“You know all that sympathy that you feel for an abused child who suffers without a good mom or dad to love and care for them? Well, they don't stay children forever. No one magically becomes an adult the day they turn eighteen. Some people grow up sooner, many grow up later. Some never really do. But just remember that some people in this world are older versions of those same kids we cry for.”
― Ashly Lorenzana
This isn't meant to be a post about abuse as much as informative thoughts and very specifically about expectations.
To be absolutely clear, I'm not sharing this for empathy but so that anyone who would like to know more can. I have found that it is difficult for those who did not grow up in abusive homes to understand some of the quirks of those who did.
If you could, think for a moment about a blind person. Having met a few blind people, I know that most of them do not want to be seen for their blindness but for who they are. However, their blindness does come with some merit and attention. To understand them, befriend them, you must have some knowledge of how they have adapted to the blindness. I would ask that you try to look at the following information as a better understanding of the adapting.
The quote above is so incredibly true, so true it hurts. There are things that happen in an abusive home which take years and years and years to change. For me, growing up only meant I had more years of challenges to overcome as my abuse continued far into my adult years.
There is a vast pool of issues or quirks I could pick apart and try to explain. Expectations seem to be one that keeps coming up for me. More specifically, unmet expectations continue to knock me over.
In my childhood, there were two kinds of expectations and neither were good. There was the known. I knew I was going to be abused. I would be tortured. I would be hungry and tired. I would not be loved.
Then there was the unknown. This is where glimpses of hope were dashed by unmet expectations. The excitement over a birthday or holiday, which ended in abuse. A promise of a gift or reprieve, only to be later tortured and humiliated. An idea that someone, teacher, social worker, police officer, would somehow read the obvious signs, something that never happened.
It was the unknown, unmet expectations that hurt the worst. When you are a kid having adults not follow through on what they should or could do solidifies an entire set of beliefs. You are not worth caring for. You are not worth protecting. You have no value. You deserve the worst. Nobody loves you. You are not wanted.
Those are strong messages. They are messages which will stay with you for years to come. I am convinced change only occurs when these messages are balanced with positive ones and a progression of met expectations (realistic of course). I would also like to point out that you do not have to be from a highly dysfunctional home for this to be true.
As an adult, I do believe there is a greater ability to offer grace and forgiveness in unmet expectations. But, have you ever considered how your actions may effect those who have not overcome those messages?
While this is not a jab at anyone in particular, I must say that I deal with this a lot. I will admit, it usually comes in small ways and most often when I am hurting or incredibly sensitive.
It comes in the form of someone saying they will call to check on me, but doesn't; says they will email me with information or to see how I'm doing, but doesn't; makes a promise to get more involved, but doesn't; says they will visit or help with basic things, but doesn't; makes a plan to be somewhere at a specific time, but cancels or is late.
Do you ever do those things? I do. Life gets busy or desire wanes and I fail to do what I have said I would. I do my best not to because I know the other side of it. When I do those things, I am usually apologetic. When you do those things, do you apologize? Do you ever consider how those things will be taken by the person on the other side? Do you do it so often that you don't consider the other person? Those are all questions to ponder, knowing we all do it. We do it by choice and by circumstance.
These things happen to me nearly everyday. I have matured enough to give grace where needed, but it is a struggle. I am being completely honest here. A couple people doing this in one day will kick up those old messages and send me straight into a spiral.
I have noticed the older I get, the less people are apologetic about anything. A friend once told me that if something happens completely out of your control, then you owe nobody an apology. I simply think this is false. When other people are involved, I think it is common courtesy to offer an apology. In these small things, I would offer another idea to consider. Circumstances may prevent you from following through with the small things in life, you and the next person and the next person. I would offer you the idea that perhaps you are just one of many people who've had to let the person down. Abusive background or not, I would always err on the side of common courtesy.
Maybe you know the person's background, maybe you don't. Maybe you know the messages the person is getting with a missed phone call or broken promise or canceled lunch, but maybe you don't.
I can tell you this is an area of difficulty for anyone from a dysfunctional home or abusive past. I am not asking you to change circumstances. I'm not the apology police here. What I am asking is for you to consider some of the people in your life (close and surface). Do you have an understanding of how they have adapted to what they learned as a child? What messages are you reinforcing in them with your actions or lack of?
The ability to change those messages lies in each one us. I challenge you to examine yourself. Do you reinforce the "You are loved" or "You are unwanted" in those around you?
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