Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my grief and loss of children, that I selfishly forget that I am only one half of this equation.
Today, we had a young family sit in front of us at church. They've been bringing their baby daughter with them since she was only days old. I think she's probably 3-4 months old now. Honestly, I selfishly spend a lot of times wishing this baby were in the nursery. She's a screaming, crier and it's hard to pay attention with the growing number of babies in the sanctuary.
So neither my husbands feelings, nor any regard for this baby were on my radar this morning. As we were mid worship, I looked over at my husband. I found him with his quirky grin and eyes locked on the baby.
My husband loves kids. He's the kind of guy that everyone knows would be a good dad.
It struck me in that moment, how often I forget that his hearts desire was never met. He wanted children. He has always longed to be a dad.
My fertility issues are all a direct result of the horrific abuse I've been through. None of it is him. Odd and interesting fact, him and his two brothers have all struggled with infertility in their marriages. In ours, it's all me.
We don't talk about his feelings about it often and for good reason. He doesn't ever want me to feel worse about it than I do. He doesn't want me to take on more guilt. I appreciate that. But I do know how he feels.
He holds my parents directly responsible and dwelling on it stirs anger in him that he can't hardly stand. He hates them for what they've taken from him. At times, he has felt as though this is a punishment for something he has done wrong. Outside of choosing the wrong wife, I'm certain he has done nothing to cause it.
How do you ever come to terms with that? How do you ever let go of the guilt that you are the reason your husband can't have his hearts desire?
I can't imagine what my husbands expression would be if he were holding his own child. I think that would be the sweetest moment of our lives.
We still have the option to get fertility treatments, but all the previous named issues still exist. My husband would also say that at almost 50, he's too old for a baby. At almost 40, I might be too.
While it warms my heart to see my husband smile, it still breaks a little.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Spring is here!
Finally, we have some nice weather. It's not going to last long, since the forecast is cooler and rainy. That's the birthday forecast. Cold and rainy.
We spent most of the day outside. In fact, I got a bit of a sunburn on my pale white cheeks. It was nice to be outside.
Not only did we inherit a mess inside our house, the landscape was hideous. There are literally flowers tossed here and there and nothing makes sense. It was messy. Weeds and crap everywhere. I dug up so many broken yard ornaments.
The people before us were just awful and definitely had no clue about landscaping. They covered the beds with trash bags and put mulch over the top. Crazy.
It's not done but it's starting to look better. I already know our simple cleaning and improvements are making huge improvements for resale, not that we have immediate plans for that.
It was nearly 80 degrees today and I was almost miserable. And I was super excited about that. No, I'm not crazy. I'm actually very normal.
In spring and early summer, we couldn't afford to do anything. So, this is the first chance we are getting to really invest a little money in this. I'm excited about that. It speaks to how things have changed in positive ways.
There's something more exciting. Last summer and clear through the beginning of winter, I was really sick. I had no energy and never felt like working in the yard. As much as I love mowing, riding on the mower left me in a lot of pain. I'm so glad to not have that problem now.
Because my hemoglobin was so low, I spent a lot of that time freezing. I wore sweatshirts most of last summer. If it was 90 degrees, I at least had on long sleeves. I was painfully cold all the time. I couldn't ever get warm. It was awesome to be in a tshirt, capris and flip flops and be sweating. No kidding. I was nearly giddy. It's a sign my blood levels are back where they should be and I am healthier.
During that time, my eyes and skin were so sensative. A little wind or sun and my face hurt for days. My cheeks and neck are a little sunburnt, but it'll be over by tomorrow. I'm so glad.
Even through our really nice days are gone for at least the next ten days, it was refreshing to have the past two days. It was a great way to kick off spring and head into the next week. Having things done, getting some vitamin D, I think we both needed it.
We spent most of the day outside. In fact, I got a bit of a sunburn on my pale white cheeks. It was nice to be outside.
Not only did we inherit a mess inside our house, the landscape was hideous. There are literally flowers tossed here and there and nothing makes sense. It was messy. Weeds and crap everywhere. I dug up so many broken yard ornaments.
The people before us were just awful and definitely had no clue about landscaping. They covered the beds with trash bags and put mulch over the top. Crazy.
It's not done but it's starting to look better. I already know our simple cleaning and improvements are making huge improvements for resale, not that we have immediate plans for that.
It was nearly 80 degrees today and I was almost miserable. And I was super excited about that. No, I'm not crazy. I'm actually very normal.
In spring and early summer, we couldn't afford to do anything. So, this is the first chance we are getting to really invest a little money in this. I'm excited about that. It speaks to how things have changed in positive ways.
There's something more exciting. Last summer and clear through the beginning of winter, I was really sick. I had no energy and never felt like working in the yard. As much as I love mowing, riding on the mower left me in a lot of pain. I'm so glad to not have that problem now.
Because my hemoglobin was so low, I spent a lot of that time freezing. I wore sweatshirts most of last summer. If it was 90 degrees, I at least had on long sleeves. I was painfully cold all the time. I couldn't ever get warm. It was awesome to be in a tshirt, capris and flip flops and be sweating. No kidding. I was nearly giddy. It's a sign my blood levels are back where they should be and I am healthier.
During that time, my eyes and skin were so sensative. A little wind or sun and my face hurt for days. My cheeks and neck are a little sunburnt, but it'll be over by tomorrow. I'm so glad.
Even through our really nice days are gone for at least the next ten days, it was refreshing to have the past two days. It was a great way to kick off spring and head into the next week. Having things done, getting some vitamin D, I think we both needed it.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
The Other Shoe
Waiting for the other shoe to drop? What does that mean? I know what it means, but the saying itself doesn't make sense at all. I know it means that things are going fairly well and you're just waiting for something bad to happen.
The saying is a source of anxiety and trepidation. Not just for me but lots of people. Some people constantly spend their lives on edge waiting for that next bad thing to happen. I used to fall into that cycle, but have learned not to let it control me with anxiety.
I know I've shared this before, but I had a time like that before we found out about the move. Things were going great. We'd found a church after a painful departure from our first. I was literally in a full blown anxiety attack. After a long talk with my counselor and friend, I let it go. Two weeks later, we were told of the move.
This last year has taught me a lot about not letting that fear and anxiety have control over me. Not to be cynical, but bad things are going to happen. We live in a fallen world. We are going to have periods of life being ok and even smooth. But we should also expect interruptions and tragedy. Sometimes the good periods last a long time without an interruptions. Tragedies are usually far between. But we can expect them.
One of my friends said something earlier this year that was simple and yet profound. Jesus' life wasn't easy, why should I expect mine to be. Wow! Yes!
This last year has brought us one trial after another. The houses purchase and sale. Health issues for us both. Loss. Adaptation. Injuries. Broken appliances. (I'm waiting for the heater repairman for the fourth time as I type this.)
We've learned, kind of forcefully, to live in periods of contentment and being ok even through those trials. I won't lie. Some have been easier than others. Dealing with broken appliances doesn't really compare to losing a baby. A flooded crawl space is a lot easier to work around than overwhelming loneliness.
Even in the tougher times, more emotional times, there has been a sense of calm for the most part. In those times, we've learned to lean more on each other. Probably most importantly, we've found that God sustained us through those times. Sometimes we didn't see it until much later, but we did recognize it.
What we've been through this past year would have strained any marriage and stressed even the most laid back person. Honestly, if this past year had happened 3, 4, 5 years ago, I'm not sure I would have survived. I don't say that flippantly. During those times, the tiniest bit of stress drive me to self destructive behavior and even suicidal thinking. I had no capacity to handle anything and those helping me could only pray for a hint of stability. I thank God for a couple good years of progress, healing and growth before this past year happened.
I'm thankful that the past year has helped me with some of my anxiety issues. I can't say I'm overly thankful for the path it took. How do you ever get to a point where you can be thankful for things like loss and loneliness? But I can be thankful for where it has brought me and what it has taught me.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Blue
The truth is, that's how I've been feeling. Even through our trip, I've been a little down. Nothing that's kept me from enjoying life but enough sidetrack my thinking.
When you have a friend dying, it definitely weighs heavy on your heart. I have learned the situation is a bit more dire than I previously thought. We had always been told her prognosis was ten years. So we've all expected to have our friend around for quite some time. In ten years, a lot can happen including new treatments.
I learned yesterday that the cancer has spread to her stomach and lungs. She has six months of chemo left and the. There is nothing else they can do. The chemo is, at best, only preventing a massive spread of the cancer. With her recent stroke, we know there are other complications. Realistically, our friend has months, not years.
Knowing this has put a burden on my heart to pray her prayer. Her prayer from the beginning is her husband's salvation. Her worst fear even before she knew this cancer was her death sentence, was that her husband would never know the Lord. My goodness, I'm glad I don't live with that fear. It's time to pray and expect big things because our God is bigger than we can fathom.
I want to see her, but I'm not sure that will happen since we aren't scheduled to go back until December.
This has given me the opportunity to communicate with friends back home. It makes me miss them more. It's also given me the birthday blues even more.
Like I've said, I'm not upset about turning 40. I'm upset about not being surrounded by people who love me when I turn 40. I'm not saying there aren't people here who love me. There are. They are few in number, but they love well.
But those people don't know me well enough yet. They don't know how much celebrating my birthday means to me and how much it has been part of my healing. In fact, I don't think anyone knows it's one of those monumental birthdays. So of course I'm a bit down and hoping time passes quickly.
When you have a friend dying, it definitely weighs heavy on your heart. I have learned the situation is a bit more dire than I previously thought. We had always been told her prognosis was ten years. So we've all expected to have our friend around for quite some time. In ten years, a lot can happen including new treatments.
I learned yesterday that the cancer has spread to her stomach and lungs. She has six months of chemo left and the. There is nothing else they can do. The chemo is, at best, only preventing a massive spread of the cancer. With her recent stroke, we know there are other complications. Realistically, our friend has months, not years.
Knowing this has put a burden on my heart to pray her prayer. Her prayer from the beginning is her husband's salvation. Her worst fear even before she knew this cancer was her death sentence, was that her husband would never know the Lord. My goodness, I'm glad I don't live with that fear. It's time to pray and expect big things because our God is bigger than we can fathom.
I want to see her, but I'm not sure that will happen since we aren't scheduled to go back until December.
This has given me the opportunity to communicate with friends back home. It makes me miss them more. It's also given me the birthday blues even more.
Like I've said, I'm not upset about turning 40. I'm upset about not being surrounded by people who love me when I turn 40. I'm not saying there aren't people here who love me. There are. They are few in number, but they love well.
But those people don't know me well enough yet. They don't know how much celebrating my birthday means to me and how much it has been part of my healing. In fact, I don't think anyone knows it's one of those monumental birthdays. So of course I'm a bit down and hoping time passes quickly.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Church Music
If there's one common issue we've found in all of our churches, it's been music. Have you ever noticed that? There's definitely a divide amongst the congregation on music styles.
Our first church definitely had the most diverse congregation and likewise, the more diverse music selections. Even so, there was always complaining from some direction or the other. One of the things the music pastor did very well was utilize modern versions of old hymns.
I hate to stereotype, but it's been pretty consistent. Elderly and people who grew up with hymns prefer a very traditional worship style. People, like me, who didn't grow up on hymns or in the church are far more comfortable with music they can identify from Christian radio stations. Of course, those stereotypes don't fit everyone, but that has been our general experience.
Being a brand new Christian, who loves music and has a hearing problem, our first church was a good starting point for me. The variety allowed me to connect to modern music and slowly learn some hymns. The music pastor actually had a very eclectic taste in music and the choir choices also had a lot of variety.
Our first church was the only one to offer a choir and is one of the things I miss the most. The specials he chose were some of the most memorable for me. God used some of those specials in big ways to teach me love and grace when those were foreign concepts to me. Being a part of choir was probably the most connected I ever get to the entire church and one of my favorite ways to serve the body.
Even with the variety, there was still complaining. I wasn't immune to it. I didn't like the services heavy with hymns. The music pastor still did an awesome job in an impossible position. It has to suck knowing that at no time can you ever make everyone happy. He always handled that positions well and with grace and understanding.
Some of my favorite music had been that of Soveriegn Grace. Once I learned of their troublesome reputation and impending legal actions, I had a difficult time worshipping to their music. But, I digress.
Our second church had moved in a very different direction and one similar to our church now. Leadership had explained to the worship team and congregation that in order to minister to the unchurched who walked in the door, they would need to adapt. In adapting, they moved their worship style to be very modern.
It's been a year, but our experience was that the music was a bit loud. However, the congregation sang out like any other we've seen. Everyone sang, praising and worshipping. Nobody just stood, closed lipped and tolerating the worship time. We weren't there long enough to really hear grumbling. We heard a few things, which let us know that the church wasn't immune to it.
Here's the difference that we saw though. Like it or not, everyone embraced it. They understood leaderships point of view and bought in fully. To is, it showed us that the congregation as a whole supported their leadership and wanted the opportunity to reach the lost. We loved that cohesiveness.
Because we are in a bible study with a huge swing in age ranges, we know that our current church has a bit of division over music. The leadership knows the importance of keeping a balance of traditional and modern styles. The music minister does a good job as well. As with our first church, we wish the older generation would be more supportive of moving forward. It can be a little disheartening at times to see the number of people closed lipped and tolerating worship.
I have to admit, we were shocked the first time we walked into the church and saw a piano and guitar. In the Midwest, most Church's of Christ are non instrumental. Women are also not allowed to be a part of leading worship. It was refreshing to see both in this church. Personally, we love the music in this church. It's always a great time of worship.
Ok, honestly, I've had one complaint that I've never shared with anyone besides my husband. There might be an over use of Deer Panteth song. Everyone has that one song that drives them nuts, right? Seriously though, we enjoy the music and worship at this church. When we were searching for a church, preaching and doctrine were number one and music was number two.
It's funny to me that music seems to be one of those common issues amongst churches, even if it's minor. It seems to me that there has to be a clear purpose for the music. That is going vary based on location and population. The leadership has to have a clear direction and the congregation needs to embrace the vision as long as it's biblical.
Our first church definitely had the most diverse congregation and likewise, the more diverse music selections. Even so, there was always complaining from some direction or the other. One of the things the music pastor did very well was utilize modern versions of old hymns.
I hate to stereotype, but it's been pretty consistent. Elderly and people who grew up with hymns prefer a very traditional worship style. People, like me, who didn't grow up on hymns or in the church are far more comfortable with music they can identify from Christian radio stations. Of course, those stereotypes don't fit everyone, but that has been our general experience.
Being a brand new Christian, who loves music and has a hearing problem, our first church was a good starting point for me. The variety allowed me to connect to modern music and slowly learn some hymns. The music pastor actually had a very eclectic taste in music and the choir choices also had a lot of variety.
Our first church was the only one to offer a choir and is one of the things I miss the most. The specials he chose were some of the most memorable for me. God used some of those specials in big ways to teach me love and grace when those were foreign concepts to me. Being a part of choir was probably the most connected I ever get to the entire church and one of my favorite ways to serve the body.
Even with the variety, there was still complaining. I wasn't immune to it. I didn't like the services heavy with hymns. The music pastor still did an awesome job in an impossible position. It has to suck knowing that at no time can you ever make everyone happy. He always handled that positions well and with grace and understanding.
Some of my favorite music had been that of Soveriegn Grace. Once I learned of their troublesome reputation and impending legal actions, I had a difficult time worshipping to their music. But, I digress.
Our second church had moved in a very different direction and one similar to our church now. Leadership had explained to the worship team and congregation that in order to minister to the unchurched who walked in the door, they would need to adapt. In adapting, they moved their worship style to be very modern.
It's been a year, but our experience was that the music was a bit loud. However, the congregation sang out like any other we've seen. Everyone sang, praising and worshipping. Nobody just stood, closed lipped and tolerating the worship time. We weren't there long enough to really hear grumbling. We heard a few things, which let us know that the church wasn't immune to it.
Here's the difference that we saw though. Like it or not, everyone embraced it. They understood leaderships point of view and bought in fully. To is, it showed us that the congregation as a whole supported their leadership and wanted the opportunity to reach the lost. We loved that cohesiveness.
Because we are in a bible study with a huge swing in age ranges, we know that our current church has a bit of division over music. The leadership knows the importance of keeping a balance of traditional and modern styles. The music minister does a good job as well. As with our first church, we wish the older generation would be more supportive of moving forward. It can be a little disheartening at times to see the number of people closed lipped and tolerating worship.
I have to admit, we were shocked the first time we walked into the church and saw a piano and guitar. In the Midwest, most Church's of Christ are non instrumental. Women are also not allowed to be a part of leading worship. It was refreshing to see both in this church. Personally, we love the music in this church. It's always a great time of worship.
Ok, honestly, I've had one complaint that I've never shared with anyone besides my husband. There might be an over use of Deer Panteth song. Everyone has that one song that drives them nuts, right? Seriously though, we enjoy the music and worship at this church. When we were searching for a church, preaching and doctrine were number one and music was number two.
It's funny to me that music seems to be one of those common issues amongst churches, even if it's minor. It seems to me that there has to be a clear purpose for the music. That is going vary based on location and population. The leadership has to have a clear direction and the congregation needs to embrace the vision as long as it's biblical.
Monday, April 13, 2015
Indiana Trip Part 2
Ick! It's Monday morning after a busy, busy weekend. Monday means there's a new week of classes and a new lack of motivation. I just can't get excited about my classes this term. Regardless, a busy weekend usually means we are all tired come Monday and oh so true that is.
Overall, our trip was wonderful.
Our main purpose was the Vera Bradley outlet sale. We went two mornings and neither were a disappointment. I probably don't shop that sale like a lot of women. I go in, walk through and get out. I don't window shop and touch everything and make long, laborious decisions. I also don't go for the purses. I did get a couple, but I got other stuff. Travel bag, hat, sunglasses, tech items, those were my primary purchases.
The shopping adventures were a bit tamer than the last time. Maybe because it was so early. A few styles of party hats, a clogged toilet and a couple elbow jabs. That's nothing compared to last time. We also stood in line for 45 minutes or less and there was no waiting at checkout. I think we may have missed the craziness.
Probably the best part of the weekend, was the time spent with my husband. It was a light-hearted time relaxing and just being together. Thursday, he was gracious enough to take off a little early so we could make our four hour trip between storms. Friday, we relaxed all afternoon. Saturday, we spent the afternoon on a road trip.
The least fun part of the trip was him not feeling well. Evidently, he caught a stomach bug and was a little miserable. He didn't let that slow him down. Ever the tough guy, he went on as if he felt great. He also has a pinched nerve in his back that is causing pain from his back to his foot. Poor guy couldn't get comfortable driving and was nearly in tears, but proceeded on with a smile.
Friday night, we got to have Pizza King, a local fave with a friend. As I mentioned before, I met this woman on my last trip three years ago. She's such a sweetheart and has a genuine love of people and pets. We spent a couple hours chatting over pizza as if it'd not been three years since we last chatted. When I say chatted, I mean light to very deep conversation. Then, and thankfully so, we headed to her place to let the dogs play and stretch their legs in her back yard. Oh boy, that was exciting. They travel well, but definitely hate leashes and the lack of freedom in a fenced yard.
As we were leaving, I knew exactly how I felt about the evening. I was overwhelmed with love and joy. My friend hugged my husband as if she'd known him for years. As I hugged her, I found myself not wanting to let go. This kind of friendship is what I've been missing. I cannot wait to see her again and don't plan on it being another three years.
On Saturday, we met with friends for lunch. Our friends haven't lived in Indiana long, only a couple years. They will be moving to Taiwan in July to begin a longtime dream of serving people internationally. We had not seen them for several years, but kept in touch over social media. Again, it was as if no time had passed. We had a nice lunch, visiting and hearing about their impending move.
It was interesting to compare and contrast Indiana and Ohio. So many similarities, but Ohio definitely wins most redneck. They had similar experiences in searching for a church, not finding a Southern Baptist church like we'd come from. Also interesting, they've experienced feeling like outsiders there too. While their town is huge, the small communities are filled with people who've always been there. They've had a hard time finding where they fit.
Gosh! That made me feel even better about what I've experienced here. It's not just me! Again!
It was bittersweet saying goodbye to our friends. We are super excited for them. They've prayed for this opportunity for years. But we will miss them. It's unlikely our paths will have an opportunity to cross when they visit as long as we live in Ohio. I'm thankful we got the chance to see them.
On Saturday, we debated coming home early, but decided to take advantage of the time away. After lunch, we took a road trip. About 90 minutes south was the town where I stayed last time. In the town is a hot dog stand. We miss our occasional Saturday afternoon hot dog stand. We lived about 30 minutes from one. So dinner was at Genes Rootbeer. It's not as good as Mugs Up, but it was a fun drive. It was an extended drive because of construction, but worth it.
After hot dogs, we headed for Ivanhoes. Our friends recommended it. It's a hole in the wall restaurant and ice cream joint. Oh my goodness! First of all, I never get ice cream because of my fairy problem. But this place had dairy free. It was strawberry, which isn't a fave. However, I got it in an Aloha Sundae with pecans, coconut, bananas, pineapple and cherry. I didn't even ask how my husbands hot fudge shake was cause I was totally immersed in my Sundae.
After our long trip back, we packed up and planned for our Sunday drive home. This weekend was just what I've needed. As I feel more and more distance from my life and friends from a year ago, it gave me the encouragement to keep going.
Overall, our trip was wonderful.
Our main purpose was the Vera Bradley outlet sale. We went two mornings and neither were a disappointment. I probably don't shop that sale like a lot of women. I go in, walk through and get out. I don't window shop and touch everything and make long, laborious decisions. I also don't go for the purses. I did get a couple, but I got other stuff. Travel bag, hat, sunglasses, tech items, those were my primary purchases.
The shopping adventures were a bit tamer than the last time. Maybe because it was so early. A few styles of party hats, a clogged toilet and a couple elbow jabs. That's nothing compared to last time. We also stood in line for 45 minutes or less and there was no waiting at checkout. I think we may have missed the craziness.
Probably the best part of the weekend, was the time spent with my husband. It was a light-hearted time relaxing and just being together. Thursday, he was gracious enough to take off a little early so we could make our four hour trip between storms. Friday, we relaxed all afternoon. Saturday, we spent the afternoon on a road trip.
The least fun part of the trip was him not feeling well. Evidently, he caught a stomach bug and was a little miserable. He didn't let that slow him down. Ever the tough guy, he went on as if he felt great. He also has a pinched nerve in his back that is causing pain from his back to his foot. Poor guy couldn't get comfortable driving and was nearly in tears, but proceeded on with a smile.
Friday night, we got to have Pizza King, a local fave with a friend. As I mentioned before, I met this woman on my last trip three years ago. She's such a sweetheart and has a genuine love of people and pets. We spent a couple hours chatting over pizza as if it'd not been three years since we last chatted. When I say chatted, I mean light to very deep conversation. Then, and thankfully so, we headed to her place to let the dogs play and stretch their legs in her back yard. Oh boy, that was exciting. They travel well, but definitely hate leashes and the lack of freedom in a fenced yard.
As we were leaving, I knew exactly how I felt about the evening. I was overwhelmed with love and joy. My friend hugged my husband as if she'd known him for years. As I hugged her, I found myself not wanting to let go. This kind of friendship is what I've been missing. I cannot wait to see her again and don't plan on it being another three years.
On Saturday, we met with friends for lunch. Our friends haven't lived in Indiana long, only a couple years. They will be moving to Taiwan in July to begin a longtime dream of serving people internationally. We had not seen them for several years, but kept in touch over social media. Again, it was as if no time had passed. We had a nice lunch, visiting and hearing about their impending move.
It was interesting to compare and contrast Indiana and Ohio. So many similarities, but Ohio definitely wins most redneck. They had similar experiences in searching for a church, not finding a Southern Baptist church like we'd come from. Also interesting, they've experienced feeling like outsiders there too. While their town is huge, the small communities are filled with people who've always been there. They've had a hard time finding where they fit.
Gosh! That made me feel even better about what I've experienced here. It's not just me! Again!
It was bittersweet saying goodbye to our friends. We are super excited for them. They've prayed for this opportunity for years. But we will miss them. It's unlikely our paths will have an opportunity to cross when they visit as long as we live in Ohio. I'm thankful we got the chance to see them.
On Saturday, we debated coming home early, but decided to take advantage of the time away. After lunch, we took a road trip. About 90 minutes south was the town where I stayed last time. In the town is a hot dog stand. We miss our occasional Saturday afternoon hot dog stand. We lived about 30 minutes from one. So dinner was at Genes Rootbeer. It's not as good as Mugs Up, but it was a fun drive. It was an extended drive because of construction, but worth it.
After hot dogs, we headed for Ivanhoes. Our friends recommended it. It's a hole in the wall restaurant and ice cream joint. Oh my goodness! First of all, I never get ice cream because of my fairy problem. But this place had dairy free. It was strawberry, which isn't a fave. However, I got it in an Aloha Sundae with pecans, coconut, bananas, pineapple and cherry. I didn't even ask how my husbands hot fudge shake was cause I was totally immersed in my Sundae.
After our long trip back, we packed up and planned for our Sunday drive home. This weekend was just what I've needed. As I feel more and more distance from my life and friends from a year ago, it gave me the encouragement to keep going.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
The Changes
When I said there has been good over the past year, I was being honest. We are just a couple weeks shy of being here a year. While I am ready to put the past year behind me, I do have so much to be thankful for in it.
I have grown as a person and matured in my faith.
Just prior to moving, my faith was on shaky ground. Leaving our first church left me with a lot of questions and fears. From the moment we learned of the move, my faith began to mature and hasn't really stopped. That's not to say that I haven't questioned why things have happened, but ultimately my faith has grown stronger. I trust God more today than ever before.
My relationship with my husband has never been better. Again, I won't say it has been perfect or that I haven't struggled with it at times. But, the love and respect we have for each other has never been so strong. We have learned to trust each other more. We have learned to rely on each other and be more reliable with each other. Living in a place where you only have each other can either drive you apart or together and it is has pushed us together.
I can't hardly believe the ways I have grown as a person. I have become softer, more caring and loving. It's a change I couldn't have manipulated within myself. It is all God. I have a greater capacity to love people, people I don't know and people I wouldn't typically like. I have found that it takes more to make me angry and I have a greater ability to forgive. I think I also have a better grasp on grace than I ever have. Keep in mind that what you see on the blog is only part of my life.
One of the biggest changes is the direction of my life. We have long discussed me going back to school. That has finally happened. I am nearly finished with my first semester back in school and am scheduled to graduate next May. That's crazy to even think about. If we were still in KC, I'm not sure I'd be where I am at now.
We are moving closer, inch by inch, to pursuing adoption. At the end of this year or beginning of next, we plan to get a bit more serious about the process. Had the past year not happened, I'm not sure we would have really addressed this part of our lives.
Another big change is the emotional healing I have gained by living here. Despite the trials, I am emotionally healthier. I can't deny that I have hit some low points. Losing two babies devastated me and crippled me emotionally. I have fought loneliness. But none of it has kept me from healing.
I have learned to better appreciate friends. New and old, I have learned to not take for granted those who never leave your side. My goodness. While minimal in number, I know that good friendships have gotten me through the worst of times this past year.
I know the next year will have trials. As my friend says, Jesus' life wasn't easy, I shouldn't expect mine to be. But, I hope that next year, I can look back and see all the ways I have matured and grown. I hope that beyond the trials, I can say that I survived and am better for it.
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Indiana Trip
Provided weather or travel did not prevent us, we should be in Indiana right now. It's not a vacation really, just a long weekend trip away.
The primary event taking us to Indiana is the Vera Bradley outlet sale. Let me tell you, that is a freak show! I might not be very girly, but I love purses and bags. Love might be a little strong. I enjoy making investments. These things hold their value for quite a while and I like making back money on things when I am done with them.
The first and last time I went to a sale was three years ago with friends. This trip back has been planned since then. Actually, it's been planned each year since but never happened. One year my husband's job got in the way and last year we were preparing for our move.
I am excited. Not about the shopping. The shopping isn't that fun. It's a long three hours of standing in lines and fighting for what I want. I'm excited about seeing some familiar faces.
Before we moved, we literally knew 13 people in this half of the country. My husband has an aunt and her family who live in Georgia. A guy from our first church and his family live about three hours from us here in Ohio. The others are all in Indiana.
A family from our first church live there. They are so incredibly sweet. They moved away from Missouri to Colorado and then to Indiana. We've watched their kids grow up over the past eight years. The wife and I sang together in choir. Now that we live 3.5 hours apart, they are packing up to move again. They have been called to work, live and minister in Taiwan. We are so happy for them.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to get to see them one more time before they move. They are literally packing up now. It is so exciting to see how the Lord is and will use them abroad. I know the people of Taiwan will enjoy their kindness and embrace them.
We also get to see another friend, one I made three years ago. While in Indiana three years ago, I got to spend a lot of quality time with my friend's family. Through social media, her sister became a very dear friend. She has been so encouraging the last three years. I cannot wait to see her and hug her. She is the sweetest.
Not that things are absolutely terrible, I can't wait to see familiar faces and be with people who are so kind and loving. It'll be bittersweet to say goodbye to the family headed across the ocean.
Hopefully I will return with lots of freak stories to share and lots of love to encourage me.
The primary event taking us to Indiana is the Vera Bradley outlet sale. Let me tell you, that is a freak show! I might not be very girly, but I love purses and bags. Love might be a little strong. I enjoy making investments. These things hold their value for quite a while and I like making back money on things when I am done with them.
The first and last time I went to a sale was three years ago with friends. This trip back has been planned since then. Actually, it's been planned each year since but never happened. One year my husband's job got in the way and last year we were preparing for our move.
I am excited. Not about the shopping. The shopping isn't that fun. It's a long three hours of standing in lines and fighting for what I want. I'm excited about seeing some familiar faces.
Before we moved, we literally knew 13 people in this half of the country. My husband has an aunt and her family who live in Georgia. A guy from our first church and his family live about three hours from us here in Ohio. The others are all in Indiana.
A family from our first church live there. They are so incredibly sweet. They moved away from Missouri to Colorado and then to Indiana. We've watched their kids grow up over the past eight years. The wife and I sang together in choir. Now that we live 3.5 hours apart, they are packing up to move again. They have been called to work, live and minister in Taiwan. We are so happy for them.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to get to see them one more time before they move. They are literally packing up now. It is so exciting to see how the Lord is and will use them abroad. I know the people of Taiwan will enjoy their kindness and embrace them.
We also get to see another friend, one I made three years ago. While in Indiana three years ago, I got to spend a lot of quality time with my friend's family. Through social media, her sister became a very dear friend. She has been so encouraging the last three years. I cannot wait to see her and hug her. She is the sweetest.
Not that things are absolutely terrible, I can't wait to see familiar faces and be with people who are so kind and loving. It'll be bittersweet to say goodbye to the family headed across the ocean.
Hopefully I will return with lots of freak stories to share and lots of love to encourage me.
Friday, April 10, 2015
A 4th
Two weeks ago, we got our fourth dog. He is now eight weeks old and is a Morkie Poo. That is a Maltese Yorkie/Poodle mix. He is all of two pounds completely full. If doggie genes prove correct, he should never get more than 15 lbs, unless we let him get porky.
Since I post pictures of the puppy cuteness on IG, a lot of my friends have said how cute he is. He is way cute! Not only that, but he is super smart. I don't say that like a parent thinks their baby is Einstein. We've had some dumb dogs. This little dog is intelligent.
At eight weeks old, he is almost potty trained. He knows when it is time for all the dogs to be fed. He isn't afraid of anything and he thinks he is a big dog already. He has even had a couple nights of sleeping for 5-7 hours straight.
Me on the other hand, I haven't slept much the past two weeks. Thankfully, I get to sneak in naps in the afternoon. I wouldn't trade it though. He has been such a joy for us. Oh my goodness, we laugh all evening long.
I have been quite puzzled by a few people who have questioned our need/desire for a fourth dog. Really? Yes, I've had a few people even go as far as to tell us it was a bad decision.
It isn't that I feel overly compelled to defend our decision, but it is quite simple.
We have looked at puppies since the end of last year. We have three perfectly happy dogs. However, they are all aging. Unfortunately for us, they are all about the same age. That has been great because they have all grown up together. They all require the same kinds of foods and care.
We do not want to get a few years down the road and lose all of our dogs within a short time and be left with none. We love our dogs and can't imagine not having at least a couple. We wanted a puppy and not a rescue this time, so we have a chance to train it to be the way we want. Rescues are great, but they come with bad habits that are hard to break. Rescues are usually not well loved before you get them and your focus has to be on earning trust and loving them instead of training.
With that being said, we know our aging dogs are getting a bit crotchety the older they get. They become less playful and more snippy. We wanted to bring a puppy in before it was too late. A puppy can also energize a middle aged dog as they play and try to keep up. The time was right for us.
The timing was really right for us or we wouldn't have done it. I am home all day, almost everyday. That is making potty training much easier. We also have the space. We never felt over run by three dogs in our KC house. Our KC house was about 600 square feet smaller. So, we definitely felt like we had plenty of space with a fenced yard.
Not that I took the time to explain all that to the few people who questioned our choice. I think each time, I was a little shocked. I wasn't hateful, but I did change the subject.
Here's the thing. I don't mind friends questioning my choices. I appreciate the chances to think through things or even hear a different perspective. I don't ever think that I make perfect choices every time. My husband and I both just make the decision we feel is best for us at the time with the resources we have.
There's another side to that. Not everyone gets to do that. If you are going to question my choice about getting a dog, you had better be a good enough friend to have questioned me on things that mean something. If you don't know me well enough to question my thoughts on faith or major decision in life, then you probably don't have any validity in questioning a dog choice.
Like I said, I am respectful at the time. But your opinion doesn't go very far in encouraging me to consider my choices.
There's a reason to bring that up. I had a conversation recently with someone I respect. It was about how you really have to get to know someone before you speak into their lives. That's hard to do when you see them making mistakes or have genuine concern for them. Your voice has no validity if your relationship isn't any deeper than surface.
I think that is a valid point in any confrontation that you have with anyone. The key to really making a difference in anyone's life or learning to be a friend has a lot to do with developing that relationship first.
Since I post pictures of the puppy cuteness on IG, a lot of my friends have said how cute he is. He is way cute! Not only that, but he is super smart. I don't say that like a parent thinks their baby is Einstein. We've had some dumb dogs. This little dog is intelligent.
At eight weeks old, he is almost potty trained. He knows when it is time for all the dogs to be fed. He isn't afraid of anything and he thinks he is a big dog already. He has even had a couple nights of sleeping for 5-7 hours straight.
Me on the other hand, I haven't slept much the past two weeks. Thankfully, I get to sneak in naps in the afternoon. I wouldn't trade it though. He has been such a joy for us. Oh my goodness, we laugh all evening long.
I have been quite puzzled by a few people who have questioned our need/desire for a fourth dog. Really? Yes, I've had a few people even go as far as to tell us it was a bad decision.
It isn't that I feel overly compelled to defend our decision, but it is quite simple.
We have looked at puppies since the end of last year. We have three perfectly happy dogs. However, they are all aging. Unfortunately for us, they are all about the same age. That has been great because they have all grown up together. They all require the same kinds of foods and care.
We do not want to get a few years down the road and lose all of our dogs within a short time and be left with none. We love our dogs and can't imagine not having at least a couple. We wanted a puppy and not a rescue this time, so we have a chance to train it to be the way we want. Rescues are great, but they come with bad habits that are hard to break. Rescues are usually not well loved before you get them and your focus has to be on earning trust and loving them instead of training.
With that being said, we know our aging dogs are getting a bit crotchety the older they get. They become less playful and more snippy. We wanted to bring a puppy in before it was too late. A puppy can also energize a middle aged dog as they play and try to keep up. The time was right for us.
The timing was really right for us or we wouldn't have done it. I am home all day, almost everyday. That is making potty training much easier. We also have the space. We never felt over run by three dogs in our KC house. Our KC house was about 600 square feet smaller. So, we definitely felt like we had plenty of space with a fenced yard.
Not that I took the time to explain all that to the few people who questioned our choice. I think each time, I was a little shocked. I wasn't hateful, but I did change the subject.
Here's the thing. I don't mind friends questioning my choices. I appreciate the chances to think through things or even hear a different perspective. I don't ever think that I make perfect choices every time. My husband and I both just make the decision we feel is best for us at the time with the resources we have.
There's another side to that. Not everyone gets to do that. If you are going to question my choice about getting a dog, you had better be a good enough friend to have questioned me on things that mean something. If you don't know me well enough to question my thoughts on faith or major decision in life, then you probably don't have any validity in questioning a dog choice.
Like I said, I am respectful at the time. But your opinion doesn't go very far in encouraging me to consider my choices.
There's a reason to bring that up. I had a conversation recently with someone I respect. It was about how you really have to get to know someone before you speak into their lives. That's hard to do when you see them making mistakes or have genuine concern for them. Your voice has no validity if your relationship isn't any deeper than surface.
I think that is a valid point in any confrontation that you have with anyone. The key to really making a difference in anyone's life or learning to be a friend has a lot to do with developing that relationship first.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
A Homeless Man in a Rain Storm
Yesterday, my schedule opened up and I used the time to go enjoy lunch with my husband. Even though he works only a few miles from home, we don't have lunch together often. So, we enjoy those days when we are able to have that extra 30 minutes together.
While we were eating lunch, the sky turned black, the winds started to howl and the rain came down in sheets. We were having one of our first big thunderstorms of the seasons. It was in and out within 30 minutes. Driving home, the winds whipped the car across the road. The rain was coming down so hard, I couldn't see the lines on the highway.
The wind was horrible. A few houses down our road, the wind tore the siding off an older farm house and littered the yard and fields next to it. We've not had a lot of bad weather here and God willing, we won't either.
This isn't really what this is about.
Just passed where my husband works is the police station and homeless shelter. It's really common to see people walking up and down the road. They are either going to the shelter or to the police station for court or probation checks.
I'm not going to lie, some of the characters look pretty sketchy. A lot of the people heading to the police station have lost their license and are down on their luck.
Homeless people and those walking to the police station are certainly not something I am used to seeing. There may have been homeless people in our suburb, but we never saw them. All of the homeless shelters were in the inner city. When we saw people walking, it was for exercise or kids who couldn't yet drive. Even though it's a much smaller town, its something that we aren't used to at all.
Because I lived in the city for 16 years, I am conditioned to not pick up strangers. Since I have a general fear of strangers, I likely wouldn't anyway. But there are times when seeing these people breaks my heart.
I don't ever think that they deserve that walk of shame. I never think that caring for them lies with someone else. I never look down on them. I pray for them. My heart aches for them. I often want to be able to help them or offer them a ride. Being a female and alone, I know it just isn't safe to pick them up about 95% of the time.
Then there are the other 5% of the time. Those are the times that I don't stop because I'm alone, but I should. I don't really know how to balance my own safety and do what is right.
Last summer, I saw a couple ladies walking the stretch of road who were very pregnant. It was hot and I wanted to give them a ride to help them out. Most of them had scary looking men with them. I now that shouldn't have been the deciding factor, but it was.
Today was another time. It was a man. I've seen him before. He has no legs and is in a wheelchair. He was about four blocks from the shelter in the middle of the storm. I know I couldn't have helped him in a way that was safe for either of us. He would have needed some lifting for himself and his wheelchair into my car. I don't have the upper body strength nor the back for that.
But why did everyone else pass him by? Men in trucks, one by one, passed him by and even splashed him with water from pot holes. Even a police officer passed by without stopping. My heart broke for him. I don't have a clue what I could have done. The only thing I could have done was stand in the rain with him.
I know in this, my heart is firmly grounded in the Word of God. The bible says whatever you did for the least of these, you did for me. When you refused to help the least of these, you were refusing me.
An older man with no legs in a wheelchair is the least of these. How can I be the hands and feet of Jesus to these people? They need it. They need to know that regardless of their mistakes, despite their circumstances, they are loved. Just because I live in my own house doesn't mean I am better than them, it means I am prepared to love them in spite of what the world has done to them.
I'm praying for a clear direction. Not so I don't have to feel the heartache, but so I can show these people love.
While we were eating lunch, the sky turned black, the winds started to howl and the rain came down in sheets. We were having one of our first big thunderstorms of the seasons. It was in and out within 30 minutes. Driving home, the winds whipped the car across the road. The rain was coming down so hard, I couldn't see the lines on the highway.
The wind was horrible. A few houses down our road, the wind tore the siding off an older farm house and littered the yard and fields next to it. We've not had a lot of bad weather here and God willing, we won't either.
This isn't really what this is about.
Just passed where my husband works is the police station and homeless shelter. It's really common to see people walking up and down the road. They are either going to the shelter or to the police station for court or probation checks.
I'm not going to lie, some of the characters look pretty sketchy. A lot of the people heading to the police station have lost their license and are down on their luck.
Homeless people and those walking to the police station are certainly not something I am used to seeing. There may have been homeless people in our suburb, but we never saw them. All of the homeless shelters were in the inner city. When we saw people walking, it was for exercise or kids who couldn't yet drive. Even though it's a much smaller town, its something that we aren't used to at all.
Because I lived in the city for 16 years, I am conditioned to not pick up strangers. Since I have a general fear of strangers, I likely wouldn't anyway. But there are times when seeing these people breaks my heart.
I don't ever think that they deserve that walk of shame. I never think that caring for them lies with someone else. I never look down on them. I pray for them. My heart aches for them. I often want to be able to help them or offer them a ride. Being a female and alone, I know it just isn't safe to pick them up about 95% of the time.
Then there are the other 5% of the time. Those are the times that I don't stop because I'm alone, but I should. I don't really know how to balance my own safety and do what is right.
Last summer, I saw a couple ladies walking the stretch of road who were very pregnant. It was hot and I wanted to give them a ride to help them out. Most of them had scary looking men with them. I now that shouldn't have been the deciding factor, but it was.
Today was another time. It was a man. I've seen him before. He has no legs and is in a wheelchair. He was about four blocks from the shelter in the middle of the storm. I know I couldn't have helped him in a way that was safe for either of us. He would have needed some lifting for himself and his wheelchair into my car. I don't have the upper body strength nor the back for that.
But why did everyone else pass him by? Men in trucks, one by one, passed him by and even splashed him with water from pot holes. Even a police officer passed by without stopping. My heart broke for him. I don't have a clue what I could have done. The only thing I could have done was stand in the rain with him.
I know in this, my heart is firmly grounded in the Word of God. The bible says whatever you did for the least of these, you did for me. When you refused to help the least of these, you were refusing me.
An older man with no legs in a wheelchair is the least of these. How can I be the hands and feet of Jesus to these people? They need it. They need to know that regardless of their mistakes, despite their circumstances, they are loved. Just because I live in my own house doesn't mean I am better than them, it means I am prepared to love them in spite of what the world has done to them.
I'm praying for a clear direction. Not so I don't have to feel the heartache, but so I can show these people love.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
I Can't Be There
As we roll through April and our 12th month here, there's a lot of reflecting being done. I promise, there are happier posts to come. It hasn't all been bad and there have been great times even in the midst of tough times.
One of the toughest things about our move has been the distance between us and family and friends. The absolute hardest is being here when friends are going through trials.
With me not having a job and having a flexible schedule, I was able to spend the last few years in KC being with, helping and caring for our friends when they were in need. I loved being able to serve our friends in those ways.
My schedule allowed me to cook meals, babysit children, sit at the hospital and much more. While I loved being able to help, I usually hated the situation. There's rarely a good reason your friends are in the hospital or in need.
Thanks to a dear friend, I learned how to walk into someone's mess and be useful. She also taught me how to assess people's needs while respecting boundaries. Most people, in their pride, will decline help even when they are in dire need. I know, I'm usually one of them. She taught me how to lovingly push into that pride and lighten their load during a tough time.
Obviously, serving people in that way really hasn't happened here. I know God has a plan and will use me when the time is right.
But, I can't help but feel helpless when I know my friends back in KC are in need. I can't be there. I want to be, but I can't.
Since we have been here, we've had friends who've lost loved ones and we couldn't be there for them. We've had friends who've been sick and needed meals. We've had friends sick who could have used help with little ones. We've missed it all.
We've prayed for them, which is about all we could do. But, it still leaves us feeling helpless. It is in those times that we have to trust that God with them as much, if not more, than we trust Him to care for us.
Before we moved, I had the privilege of serving a friend of mine with cancer. She was diagnosed a year before we moved, so she is on her second year of fighting cancer. Her diagnosis was hard for all of us. She is my age. She was active with young kids. She was also the first friend with cancer for some of us, at least one so young.
Her diagnosis wasn't just hard for us all to accept, so was her prognosis. Never during the past two years has she ever gotten a good prognosis.
She was diagnosed after a surgery on her abdomen. She had stomach issues for months that doctors had misdiagnosed. After surgery, she was told she had endometriosis and cancer. Later on, it was found that endometriosis wasn't present, but the colon cancer had spread.
I was extremely fortunate that during her couple hospitalizations, I got to spend a lot of time with her. We had some amazing conversations about faith, life and her children. The size of her trial was nothing compared to the size of her faith.
She had it rough. Her surgery left her with a mess and her chemo made her tired. But yet, her faith stayed even bigger.
I found out today that she has suffered a stroke. I have only few details. Even if I were there, I wouldn't be able to do anything. The kind of care she needs now is far beyond what any of her friends can give. We can only pray. And given the situation, we can only pray that God's will be done. As hard as it is, my faith in this has to be bigger than her trial. God loves her and is with her even in this.
But, this is one of those times it is so hard to be so far away. Even if I can't do anything for my friend, I wish I were crying amongst our friends today.
One of the toughest things about our move has been the distance between us and family and friends. The absolute hardest is being here when friends are going through trials.
With me not having a job and having a flexible schedule, I was able to spend the last few years in KC being with, helping and caring for our friends when they were in need. I loved being able to serve our friends in those ways.
My schedule allowed me to cook meals, babysit children, sit at the hospital and much more. While I loved being able to help, I usually hated the situation. There's rarely a good reason your friends are in the hospital or in need.
Thanks to a dear friend, I learned how to walk into someone's mess and be useful. She also taught me how to assess people's needs while respecting boundaries. Most people, in their pride, will decline help even when they are in dire need. I know, I'm usually one of them. She taught me how to lovingly push into that pride and lighten their load during a tough time.
Obviously, serving people in that way really hasn't happened here. I know God has a plan and will use me when the time is right.
But, I can't help but feel helpless when I know my friends back in KC are in need. I can't be there. I want to be, but I can't.
Since we have been here, we've had friends who've lost loved ones and we couldn't be there for them. We've had friends who've been sick and needed meals. We've had friends sick who could have used help with little ones. We've missed it all.
We've prayed for them, which is about all we could do. But, it still leaves us feeling helpless. It is in those times that we have to trust that God with them as much, if not more, than we trust Him to care for us.
Before we moved, I had the privilege of serving a friend of mine with cancer. She was diagnosed a year before we moved, so she is on her second year of fighting cancer. Her diagnosis was hard for all of us. She is my age. She was active with young kids. She was also the first friend with cancer for some of us, at least one so young.
Her diagnosis wasn't just hard for us all to accept, so was her prognosis. Never during the past two years has she ever gotten a good prognosis.
She was diagnosed after a surgery on her abdomen. She had stomach issues for months that doctors had misdiagnosed. After surgery, she was told she had endometriosis and cancer. Later on, it was found that endometriosis wasn't present, but the colon cancer had spread.
I was extremely fortunate that during her couple hospitalizations, I got to spend a lot of time with her. We had some amazing conversations about faith, life and her children. The size of her trial was nothing compared to the size of her faith.
She had it rough. Her surgery left her with a mess and her chemo made her tired. But yet, her faith stayed even bigger.
I found out today that she has suffered a stroke. I have only few details. Even if I were there, I wouldn't be able to do anything. The kind of care she needs now is far beyond what any of her friends can give. We can only pray. And given the situation, we can only pray that God's will be done. As hard as it is, my faith in this has to be bigger than her trial. God loves her and is with her even in this.
But, this is one of those times it is so hard to be so far away. Even if I can't do anything for my friend, I wish I were crying amongst our friends today.
Friday, April 3, 2015
Easter Sacrifice
Easter is, or at least should be, an emotional time for Christians. It is the three days that fulfilled prophesy and secured our place in heaven. Without the violent death of Christ and his resurrection, we would be bound to a death we deserve and we would have no hope of ever being with our Creator.
Today, Good Friday, I am filled with many emotions.
There is a natural sadness that I have so little self control over my sin that a living being had to die a horrific death. I'm thankful for that sacrifice, but saddened by it. I know sin dates back a lot further than me, but I carry it on. I hate it and I should.
Sunday will be the culmination of our celebration. The day we look forward to, the day that made the sacrifice worth celebrating. Sunday we celebrate the day Jesus arose from the grave. They checked, He was not there. He had overcome death.
Easter also tends to be a bit of a trigger for me. I have written about it before, so I won't belabor the story. A family friend and church ladies bought me an Easter dress and shoes for church services when I was in elementary school. My dad was absolutely against me going to church and had no idea I was sneaking off to services as often as I could.
This particular Easter, he planned a harsh punishment for me after church. In my new clothes and shoes, he drug me to the garage once I arrived home. I assumed there would be a beating, but had no idea what was about to happen. He set the dress on fire with me in it and left me to save myself. I did manage to get the dress and shoes off. I suffered burns across my lower back where he had initially set the bow of my dress on fire and blisters on my feet where the shoes had started to melt from burning lace that had dropped onto them.
At the time, I took the punishment very personally. I was punished because he hated me. I understand now that it wasn't about me at all. My dad hated God and hated that I was being exposed to it. My dad setting my dress on fire wasn't as much about hurting me but making me not want God. That worked. I didn't want to go back. What was happening was a spiritual warfare over my soul that I wouldn't really grasp until I understood the evil inside my dad.
I didn't die over my desire for church, but I could have. I was injured physically and traumatized emotionally. It is of no comparison, but there are people being put to death for their faith.
Just yesterday, 147 people were executed because they admitted they were Christians. Even though they watched others being killed, they boldly proclaimed to be Christians when asked. They were forced onto the floor, face down and shot in the head.
I'm not sure I could do that. I should be able to. Jesus bled and died for me. He willingly went to the cross so that I could have eternal life with my true Father. He died a horrific death so that I could one day escape the evil of this world. Would it not be right for me to sacrifice my life in His name?
The truth is I'm a coward. I'm fearful. I'm so stuck in my sin of unbelief that I would choose this world over eternal life.
I know it is all part of sanctification. I know that nobody truly knows what they would do unless they were actually in that situation. But I know my faith is weak. I admire those 147 people who were executed on the eve of this holy weekend. They ultimately chose their faith over the world, over their own fears. In that moment, they showed no unbelief.
I have so much gratitude for what Jesus did, what God did for us. I pray that my faith someday reflects my thankfulness for the gift of the sacrifice.
Today, Good Friday, I am filled with many emotions.
There is a natural sadness that I have so little self control over my sin that a living being had to die a horrific death. I'm thankful for that sacrifice, but saddened by it. I know sin dates back a lot further than me, but I carry it on. I hate it and I should.
Sunday will be the culmination of our celebration. The day we look forward to, the day that made the sacrifice worth celebrating. Sunday we celebrate the day Jesus arose from the grave. They checked, He was not there. He had overcome death.
Easter also tends to be a bit of a trigger for me. I have written about it before, so I won't belabor the story. A family friend and church ladies bought me an Easter dress and shoes for church services when I was in elementary school. My dad was absolutely against me going to church and had no idea I was sneaking off to services as often as I could.
This particular Easter, he planned a harsh punishment for me after church. In my new clothes and shoes, he drug me to the garage once I arrived home. I assumed there would be a beating, but had no idea what was about to happen. He set the dress on fire with me in it and left me to save myself. I did manage to get the dress and shoes off. I suffered burns across my lower back where he had initially set the bow of my dress on fire and blisters on my feet where the shoes had started to melt from burning lace that had dropped onto them.
At the time, I took the punishment very personally. I was punished because he hated me. I understand now that it wasn't about me at all. My dad hated God and hated that I was being exposed to it. My dad setting my dress on fire wasn't as much about hurting me but making me not want God. That worked. I didn't want to go back. What was happening was a spiritual warfare over my soul that I wouldn't really grasp until I understood the evil inside my dad.
I didn't die over my desire for church, but I could have. I was injured physically and traumatized emotionally. It is of no comparison, but there are people being put to death for their faith.
Just yesterday, 147 people were executed because they admitted they were Christians. Even though they watched others being killed, they boldly proclaimed to be Christians when asked. They were forced onto the floor, face down and shot in the head.
I'm not sure I could do that. I should be able to. Jesus bled and died for me. He willingly went to the cross so that I could have eternal life with my true Father. He died a horrific death so that I could one day escape the evil of this world. Would it not be right for me to sacrifice my life in His name?
The truth is I'm a coward. I'm fearful. I'm so stuck in my sin of unbelief that I would choose this world over eternal life.
I know it is all part of sanctification. I know that nobody truly knows what they would do unless they were actually in that situation. But I know my faith is weak. I admire those 147 people who were executed on the eve of this holy weekend. They ultimately chose their faith over the world, over their own fears. In that moment, they showed no unbelief.
I have so much gratitude for what Jesus did, what God did for us. I pray that my faith someday reflects my thankfulness for the gift of the sacrifice.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
First Pastor
This time of year always brings to mind our history in church and a time of reflection. It was eight years ago that we started going to church. In our 8 years, we have been in 3 churches with 5 pastors.
It is always interesting to reflect on the pastors and the growth I've had with each one.
We absolutely love our current one. Not that he's perfect, but he has been a perfect, natural fit for this time in our lives and we get so much from his preaching and teaching.
In the few short months we were at our second church, we had two pastors. The first went to be the senior pastor at the main campus. The pastor who came in after him has done amazing things in growing and creating unity within the church. Both great guys and amazing preachers, but we weren't there long enough to develop a relationship with either one.
Our first church also had two pastors. About halfway through our time there, the first decided to go on the mission field and spent several years in Athens, Greece. The pastor who came after him had big shoes to fill, as our first pastor was well loved and loved his congregation in personal ways.
Needless to say, the next pastor fell short in our eyes. That isn't necessarily a knock against him personally. We had very different views outside the gospel and incredibly different personality bents. Ultimately, we left that church because we could no longer support his decisions. The experience with him grew us both in unique ways and confirmed for us the qualities we believe are important to have in a pastor.
This kind of reflection always takes me to some of the sweetest times I had with my first pastor. He had such an impact on me.
Prior to meeting with him in August 2007, I don't think we'd ever had any face to face contact. That day is and will remain one of my sweetest memories ever. He led me to the Lord in his office that day. He's obviously going to have a special place in my heart and testimony for the rest of my life.
But it didn't stop that day. He genuinely cared and we knew it. He grasped the enormity of what it meant for me to commit to Christ and leave my family. He understood that never having been churched in my first 32 years of life presented some challenges. He had patience with that and direction.
He was the pastor who baptized me. For the average person, this would be an amazing event in their life with Christ. It was for me, but it was terrifying. Given my history, having a man push me underwater struck fear in me deeper than I understood. When he and my counselor found out that I was thinking of canceling because of my anxiety, they jumped in. Both of them took me to the baptistry for dry runs. They also met with me the morning of my baptism to pray for me. Thanks to them, it happened and remains one of my favorite days.
Less than two months after becoming a Christian, I caught my boss embezzling money from the clinic where I worked. To give a bit of context, by then my counselor had me in a routine of a few sessions each week. Given what I came from and the flood of memories, it was necessary for safety and to keep me from running away from the church. So, my counselor was on vacation and had set me up for appointments with the pastor. Something he willingly did whenever she was gone.
I walked into his office the Monday after catching my boss. I couldn't wrap my head around what had happened. I couldn't understand why. He said something to me that stuck with me and I still apply today when I can't understand the depths of evil that I see. He said that I couldn't understand her sin because I wasn't like her. It didn't mean that I didn't have sin in my life. However, it meant that my mind couldn't go to that level of depravity. I couldn't understand stealing because I wasn't a thief. He went on to say it was a good thing I couldn't understand it. Wow! I don't have to scratch my head and wonder how anyone could kill or rape or do a lot of other things. I just have to be thankful that I don't have a mind that understands those things.
There were so many times when I missed my nieces and nephews so much that I couldn't hardly bare to be away from them. Near Thanksgiving the second year, I was struggling a lot with that. The pastor emailed me and suggested I listen to a Natalie Grant song called In Better Hands. He had heard the song on the radio and made him think of me. He included the lyrics to the song. He was right. Choosing Christ over my family meant I was in better hands. That song easily encapsulated all I was feeling and the truth that I was much better off.
He was an imperfect man who was a mouthpiece for a perfect God. I can't say he never messed up, he did. But what was awesome is the amount of grace taught me by being humble with his faults. He apologized when he was wrong or forgot something. He was never angered when I screwed up, offering loving correction. There was more to this than just learning grace. I learned that a man besides my husband could be trusted. Not every man wanted to hurt me. That I could have healthy friendships with a man. A man could apologize when he was wrong. Those were all things I had to learn for my healing.
This pastor has since moved back to the states as his time in Greece has ended. He is now pastoring a church in St. Louis. On one of our trips through, we will have to stop to hear him preach again. I can't hardly believe it has been eight years since I heard him preach the first time, nor what has taken place since then.
Reflecting is such an awesome way to see what God has done in my life and the people he has used. I hope I never forget people like my first pastor and I hope I never take for granted the way he allowed God to use him in my life.
It is always interesting to reflect on the pastors and the growth I've had with each one.
We absolutely love our current one. Not that he's perfect, but he has been a perfect, natural fit for this time in our lives and we get so much from his preaching and teaching.
In the few short months we were at our second church, we had two pastors. The first went to be the senior pastor at the main campus. The pastor who came in after him has done amazing things in growing and creating unity within the church. Both great guys and amazing preachers, but we weren't there long enough to develop a relationship with either one.
Our first church also had two pastors. About halfway through our time there, the first decided to go on the mission field and spent several years in Athens, Greece. The pastor who came after him had big shoes to fill, as our first pastor was well loved and loved his congregation in personal ways.
Needless to say, the next pastor fell short in our eyes. That isn't necessarily a knock against him personally. We had very different views outside the gospel and incredibly different personality bents. Ultimately, we left that church because we could no longer support his decisions. The experience with him grew us both in unique ways and confirmed for us the qualities we believe are important to have in a pastor.
This kind of reflection always takes me to some of the sweetest times I had with my first pastor. He had such an impact on me.
Prior to meeting with him in August 2007, I don't think we'd ever had any face to face contact. That day is and will remain one of my sweetest memories ever. He led me to the Lord in his office that day. He's obviously going to have a special place in my heart and testimony for the rest of my life.
But it didn't stop that day. He genuinely cared and we knew it. He grasped the enormity of what it meant for me to commit to Christ and leave my family. He understood that never having been churched in my first 32 years of life presented some challenges. He had patience with that and direction.
He was the pastor who baptized me. For the average person, this would be an amazing event in their life with Christ. It was for me, but it was terrifying. Given my history, having a man push me underwater struck fear in me deeper than I understood. When he and my counselor found out that I was thinking of canceling because of my anxiety, they jumped in. Both of them took me to the baptistry for dry runs. They also met with me the morning of my baptism to pray for me. Thanks to them, it happened and remains one of my favorite days.
Less than two months after becoming a Christian, I caught my boss embezzling money from the clinic where I worked. To give a bit of context, by then my counselor had me in a routine of a few sessions each week. Given what I came from and the flood of memories, it was necessary for safety and to keep me from running away from the church. So, my counselor was on vacation and had set me up for appointments with the pastor. Something he willingly did whenever she was gone.
I walked into his office the Monday after catching my boss. I couldn't wrap my head around what had happened. I couldn't understand why. He said something to me that stuck with me and I still apply today when I can't understand the depths of evil that I see. He said that I couldn't understand her sin because I wasn't like her. It didn't mean that I didn't have sin in my life. However, it meant that my mind couldn't go to that level of depravity. I couldn't understand stealing because I wasn't a thief. He went on to say it was a good thing I couldn't understand it. Wow! I don't have to scratch my head and wonder how anyone could kill or rape or do a lot of other things. I just have to be thankful that I don't have a mind that understands those things.
There were so many times when I missed my nieces and nephews so much that I couldn't hardly bare to be away from them. Near Thanksgiving the second year, I was struggling a lot with that. The pastor emailed me and suggested I listen to a Natalie Grant song called In Better Hands. He had heard the song on the radio and made him think of me. He included the lyrics to the song. He was right. Choosing Christ over my family meant I was in better hands. That song easily encapsulated all I was feeling and the truth that I was much better off.
He was an imperfect man who was a mouthpiece for a perfect God. I can't say he never messed up, he did. But what was awesome is the amount of grace taught me by being humble with his faults. He apologized when he was wrong or forgot something. He was never angered when I screwed up, offering loving correction. There was more to this than just learning grace. I learned that a man besides my husband could be trusted. Not every man wanted to hurt me. That I could have healthy friendships with a man. A man could apologize when he was wrong. Those were all things I had to learn for my healing.
This pastor has since moved back to the states as his time in Greece has ended. He is now pastoring a church in St. Louis. On one of our trips through, we will have to stop to hear him preach again. I can't hardly believe it has been eight years since I heard him preach the first time, nor what has taken place since then.
Reflecting is such an awesome way to see what God has done in my life and the people he has used. I hope I never forget people like my first pastor and I hope I never take for granted the way he allowed God to use him in my life.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Sidelined
What a difference a day makes!
I've been stuck in this emotional circle and certainly focused on me. It's had me down, no doubt. Don't get me wrong, my grief is absolutely right and appropriate.
Easter is this week. It's another holiday that we used to spend with my husbands family. It's a very spiritual and very oriented holiday. Those things make it hard here in Ohio. It isn't like we can make the trip for Easter Sunday, it's a 14 hour drive. With the exception of the sermon content, it will be like any other Sunday for us.
It's also one of those Sunday's that not having children slaps us in the face. We don't get to teach our children about the resurrection. We also don't get to do the commercialized things like buy dresses and dye eggs.
Those things are ok to grieve. Loneliness and loss deserve acknowledgement. They are unique to a small portion of the population. Infertility and the loneliness of living over 600 miles away from friends and family aren't known to everyone.
Those things are certainly ever present for me this week, but have taken a bit of sideline. My relatively boring life has suddenly gotten busy this week.
Our new puppy has his first vet appointment today along with our oldest who has a thyroid problem.
My primary focus has shifted to my husband. He tore his bicep on Sunday and has been in a lot of pain. We saw a specialist today and he's had tests. We should know soon if surgery is needed. Either way, he's got about six months of healing to do.
It's so different seeing him down. My strong husband is broken. His arm has a decreased range of motion and very little strength without pain. I watched a doctor half his size twist his hand because he has no strength right now. Up until that point, I'd been very matter of fact. That's how I get in an emergency situation. I take charge and systematically get things done without panic. I don't sugar coat things and lay out a plan for worst case scenario.
I'm completely opposite of I'm the one with an emergency. But with him, I got things done with guidance from a nurse friend. Seeing the doctor was the right direction. But when I saw that my husbands strength was gone, I melted. It's tough seeing your tough guy broken and in pain. Selfishly, I prayed not for his healing, but his strength to be restored.
Obviously I don't want him to have to go through surgery. But if he does, I'll step up and do what I need to then.
I have a bunch of schoolwork to do this week as well. I started slow Monday thinking I'd have a slow week to get it all done. Now I'm scrambling to make sure it is done. I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm glad I'm available when my husband needs me.
I've been stuck in this emotional circle and certainly focused on me. It's had me down, no doubt. Don't get me wrong, my grief is absolutely right and appropriate.
Easter is this week. It's another holiday that we used to spend with my husbands family. It's a very spiritual and very oriented holiday. Those things make it hard here in Ohio. It isn't like we can make the trip for Easter Sunday, it's a 14 hour drive. With the exception of the sermon content, it will be like any other Sunday for us.
It's also one of those Sunday's that not having children slaps us in the face. We don't get to teach our children about the resurrection. We also don't get to do the commercialized things like buy dresses and dye eggs.
Those things are ok to grieve. Loneliness and loss deserve acknowledgement. They are unique to a small portion of the population. Infertility and the loneliness of living over 600 miles away from friends and family aren't known to everyone.
Those things are certainly ever present for me this week, but have taken a bit of sideline. My relatively boring life has suddenly gotten busy this week.
Our new puppy has his first vet appointment today along with our oldest who has a thyroid problem.
My primary focus has shifted to my husband. He tore his bicep on Sunday and has been in a lot of pain. We saw a specialist today and he's had tests. We should know soon if surgery is needed. Either way, he's got about six months of healing to do.
It's so different seeing him down. My strong husband is broken. His arm has a decreased range of motion and very little strength without pain. I watched a doctor half his size twist his hand because he has no strength right now. Up until that point, I'd been very matter of fact. That's how I get in an emergency situation. I take charge and systematically get things done without panic. I don't sugar coat things and lay out a plan for worst case scenario.
I'm completely opposite of I'm the one with an emergency. But with him, I got things done with guidance from a nurse friend. Seeing the doctor was the right direction. But when I saw that my husbands strength was gone, I melted. It's tough seeing your tough guy broken and in pain. Selfishly, I prayed not for his healing, but his strength to be restored.
Obviously I don't want him to have to go through surgery. But if he does, I'll step up and do what I need to then.
I have a bunch of schoolwork to do this week as well. I started slow Monday thinking I'd have a slow week to get it all done. Now I'm scrambling to make sure it is done. I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm glad I'm available when my husband needs me.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Laws, Rights & Restrooms
Our neighboring state has gone and opened a can of worms with their new law allowing business to refuse service to gay, lesbian and transgendered.
With this new law in Indiana, I can't help but consider my thoughts on the matter.
Keep in mind, I tend to be less conservative in my views on gay rights than most of my Christian counterparts. My views get into this gray area because of the homosexuals I know and love.
My first tendency is to fall in line with the bible. The bible is very clear that homosexuality is wrong. However, the bible is also very clear that we are to love one another with no specification that the other must be heterosexual. When we see homosexuality for what it is, a sin, then we must put it in the same category with our own sin. Sin is sin!
God loves us, but hates our sin. He is very clear that judgement is His, not ours. Therefore, we are not to judge. Matthew 7:5 is a wonderful example of this and there are many more. It doesn't mean that we shouldn't lovingly confront those we care about with concern for their sin. However, the bible never gives us permission to attack, turn our backs on or not love those who sin based on what their sin is.
That being said, I don't have hatred toward homosexuals. I can't. It's not in me and it's not biblical. I don't condone those who protest or attack verbally and physically homosexuals. I absolutely do not support churches to preach and encourage hatred toward homosexuals as a people group.
Because I do have several gay friends and family, I do see a need for laws that would allow some protection for them and their significant other. They have combined businesses, homes, assets and there is very little protection for them if the relationship breaks apart or one of them dies. Most states offer more protection for a man and woman living together than homosexuals living together. To me, that falls more in line with general rights as a person.
One muddy area for me is gay marriage. Currently in states that do not recognize it, there is very little to keep couples from taking advantage of the state and previous spouses or opposing parents. For example, I know a couple in Kansas who are manipulating the system. The one has no children and makes a 6 figure income. The other has several children with different men. She does not work. She receives all sorts of support from the state and high child support from the fathers. The state is also paying her tuition for a Masters degree. They live better than most. They were married in another state, but the marriage is not recognized in Kansas. Do you see a problem here? I do. This couple should not qualify for all they have given the couple's combined income. This happens all the time! And WE pay for it!
As for the new law, it might surprise you to know I fully support it. While I do believe we need laws that protect homosexuals, we also need laws to protect everyone else.
This law is a direct result of businesses being sued over refusing service to homosexuals. Honestly, every business needs to have the right to refuse service to anyone. They should be able to refuse to serve anyone for a good reason. Attitude. Personal conflict. Religious beliefs. And, it shouldn't just pertain to homosexuals. I believe if a homosexual owns a flower or catering business and is not comfortable providing service for a heterosexual wedding, they should have the right to refuse service.
I worked in a care and service industry for 10 years. We had every right to refuse service to someone who was hateful or didn't pay their bills. Sometimes being hateful was the way they treated people and sometimes it was more about their lack of respect for appointment times.
Honestly, refusing service to someone because of their sin isn't necessarily a choice to exercise religious freedom. It's a personal choice that the business owner makes based on the confidence they have in their business. Do we really live in a climate where business can be turned away? Can businesses afford to welcome a bad reputation? Is any business or business owner spotless enough to point a finger at someone else's sin? I don't know. That is for each individual to figure out.
I'm not sure why anyone would want to patronize a business who has refused service to them. If I'm uncomfortable somewhere or not welcome, I don't go back. So someone doesn't want to cater your gay wedding...go find someone who will. I wasn't treated very well while shopping for a niece at one of those skinny clothing stores. No biggie. I left. Never went back. Don't have good things to say about them.
There are other issues in this same realm that probably need more attention. Restrooms are probably the highest on my list. I am absolutely 100% against transsexuals using the wrong restroom. A man does not belong in the women's restroom and vice versa. You can argue that a man dressed as a woman would be awkward in the men's restroom. I don't really care. A man can put a dress over his junk, but the fact remains that he's still got his junk. Therefore, he does not belong in my bathroom!!! Honestly, my husband doesn't want him in the men's restroom either, but that's where he belongs.
This restroom issue crosses into safety and privacy issues. What is going to keep some child molester freak from cross-dressing just to get access to girls and women? I know this is a growing issue with much higher consequences and it needs to be addressed.
I'm all for the rights of people. So, let's also start protecting and developing laws for heterosexuals too.
With this new law in Indiana, I can't help but consider my thoughts on the matter.
Keep in mind, I tend to be less conservative in my views on gay rights than most of my Christian counterparts. My views get into this gray area because of the homosexuals I know and love.
My first tendency is to fall in line with the bible. The bible is very clear that homosexuality is wrong. However, the bible is also very clear that we are to love one another with no specification that the other must be heterosexual. When we see homosexuality for what it is, a sin, then we must put it in the same category with our own sin. Sin is sin!
God loves us, but hates our sin. He is very clear that judgement is His, not ours. Therefore, we are not to judge. Matthew 7:5 is a wonderful example of this and there are many more. It doesn't mean that we shouldn't lovingly confront those we care about with concern for their sin. However, the bible never gives us permission to attack, turn our backs on or not love those who sin based on what their sin is.
That being said, I don't have hatred toward homosexuals. I can't. It's not in me and it's not biblical. I don't condone those who protest or attack verbally and physically homosexuals. I absolutely do not support churches to preach and encourage hatred toward homosexuals as a people group.
Because I do have several gay friends and family, I do see a need for laws that would allow some protection for them and their significant other. They have combined businesses, homes, assets and there is very little protection for them if the relationship breaks apart or one of them dies. Most states offer more protection for a man and woman living together than homosexuals living together. To me, that falls more in line with general rights as a person.
One muddy area for me is gay marriage. Currently in states that do not recognize it, there is very little to keep couples from taking advantage of the state and previous spouses or opposing parents. For example, I know a couple in Kansas who are manipulating the system. The one has no children and makes a 6 figure income. The other has several children with different men. She does not work. She receives all sorts of support from the state and high child support from the fathers. The state is also paying her tuition for a Masters degree. They live better than most. They were married in another state, but the marriage is not recognized in Kansas. Do you see a problem here? I do. This couple should not qualify for all they have given the couple's combined income. This happens all the time! And WE pay for it!
As for the new law, it might surprise you to know I fully support it. While I do believe we need laws that protect homosexuals, we also need laws to protect everyone else.
This law is a direct result of businesses being sued over refusing service to homosexuals. Honestly, every business needs to have the right to refuse service to anyone. They should be able to refuse to serve anyone for a good reason. Attitude. Personal conflict. Religious beliefs. And, it shouldn't just pertain to homosexuals. I believe if a homosexual owns a flower or catering business and is not comfortable providing service for a heterosexual wedding, they should have the right to refuse service.
I worked in a care and service industry for 10 years. We had every right to refuse service to someone who was hateful or didn't pay their bills. Sometimes being hateful was the way they treated people and sometimes it was more about their lack of respect for appointment times.
Honestly, refusing service to someone because of their sin isn't necessarily a choice to exercise religious freedom. It's a personal choice that the business owner makes based on the confidence they have in their business. Do we really live in a climate where business can be turned away? Can businesses afford to welcome a bad reputation? Is any business or business owner spotless enough to point a finger at someone else's sin? I don't know. That is for each individual to figure out.
I'm not sure why anyone would want to patronize a business who has refused service to them. If I'm uncomfortable somewhere or not welcome, I don't go back. So someone doesn't want to cater your gay wedding...go find someone who will. I wasn't treated very well while shopping for a niece at one of those skinny clothing stores. No biggie. I left. Never went back. Don't have good things to say about them.
There are other issues in this same realm that probably need more attention. Restrooms are probably the highest on my list. I am absolutely 100% against transsexuals using the wrong restroom. A man does not belong in the women's restroom and vice versa. You can argue that a man dressed as a woman would be awkward in the men's restroom. I don't really care. A man can put a dress over his junk, but the fact remains that he's still got his junk. Therefore, he does not belong in my bathroom!!! Honestly, my husband doesn't want him in the men's restroom either, but that's where he belongs.
This restroom issue crosses into safety and privacy issues. What is going to keep some child molester freak from cross-dressing just to get access to girls and women? I know this is a growing issue with much higher consequences and it needs to be addressed.
I'm all for the rights of people. So, let's also start protecting and developing laws for heterosexuals too.
Monday, March 30, 2015
1 Year and 40
There's really nothing more exciting right now than having my husband home. This week is a three day weekend, so I'm super excited. It helps a little bit with the loneliness.
The past few days have been hard and I think I'm facing a month full of them.
Nothing awful is happening. Life is about as good as it gets here. But we've started into our 12th month here and my last month in my 30s. Two things that would have been much easier if they didn't fall at exactly the same time.
The sad part of coming up on a year of living here is looking back at the year. I'm so excited to be moving past this point in life.
I can't honestly say which is worse, saying goodbye to your friends or spending a year missing them. I spent the entire month of April last year saying goodbye to all of my friends. We played bunco, had parties, spent hours at lunches or dinners.
When someone says they are moving away, I know what sometimes happens. Everyone wants to spend time with them before they leave, but life gets so busy and those things don't happen. Life got busy for me, but I didn't let that happen. I spent time with every person who asked and left with no regrets. The saddest part of it all is that it's now been a year since I've seen a lot of these people.
Days before we left, our friends threw us a going away party and birthday party. It was wonderful!
There's nothing fun about moving within days of your birthday. My 39th kind of passed and has been a blur.
I'm not bothered by turning 40. I know it'll sound vain, but I don't feel old and I don't think I look 40. So, 40 isn't bothering me. But missing my friends, being alone here, that's bothering me.
A lot of my friends are early 40s or in their 30s. We have celebrated several 40th birthdays and were supposed to celebrate a few this year, including mine. It'll be hard to see the pictures of those celebrations, knowing I am not part of them in any way at all.
Here's the worst part of my upcoming birthday. I never liked my birthdays. Hated them. Always wished I'd never been born. Then, a very special woman changed that for me. Seven years ago, she taught me why it's such a special day. Each year, we celebrated in a special way. She didn't celebrate with me, she celebrated me. It changed me, changed my view of God and made me not hate the day I was born like my parents had.
Sure, I'm disappointed that there won't be a party with friends. I'm probably more disappointed that I won't have my special time celebrating with my friend.
It's a Sunday. We will go to church, but maybe we can start a new tradition. It won't be the same.
The past few days have been hard and I think I'm facing a month full of them.
Nothing awful is happening. Life is about as good as it gets here. But we've started into our 12th month here and my last month in my 30s. Two things that would have been much easier if they didn't fall at exactly the same time.
The sad part of coming up on a year of living here is looking back at the year. I'm so excited to be moving past this point in life.
I can't honestly say which is worse, saying goodbye to your friends or spending a year missing them. I spent the entire month of April last year saying goodbye to all of my friends. We played bunco, had parties, spent hours at lunches or dinners.
When someone says they are moving away, I know what sometimes happens. Everyone wants to spend time with them before they leave, but life gets so busy and those things don't happen. Life got busy for me, but I didn't let that happen. I spent time with every person who asked and left with no regrets. The saddest part of it all is that it's now been a year since I've seen a lot of these people.
Days before we left, our friends threw us a going away party and birthday party. It was wonderful!
There's nothing fun about moving within days of your birthday. My 39th kind of passed and has been a blur.
I'm not bothered by turning 40. I know it'll sound vain, but I don't feel old and I don't think I look 40. So, 40 isn't bothering me. But missing my friends, being alone here, that's bothering me.
A lot of my friends are early 40s or in their 30s. We have celebrated several 40th birthdays and were supposed to celebrate a few this year, including mine. It'll be hard to see the pictures of those celebrations, knowing I am not part of them in any way at all.
Here's the worst part of my upcoming birthday. I never liked my birthdays. Hated them. Always wished I'd never been born. Then, a very special woman changed that for me. Seven years ago, she taught me why it's such a special day. Each year, we celebrated in a special way. She didn't celebrate with me, she celebrated me. It changed me, changed my view of God and made me not hate the day I was born like my parents had.
Sure, I'm disappointed that there won't be a party with friends. I'm probably more disappointed that I won't have my special time celebrating with my friend.
It's a Sunday. We will go to church, but maybe we can start a new tradition. It won't be the same.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Pink Blanket
Lately, I've had a tough time sleeping. That gives me an opportunity to watch hours of late night news. In the late night news, more time is spent covering the latest news stories. The past few nights, it has been the latest plane crash.
While every incident is incredibly sad, I am usually glued to the details of each crash. In fact, I get wrapped up in the details and forget about the people.
This latest crash is unraveling like a soap opera. The main pilot gets locked out of the cockpit and the co pilot crashes the plane into the Alps. Someone had a mental issue!
The past few years have given us some of the most fascinating crashes for those who get caught up in the details. A plane is landed on the Hudson River and nobody dies. Another plan crashes into a river in Taiwan and there are survivors. Another goes missing over an ocean a year ago and to date not one piece of wreckage has been found. Leaving room for speculation that the plane was hijacked and was landed somewhere. There have been others. Suicidal pilots or catastrophic failures. We've seen a hodge podge of air catastrophes.
Tonight as I watched the coverage, I saw what appeared to be a small pink blanket. It struck me that it likely belonged to a little girl. Amongst the wreckage, you could easily make out clothing and suitcases. That humanizes it in an instant.
I've never lost anyone in a plane crash, thank God. However, I once met a woman who later died in a plane crash.
The woman was the sister of a former co-worker.
I remember the day she got the call at work. Her sister, niece and the sisters boyfriend had left South Dakota for Nebraska in a small plane. The plane had lost contact and they were unsure where they were. Because small planes do not have to file flight plans, they were missing for several days before anyone knew. Once they knew, there was still a hope they'd made a last minute change and were enjoying a vacation somewhere.
It was the beginning of winter and the beginning of the snowy season. By the time anyone began to search, several feet of snow had fallen in the area they had possibly gone down. Everyone search anyway. The general search area was confirmed by several farmers who reported hearing a plane with engine trouble.
Toward spring, several months later, the snow finally began to melt. Once the snow was gone, a farmer came upon the wreckage site. Searchers had been on top of it more times than they could count.
My co-worker headed north and we received pictures. It was a horrific sight. Something that has stuck with me.
The engine was about three feet into the ground from impact. The plane was in small pieces, with some recognizable. There were clothes and specifically a red sweater. Not far from the sweater was a hand. Yes, amongst the debri and clothes were body parts. Very few body parts were retrieved from the scene and the caskets at the funeral were nearly empty.
My goodness, that certainly humanizes the accident. It was one of the saddest funerals I've ever attended. The preteen surviving son/brother who'd not made the trip was devastated. At the cemetery, he laid himself across the caskets and held on as long as they let him.
For all I've been through in life, I've never had to experience something like this any closer than with my co-worker. I have lost cousins and friends to suicide and car accidents. Those were similar, but not quite the same.
I've thought about that experience many times over the past 15 years. I often think about it when I'm forgetting the true human loss in a tragedy. As much as I try to understand itt never makes sense, but we always have to understand that nothing happens outside of God's will.
It's not always just a story. There's usually real people involved.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Walk by Faith
Jeremy Camp's song Walk by Faith came on the radio during my drive home today. It's a cold, rainy day. It's also a season of remembering life a year ago.
One year ago today (Thursday), we were here in Ohio. We had spent a good deal of the week looking at houses. Ours in KC had a contract and my husband was expected to be moved and start work here by the first week of May.
The house we found was the last one we looked at and probably the last possible one for sale in the county. It had been on the market for one day when we first looked. It was a bit cluttered, but had everything we wanted.
We (really me) wanted a large kitchen, separate dining room, large bedroom, fenced yard and an outbuilding or basement. It was one of three houses that had everything. It was the only one without a basement. It was also the one we both easily agreed on. Our other two houses were about the same in size, but in two completely different places. One was in town and the other was at the lake.
Realistically, the house was priced below what it should have appraised at. We'd later find out different because the previous owners trashed the house after they had the contract. I've covered all that before. We got a mess!
Anyway....
We had made it through the inspection process on our KC house and were as comfortable as we could be at the time. So, we made an offer on this house and it was accepted. About an hour before we met with our agent here, we got word that the buyer on our KC house was having second thoughts and may ask for an amendment on the contract. Our agents assured us everything would be fine and we should move forward with the contract here.
The next day, we heard from the agent here that our offer was accepted. An hour later, we heard from the KC agent that we'd lost the contract on our home there.
The buyer had decided he wanted $10,000 off the price of the house. Without consulting us first, one of our agents said absolutely not and refused to negotiate. In addition, our agent acted completely inappropriately on our behalf, cussing out the buyer and his agents.
I was angry, frustrated and scared. The financial complications didn't scare me as much as the idea of being stuck 600 miles away from husband come May. I was also determined. I remember saying to my husband over and over that we had to continue walking by faith. We had to believe that God had a plan and this was all part of it.
There were times in the days following that I fell to my knees, begging God to strengthen my faith in Him. I didn't need to control this and didn't need to know how it was all to happen. I listened to that song and many others over and over. I'd sing them in the shower and blast them in the car during the hours we waited on potential buyers to walk through the house.
It didn't take long. We had another contract on the house within 5 days. That ended up being another mess after our move. That contract fell apart because of a failed contingency. We fired agents, hired a new agent. Our new agent took over in early August and we closed on the house on September 8.
Those six months were hard, frustrating and long. They took us up to the brink of financial ruin. We spent a lot of time wrapped up in the emotions. In that time, I was incredibly sick. We prayed, a lot. We doubted our faith. We questioned what we had done wrong.
I'm so thankful for this blog and social media. They give me a picture of what things were really like. We lived in the daily emotion, but we were walking by faith. Our faith was growing. Each hurdle made us lean more and more on the sufficiency of God and not our own.
I hope that moving forward, I can remember that in everything, I must continue to walk by faith even when I cannot see.
One year ago today (Thursday), we were here in Ohio. We had spent a good deal of the week looking at houses. Ours in KC had a contract and my husband was expected to be moved and start work here by the first week of May.
The house we found was the last one we looked at and probably the last possible one for sale in the county. It had been on the market for one day when we first looked. It was a bit cluttered, but had everything we wanted.
We (really me) wanted a large kitchen, separate dining room, large bedroom, fenced yard and an outbuilding or basement. It was one of three houses that had everything. It was the only one without a basement. It was also the one we both easily agreed on. Our other two houses were about the same in size, but in two completely different places. One was in town and the other was at the lake.
Realistically, the house was priced below what it should have appraised at. We'd later find out different because the previous owners trashed the house after they had the contract. I've covered all that before. We got a mess!
Anyway....
We had made it through the inspection process on our KC house and were as comfortable as we could be at the time. So, we made an offer on this house and it was accepted. About an hour before we met with our agent here, we got word that the buyer on our KC house was having second thoughts and may ask for an amendment on the contract. Our agents assured us everything would be fine and we should move forward with the contract here.
The next day, we heard from the agent here that our offer was accepted. An hour later, we heard from the KC agent that we'd lost the contract on our home there.
The buyer had decided he wanted $10,000 off the price of the house. Without consulting us first, one of our agents said absolutely not and refused to negotiate. In addition, our agent acted completely inappropriately on our behalf, cussing out the buyer and his agents.
I was angry, frustrated and scared. The financial complications didn't scare me as much as the idea of being stuck 600 miles away from husband come May. I was also determined. I remember saying to my husband over and over that we had to continue walking by faith. We had to believe that God had a plan and this was all part of it.
There were times in the days following that I fell to my knees, begging God to strengthen my faith in Him. I didn't need to control this and didn't need to know how it was all to happen. I listened to that song and many others over and over. I'd sing them in the shower and blast them in the car during the hours we waited on potential buyers to walk through the house.
It didn't take long. We had another contract on the house within 5 days. That ended up being another mess after our move. That contract fell apart because of a failed contingency. We fired agents, hired a new agent. Our new agent took over in early August and we closed on the house on September 8.
Those six months were hard, frustrating and long. They took us up to the brink of financial ruin. We spent a lot of time wrapped up in the emotions. In that time, I was incredibly sick. We prayed, a lot. We doubted our faith. We questioned what we had done wrong.
I'm so thankful for this blog and social media. They give me a picture of what things were really like. We lived in the daily emotion, but we were walking by faith. Our faith was growing. Each hurdle made us lean more and more on the sufficiency of God and not our own.
I hope that moving forward, I can remember that in everything, I must continue to walk by faith even when I cannot see.
Friday, March 27, 2015
They Risk it All
If you are in the Cincinnati area, you've probably heard about the loss of a fire fighter in the line of duty. For good reason, it has saturated our news here. He lost his life after checking an apartment building for more people.
When I see news stories like this, I am reminded of the many people I know who risk their lives for others.
We have friends who are police officers, fire fighters and EMTs. We have friends who've been to Iraq, Afghanastan and many other places to maintain our freedom and fight for freedom for others. I have one cousin currently serving in the army and one who is a marine. One has seen combat, one will soon.
While we cannot fathom putting ourselves in the danger they do, most of them do so without thought of their own personal risk. Some do so because they thrive on adrenaline and others do it because they have been called to their profession.
They go into places when others are running out. They search and rescue or retrieve. I am compassionate for people, but I'm not sure I have what it takes to run into a burning building or treat an accident victim or face off against an insurgent or raid a drug house.
I admire these people immensely. It breaks my heart when they don't make it home after a shift. It reminds me to pray for those I know doing the same.
It also makes me think of my brothers. I haven't always agreed with their decisions or how they've lived their lives. However, their decisions to be first responders has always made me proud and filled me with fear.
The older of my brothers is probably no longer serving in this capacity. I'm just not sure. His heart was in water rescue. He spent hours and hours training, first working for a private water rescue organization. He later helped form a county supported water rescue team. You might not think that there is much need for water rescue in the midwest, but there is.
Flooding can be a huge issue. I know many times, he had to rescue stubborn farmers by way of jet ski through fields. The area usually has several fishing/swimming deaths each year. On rivers and lakes, there are often rescue and recovery needs.
Because I haven't had much contact with him since early 2006, I don't know many of his experiences. I do know he was asked to work recovery after hurricane Katrina. I'm not sure if he went or not. I never worried much about his safety, but was always proud that he chose to help people.
My youngest brother is a volunteer fire fighter and has been for many years. After living in a big city and small towns, I can say there are a lot of difference between city fire departments and volunteer fire departments. Volunteers in small communities go to everything. They are the first responders. Accidents. Fires. They even worked a herd of wandering cows here.
I know my brother has worked a lot of fires and accidents in his small town. When the fire department is dispatched, a loud siren is sounded and the firemen available race to the station. Everyone in town knows and respectfully stays put for the 5-10 minutes it takes to get everyone to the station. It is a town of 2,000 people. No matter what he is called to, he knows the people involved.
Although he never talks about it, I know some of what he has responded to has affected him deeply. Most notably is the overturned truck in the creek where my brother was first rescuer for a deceased young man. Before going in, he had no idea it was his brother-in-law.
Again, I'm incredibly proud of him. I may not agree with so much he does and I may not have a relationship with him. But I love him and his heart to help people.
Each time I hear a story about a service person or first responder who has died during service, my heart drops to my stomach. I know it could easily be one of the many people I love. I feel badly for the families who have lost a loved one, but find myself being thankful it wasn't my loved one this time.
When I see news stories like this, I am reminded of the many people I know who risk their lives for others.
We have friends who are police officers, fire fighters and EMTs. We have friends who've been to Iraq, Afghanastan and many other places to maintain our freedom and fight for freedom for others. I have one cousin currently serving in the army and one who is a marine. One has seen combat, one will soon.
While we cannot fathom putting ourselves in the danger they do, most of them do so without thought of their own personal risk. Some do so because they thrive on adrenaline and others do it because they have been called to their profession.
They go into places when others are running out. They search and rescue or retrieve. I am compassionate for people, but I'm not sure I have what it takes to run into a burning building or treat an accident victim or face off against an insurgent or raid a drug house.
I admire these people immensely. It breaks my heart when they don't make it home after a shift. It reminds me to pray for those I know doing the same.
It also makes me think of my brothers. I haven't always agreed with their decisions or how they've lived their lives. However, their decisions to be first responders has always made me proud and filled me with fear.
The older of my brothers is probably no longer serving in this capacity. I'm just not sure. His heart was in water rescue. He spent hours and hours training, first working for a private water rescue organization. He later helped form a county supported water rescue team. You might not think that there is much need for water rescue in the midwest, but there is.
Flooding can be a huge issue. I know many times, he had to rescue stubborn farmers by way of jet ski through fields. The area usually has several fishing/swimming deaths each year. On rivers and lakes, there are often rescue and recovery needs.
Because I haven't had much contact with him since early 2006, I don't know many of his experiences. I do know he was asked to work recovery after hurricane Katrina. I'm not sure if he went or not. I never worried much about his safety, but was always proud that he chose to help people.
My youngest brother is a volunteer fire fighter and has been for many years. After living in a big city and small towns, I can say there are a lot of difference between city fire departments and volunteer fire departments. Volunteers in small communities go to everything. They are the first responders. Accidents. Fires. They even worked a herd of wandering cows here.
I know my brother has worked a lot of fires and accidents in his small town. When the fire department is dispatched, a loud siren is sounded and the firemen available race to the station. Everyone in town knows and respectfully stays put for the 5-10 minutes it takes to get everyone to the station. It is a town of 2,000 people. No matter what he is called to, he knows the people involved.
Although he never talks about it, I know some of what he has responded to has affected him deeply. Most notably is the overturned truck in the creek where my brother was first rescuer for a deceased young man. Before going in, he had no idea it was his brother-in-law.
Again, I'm incredibly proud of him. I may not agree with so much he does and I may not have a relationship with him. But I love him and his heart to help people.
Each time I hear a story about a service person or first responder who has died during service, my heart drops to my stomach. I know it could easily be one of the many people I love. I feel badly for the families who have lost a loved one, but find myself being thankful it wasn't my loved one this time.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Anonymous Haters
I am certainly glad that I have matured and can usually (eventually) let things go. I'm not saying I do this perfectly, but I can usually work my way through issues and let them go. Obviously, the bigger the issue, the longer it takes.
It has taken me a long time to let go of a lot of my childhood hurts and it's still a process of doing that. I guess what I am really talking about are relational issues.
Last week, I got a private email from a anonymous source. It wasn't very nice at all. It wasn't so anonymous since I could reasonably deduct who it was from by what was said. Honestly, I won't go into what was said. However, it is safe to call what I received a form of cyber bullying. Frankly, it was nasty and hateful and even threatening.
Like I have said in the past, unless someone says something to me, I have no clue who reads my blog. My assumption is and always has been that I write for myself and have nothing that anyone would care to read. My blog has 100s of readers each day and many who read multiple pages. The website allows me to see those statistics, as well as some from location and type of browser. They are very general demographics/statistics with no specific information of who the readers are. Don't worry, your personal information is safe on this side of things. I have no clue who you are.
That being said, my blog is public. I don't purposely share it unless I trust the person and don't really want it widely shared amongst people I know. People I know, complete strangers and even people who don't like me at all have access to my blog.
Obviously, I do have some followers who are haters or I wouldn't have received a hateful email. This isn't my first and I'm sure won't be my last.
Because of what was said in the email, I was able to identify the sender. Here is what was obvious. Some people do not let things go.
I'll admit, there are people out there who don't like me and even hate me. (I'm not sure why, but some of them even read this blog.) I have done things that people haven't forgotten and obviously haven't forgiven. I haven't killed anyone or slept with anyone's husband or stolen anything from anyone. But I know I've done things to people I shouldn't. I have also apologized for many of them.
I also know there are people out there who blame me for things they shouldn't or have false grievances against me. I hate to point fingers, but.... These are the people who were once friends and something came between us. The relationship wasn't good and had to end. There was usually a lack of self-awareness or denial of sin that drove a wedge between us. I may not have handled myself the best way possible and further irritated the situation. I may have even had fault, but the fault was not all my own.
Here's the thing though. There is nobody, and I repeat...nobody, that I have not forgiven. Including myself. Whatever the issue, I have moved on. Not only that, but I have made a decision to remember and value what was good in those relationships as I move on. I remember what brought us together, the things I learned, the laughs we had and the ways the relationship grew and encouraged me. If you knew how toxic some of my relationships have been, you'd understand why it has been such a big deal to do that. Keep in mind that remembering the good and forgiving the past doesn't necessarily mean there is a reunion.
So, this is my indirect response to cyber bullying and maybe even a direct response to those who read my blog even though they loathe me. I don't hate you. I value you and the place you once had in my life. Every experience I've had has grown me and increased my faith. Whatever has happened, I have moved on. I have prayed my way through some of the deepest hurts and believe in full forgiveness. It has been freeing to do so. I pray you can do the same and let go of the anger or hurt you may still feel. If, after some self-reflection, you truly believe I owe you an apology, please feel free to come to me in private and not anonymously. I would love the opportunity to help free you from the chains of anger and hurt.
As for those of you reading that this doesn't apply to, maybe it does. Is there a hurt or injustice in your life that you just can't let go of? Do the chains of unforgiveness still bind you? I encourage you to pray through that. Go to the person if necessary. I believe you will find life is much easier when you can let go of unforgiveness. You may even find joy in choosing to remember more positive attributes of past relationships.
It has taken me a long time to let go of a lot of my childhood hurts and it's still a process of doing that. I guess what I am really talking about are relational issues.
Last week, I got a private email from a anonymous source. It wasn't very nice at all. It wasn't so anonymous since I could reasonably deduct who it was from by what was said. Honestly, I won't go into what was said. However, it is safe to call what I received a form of cyber bullying. Frankly, it was nasty and hateful and even threatening.
Like I have said in the past, unless someone says something to me, I have no clue who reads my blog. My assumption is and always has been that I write for myself and have nothing that anyone would care to read. My blog has 100s of readers each day and many who read multiple pages. The website allows me to see those statistics, as well as some from location and type of browser. They are very general demographics/statistics with no specific information of who the readers are. Don't worry, your personal information is safe on this side of things. I have no clue who you are.
That being said, my blog is public. I don't purposely share it unless I trust the person and don't really want it widely shared amongst people I know. People I know, complete strangers and even people who don't like me at all have access to my blog.
Obviously, I do have some followers who are haters or I wouldn't have received a hateful email. This isn't my first and I'm sure won't be my last.
Because of what was said in the email, I was able to identify the sender. Here is what was obvious. Some people do not let things go.
I'll admit, there are people out there who don't like me and even hate me. (I'm not sure why, but some of them even read this blog.) I have done things that people haven't forgotten and obviously haven't forgiven. I haven't killed anyone or slept with anyone's husband or stolen anything from anyone. But I know I've done things to people I shouldn't. I have also apologized for many of them.
I also know there are people out there who blame me for things they shouldn't or have false grievances against me. I hate to point fingers, but.... These are the people who were once friends and something came between us. The relationship wasn't good and had to end. There was usually a lack of self-awareness or denial of sin that drove a wedge between us. I may not have handled myself the best way possible and further irritated the situation. I may have even had fault, but the fault was not all my own.
Here's the thing though. There is nobody, and I repeat...nobody, that I have not forgiven. Including myself. Whatever the issue, I have moved on. Not only that, but I have made a decision to remember and value what was good in those relationships as I move on. I remember what brought us together, the things I learned, the laughs we had and the ways the relationship grew and encouraged me. If you knew how toxic some of my relationships have been, you'd understand why it has been such a big deal to do that. Keep in mind that remembering the good and forgiving the past doesn't necessarily mean there is a reunion.
So, this is my indirect response to cyber bullying and maybe even a direct response to those who read my blog even though they loathe me. I don't hate you. I value you and the place you once had in my life. Every experience I've had has grown me and increased my faith. Whatever has happened, I have moved on. I have prayed my way through some of the deepest hurts and believe in full forgiveness. It has been freeing to do so. I pray you can do the same and let go of the anger or hurt you may still feel. If, after some self-reflection, you truly believe I owe you an apology, please feel free to come to me in private and not anonymously. I would love the opportunity to help free you from the chains of anger and hurt.
As for those of you reading that this doesn't apply to, maybe it does. Is there a hurt or injustice in your life that you just can't let go of? Do the chains of unforgiveness still bind you? I encourage you to pray through that. Go to the person if necessary. I believe you will find life is much easier when you can let go of unforgiveness. You may even find joy in choosing to remember more positive attributes of past relationships.
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