Anger Confusion

When I try to listen to a sermon, people discussing the bible or just about anything to do with God, what I hear can only be described as being similar to Charlie Brown's teacher.  You know, that whah whah whaaahh whah. 

That happened tonight as the small group I meet with was discussing today's church sermon.  Honestly, I'm just at a point in my life that I don't want to hear and do everything I can to not hear it.  I've thought at times that it was just a phase, something I'd get over soon.  But the longer it lingers, the more inclined I am to think that it just me.  It's just a heart condition. 

There's so much I'm confused about.  There's seems to be so much hypocrisy.  The church is full of it.  The bible is full of inconsistency.  I struggle to make it all mesh in my head, so my heart shuts it out.

There's so much I don't understand and nobody who has the time or patience to explain it to me.  I spent several years wanting to soak it all up, understand it all.  I wanted to live with no gray areas, just black and white.  Now, I've drifted so far into the gray areas that I'm not sure I'll ever come back.

Don't get me wrong, along the way there has been several people who have agreed and tried to do bible and book studies with me.  I've enjoyed some and failed miserably with some and just plain given up on some. 

I'm starting to think if I ever want to experience any success or confidence, it will take a lot of discussing all the things that are confusing. People have described the bible as the living, breathing word of God. What the heck does that mean anyway? Oh, I digress...

Not an excuse but an explanation, my circumstances don't allow me to read a book and get much out of it.   Book studies don't work with me, especially if I'm expected to do any of it alone.  To complicate things, even with a genius IQ, I have a learning disability in reading comprehension.  It doesn't matter if I read something thoroughly one time or 15 times, I'm not going to comprehend what I just read. 

Wondering how I got through school with honors and tested out so high on my IQ and ACT tests?  I scan read and summarize extremely well and got by.  Want to know what the most difficult book is to comprehend with scan reading?  The bible!

Ergo...I get the most education from discussion. 

But even that's not working right now.  My selective hearing kicks in along with my ADD and I spend all of discussion time playing Words with Friends or surfing the net.

Tonight, I heard one thing...one theme.  Being angry is a sin.

I've spent the past five years with a Christian counselor and three years with a Christian psychologist.  They encourage me to be angry.  In fact, they tend to get a little bit giddy when I do get angry.

I'd like to say I was sitting with a group of peers tonight, but that wouldn't be fair to them.  There's really not anyone in the group who hasn't been a Christian pretty much their entire lives.  So, I know they know more than me. 

They all agreed.  It's a sin to be angry.  Angry about a situation.  Angry with another person.  It's all sin.  They were talking about Jesus.  He didn't get angry that he had to die for something he didn't do.  And, we are supposed to let that set the example for us.

I'm not Jesus!  I AM angry.  I just got comfortable being angry for all of the things which have happened to me. 

Now, this group didn't say that they didn't ever get angry.  I believe they were indirectly admitting to being sinners and they may have discussed this more.  However, they were pretty adamant that anger is a sin. 

What a hard, confusing thing to consider.  So, am I just more comfortable being a sinner than they are?  It took me a long time to learn how to be angry and I'm not sure I'm ready to not be.  Does that somehow make me a bigger sinner? 

But back up...why are people ok with me being angry?  It was stated fairly clearly tonight that there is nothing righteous about anger.  I'm so confused. 

Sadly, I'm right on the fence about it all right now.  I think that part of me wants desperately to know, to understand, to believe I have something to hold onto.  The other part and maybe the bigger part of me just doesn't care.

I could probably talk to my counselor or psychologist about any of this, but I don't want to.  I know what they would say.  Sometimes they are too close and I crave another perspective.

It's probably no surprise that I'm really not praying right now.  I can't.  As warped as it may sound, I'm not giving God anything right now so I don't expect him to give me anything.  But if I were, I'd probably be asking...no, begging...for him to provide someone who can help me through this.  Someone who cares about my spiritual well-being more than I do.  Someone who wouldn't be content to just watch me slip away.  Someone who isn't afraid of me.  Someone who isn't afraid of questions.  Someone who isn't moved by my doubt.  Someone who will trudge through my cynicism.   Someone who won't bail on me before I trust them enough to dig past the surface.  Someone who can accept that I have to hear things several times before I believe them.

I'm not impatient and I have no expectations of finding anyone like that.  That's why I continuously feel myself slipping away. 

God may be the life preserver, but what good is it if nobody is around to throw it to me?