I would probably argue that point.)

He is the first born who feels an incredible responsibility to his family.  From the time he started work in Wichita through our second year of marriage, he traveled home every single weekend without fail.  He loves his family and being close to them is important to him.  I love that about him.

The idea of being over 10 hours away from his family is more than his brain can comprehend and more than his heart can accept. 

His family as a whole are in very difficult days, watching his mom's mental state deteriorate rapidly.  She is currently locked in a state prior to marriage/children when she lived with her mother.  We know that the best days are behind us and the days ahead are numbered and precious.  I know it hurts his heart to even think about being so far away.

In this time; in this place, we don't know God's plan or how He is working.  We just have to trust this is right for us when all the other doors close and there is only one opportunity sitting in front of us.

All of that has made for a very difficult month.  While I find myself drawing closer to God and putting more trust in Him, there are times when I feel so distant from my husband.  This past month has brought more fighting and tears and hurt feelings and misunderstanding and even more tears than the past five years combined. 

Maybe that is one reason I am ready to go on with this process.  I long for the days prior to a month ago.  Days when our most heated discussion was what to have for dinner.  I'll trade tears for unpacking boxes anyday.

Being completely alone and afraid and weary, I did the only thing I knew.  I got down on my knees and prayed. 

If you are reading this, you are probably someone who knows us well.  I'd ask you to join me in praying for my husband and this process. 

My Prayers

So I have found that when you have people helping pack and clean, you lose track of things you weren't quite ready to put away.  Most of my journals and notebooks are somewhere in the abyss of already packed boxes in the basement.  This list is for me, but also for anyone who is following our journey and would like to pray with and for us.

1.  Peace and comfort for my husband.  He's having a difficult time with the move.  More info on tomorrow's post.

2.  Physical health and stamina for both of us.  Stress does strange things to me.  I went to bed last night covered in hives that were gone this morning. 

3.   Finances.  This deserves a post all of it's own.  We have some circumstances that are making this move difficult.  There are a variety of things that all need to fall into place quickly and perfectly or we are absolutely screwed. 

4.  The house.  We need to have the house on the market by next Monday and then we need it to sell quickly.  The faster it sells, the better off we will be in regards to #3.

5.  Our relationship.  It's rocky right now.  I'm not talking divorce!  What I am saying is that we are getting to move over 10 hours away where we will know each other.  Going into that as cohesive as we can would splendid.

6.  The package.  For a month we have waited for the relocation package.  We got it yesterday and it wasn't as good as promised.  We are going to have to try to negotiate, knowing that they are fairly stuck on their offer.  We are packing up our entire lives, we need just a little bit more to help us out.

I am positive there is and will be more, but those are priorities right now.

Packing and Painting and Painting and Packing and...

Even though I am at peace with the impending move, I am growing quite weary in the process leading to it.

By nature, I am a very organized person.  So I would of course have multiple lists of things that need to be done prior to the house being market ready. 

Day in and day out, I work on this place from the time I get up until about three hours past the point my body threatens a boycott.  Despite my best effort and the help of some really awesome people, it feels like the lists just aren't getting completed.  It's deflating to sit down each morning and only be able to check off one or two things from the day before. 

Thankfully and unfortunately, I am getting to the end of what I can do.  I know I should be doing the happy dance and I suppose I am.  There's just so much left to do and I have a super busy husband.  In fact, I had planned out every evening this week to maximize our time.  However, he got two hours notice on Monday that he had to head to Maine. 

That's the part which makes me tired and discouraged.  What makes me weary is that I realize now that all of this work, I am doing for someone else.

I'm not deep cleaning cabinets and purging because we want to enjoy a clean house.  No!  I am working my tail off so that people can walk through our house and judge me on what kind of housekeeper I am.  And, if I have done a good enough job then hopefully they will consider buying. 

Not only that, but I have to think about what someone else would like to see.  How would someone else like to see my bathroom drawers arranged?  How much space would someone else like to see in my closet or on my kitchen shelves?  Crap!!!!!  First of all, I have very different taste.  How can I possibly know what someone else is going to like or want to see?   I'm not a mind reader.  Second, EW!!!  The idea of someone nosing through my closets or drawers just creeps me out, makes my skin crawl....until I am reminded that I'm going to be doing that to someone else.  Just a creepy!

The process is kind of crazy.  Like I have said, I still cannot wrap my head around it most days. 

I can't tell you how loved I have felt by the number of people who have given up their precious time to help us.  However, I am sad that it has been all work.  Each person who walks in the door is a gift and I want to cherish it.  I want to talk with them, hug them.  It never quite works that way though.

Hopefully my weary, non-motivated mind and body can scratch a few more things off the list today.

Heart Pounding Peace

As I lay here, the only creature awake, I find myself floating between heart pounding fear and complete peace.

Since the hint of moving came up, I have felt as though God was in control and this was the plan.  I haven't fought it or ever questioned it.  While my husband spent a couple weeks in denial, I embraced the idea and began to plan.

My husband made a last minute attempt to keep us near.  He was offered a job.  I'm proud of him for trying.  As he left for the interview, I knew in my heart that it wasn't the direction we were headed.  Sadly, the company just isn't the right fit.  There is something to be said for an evil you know, as opposed to the evil you don't.

We should know this week exactly when he is expected in Ohio.  Our house is nearly ready to be put on the market.  We have a financial plan that should put us on the right track to start over in Ohio.  I have an incredible amount of peace about all of these big things.

It's all the little things that bring on the anxiety.  House inspections. House selling. House hunting. Finding my spring clothes. Seeing friends. Seeing family. Health.  All could be big things. All bog me down with anxiety.

Seriously, I often wonder who's life I'm living because this wasn't what I thought life would look like.  I'm not complaining.  It's just all so foreign.

I know as long as I'm with my husband, everything will be fine.  This is just a particularly difficult season of stress and unknowns.  It's a time of being thankful, but yet shedding tears over window blinds.  It's a time of firsts and lasts. It's a time of terrible communication and fighting, yet growing closer together. It's a time of confidently being surrounded by love, yet preparing our hearts for sad goodbyes.  It's a time of fear, yet peace.